03x11 - The Pickle Plot

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's
one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

Buddy, knock it off.
Come on.

You're not taking
this seriously.

Well, that's because I don't
take anything seriously.

Listen to me, listen to me.

We are gonna be juniors
next fall, okay?

We have to choose a major.

Now, somewhere in this coll--
[laughs]

Somewhere in this
college catalogue

are careers for both of us,
all right?

Our job is to find it.

No, Charles. We don't
have to choose a major.

Yeah, but...

Give me this. Give me this.

We do if we want to graduate
with a degree!

All right. We were
up to the "O's..."

Let's see. We got
oceanography...eh,

optometry, ornithology...

- Ooh. Ooh.
- What?

- Ooh. Ooh.
- What you found something?

Ooh! Ooh!

Buddy, you're reading
a magazine.

"High Finance Quarterly" isn't
just any magazine, Charles.

I was reading an article

about a 22 year old guy named
Arnold Fletcher,

who just started
his own business.

He's already made twelve million
dollars!

Give me this...

"Arnold Fletcher makes
huge real estate deals

over the phone in his
chauffeur-driven limousine,

while leaving the details to his
strikingly beautiful secretary!"

Buddy, I want that life!

That's why we have to
find a major!

Okay...Okay.
Here's what we'll do.

We'll wait 'til we get the
results of our aptitude tests,

and then we'll major in
whatever we're good at!

I'm getting my results tomorrow.

Really? Well, maybe my test
is ready, too.

- Can I go with you?
- Sure. Yeah.

Oh, Charles, you know what?

I hope that my aptitude test
says that I should be
an astronaut.

Well, you can't miss, Buddy.

You're already a space cadet.

Hey, thanks, Charles.

Charles!

Yeah?

Jamie, stop calling me a yutz.

Well then stop being a yutz.

Charles, Jamie's after
my paper route money.

All I did was ask you to loan me
four dollars!

I said I'd loan you
four dollars.

Yeah, but you said she'd have to
pay you back ten dollars.

Adam, that's 150% interest.

Adam, that's called "usury."

No, Charles.
It's called "smartery."

I love my money!

Yeah. He stacks it up
with the presidents
all facing the same way

and he just stares at it
for hours.

Yeah, and then he hides it...

in an old tennis shoe
in the back of his closet.

Jamie, it better
still be there!

Ooh, that felt good.

Charles, how are you?

Fine.

You know...if you haven't found
a college major yet,

I have a couple of ideas
for you:

math or photography.

Hey! Good idea!

Well, you see if I,
if I major in math,

then I can help you
with your geometry homework!

And if I major in photography...

well, well, I could help you
with your modeling career!

Yeah, hey!
I never thought of that!

Forget it.

Okay, I guess you're
on your own.

[knocking]

- Hi, mom!
- Charles!

Oh, sweetie,
just came by to say hello.

Oh, sweetheart...

trying to find a major has been
pretty rough on you, hasn't it?

No, mom. I'm fine.

You're lost in
a valley of indecision

and you can't find
your way out, can you?

No, mom. I'm fine.

You found a major?

No, mom. I'm fine.

Doodlebug, sweetheart,

how can you be fine if you
haven't found a major?

Mom, believe me, I am fine!

All right, I'll admit that,
that finding a major

is rough, all right?

I mean, mom, it's like,

like, I'm lost in
a valley of indecision

and I can't find
my way out.

But other than that,
I am fine.

What did your aptitude test say?

I don't know, mom.
I get my results tomorrow,

but my aptitude test is only
gonna tell me what I'm good at

Not what I would love doing.

What do you think you love?

Mom. I don't know...

You know, when I was a kid, my
choices were so easy, you know?

I had to choose between tuna
salad and peanut butter.

And if I chose peanut butter,

I had to choose between chunky
or smooth.

And, if I chose smooth,

I had to choose between white
or wheat bread.

if I chose wheat bread,
then I had to choose between--

Ah!

I think I understand.

You want me
to make you a sandwich.

No, mom, no. Thank you.

I don't want you
to make me a sandwich.

You see, the problem is,
I...

I have so many choices,

it's like having
no choice at all.

Sweetheart...
don't give up.

Look for the sign.

It'll come.

Yeah, mom, all right.

But the main thing is,

I do not want you to worry about
me, okay?

I'm a big boy, now.

I'm old enough to get married,
and I'm old enough to vote,

and I'm old enough to find
my own major, okay?

Actually, I only have
one little problem.

What's that?

I don't know what I want to be
when I grow up.

Well! Charles!
Just the man I want to see.

Are you making any progress
with your college major?

Uh, no sir, not really.

But Buddy's on his way over

we're gonna go talk
to our counselor

about our aptitude tests.

Charles, talk to me.

If you're looking
for a great career,

you can always join the Navy!

Well, thank you, sir.
I'll give that a lot of thought.

[laughs]
Good!

[doorbell]

Doorbell!

Charles, Charles. I'm really
losing it, this time!

I just thought I saw a long car
with a huge pickle on top of it!

Uncle Joe!

No, Charles, it's me!
Buddy!

- Uncle Joe! Hey!
- Hey, Charley!

Hi, how are you?

How's my favorite nephew?

Oh, great. I'm great.
Come on in, Uncle Joe.

Uh, this is my best friend,
Buddy Lembeck.

Buddy, this is my Uncle Joe.

He is the
"Pickle King of Brooklyn"!

You're the
"Pickle King of Brooklyn"?

I can't believe this!

I just had a vision of a car
with a pickle on top of it!

Is that a psychic phenomenon
or what?

Buddy, it's a pleasure
to meet you.

What you saw was
my company car outside.

I like this kid.

Lembeck! I should have known
you'd be responsible

for parking that monstrosity
in front of my house!

Mr. Powell,
this is my Uncle Joe,

the "Pickle King of Brooklyn."

Yeah, that monstrosity
belongs to him!

Lembeck, how could you call
that beautiful car
a monstrosity?

Nice meeting you, Joe.
I'm Walter.

I hope he didn't embarrass you.

No way, Walter.

Do you think Mr. Heinz
would ever be embarrassed
about his pickles?

And was Mr. Kosher embarrassed
about his pickles?

Ha! I think not!

I really like that kid.

Charley,
I gotta to do some business,

but your mother and I would like
you to join us for dinner,

- ...all right?
- Oh, hey. I got a better idea.

Why don't you and Lillian
come over

and we'll all have dinner here.

Hey, why not?

That's very nice of you, Walter.

Can I offer you a--

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't smoke.

Oh, no, that's all right.
This don't burn.

Thanks, Joe. I'll, uh...
I'll save it for after dinner.

- Nice meeting you.
- No problem.

Hey, listen.
Charley, uh...

before I leave,
uh, I'd like, uh...

Could you, uh, you know,
get out of here?

Uh, Charley, sit down.

Charley,
I have two words for you.

Pickles.

- Pickles?
- Yeah, pickles.

Your mother tells me you're
having trouble finding a career.

Charley, I'm offering you a job.

Your own office, a limousine
with a pickle on top,

your own secretary...

Uh, excuse me,
but would that be

a strikingly beautiful
secretary?

Why not? The pickle business is
filled with beautiful people.

But I'd have to quit school
and move to New York.

That's a small price to pay
for success.

I can't believe this.
Uncle Joe, he--

You want me to become
the "Pickle King of Brooklyn?"

Hey, not yet. First, you're
the "Pickle Prince."

Think it over, kid. Here's a
pickle for you, all right?

I'll see you later.

You know, I like you, too.

I'll give you a pickle, too.

- Talk to you tonight.
- All right.

The "Pickle Prince"...

Yeah! What a lucky break!

Let's go see what our aptitude
test has to say, come on.

After you, Prince Charles.

[giggles]

Good afternoon. Which of you two
gentlemen is Lembeck?

Oh, I am, sir!

Well, if he's Lembeck,
who are you, and why?

This is Charles.

Wait a minute.

You're Stanley Willard
from the bank!

No, I used to be Stanley Willard
from the bank.

Now, I'm Stanley Willard

from the Business Administration
department

of Copeland College.

I'm also your new counselor.

Wait a minute.
You're the loan officer

that cancelled Charles'
student loan!

Ah! The good old days.

For the record, Charles,
I didn't cancel your loan.

I merely had the pleasure
of reporting it to you.

Why are you here?

Well, I,
I came with Buddy.

See, I, I was hoping
that, um--

Uh, hold that thought.
First I must deal with Lembeck.

Hmm...ah, yes.

A very interesting
aptitude test.

According to these results,

you're sort of
a jack-of-no-trades.

You mean,
I don't have any aptitude?

Lembeck,
everyone has aptitude.

