03x21 - Where the Auction Is

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

Seven dollars and 20 cents minus

and my bank balance is...


I'm rich, good. Now I can buy
a calculator that works.

[doorbell rings]

[Mr. Powell]
Doorbell!

Come in!

Hey, Charles, here's your mail.

You may have already won
one million dollars

in the American Fertilizer
Association Sweepstakes.

Oooo, again?

Wait, there's more. You've also
received ton of money saving

coupons from the House of Wigs.

Oh good,
I was waiting for this.

And look, here's a letter from
the Sigma Delta Sorority House.

Hey, I wonder what
they could be giving away?

Whatever it is, I'll take two.

Oh, check it out Buddy.
They want me to volunteer

to be sold in their annual
Bachelor sl*ve Auction.

Could you imagine being
a sorority girl's sl*ve
for three days?

Yes.

Well it could be hazardous
to your health Buddy.

Remember what happened
at the last sl*ve auction

at Henry's Hamburger House?

Five woman started bidding on
Larry Anderson.

Oh, yeah, and as I recall,
he ended up in a full body cast.

Yeah, he also ended up suing
Henry's Hamburger House for a
quarter of a million dollars.

Well apparently it doesn't worry
your mother.

They're holding the auction this
year at her pizza parlor!

What?
Give me that.

No, I can't let
my mother do this.

This could put
her out of business.

I got to call her
and talk her out of it.

Oh, Charles!
- Yeah.

Grampa says I have to clean my
room before dinner,

but I have to go over to Kevin
Holloway's house,

so I won't have time.
So will you do it?

No Adam, my job doesn't include
cleaning your room.

Go.
- Thanks a lot Charles.

Give me the phone.

Hello, Sigma Delta Sorority?

Yeah, I'd like to sign up for
your annual sl*ve auction,

this weekend.

This is Buddy Lembeck.

Well you don't
have to get hostile.

Just sign me up, okay?
Thanks.

Fine, fine fine.

You want to make a fool out of
yourself, go ahead,

I'm not.

Charles, we need your help!

See, I got talked into
making the onion dip for
Marci Crawford's party tomorrow,

but I don't have time to do it.

So, I told Marci I'd make the
onion dip,

but now I don't have time.
Will you do it?

Sorry girls, I don't
do windows or dips

Charles is right, girls.

Onion dip is not
in his job description.

Gee, Grampa, if that's true
what good is he?

Thanks for backing me up,
Mr. Powell.

You're welcome.

Oh, Charles, since you won't be
making onion dip tonight,

you'll be free to clean the
basement.

You see how things work out?

Give me the phone, Buddy.

Wait a minute.

Hi Cindy?

Yeah, this is Buddy Lembeck.

Listen, I'm going to be in the
Sigma Delta Sorority sl*ve
Auction this weekend.

How'd you like to own me for
three whole days?

Okay I'll loan you
the money to buy me.

Okay I'll give you
the money to buy me.

Give me the phone.

Thanks anyway, Cindy.

Geez, if I can't afford me,
who can?

It's busy!

Okay, I can not let my mother
get involved in this.

Let's go.

Mom.

Hi, Charles.

The Sigma Delta girls are having
their sl*ve auction here,

tell me I'm wrong.

Fine thanks, how are you.

Simone?
My name is Buddy Lembeck.

How would you like to own me?

[slap]
Ow.

Mom, mom!

First of all you're not
gonna make a penny.

These girls come in they spend
all their money on guys,

not on pizza.

I'm not doing it for profit.

The proceeds from the auction
go to the sorority's
Big Sister program.

Hi, my name is Buddy!

[slap]
Ow!

Move.

Mom, come on those things can
get out of hand.

You're just looking for trouble.

Hi!
[slap]
Ow!!

It's for charity.

Besides, I get to be
the auctioneer.

Great.
My mother the sl*ve trader.

Lighten up, Charles!

They say you haven't been owned
'til you've been owned by a
Sigma Delta girl.

I don't want to be owned.

Ooh, I wouldn't mind being owned
by Jeanie Andersen over there.

You mean new transfer student?

Forget it.
She's a nice girl, Charles.

Hi.
- Hi.

Jeanie, sit down.

Thanks.

Listen have you guys heard
about our sl*ve auction?

