02x05 - The Loan Arranger

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing,
I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

♪ of me ♪♪

So, the woman says,
"What's the big deal?

You've seen
one of those things before
- Uh-huh.

And the other woman says,
"Yeah, but this one's eating
my popcorn."

[laughing]

That's funny.

You're in a good mood today.
How come?

It's not a mood, Buddy.
It's a trend.

I mean, for some reason,
I am incredibly hot.

This morning,
I aced two midterms.

And I am rolling, baby.

Hey, Charles.
- Yeah.

Did you see the mail today?
- No.

I did.
- And?

And what?

You saw the mail, and?

I saw the mail, and...

Oh, yeah!

There's a letter
for you right here.

Well,
why didn't you just say that?

I just did.

If he thinks
he's gonna make me crazy,
he's crazy.

Charles,
you just have to keep
this positive attitude goin'.

Uh-oh.
It's one of those letters with
the little see-through windows.

These are never good news.

Come on,
with the way your luck's going,

it's probably
Ed McMahon telling you
that you've already won.

It's from the bank
that handles my student loan.

"Dear Sir,
your student loan status
is currently under review.

Please make an appointment
to see your loan officer

at the City Mercantile Bank."

Hey, this could be trouble.

But they review your loan
every six months

and what could possibly
go wrong?

They could cancel my loan,
Buddy.

If they cancel my loan,
I have to quit school.

No school, no education.

No education, no job.

No job, no food.

I'm looking at a lifetime
of ignorance, poverty and death.

And you call that trouble?

Charles, am I glad you're here.

I've got a major problem.
- What's up?

I struggled
for three weeks,

writing a play
for my creative writing class
- Mm-hmm?

And look at the grade I got.

A "C."
So?

Is "so" all you can say
when you see a "C?"

You know, I know
just what you mean, Jamie.

I'll never forget
my first "C."

I mean, it was the highlight
of my scholastic career.

My parents
threw me a party

and gave me
several dollars.

But I'm not happy with a "C."

Okay, if i deserved it,
I wouldn't mind,

but I worked hard on this play.

All right, why don't you tell me
what the play is about
in twenty words or less.

Okay, it's about
the settlers buying Manhattan
from the Indians

for $24 in trinkets.

Hey, she did it!
That was only 14.

All right.
So far, so good.

Let's see
what we got.

"Have I Got a Bargain For Thou."

Clever title.

All right.
Now, uh, who's, uh, Peter?

Peter's the leader
of the Dutch settlers.

Ah, now.
Peter says,

"How now, Brown Cow?
I have trinkets for thee."

You know, Jamie, a "C" really
isn't that bad a grade.

You read it wrong.

Brown Cow
is the Indian Chief.

Peter meets him
and says,

"How!

Now, Brown Cow,
I have trinkets for thee."

See, it's all
in the performance.

Well, then there's your answer
right there.

Tell your teacher
that a play is written

to be performed
and not read.

And, uh, maybe
she'll revise your grade.

Charles, you're a genius.

Spread the word.

Charles, that was
very good advice.

Now, just apply
that positive attitude
to your problem.

Oooh, that reminds me.
I should call the bank
and make an appointment.

Oh, hello, men.
Didn't know you were here.

Hey, nice hat.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.
I have a club meeting
this afternoon.

We always dress up
when we welcome in a new member.

Well, if you're going
as Napoleon,

why don't you wear
the whole uniform?

Napoleon?

This is Napoleon.

This is John Paul Jones.
- All right.

Hard to believe you clowns
are in college.

All the members
of the J.P.J.'s wear this hat.

The J.P.J.'s, Charles.

The John Paul Jones Society.
- Ah.

Isn't that that group of people
that buries you at sea for $25?

Wrong, Lembeck.

The John Paul Jones Society

is a group
of retired Navy career men.

We get together.
We talk.

We give parties.

Sorta like
a college fraternity.

No, we deny membership
to idiots.

The J.P.J.'s have a sense
of civic responsibility.

We do charity work.

