02x26 - The Undergraduate

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ ♪

C'mon Charles, you have to admit

when it comes to great bodies,
you can't beat Sabrina Todd.

Get out of here.

Marlo Firenzi has got her beat
by a mile.

How can you say that?

Sabrina has those soft curves,
and those perfect proportions.

Buddy it's Marlo Firenzi,
no contest.

Don't you guys ever talk about
anything besides women?

Women?
We weren't talking about women,

Mr. Powell, we were talking
about, uh, cars.

Lembeck, who are you
trying to kid?

Why don't you just admit it.

Your whole life is nothing,
but women and sex.

I can't help it, sir.
It's in my genes.

If you're smart,
you'll keep it there.

Charles, when you're
in this house,

you leave your hormones outside.
Do you understand?

Yes, sir.
Good.

[doorbell rings]
[Mr. Powell] Doorbell!

- I got it
- Alright.

Hi.

I hope I have the right house.

So do I.

Come in.

Better yet, move in.

Is uh, is Ellen home?

Uh, no, she's in uh,
Norfolk, Virginia,

visiting her husband.

Oh darn!
I'm in town on business.

I was hoping to surprise her.

Well, you surprised me.

I'm stunned.

Uh, Mrs. Powell
will be back tomorrow.

Would you like to wait?

Uh, forgive me, but uh,
who are you?

I'm uh, I'm Charles.
I live here.

I'm Buddy, I don't.

Hi, I'm Joan Robinson.

Hello.

So, you're uh,
living with Ellen.

Yes.

No, uh, I just uh, live in the
house and take care of the kids.

Well, Ellen's very lucky to have
such an attractive young man

helping around the house.

I take out
the garbage occasionally.

[Mr. Powell]
Joanie?

Is it really you?

- Walter!

Joanie, I can't believe it.
It's been ages.

- I know.

Cousin Joan!

[Adam]
Who?

- Sarah, Adam!

Hi.
Who is she?

It's Cousin Joan, Adam.
Pay attention.

So, are you Sarah's real cousin,

or is that just
an honorary title like Uncle Sam

or Sister Sledge?

Uh, no.
I'm Ellen's Cousin.

Adam, come over here,
and give me a hug!

Charles, she's giving
out free hugs.

Let's get in line.

We'd love to stay and talk,
but we really have to get goin'.

Oh, yeah.
Our hormones are outside,

and we don't
want them to freeze.

I beg your pardon?

Thank you.
What is wrong with you?

I don't understand you Charles.

Cousin Joan is worth
staying for.

Are you kidding me Buddy?

She's worth selling
your soul for.

That women radiates sex.

Then why did you drag us out
of the house so fast?

Why?
Because you were
drooling on the furniture.

Me?
You're the one standing there,

holding her hand,
undressing her with your eyes.

What?

I didn't undress
her with my eyes.

Yeah, well, someone did because,
from where I was standing,

she was stark naked.

You are a sick man, Buddy.

Well, I uh,

I take out
the garbage occasionally.

Ok, ok, so we were
both impressed.

Only unfortunately,
Joan Robinson is attracted

to you.
- Get out of here.

You think Joan Robinson is
attracted to me.

Come on Buddy, just because
I'm attracted to her

doesn't mean she's
attracted to me.

Besides, she's old enough
to be, Mrs. Powell's cousin.

I know and there's a lot to be
said in praise of older women.

Didn't you ever see
"Tea and Sympathy."

"The Summer of '42"
"The Graduate?"

Did you ever see, "One Flew Over
the Cuckoo's Nest?"

I'm telling you Buddy,
if you don't watch out,

the mean old nurse is going
to come and take you away

to lobotomy land.

I gotta get out of here.
I'm late for class.

Ok.
I'll see you later.

Hi, Buddy.

Oh, hi girls.

What brings you down to Sid's?

Paula's hair got wet.
We brought her here to dry out.

Yeah, that lame-oid Jeff Loomis
ambushed Paula,

out in the parking lot
with a water g*n.

Yeah, Jeff hates cheerleaders

because none of us
will go out with him.

He's always picking on me
at school.

Uh-oh.

Don't look now but Jeff's
not in the parking lot anymore.

No!

He's still got his water g*n.
What am I going to do?

Just sit here and pretend that
you don't see him, Ok?

Go ahead, make my day.