Your sl*ve auction?

You're not a Sigma Delta,
are you?

Sure, I pledged last semester
at Barrington U.

The truth is, I've always
thought sl*ve auctions,

were degrading and disgusting.

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

But I'm behind this sl*ve
auction all the way,

because it'll really help our
Big Sister program.

Absolutely!

An-an-and that is the only
reason why I volunteered

to be sold
in this sl*ve auction.

Because it's such
a good charity.

What?
Charles, you just said...

Buddy, your mouth is leaking.

I was hoping you'd
volunteer, Charles,

because, well,

I think it would be fun to own
you for a few days.

Well, um...

You do the bidding,
and then I'll do your bidding.

Here's to the sl*ve auction.

Oh, Charles, the shoe box that
was under my bed

is suddenly in my closet.

I didn't move it!
Neither did Sarah.

Neither did I, so who did?

Uh, the shoe fairy.

It's not funny, Charles.

Remember the 50 dollars
Aunt Ethel gave each of us
when she was here?

Yeah, you guys put it in
the bank right?

Wrong, we put it in a shoe box.

See, Aunt Ethel said we could
use the money to buy anything

we wanted, so we wanted to be
able to get at

it when we found
something we wanted.

In the meantime,

we want you to hold
our money for us.

Oh, look, I'd love to help
you guys, but I don't want
to hold it.

I mean, if I lost it,
I'd feel terrible.

But Charles, we trust you.

Thank you, Sarah, but I trust
the bank a little bit more.

I'm sorry.

Don't you ever get tired of
saying no to us?

No.

Look, I help you guys in every
way that I can,

but once in a while you have to
help yourselves, okay.

And I got to run.
I got a big night ahead of me.

Oh, you wouldn't be going to
that dumb sl*ve auction,
would you?

Oh yeah, yeah, I'm going to that
dumb sl*ve auction

that's to help the Big Sisters.

Gosh, you know what?

I'd do anything for those girls.

♪♪

Oooh!
[imitating auctioneer speech]

What am I bid for this cute boy?






Miss...
You're the only one bidding.

You don't have to go any higher.

Yes, I do.

I'm not walking out of here with
a cheap sl*ve,



Sold for 50 dollars!

Hey, Charles, how would you like
to be bought this girl?

No, Jeanie Andersen's the only
one that's allowed to buy me.

Uhh, excuse me,

Excuse me, I'd like to acquaint
you with the many advantages of

owning a Lembeck.

I'd rather have a bad rash.

Oh, in that case, you'll want to
bid on Donald Putney.

Move it, you slugs.

Excuse me?

Just checking
the merchandise, studmuffins.

[gavel knocking]

And now,
for your buying pleasure,
I offer you a boy,

whose mother loves him more than
anyone else ever will.

It's with a deep sense of pride
and affection that I now
sell him into sl*very.

My only son.

Charles, come on down.

[cheering]

And now, what am I bid?
Do I hear 20 dollars?












[crowd oooohs]

I have a bid of 80,
do I hear 85?


Doodlebug, you can't bid.
You're the bidee.

Going once for 80, once, twice.

One hundred and fifty dollars!

going twice.

Sold for 150 dollars.

I'm sorry, Charles.
I really wanted to buy you,

but I don't have
that much money.

Oh that's alright Jeanie.
You gave it a shot, thanks.

I-I got to go meet my new owner.

Here are the ownership papers.

Be gentle with him.

Don't worry,
he'll be in good hands.

Hi,
I'm yours.

No, not really.

Actually, I'm a buyer's
representative.

What does that mean?

I bought you for someone else.

[laughs]

You're kidding right?

No, the last thing I'd ever do
is kid a sl*ve.

Meet your new owners!

You, you bought me for them?
Why?

I'm Marci Crawford's sister.

I ended up having to make the
onion dip for her party.

What are you guys
trying to prove?

Well, Aunt Ethel said we could
buy anything we wanted.

With the Christmas money
she gave us.

We thought a sl*ve
would be nice.

Yeah, and now you have to do
everything we say.

For three whole days.

Buddy Lembeck.
Put it on the block.

Congratulations, Charles!

Your new owner
is incredibly gorgeous.

You don't know
what your saying Buddy.

Come on, come on Buddy.