You see,
we raise funds.

You raise hell.

I better call the bank.

Hey, look.
You have nothing to worry about.

I read your horoscope today
and it says Scorpios

will have great financial
success.

I'm a Virgo.

Oh.

Well, in that case,

"Because of
your open nature,

your friends
will betray you."

Thank you.

What are friends for?

[♪♪]

Guess what?
I'm gonna let you all
be in my play.

Jamie,
you finished your play?

Yeah, Miss Warner
only gave me a "C"

but she said if I videotaped it,

she might give me
a better grade.
- Good.

It's about the settlers buying
Manhattan from the Indians.

I'll be
in your play,

but I wanna be
a cowboy.

Adam, there were no cowboys
in 1626.

Well...
Then, I wanna be a terminator

who goes back in time

and blows up New York!

With laser g*n fingertips!
[imitating laser g*n sounds]

We'll work it out.

Sarah, you can be
the beautiful Indian princess

who falls in love
with the handsome leader
of the Dutch settlers.

I like it.

And Grampa?
- Huh?

I want you to play
the Indian chief.

Why would I do
a thing like that?

Because, I'll get a good grade
if you're in it...

... and if I get good grades,
maybe someday,

I could go to
the Naval Academy.

You wanna go to
the Naval Academy?

Sure.

You wouldn't con
an old retired sailor,
would you?

Sure.

In that case, I'll do it.
- All right.

Ellen, call me
when the lunch is ready.

If I'm gonna be
the Indian princess,

who's gonna be
the handsome settler?

Charles, my leading man.

Jamie, my main momma.
What it is?

I took your advice.

I told my teacher
what you said...
- Yeah.

... that a play
should be performed,

and she said okay.

I'm gonna videotape it
and I'm gonna let you be in it.

Oh, you must be thinking
of some other Charles.

What do you mean?

Staging the play for my teacher
was your idea.
- Oh--

That's true.
I was there.
- I know that, Buddy.

I didn't say
I'd be in the play, Jamie.

Please, Charles.
I wanted you
to star opposite Sarah.

Jamie, Charles has a lot
on his mind.

I, on the other hand,
have nothing on mine.

I'll star
in your play.

I quit.

Oh, Buddy.

That's very nice
of you

but I was hoping
you'd be, uh...

... something
much more important like,

the cameraman?

And director?

Deal.

Charles?
- Yeah?

Oh, I really need you.

It won't take long.

Are you busy
tomorrow morning?

Uh, yeah.
I have a meeting
at the bank tomorrow morning.

The government's
reviewing my student loan.

Charles?

Charles, wait.

Dad.
- Hmm?

The government is reviewing
his student loan.

They couldn't cancel it,
could they?

Ellen, the government
can do anything
it darned well pleases.

That's what makes this
a free country.

Nah, I really don't think
there's a problem.

I mean,
I'll know more tomorrow.

Dad.
- Huh?
Oh, okay.

Charles.

Look.

For every cloud,
there's a silver lining.

Of course, for every ocean,
there's an enemy submarine.

Maybe, this
is nature's way of saying

you should stop
frittering around

and join the Navy.

Walter!
- What?

We don't
wanna lose Charles.

He's part
of the family.

Charles, I'm sorry.
I really am.

When I asked you
to be in my play,

I didn't know
they were reviewing
your student loan.

Nah, it's no big deal, Jamie.
And, you were right.

It was my idea
to stage the play.

So, uh...
you can count on me.

Oh, thanks, Charles.

All right and please,
I don't want anybody
worrying about my student loan.

All I need is just
a little bit of luck.

Charles,
luck has nothing to do with it.

Learn to stand up
for justice.

Learn to fight
for your rights.

Then when they
cancel your loan,

learn the words
to "Anchors Aweigh."

[♪♪]

[clears throat]
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Willard.

I have an appointment
with you.

Yes?

I received this is the mail.
And, uh...

It says that my, uh,
student loan status
is under review.

And I just, you know,
I just I wondered what it meant.