That's better.
And if I ever hear of you,

bothering this young lady again,

there's going to be an ice cube

with your name on it.
Now beat it!

Thanks Buddy, you were terrific!

[cheering]
Buddy Lembeck, rah-rah-rah!

Wow, Buddy.
I hope you appreciate this.

You're the first guy who's
ever been allowed to put

his hands on Paula's pom poms.

Thank you, Walter.

That was a wonderful meal.

Oh, thanks.

Ah, it is so nice to see
the family again.

And meeting Charles,
has been a real treat.

Yeah, it was on of the great
thrills of my life.

So uh, you're here on business.

Yes, my advertising agency
sent me here

to meet with some
clients and models.

Which reminds me, I still have
a little work left to do.

I'd better be getting
back to the hotel.

Hotel?
No, no, no,

you're going to
bunk here tonight.

Oh, well Walter,
that's very sweet.

Nonsense!
We'd love to have you.

In fact, I insist on it!

You're going to stay
in Ellen's room.

Oh, thanks, I'd like that.

Good!

[Walter yelling]
Guest patrol!

On the double.
Clean sheets and pillow cases,

for Cousin Joan.
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

So, tell me Charles.

How do you feel
about me staying over?

I think it's terrific.

So do I.

But if I'm going to be staying
here instead of the hotel,

I'd better let my husband know.

Your husband?

Oh, you didn't know
I had a husband.

No.

He's back in Chicago.
- Ahh.

- That's a long,
long way from here.

Yeah, if you're walking.

Of course if he came by plane,

he could be here, what?
In a couple hours?

He could,

but he won't.

Besides, there's an awful lot
you can do in a couple of hours.

Sure you can get married, or...

or get divorced, or...

get k*lled.

Not if you're careful.

May I use the phone
in the kitchen?

Yeah, help yourself.

Charles, Charles.
I couldn't wait.

How's it going
with Miss Robinson?

It's not Miss!
It's Mrs.

Ohhh, you're kidding!

Her name is Mrs. Robinson?

That was Anne Bancroft's name
in the movie "The Graduate"

Charles, my instincts
are never wrong!

Her name is Mrs. Robinson!

Do you know what that means?

Yeah, it means she's married.

That never stopped
Dustin Hoffman.

Knock it off Buddy.
This lady is off limits.

Buddy!

I know something you don't know.

What could you possible know,
that I don't know, Adam?

I know someone who's
in love with you.

Oh, you mean Barbara Mandrell?
That's old news.

Barbara Mandrell
is in love with you?

Yeah, she sent me an autographed
picture and signed it,

"Love, Barbara."

Oh, you must be torn, Buddy.
You also have a picture from

Telly Savalas.

Yeah, but he just signed his,
"Who loves ya, Baby?"

So, I wrote him back
and said "Barbara Mandrell."

Somebody really loves you,
Buddy.

I heard Jamie and Sarah
talking about it.

Ok, Adam.

Who loves me this time?
[knock on door]

Hi!

Buddy!
You're here!

Buddy and Paula sitting
in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Buddy,
I've been telling everybody

how you rescued me today.

You rescued Paula?
From what?

Oh, from being drowned
by a t*rror1st.

It was nothing.

Jeff Loomis attacked me
with a water g*n.

Buddy stopped him.

No!

Buddy, you, you are a madman.

Do you realize that you could
have gotten yourself, damp.

Well, I can't have anyone
messing around with uh,

my girl now, could I?

Hey, Paula.
Come on up!

See ya later Buddy.
See ya.

You are in trouble, Buddy.

Paula Thackery has a
crush on you.

Oh, come on, don't try
and change the subject Charles.

Mrs. Koo-koo-ka-choo,
has a crush on you.

Well, Miss Pom-pom-pa-doo,
has a crush on you.

Wanna trade?

Oh, Charles,
I didn't know you were up.

I'm not, I, I, I just want to
get something to eat.

Oh, that's what got me up.

Have a cupcake.
I found them in the pantry.

Here's to you, Charles.

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

No, I'm glad that you're up.

I was tempted to come into
your room and wake you.

You see, I have this
little problem.

And I think you're just the man
who can solve it.

No, I doubt that.

Mrs. Robinson, you're very
attractive and, and, and,

very married,
and very experienced.

I, on the other hand, am one of
life's beginners, so I don't,

I really don't think I could
solve your problem.