Ok now, what am I bid?
Do I hear 50?

No!

Do I hear 40?

No!

Do I hear anything?



going twice!

Sold!

You, you bought Buddy?

Well, you were taken,

and I just didn't
want to leave empty-handed.

Besides, I never could
resist a bargain.

Don't feel badly Charles.

You may not be a bargain,
but you're all ours.

And my bank balance is...

I'm overdrawn by 57,000 dollars.

Charles, you're up early, good!

Sarah and I want
breakfast in bed today.

Blueberry pancakes and don't
forget the blueberry sauce.

[mimicking Jamie]
'We want Blueberry pancakes,

and don't forget
the blubbery sauce.'

Hey, Charles, how's the luckiest
guy in New Brunswick?

How would I know.

How did you get
away from your owner.

Jeanie? I told her I had to put
gas in the car.

She's a nice girl, Charles,
but she's more your type.

Yeah, I know that Buddy!

That's why I volunteered for
that dumb sl*ve auction,

so she could buy me.

Well, she didn't so there's
nothing I can do about it.

Watch my pancakes?

Hey, you wouldn't be

preparing these for your new
owner, would you?

Who else?

Now wait a minute,
don't tell me.

You're going to prepare
the breakfast here,

and then take them
over to her place, huh?

Buddy,
the owner's in this house.

Wait a minute, are we talking
breakfast in bed here?

You've got it, but unfortunately
you've got it wrong.

No, Charles,
I understand these things.

And I would give
five years of my life...

to trade places with you.

You know I would give ten years
of your life, Buddy.

You see, you're not listening.

You're jumping to
conclusions again.

You don't know who
my owner really is.

No, Charles I saw the woman that
bought you, she's gorgeous.

I don't need a
psychological profile.

Buddy I'm trying to tell...

Where are all my pancakes?

If Mr. Powell comes home

and sees all those pancakes
on the ceiling,

he's liable to think I did it.

How can they just stay there
like that.

You're a good sl*ve Charles.
These pancakes are very tasty.

Yeah, but next time,
try not to take so long.

I know I got myself into this.

An-and I know I did it
for all the wrong reasons.

Now I'm willing to keep my end
of the bargain,

but don't push your luck.

Hey, the face mask on my helmet
is coming apart.

Fix it, and be quick about it,
peasant dog!

Of course, you little master.

Good sl*ve.

Charles, if you ever finish
ironing Sarah's blouse,

I want you for try on your
costume.

What costume?

Oh, we're having a
'40s party tomorrow night.

Marci Crawford's sister picked
up our costumes.

See she was going to chaperone

but now that we own you,
she won't have to.

I'm going as Fred Astaire,

and Jamie's going
as Humphrey Bogart.

Yeah and you'll be dressed
as a famous singing star.

No way forget it!

If you think,

If you think, I'm going to
chaperone a party,

dressed like this, you're nuts!

Charles, sl*ves don't call their
owners 'nuts.'

You could be severely
punished for that.

Oh, really Sarah?

What could you
possibly do to me, huh?

Smear my lipstick?

Cancel my subscription
to Mademoiselle?

Eat my hat?

Stop complaining Charles.

You made a deal,
besides you look beautiful.

I think we'll just have to take
the bra in a little.

Come on Sarah,
let's get some pins.

Gah!

Good lord, It's Carmen Miranda.

I thought you were dead.

I am!

Do me a favor, Charles.

From now on if you don't want to
wear panty-hose

at least have the decency to
shave your legs.

All right, that's it.
I quit!

Find yourselves another sl*ve.

Uno moment, Señorita.

If your gonna be dumb enough to
sell yourself into sl*very,

you're going to have
to pay the consequences.

I'm trying, Mr. Powell,

but the kids are taking
advantage of the situation.

[doorbell rings]
Doorbell!

They've come up with the most
degrading, embarrassing,

and humiliating...

How you doing?

It must be a drag wearing that
uniform all day, huh?

Thank you.

I have to admit it,
that was pretty humiliating.

Grampa, the only reason we
bought Charles,

because he wouldn't
do what we asked him to.

Yeah, and for 150 bucks
we want to see him sweat!

Well it looks to me that,
you just threw your money away.

Well actually Mr. Powell,
the money went to a good cause.