It means your loan status
is under review.

Oh, should'a known that one,
Charles.

Yeah, yeah, uh, well,
it also said that--

that I should see you
specifically, sir.

And I just wondered
if there was a reason for that.

It's a form letter.

If you have further questions,
feel free to call.

Goodbye.

[both breathe deeply]

You're still there, aren't you?

Uh.

Yes, sir.
I have questions.

Now i-if my loan
gets cancelled,

I can't go
to college.

[sighs]

The Deficit Reduction Act
of 1986

mandates an 11%
across-the-board cut

in all
discretionary federal agency
spending

for fiscal 1987

until
the accumulative budget deficit

is brought
below two trillion dollars.

I'm not boring you,
am I?

Ah, no, sir.
Not at all.

Two trillion dollars?

Charles, didn't borrow
nearly that much?

Did you?

I'm sorry.
We haven't met.

Oh, oh,
my name is Buddy Lembeck,

and I just came along
to lend moral support.

Oh, you're doing
a bang-up job.

Now, Charles,
may I call you Charles?

Oh, uh, certainly.
May I call you Stanley?

No.

Charles,
let me explain something.

From now on,
the only way you're gonna get
any new government money

is to declare yourself
a third world country

and then flirt
with Communism.

Uh, well, what about the loan
that I have now?

I mean, the-- the one
that's supposedly under review?

Well, you can know
about it as soon as I do.

Well, how soon will that be?

[sighs]

All right.
I'll check it for you.

Everybody's in a hurry.

[keyboard clacking]

Oh.

Well, apparently,
they've already reviewed
your student loan.

You are in luck.

Charles, you hear that?
You're in luck.

Yes, the suspense is over.

Your loan has been cancelled.

[sad flute music plays ♪]

Okay, go, Sarah.

"Oh, mighty Chief.

The white man wants Manhattan
for his own people.

So they'll have a place
to put Bloomingdale's.

Bloomingdale's?

Jamie, the Indians never heard
of Bloomingdale's.

Sarah, everybody's heard
of Bloomingdale's.

See, this
is a modern version of history

as if it were happening
in this century.
Okay?

Oh, Charles.
How did everything go
at the bank?

Oh, nothing to it, Mrs. Powell.

You know, the government
is very efficient.

They, uh, they gave me
a student loan, and then they
examined my student loan,

and then they cancelled
my student loan.

Does that mean
you're gonna leave us?

Charles,
I don't want you to leave.

Charles, all I can say
is "Think Navy."

Well, all I can say is...

"phooey."

I know exactly
how you feel, Mrs. Powell.

When I heard
they cancelled Charles' loan,
I also said the F word.

P-H.

Huh?

Phooey starts with a P-H.

I know.

Well, why don't you children
go on upstairs.

And don't worry.
Charles is not going
to leave us.

Charles, you are going
to finish school right here
at Copeland College.

You'll get the money
from my bank.

Oh, I appreciate this,
Mrs. Powell, but a bank
is not gonna give me a loan.

Well, if you folks
will excuse me,
I have another J.P.J. meeting.

Wait a minute, Dad.

Is there any reason
why I couldn't co-sign
a loan for Charles at our bank?

I can think of three reasons.

Jamie, Sarah and Adam.

I mean, maybe they wanna go
to college someday.

If Charles can't repay the loan,
then you'll have to.

He'll get an education
and you and the girls
will end up as bag ladies.

Well, I know that Charles
will be able to repay the loan.
I have faith in him.

Mrs. Powell, please,
I really don't wanna cause
any problems.

Now, I'm fine.
- You're not causing
any problems, Charles.

We're going to my bank
first thing in the morning.

That's very nice of you,
Mrs. Powell.

Well maybe not, Lembeck.

I mean, you're all assuming
the bank will agree to this.

I'm sorry, but I think
you're living in a dream world.

I don't see any other way out.

Well, I do.