You don't want my advice.

No, Charles.

I don't want your advice.

I want your body.

It's almost two bells.
What's going on?

Walter, I'm sorry
if we disturbed you.

It is late.

I'll uh, I'll see you
tomorrow, Charles.

Good night, Walter.

Yes, good night Joan.

[yawning]
Ah, boy, almost two bells, huh?

I better get to bed.
If I don't get at least,

eight bells of sleep,
I'm no good in the morning.

You just hold it
right there, mister.

I heard everything.

"I want your body."

You too?

Charles, I do not want
any hanky-panky in this house.

No, sir, I, I, I, rarely hank,
and I never pank.

Especially with a married woman.

Charles, I have been around
the horn once or twice.

And I know that married women

are simply single women
with husbands!

Good point.

And they don't
play around unless

they get a lot of encouragement.

So, just remember,
whatever she wants,

tell her you don't have it!

Ok, tell me again,
exactly what she said.

She said, "I want your body."

The most beautiful words
in the English language.

I told you,
my instincts are never wrong.

Then what happened?
- Hi, Buddy.

Oh, hi Paula.

Can I get you a soda?

No, thanks.

Um, there's a dance
at school this Saturday.

Do you want to come with me?

[laughs]
You want to take me to a dance?

Paula, I, I'm a college man!

I can't go to
a school dance with you.

But, I'm sure that there's a lot
of nice little boys

who'd love to go.

Yeah, sure, well see ya.

Ok, Ok, what happened?

So much for your
instincts Buddy.

How could you do that to her?
She has a crush on you.

What?
Oh, come on, she'll get over it.

Now, now, after Mrs. Robinson
said, "I want your body,"

then what happened?

Nothing, that's when
Mr. Powell interrupted us.

Oh, a complication huh?
How are you gonna handle it?

I'm not gonna handle it Buddy.
I'm not even going to touch it.

Mrs. Robinson is so exciting,
she makes my hair hurt.

But look, I'm too young to die,
so I'm going to avoid her

until she leaves.

Well, if I were in your shoes.

I'd be taking them off,
along with my socks, my shirt.

You know what I think?
I think if I held your head up,

to my ear, I'd be able
to hear the ocean.

Yeah, well just for that,
I'm not gonna let you.

[camera clicks]
[Joan] One more shot.

Come on, one more, one more!

Ted's going to love
these pictures.

I'm just sorry I wasn't here
yesterday when you got in.

Well, me too,
but I'm glad for you.

It must have been wonderful
seeing Robert,

after all of those months.

How do you cope with it?

I mean, having
your husband away all the time?

I cry a lot.
And I stay busy.

How do you cope with being away
from Ted,

when you're out of town.

Well, lately I don't see that
much of Ted when I'm home.

He's a very busy guy.

But this trip was worth it.

It gave me a chance to spend
some time with you,

and the family, and Charles.

Walter said that you seemed fond
of Charles.

Quite fond.

Oh, Walter said that?
What do you suppose he meant?

Oh, who knows.
He just said that you were,

interested in Charles.

And I told him he had to be
imagining things,

which of course he is, isn't he?

Uh, well actually, the reason
I'm interested in Charles.

Hi.

Hi, I was just leaving!

No, Charles, you just got here.

That's, that's true,
but I can't stay.

I just came by to say I'm home.
Mrs. Powell, I'm home!

She's already left
for the office.

Oh,

[yelling]
uh, Mr. Powell, Sarah, Adam,
Jamie, I'm home!

They're not here either.
- Oh.

Never mind!

You are a very attractive man.

No,

I'm only average looking.

Below average if you want, to
get technical.

You see, I got one nostril,

that's smaller than
the other one, look.

You know what
I was saying yesterday,

about wanting your body.

Yes, but I won't
hold it against you.

I mean, I know that's
not what you meant.

You were just tired,
and I understand.

No, no I knew exactly
what I was saying,

and I'm used to
getting what I want.

M-M-Mrs...

Did I hurt you?

No, but you're
going to aren't you?

Trust me.
You won't feel a thing.

Then what's the point
of doing it?

I lied.
We'll both feel something.

Um, Mrs. Robinson,

Whoo,

As much as I would like to
continue doing that

for the rest of my natural life,

I think we better stop before
it's too late.

I think it's already too late.