It went to the Big Sister's
foundation.

Oh, well, well,
that is a pretty good cause.

Besides, it was worth it just
for the laughs.

Carry on, kids.

You too, Carmen.

Charles, I'm waiting
for this helmet.

Huh,

so, that's why you guys
bought me, huh?

You didn't think
I did enough for you.

Right.

Here, put your arms up Charles.

Hold these pins
for me in your mouth.

Hi, where's Charles?
He forgot his books.

Charles?
- Ma, Ma!

You look lovely Charles.

Is he doing this voluntarily,
or his he being punished?

Both. Cause every time we've
asked him to do something,

out of the ordinary,
he'd say no.

Yeah,

I'll be you waited on Charles
hand and foot when he was a kid.

Me?
Not a chance.

Uh-uh.
When Charles was very young,

I made him clean his own room,

make his own bed, and take care
of all his own things.

You did?
- Ya-uh.

Cause there is nothing more
pathetic than a helpless adult.

I gave Charles the greatest
gift of all, self-sufficiency.

And that's why he can take such
good care of you kids.

Sweetheart...

If you tango too much
in those shoes,

you'll get varicose veins.

[muffled]
Bye.

Charles, that's why you didn't
do everything we asked you to?

[muffled]
Yes.

You were helping us
by not helping us.

[muffled answer]

Gee, now I feel guilty.

[muffled]
What for?

Me too.

I'm sorry Charles.

[muffled] Don't worry 'bout it.
- Yeah, so am I.

I think the costume will be
fine, you can take it off now.

We'll be in the kitchen if you
need any help.

Hey!

I hope you guys learned
something from this.

You are very lucky
that you have a mature,

responsible and intelligent,
young man keeping an eye on you.

From now on, pay attention.

♪ la cucaracha la cucaracha♪

Charles is right, Jamie.

From now on, let's stop making
so many demands on him.

Well Sarah, we paid for a sl*ve.

Let's at least
get our money's worth.

We can start being nicer
to him next week.

Oh, yeah.

Charles?

[Charles]
I'll be out in a second!

I have a surprise for you.

Come on in Jeanie, he's here.

Yep.

Hey!

Jeanie, hi.
Come on in, sit down

Hello Charles.

Charles, Charles, I've been
thinking about what you said,

about trading places.

And Jeanie's willing to trade.

Jeanie doesn't want me,
she wants you.

And you want Jeanie.

So maybe you could talk your
gorgeous owner into trading.

Please Charles.
[over lapping dialogue]

I'd love to but you don't know
what you're saying.

You see, you're
not listening again.

No, I do, Charles.
I saw the woman that bought you,

and I wanna be her sl*ve.

Now, maybe you
could talk her into it.

Come on Charles.
You have to do it.

I have to?

Buddy, you know
you're my best friend

and I'd do anything for you.

Okay.

Can I have his
receipt please, Jeanie?

Thanks, you know,
I'll be right back.

[snickers]

He went for it!

He was bought by the most
gorgeous girl on campus.

And now she's mine,
she's all mine, well...

I'm sorry, the second most
gorgeous girl on campus.

- Thank you.
- You got it, Buddy.

Yes!
I win, I win!

Your owner,
will be out in a second.

Jeanie, I'm all yours.

Okay, Charles.

You can start,
by taking me to a movie.

Well, your command,
is my wish.

I also wish you to command me to
take you to dinner

at the Starlight Room.

Consider it an order.

Yoo-hoo!

I'm waiting.

All right sl*ve.
Put this outfit on.

And be quick about it.

Peasant dog.

♪♪

Anyway, Uncle Joe, after my
owner set me free,

I learned a valuable lesson.

I will never be
anyone's sl*ve again.

Charles, I'm really stuck on
this algebra problem.

Oh, all right Sarah, I'll be up
and help you in a minute.

Okay.

Charles, I just broke
the top to my thermos!

Oh, okay Adam, put it in my room
and I'll glue it later.

Thanks!

Charles, Steven Burkle just
asked me to go steady.

What should I tell him?

Don't tell him anything.

We'll talk about it
after dinner.
- Okay

Charles, did you finish cleaning
up the basement yet?

Uh, no sir.
I'm about to do it right now.

Hey, Uncle Joe.

It's good to be free.

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪♪