03x14 - Trading Papers

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

Hello, everybody!
I did it!

Sarah! Adam! Jamie!

Anybody?

Hello, world?
Guess what!

I got an "A"
in creative writing!

Check it out!

You see that?
Why don't you spread the word!

Oh, Sarah!
How are you?

Okay?
It's very nice to see you!

You know what? You're really
gonna appreciate this, look.

I got an "A"
in creative writing!

Congratulations, Charles.
That's wonderful.

I wish I were dead.

Well, I knew you'd
be excited, Sarah.

I didn't think
you'd get hysterical.
What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

- Oh, hi, Charles.
You remember my friend Lisa?
- Hi.

Hey, Lisa, how you doin'?
Jamie!

Look what I got.
I got an "A"
in creative writing!

Ohh, I thought you always
got good grades, Charles.

No, no, not always, you see,
I needed at least a,

a "B" or better on this paper,

to keep my grade point average
from dropping into,

"Charles, you can forget
about your student loan" area.

Now, I gotta tell you,
I was really sweating it out,

because creative writing
is not my thing.

Oh, you know what
isn't my thing? Math.

If it weren't for Lisa,
I'd be flunking.

- She's tutoring me.
- Yeah, I'm teaching
Jamie math,

and she's teaching me
power shopping.

Oh, that's great.
But, seriously!

I mean, look at what the
toughest teacher in college
said about my paper!

Not now, Charles.
We have a lot of homework.

Wh-what is this,
the wet blanket family?

[knocking on door]

- Hey, Charles?
- Buddy!

My friend!

Hey!

[Charles laughing]

Ask me how I did.

- Oh, how you did what?
- How I did this.

Professor Kleeman gave
you an "A" on your
creative writing essay?

- Uh-huh.
- That's great!
You were expecting a "B!"

No, I needed a "B."
I was expecting an "F."

Well, what did you
write about?

You know, they gave you
one of those weird subjects,

like choose
something intangible,

- so I chose friendship.
- Good choice!
Did you mention me by name?

No.

Oh.

Alright, sit down,
check it out.

Huh, what do you think, Buddy?

What do you think?
Huh, huh, what do you think?

Charles, y-you didn't tell me
that this was a poem.

It's not a poem.

Well, then why does it rhyme?

It doesn't rhyme!

Sure it does.
Listen to this.

"As a blind man sees
the colors of music,

I feel the texture of love
In crinoline whispers
and silken sighs,

And satin glances
from velvet eyes."

- See, eyes and sighs...
- Wait a, wait a minute.

I didn't write this.

This is my cover page, but...

th-this sounds like something
Sarah would write.

Buddy, where's my essay?

Charles, I think
you'd better talk to Sarah.

You know, she's
really depressed,

about some English assignment
she turned in.

Oooh...

Hey... Charles!
What's the rush?

The way I look at it,
you see one depressed girl,

you've seen 'em all.

And I should know.

- Sarah, can I come in?
- I don't care.

Sarah?

What?

Where are you?

I'm in the closet.

Um...

Sarah, uh...

Th-The homework assignment
you turned in...

by chance...

- Did it happen to be a poem?
- Yes.

- Did you get it back?
- Yes.

Okay.
Big, big question.

After you got it back,
did you read it?

I didn't have to.
My teacher read it.

She hated it!

Um...

Sarah...

Sarah.

Sarah.

What if, instead of a poem,
you turned in an essay?

That's what I should've done.
We had three choices.

Write a short story,
a poem, or an essay.

I chose a poem because
I thought I was a good poet.

But Sarah, i-if you didn't
read it after you got it back,

how do you know it was yours?

Well, it was my poem, alright.

It had my name
on the cover page.

I'll tell you what, let's,
let's look past the cover page,

and read what's inside.
Where'd you put it?

I don't have it.

What do you mean
you don't have it?
Where is it?

I put it where my teacher
thinks it belongs,

in the garbage!

Charles, you know, I-I...