No, don't, don't,
don't say that.

Look, I, I, want you more than
I've ever wanted anything,

in my life,
and if we were in another galaxy

far, far away,
it would be different.

But you are Mrs. Powell's
married cousin and

we are in her home.

Um-hmm.
Just the two of us.

Hi.

All right Charles!
I warned you.

I know he's a fast talker,
Joan, but I really think

you'd have more sense than this.

Walter, what are
you talking about?

You know, I got half way
downtown and realized,

I forgot my briefcase.

Ellen, I want you to leave.

What?

I mean, I don't want you
to see what's going on here.

Walter, I simply wanted Charles
to model designer shirts for

my ad agency.

I was just about to take
a few test shots.

Yes, sir!
She was about to uh,

take a shot when you walked in.

Yes, Dad, Joan told me all about
it before I left.

You want him to model shirts?

Oh, well,

Charles, why didn't you say so?

I would have,
if I had thought of it.

Dad!
You're jumping to conclusions.

There is nothing going on
between Joan and Charles.

Yeah, well I,
oh, I didn't think there was.

Ellen, could I drive you down
to your office or something?

Thanks, Dad.
That's a great idea.

I'm sorry folks, you just,
go on with what you were doing.

You heard what he said.

Let's go on with
what we were doing.

Mrs. Robinson, stop.

And please don't touch me.

Because if you touch me,

I won't be able to say,
what I want to say,

and as much as I want you to
touch me, I have to say,

what I want to say
even if I don't want to say it.

All right Charles,
what do you want to say.

Look, the Powells believed that
story about me modeling,

and because I like you
and because I value my job,

I'm gonna let them
keep on believing it.

But, as of right now,
my modeling career is over.

Well, I've made a real
fool out of myself.

I'm sorry I was so...

attracted to you.

Walter was right.
I should have known better.

Um, you didn't make
a fool of yourself.

Um, you know, I gotta tell ya,

you're the most exciting
woman I've ever met,

and I would like to go on
meeting you and getting excited,

but I can't.

See, the Powells are nice people

and they trust me.

Mrs. Robinson,
you're a married woman.

If I were a few years younger,

I'd take you home with me.

Well, if you were the same age
you are now, and single,

I'd go home with you.

Thanks, Charles.
I needed that.

Now do you really expect me
to believe that, Charles?

That she just wanted
you to model clothes.

Come on, give me a break.

Will you stop with the potato?

Now, look, you believe
what you want to believe,

but I'm sticking by my story.

So, you were wrong from day one.

I can't believe my instincts
just stabbed me in the back.

Well, I don't care
what she wanted.

I know what I would have done.

Yeah, so do I.
The minute you found out,

she was married you'd have done
the same thing I did, nothing.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse us.

We just wanted to say that
Paula is seriously in love.

Yeah.
Someone should talk to her.

Well, can't you girls
talk to her?

I mean, you're more her age.

Buddy, age has
nothing to do with it.

Love is always love, at any age.

Yeah but,
Paula can't be in love with me.

All right, Buddy we've already
established that your instincts,

are actually outstincts.

All right, so, let's, let's
use my instincts,

which are infallible.

Now, my instincts tell me,

that Paula is a very
sweet young lady.

And you should let
her down easy.

But, Charles

No, Sarah.
Charles is right.

You know I shouldn't have
laughed at her,

when she asked me
to take her to the dance.

I'll just, I'll tell her that
I'm not worthy of her love.

Oh, you don't have
to do that Buddy.

Paula doesn't have a crush
on you anymore.

Now she's in love
with someone else.

Oh, yeah.
Who's the lucky guy?

♪ ♪

Charles,
Adam's discovered girls.

Nah, Jamie.

I think girls were discovered,
in the 16th century by

Vasco da Gama.

Charles, I'm serious.

Adam!
Get in here.

You've got to teach
him the facts of life.

Go ahead.
Tell Charles what you told me.

About what?

He said he's been trying to
score with Ann Louise Harmon,

but he keeps striking out.

Adam, uh, is Ann Louise
on the baseball team,

and if so, is she the pitcher?

Yeah.

Ah, you see that Jamie.

You just have to know the right
questions to ask.

Oh, I get it Adam.

You never score when Ann Louise
pitches the baseball.

Are you kidding?

That's the only time I score.

Adam!

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

♪♪