Oh, good. Well what does
my test result say

that I'm best qualified for
that will pay me the most money?

Jury duty.

I like it...

but not as a career.

Oh, what would you like to do?

Well, I'd like to get rich
without working.

In that case,
I suggest you go into politics.

Politics!

Great idea!

Here's your test paper, Lembeck.

Goodbye.

Thanks.
I'll see you later, Charles.

All right.
Uh, Mr. Willard, about my
test...

Uh, Charles, you're here
without an appointment.

Now, I have you scheduled
for two o'clock tomorrow.

Goodbye.

I know that, Mr. Willard.
I just have one quick question.

You see, here are my options:

I can either quit school

and get a job that'll pay me
a lot of money,

or stay in school
and find a degree

in something
that I might love.

Now, could you just look at my
aptitude test

and tell me what to do?

Of course, Charles.

Thank you.

There. I looked, and now I'll
tell you what to do...

Come back at two o'clock
tomorrow. Goodbye!

[sighs]

Charles! There you are!

Did you forget that your mother
and your Uncle Joe

were both here for dinner?

Oh, no, no, Mr. Powell.

I was just out wandering around
and thinking...

you know, my Uncle Joe
offered me a job.

I know. He told us.

Oh, by the way,
you got a letter today.

Thank you.

I'll tell you, Mr. Powell.
This is a tough decision.

I just wish I had
some kind of sign

to show me what to do,
you know?

Hey, look at this.
I can't believe it,

Copeland college is raising
their tuition fee next fall.

Charles. Charles, you wanted
a sign. There it is.

You know what it says?

It says "Join the Navy!"

Oh, good, Charles!
You're just in time!

Come on, Kids.
Time for dinner.

Hey! Charley, my boy.

Hey, I thought you were
gonna be late for dinner.

Here, have an appetizer.

Listen Joe, I was just out, uh,
thinking over your offer,

and I, uh,
I came to a decision.

I'm gonna quit school
and come to work with you.

Hey! That's my boy!

[laughs]

Oh, Charles.
I'm happy for you.

There is nothing like spending
the rest of your life

doing something you truly love.

Yeah...

Pickles.

♪♪

Hi, uh, Mr. Willard? I'm, I'm
here for my appointment.

Um...now, before we start, I
want to be very honest with you.

I don't plan on going
back to college this fall.

Well, how could that possibly
affect my life?

Well, it can't. But what you say
to me today could affect mine.

Now, judging strictly
from my aptitude test,

how will I do
in the pickle business?

Have you ever been in the pickle
business before?

No.

Do you know anything about the
pickle business?

No.

Then why do you want to go
into the pickle business?

My uncle offered me
a high paying job.

Take it.

I, I did. I, I just wanted
to know what my aptitude test
has to say.

Hmm...okay.
Hmm. Unusual.

You attained a high score
in every category.

You're kidding me.

So what does the test say
I should do?

It doesn't. It doesn't even care
what you do.

It merely says you'll excel
at anything you attempt.

Get out of here!

No, Charles.

This is my office.

You get out of here.

Don't worry, Charley.

You're a natural!

It's hereditary.

You got pickle juice
flowing in your veins.

Your great-great-grandfather

was the first
"Pickle King of Brooklyn!"

Ever since, whenever the king
has fallen,

his rightful heir picks up
his pickle and runs with it.

Do you hear that, Charles?

Now you are one of those
lucky, plucky,
pickle-picking people.

Okay, now, we got sweet pickles,
we got sour pickles,

dill pickles, kosher pickles,
pickle relish, gherkins,

and a pack of pickled peppers.

Buddy, get me some bowls
and a glass of water!

Ah, no water for me.
I'm not thirsty, Buddy.

Oh, no. You need the water
to clear your palate.

By tomorrow you'll be able
to tell a Polish dill

from a Hungarian dill,
blindfolded.

Here, put this on.

That's it. Sit down. Let's go.

All right. Now, the first rule
of the trade is,

"know your pickle."

Sniff, boy.

Now, what do ya, what do ya,
what do you think that is?

Is there such a thing as a
sweat-sock pickle?

No, no. That's, that's
a Lithuanian garlic pickle.

Here. Bon appetit.

Hey! Uncle Joe!

You know, if your company does
a lot of advertising,

won't you be looking
for models?

Sure, why not? Who knows?

You could be
"Miss Pickle of 1995!"

Why do I have to wait that long?