I'm your best friend,

and if you're really
that broke and hungry,

I'll give you my garbage.

Sarah's homework.

"C minus?"

[stammering] "C minus?"

I got an "A" on her poem.

She got a "C minus"
on my essay?

Well, why did she trade papers
with you in the first place?

She didn't, Buddy!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I remember what happened now.

Sit down.

Think, Buddy.

Think back to last Tuesday.

Early Tuesday morning.

[Charles narrating]
I'd walked calmly
into Sarah's room,

to ask a simple little favor.

[knocking on door]

Come in.

- Is everybody dressed?
- Yeah.

Some of us more fashionably
than others.

Sarah, I-I-I need
your typewriter.

Time is running out on me.

Time doesn't run out
on people, Charles.

People run out of time.

What are you writing,
bumper stickers?

I'm typing my
English assignment.

Look, I know junior high
school homework is
kind of important,

but th-this essay
that I have for college,

is very important!

Look, if I don't get at least
a "B" on it, my GPA will drop,

I'll lose my college degree,
and I'll end up on skid row.

Any questions?

Charles, I'm about to be
late for school, and I still
have to type my cover page.

It'll take about five minutes.

Okay, Sarah, m-my assignment's
due in 20 minutes.

When is yours due?

- This afternoon.
Fifth period.
- Okay, I'll tell you what.

I will type your cover page,
attach it to your paper,

and bring it to you
in school today, okay?

[sigh] Well, okay.

- Alright.
- Just don't make
any mistakes!

I don't have time
to make mistakes.

- Charles, guess what!
- Uh-huh, what?

Kevin Holloway and I
were at the supermarket,

and this guy goes,

"I'll give you boys
a penny a piece,

for every handbill
you pass out,"

and Kevin goes,
"Make it two,"

and the guy goes,
"You've got a deal!"

Adam, that is
totally incorrect!

Jamie, I was there.
You weren't.

She's talking about
your grammar, Adam.

The guy didn't go,
"You've got a deal."

The guy said,
"You've got a deal."

Huh?

Cows go "moo,"
and g*ns go "bang."

People do not "go" words.
They "say" words.

"Go" is incorrect.

Oh, you mean I should
never say "go,"

- I should say, "say."
- Right.

Excuse me, I've got to "say"
to the bathroom.

What's Adam gonna say
to the bathroom?

Oh, he'll probably say,

"Hello, bathroom,
how you feeling?

You're looking
a little flush today."

You better hurry, you're
gonna be late for school.

Yeah, I'm hurrying, Buddy.

Alright, let me see, um...

Wait a minute, okay,
this is mine.

And this is Sarah's.
Now, where's my cover page?

Charles,
I really need your opinion.

Which skirt
do you like better?

Um... the blue one.

B-But Jamie, if you
change now, you're
gonna be late for school.

I'm not gonna change now,

I'm trying to decide
what I'm gonna wear tomorrow.

You should do what I do.

See, put both outfits on,
and tomorrow morning,

when you get up,
instead of getting dressed,

you just take one outfit off.

And then, I-I turned in
my paper,

and dropped Sarah's paper off
at her school.

Wait a minute,
are you telling me,

that it's partly my fault that
the cover pages got mixed up?

No, no, no, Buddy.
It's my fault.

I wasn't paying attention.

[sigh] Now, I have to go
down to Sarah's school,

and straighten this out
with her teacher.

But wait 'til Sarah
finds out she got an "A"
from a college professor.

Wait a minute, if a
junior high school teacher
gave your essay a "C minus,"

what's a college professor
gonna give it?

- Hi, Buddy! Hi, Charles!
- Hi.

- Hi, Aunt Lillian.
- Hello, Charles.

Your mother was kind enough
to drive us home
from the supermarket.

That's where I was working.

I put handbills on the
windshields of 500 cars.

- I made ten bucks, Charles.
- Alright, Adam.

Sweetheart, did you get
your pictures taken
for the yearbook, yet?