♪ Anchors aweigh ♪
♪ Anchors aweigh ♪

♪ Farewell to college joys ♪

Mrs. Powell, you didn't tell me
you did your banking
in this bank

in this office
with this Stanley Willard.

Good morning, folks.
How can I help you today?

Oops, déjà vu.

How can I help you, this time?

So, you two know each other?

Yes, uh, Mr. Willard
is the man I dealt with
regarding my ex-student loan.

Yes, Charles and I go way back.

Oh, good.

I am Ellen Powell,
and I came here to co-sign
a loan for Charles.

As you may know,
he's a college student.

Still?

Mrs. Powell, may I ask
what your relationship
is to Charles?

Uh, yes.
He works for me
and he lives in my home.

You live together?

Yes.

No.

No, we don't like
"live together."

We just, um... uh,
live in the same house together.

I see--
- Uh, no.
I don't think you do, sir.

My... relationship
with Mrs. Powell
is strictly business.

She pays you?

Yes.

No!

Yes.

Look, I-- we--
I think we should leave.

Mr. Willard, I simply wanna see
that Charles finishes
his education.

Now, he's an excellent student.
Show him your transcript,
Charles.

I'm afraid your grades
won't tell me anything about
your ability to repay the loan.

Well, they will tell you
that I'll be able to make money
after I graduate.

Oh!

I see you got an "A"
in medieval architecture.
- Yes, sir.

Big bucks in that field.

Mr. Willard,
I will guarantee the repayment.

Mrs. Powell, are you currently
paying off a home loan?
- No.

Are you currently paying off
an automobile loan?
- No.

What Mrs. Powell is saying
is that she's not in debt
to anybody for anything.

Too bad.

That tells me
she has no recent credit history

and that makes her a poor risk.

Well, I have an account
at this bank

and that should stand
for something.

It should.

All right,
let me just run your account
through the old computer.

[keys clacking]

[snickers mockingly]

Well, not exactly living
in the fast lane, are we?

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid
I'll have to turn down
your loan application.

[scoffs]
- Let me get this straight.

The only way I can borrow money
is if I owe money or have money,

but if I owe money,
I can't afford to borrow money

and if I have money I don't need
to borrow money,

so I can't borrow money
'cause I don't have the money
with which to borrow it.

Very good.

College certainly
wasn't wasted on you.

Mr. Willard, if this is the way
your bank treats its customers,

I intend to withdraw
every penny from my account.

Every single penny.

Ouch.

[♪♪]

Buddy,
rehearsal hasn't started yet.

Why are you pointing
that camera at me?

I'm taping all
the behind-the-scenes stuff
for a possible documentary,

you know like,
"The Making of E.T."

Hello.

Hi.
How did it go?

Great, until we got to the bank.

They turned us down, Buddy.

Oh, no.
How can they do that?

Oh, I'm sorry, Charles.
I'll cancel the rehearsal.

I think you're right,
sweetheart.

I don't think Charles
is in any mood
to act in a silly,

uh,
yet hauntingly beautiful, play.

No, it's all right, Mrs. Powell.

I'm in the perfect mood
to pretend I'm someone else.

Charles, are you sure?

Yeah, uh, why don't we pass out
the scripts and get the show
on the road.

But what about Grandpa?
He's supposed to be my father,
the chief.

Well, I'm sure he'll be back
in a minute.

In the meantime,
Adam can play his part.

My brother's gonna be my father?

Adam, you're gonna be
the Grandpa for now.
- Okay.

And Charles,
here are the trinkets
to buy Manhattan with.

And thanks.

Okay, Indian Princess,
wait for your cue please.

And temporary Indian Chief,
if you'll stand over here.

Now, you'll need
to be in costume,
so if you'll put this on.

And, Indian Cashier,
if you'll stand
next to the Indian Chief.

Okay, Charles.
You and I
enter from the kitchen.

Uh, who are you playing?

I'm the real estate agent.

Okay.
Action.

Art thou short of cash,
handsome settler?

Maybe I could arrange
a bank loan.

Bank loan?
You know what it takes
to get a bank loan these days?

First, you have to have money
or have borrowed money.
- Cut, cut, cut!

Could we just do
the play as written?

All right.
I-I-I'm sorry.

[Buddy] Action.

"No, settler.
Manhattan is not for sale."

"Only I, Brown Cow,
can speak for tribe."

"How now, Brown Cow."

[Buddy chanting] Cut!
- All right, oh.

Oh, Grandpa.
You're just in time
to sell Manhattan to Charles.

Yippie.

Sorry I was late.
I got held up at the club.

Oh, this is good.

This is-- this is like
a Fellini movie.
But I love it.

Okay, everyone,
back to the scripts.

And... action!

"How now, Brown Cow.
If thou will sell Manhattan,
I will give thee trinkets."

Sold.
Here's your deed to Manhattan.

No, Grandpa.

You're supposed to give the deed
to the Indian cashier
and she gives it to Charles.

Well, I just eliminated
the middleman.
Okay?

Read your deed, settler.

"The following constitutes
the loan agreement
between First American Trust

as the lending institution
and the John Paul Jones Society
as the co-signer.

and Charles..."

Mr Powell.

This is a loan agreement.

You got your club to co-sign
a student loan for me?

Mr. Powell, you're incredible.

Don't touch me, Lembeck.
I don't know where you've been.

Charles, you're gonna have to,
uh, sign those papers
and then get them back to me.

I-I don't know what to say.

Yeah, well, don't say anything.

All this acting
has made me thirsty.

Let's take a break,
and start over.
Okay?

Unbelievable.
All this talk about Charles
joining the Navy...

... and he does this.

This is good.
This is very good.

Great documentary stuff.

Excuse me.

And... swish pan!

Mr. Powell, um.
- Oh.

Listen, I-I, uh,

I really wanna thank you.
You know, you-you, uh,
you saved my college education.

Charles,
underneath this tough exterior,

lies a very tough interior.

Now, you thank me again,
I'll kick your backside
over your shoulder.

Now, let's finish
this idiotic play.

[under breath]
Yeah!

Charles, can we talk?

Oh, yeah, Jamie.
Good.
Have a seat.

I wanna talk to you too,
about the play.

Um.

Listen.
We're all willing to continue.

No.
- However, we--

I don't wanna continue.

You know, I've been watching...

... and it stinks.

Yeah, I know
what you're thinking.

Your teacher was very generous
in giving you a "C," right?

Oh, no.
The play is great!

It's the acting that stinks.

Well, um...

Now Jamie.
I wouldn't say that.

I mean, uh, I-I had
very little rehearsal time.

Sorry, but I'm gonna recast it
with some of my friends--

Now, just hold a second.
I didn't have enough time
to learn my lines.

Thanks anyway, Charles.
But you're--

you're just not an actor!

[in a squeaky voice]
What!

[stammering]
What the heck?
You wanna see acting?

I'll show you acting.
Watch.

"How, now, Brown Cow,
if thou will sell me Manhattan,
I will give thee trinkets."

Now, Jamie.
It doesn't get
any better than that.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Well, Jamie, there's your play.

All right.

Oh, Jamie,
that was a terrific videotape.

I loved it and Miss Warner
is sure to give me an "A,"

especially when I tell her
it's a comedy.

[laughing triumphantly]

Okay, all actors,
let's wash up for dinner.

There we go.
Jamie, congrats.

I didn't know it was a comedy.

Charles, come here.
- Hey.

I just talked
to Laurie and Pam.

You know, those
two great-looking drama majors?
- Yeah?

They're waiting for us
at Laurie's apartment.
- Waiting for us?

Yeah, I told them
that I would tape some excerpts
from "MacBeth."

Aha?
- You can be MacBeth,
I'll be MacDuff,

and we'll use Laurie and Pam
for the love scenes.

But Buddy,
there are no love scenes
in "MacBeth."

That's okay.
There's no tape
in the camera either.

Lay on, MacDuff.
- Oh.

[♪♪]

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing,
I want ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]