You have to finish college
first, Jamie,

Ha, that's funny
coming from you, Charles.

Uncle Joe,
I'm available anytime.

Okay. Charley,
to be pickle-perfect,

you have to have pickle
practice.

Now, you just go on smelling
and tasting, all right?

I'll be back later and test you.

Okay.

Keep a stiff upper pickle.

Okay. Charles, are you ready?

Yeah.

Pucker up.

There you go.

And one of these. Here.
Smell. There you go.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
slow down.

Come on, I don't want to get
pickled out.

Come on, Charles. Think about
your chauffeur-driven secretary.

Charles, grandpa says you're
going into the pickle business

cause they raised your tuition.

Well, I saved 47 dollars from my
paper route.

And if it'll help,
you can have it all.

Oh, that's very nice of you,
Adam.

But you keep your money, okay?

Okay!

Charles, I was looking at
your aptitude test

and I have a big problem.

Could we talk privately?

Sure.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
What about your taste test?

Buddy, if I am gonna be
the Pickle Prince,

I'm gonna have to hire somebody
to be a food taster.

Practice!

What's the problem, Sarah?

Charles, I couldn't understand
your dropping out of school

until I read your aptitude test.

Then I found something out.

What?

That I'm just like you!

I'm good in all my classes, too,
but if I go to college,

what would I major in?

I think I'll just
get a job instead.

Sarah...

you are too smart
to settle for "just a job."

You should find a career.
Something you love.

Do you love pickles?

Well, no, no, but I could learn
to love them.

What if you don't?

Well, you're missing the point,
Sarah.

You see, you have
to go to college

cause you have the brains
and the talent to do big things!

All you need is the training!

See what I mean, Charles?

I'm just like you.

I'll go to college if you will.

You're getting pretty smart
there, kid, you know that?

That's cause I taught you
everything I know.

Then I guess you're going to
have to learn more.

You can't be a good teacher

if you're dumber
than your students.

You know something?
You are absolutely right.

I know.

Thanks for the advice, Charles.

[doorbell]

Hey, Charley!

The old Pickle King forgot
to tell you something.

I promised to take the family

for a ride
in the pickle mobile tonight.

You tell your mom
when she gets here, okay?

Oh, wait! Uh, Uncle Joe,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure. What do you want?

[clears throat]

Uh...

[stutters]
I'm not gonna take the job,
you see...

Uncle Joe, you, you live,
breathe, and smell pickles.

You know, you love
the pickle business...I don't.

So...

So I, I kind of might love,
uh...teaching,

you know...kids.

Then, that's what you
should do.

You're not mad at me?

Nah! Your mom said
you wouldn't take the job.

Come to think of it, you know,

I never thought you
had a lot of pickle in you.

Then why did you
offer me the job?

Because your mom said
you had a problem!

Hey!
I just want you to be happy!

Thanks, Uncle Joe.

Hey! No problem!

Have a pickle, kid.

I'll see you later, all right?

Charles, I, I've been thinking.
You know...

I'm gonna get a college degree
and you aren't.

You're gonna be
moving to Brooklyn,

and I'm gonna be here
in college...alone.

I've come to the conclusion
you're making a big mistake.

Okay. I'm gonna stay in school
and major in education.

Oh...well, that was easy.

I'll see you later, Charles.

- Hi, Buddy.
- Oh hi, Aunt Lillian.

Oh, I talked Charles
into staying in college!

You did? That's wonderful!

Mommy, I can't believe
you put Uncle Joe

up to offering me a job.

Believe it, sweetheart.

Yeah, but how did you know
I wouldn't take it?

You're my son!

You wanted a choice,
so I gave you one.

You could stay in college
and get a good degree,

or you could drop out
and get another mother.

- Do you hate me?
- No!

Then what do you do?

Say it, Charles. Come on.
I want to hear you say it.

I love you.

Good choice.

[laughs]

♪♪

Buddy, are you still eating
pickles?

Oh, Charles!
I'm learning the pickle business

and I'm getting
really good at it, too.

You're looking at a man
who knows his pickles.

I haven't missed yet!

Now, watch this...
Next pickle, please!

Hold on...there you go.

Oh, thank you.

[clears throat]

Hmm.

Well, it's soft and squishy.

It's, it's a tad disgusting.
I...

I think I'm eating
a rotten pickle!

[footsteps]

Uh, Charles, have you seen
my pet frog? I lost him.

[gagging]

[laughing]

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