Oh, no, Mom.
That's later this afternoon.

How'd you do in that class
you were worried about?

Well, uh...

The paper I handed in
came back with an "A" on it.

- "A!" Wonderful!
- Charles, keep up
the good work!

- Thank you.
- Oh, I gotta run.

Congratulations on the grade.

I knew you'd come through.

Thank you.

You know, it's too bad,
you're gonna have to tell
Professor Kleeman,

the poem wasn't yours.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

I guess I don't have
much choice.

No, you don't.
I mean, I on the other hand,

would've kept the "A"
and kept my mouth shut, but...

I'm not you.

Buddy.

I really need that "A."

I know that.

I have that "A."

Well... not really.

I need that "A,"

I have that "A,"

and I'm gonna keep that "A."

Come on!
Who are you kidding?

You're an honest guy, Charles.
You can't do that.

Watch me.

♪♪

Charles, you can't take an "A"
that you don't deserve.

I could,
but you can't.

- Why not?
- Because,

you have this
strange compulsion
to do the right thing.

That's the problem, Buddy.
I always do the right thing.

A-A-And people
who do the right thing
should get rewarded,

and this is my reward,
an "A" in creative writing.

Oh, come on, Charles.
Y-You're confusing me.

You're starting
to act like me,

- and it makes it very hard,
- Buddy.

- to take you seriously.
- Buddy,

people in high places lie,

cheat, and betray
the public all the time.

Compared to that,
what I'm doing is nothing!

Oh, that's true, all you did
was cheat on one little paper.

I did not cheat.

I made a mistake.
Whoops!

I'm sorry, Buddy!

And people are supposed
to profit from their mistakes.

I'm gonna profit
from this one,

but right now,
I gotta help Sarah.

How're we gonna help me,
Charles?

My poems are below average.

No, Sarah, y-you didn't, uh,

you didn't get a "C minus"
on your poem, you see,

I accidentally put
your cover page on my essay,

and my cover page
on your poem.

Your poem got an "A."

- It did!
- Yeah.

Charles, that's wonderful!

Wait a minute...

You mean, I turned in
your college essay,

and it only got a "C minus?"

How can that be?

Yes, Charles,
how can that be?

[sigh] Well, Sarah, um...

[clears throat]

College has a different
method of grading
than junior high school.

[loud coughing]

The main thing is,

Monday morning,
I'm going down to your school,

and I'm gonna straighten
this whole thing out
with your teacher, okay?

Okay.

- Thanks, Charles!
- Alright.

Buddy, will you come with me
when I go see her teacher?

- I need a witness.
- Sure.

- Thanks.
- Now, be serious, Charles.

You want me to go with you,

when you talk to
Professor Kleeman, don't you?

W-Why should I
talk to Kleeman?

What he doesn't know
won't hurt me.

Okay, Charles,
but I don't like this.

Because the new you
is starting to sound
a lot like the old me.

A-And since there
is no new me,

we might end up being
the same person.

And, if that happens,

w-who will the kids have
to look up to?

♪♪

Alright, now,
let me get this straight.

Sarah, you wrote this poem,
but you turned in this essay.

Now, that doesn't make sense.

Can someone please
explain this to me?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Mr. Lembeck.

I, Buddence Lembeck the third,
witnessed the entire event.

Go ahead.

Well, Sarah's brother, Adam,
was talking to the bathroom,

and Sarah's sister, Jamie,
was modeling dresses,

and Charles' friend, me,
was trying to get him to stop
studying and go to college,

and we were all very confused.

And some of us still are.

Thank you.

Mrs. Williams,
what really happened was,

I accidentally put
Sarah's cover page,

on another student's essay,

and she turned it in
by accident.

The poem is Sarah's.

Mrs. Williams, I swear I wrote
that poem all by myself.

It's okay, Sarah,
I believe you,

and I'll re-grade your paper.

You know,
I really am very relieved.

I've come to expect
sensitivity and depth
and beauty from you, Sarah.

That essay had none
of those qualities.

Thanks, Mrs. Williams.
I better get to my next class.

Thanks, Charles, Buddy.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

Mrs. Williams, are you saying,

that if you had known
the essay wasn't Sarah's,

that, you might have given it
a better grade?

Well, that depends
on who wrote it.

Do you think that's fair?

Charles, I'm a teacher,
not a computer.

I have to try and treat
each student as an individual.

Well, in other words,

the essay might have gotten
a better grade,

if it had been graded by
a different teacher.

It's possible.

Charles, do you hear that?

A-A college professor
in creative writing,

might have given it a-a "B,"
or even an "A."

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Neither would I.
What're you talking to me for?

I already got an "A"
in creative writing.

Thank you, Mrs. Williams.

♪♪

Stop, Buddy,
stop nagging me!

Oh, define nagging, go ahead.

[overlapping arguing]

- Everything is fine.
- No, it's not!

- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

Sarah got an "A" on her poem.
I got an "A"...

...on her poem.

I don't wanna talk
to you anymore.

Okay, that's fine.

Because I don't know
who you are anymore.

[door slams]

What a gyp!
It's unfair!

Adam, can we talk about it?

- Grandpa, I worked all day
putting handbills on cars.
- Uh-huh.

Kevin dumps his handbills
in the sewer,

and takes the money!
It really gets my dandruff up!

Well, don't let it!
You did the right thing.

That's all that counts.

It doesn't matter
what anyone else does,

stick with principles,
and you'll never go wrong.

Why's everybody picking on me?

[doorbell rings]

Doorbell.

- Oh, hi Aunt Lillian.
- Hi, Adam.

Sweetheart, where are the
proofs for your
yearbook pictures?

Oh, uh, they're right here,
Mom.

- Oh!
- Take a look at 'em,
see which one you like.

Okay!

[clears throat]
What do you think?

Interesting.

Not good.

But, interesting.

Well, why, Mom?
What's wrong with them?

Well, honey, the day you had
these pictures taken,

was the day you got
an "A" in school.

You shoulda looked happy.
Honey, you don't look happy.

Mom, I'm smiling
in every picture.

Your mouth is smiling,
but... I don't know,

there's something different
in your eyes.

Um, it's your face, alright,
but...

It's like there's
a stranger in there,

looking out at me
through your eyes.

Oh... I guess I should get
some new ones taken, huh?

Oh, good, good!

- Okay, I'll see you later.
- Okay, bye, Mom.

[clears throat]

- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- No, no, it's okay!

- You wanted me to be honest
with you, didn't you?
- Yes, Mom, yes, I did.

I think everybody
should be honest.

Vincent,
I am a college professor.

I know everything.

How do you think I live
so well on my salary?

Investments, Vincent,
investments!

- [knocking on door]
- That's right...

Oh, hold it.

Uh, Charles, uh, come on in.

Have a seat,
I'll be with you in a minute.

- [Charles clears throat]
- Vincent, some people call it
"insider trading."

I call it "free enterprise."

No, nobody's gonna go to jail!

You won't go to jail, Vincent!

Pardon?

Martin might go to jail,

but he's young!
He can take it!

Charles, he was kidding!

I'm not kidding, Vincent.

You're either in
or you're out, okay?

Let me know by six.

Thanks.

Well, Charles.

What can I do for you?

Uh...
[clears throat]

Professor, the, um...

The poem I wrote...

- Mm-hmm?
- I didn't write it.

Interesting.

You know, some people feel
that Shakespeare didn't write
all his own material, either.

Some say that Shakespeare
was Bacon.

That would explain
his crisp dialogue.

You know, I like a little joke
every now and then.

You are one, aren't you?

Who are you?

Uh, my name is Buddy.
Buddence Lembeck, sir.

Lembeck.

I don't have any Lembecks
in my class,

and I'd rather not have any
in my personal life, okay?

Now, Charles,
what's your problem?

Well, m-my problem is,
I-I accidentally turned in,

a-another student's poem.
What I wrote was an essay.

- Here it is.
- Oh.

Well, I'm sure it's
a very fine essay, Charles,

but these grades have
already been entered
into the computer.

We don't wanna irritate
the computer, do we?

Now, as I recall,
you got an "A" in this paper.

Why are you trying to make
my life miserable?

I'm not, sir. I-I just don't
think I should take an "A"

for work I didn't do.

Charles,

as the poet says,

"The moving finger writes,
and having writ, moves on."

I suggest you play
that you're a moving finger,

and also, move on.

And please, take your
pet Lembeck with you.

[indistinct]

Let's go, Buddy.

[sigh] Wait a minute .

Buddy, you were right.
Professor,

look I-I already made
one mistake,

I don't wanna make
another one.

I-I want you to grade me
on my work.

Even if it means
you get a "C" or a "D?"

Yeah, even if it means
I get an "F."

You're a self-destructive
lil' devil, aren't ya?

Tell me the truth, Charles.
Why are you doing this?

Because I don't want some
stranger looking at my mom
from behind my eyeballs.

And I don't understand
what Charles just said,

but I'll defend to the death
his right to confuse me.

Lembeck, let me ask you
a personal question.

Are you ever planning to take
any of my classes?

Uh, no, sir.

Thank you.

You know, Charles,
maybe I was wrong.

Y-You know, maybe you shoulda
kept your mouth shut,

and taken the "A."

No, Buddy, th-the grade
doesn't matter anymore,

what matters is that I feel
good about myself again,

and I owe it all to you.

You pushed me into doing
the right thing,

and I appreciate it.

Yeah, but what if
your paper gets an "F,"

and you lose
your student loan?

Then I will get even with you
if it's the last I do.

Kidding, Buddy!
Honesty is it's own reward.

[doorbell rings]

- Charles.
- Professor.

Just thought I'd stop off with
your paper on the way home.

Here.
Keep it to yourself.

An "A," a "B,"
and a "C."

Is this a multiple choice
grade, sir?

No, the "C" is for your essay.

The "A" is for your honesty

That averages out to a "B."

Uh, don't tell anybody,
alright?

That's great, Professor!

You saved my
grade point average!

Thank you!

Uh... but why is is a secret?

Because, Charles,
honesty can be contagious

What if everybody who ever
cheated on one of my tests
came in and confessed?

I'd have to re-grade
all those papers!

The computer'd never stand
for it,

so just count your blessings
and button your lip, okay?

You know, sir,
you are an inspiration to me,

a-and I wanna take every one
of your classes!

Oh...

Good.

Charles, I'll tell ya,

if Lembeck ever steps a foot
in one of my classes,

I'll revise your grade
and give you and "F!"

- For what?
- Bad taste in friends.

What did he say?

Well, he was just, uh,
complimenting me
on my taste in friends.

Really?

Would I lie?

♪♪

Go fish.

Gin.

Hello, men!
What's going on?

- Hello, sir.
- Oh, good news Mr. Powell!

Charles got a "B"
on his essay!

- I thought you got an "A?"
- I did.

But that was for honesty.

- Well then, what'd he get
in his essay?
- He got a "C."

- I thought you said
he got a "B?"
- I did.

The other day,
you said you got an "A."

No, that was on Sarah's poem.

You mean, Sarah got an "A"
on her poem?

No, sir, Sarah got a "C minus"
on Charles' essay.

You mean, Charles got
a "C minus" on his essay?

- No, sir, Charles got a "C."
- You just said he got a "B!"

- I did.
- He just said you got a "C!"

- I did.
- Did what!?

Did you get an "A,"
or did you get a "C?"

- Yes, sir.
- He got and "A" and a "C."

Which averaged out to a "B."

Which isn't as good as an "A,"
but it's a lot better
than a "C."

Yeah, which means I can
live with myself now.

Keep this up,
and you'll have to!

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

♪♪