04x04 - Svengali

[bunniefuu]

To bring her out with a nice, warm welcome...Valene Ewing.

[applause]

You stop giving Karen bad advice, you understand?

What are you talking about?

Every time I've gotten her to stop

thinking that she's gonna go

hunting for her husband's K*llers

she comes up with something else, and she's

getting herself deeper into a situation

that she's gonna get hurt by.

- Let it rest, Karen. - I can't.

People are gonna get hurt.

People are already hurt. One's dead.

[Mike on TV] 'What does your husband think of your success?'

[music ends]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music ends]

[soft music]

[smacks lips]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[music fades]

Good morning, mama.

- Am I crazy or what? - What?

It is the day after tomorrow you're gonna be

on that TV show, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be. Why?

[Lilimae] 'Because all it says here for this Friday'

'is "Mike's Guests include'

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Billy Curtis, and Scott Redwood."

Whoever that is it. It don't mention you at all.

Well, they only list the glittery people.

I mean, nobody cares about who writers are anyway.

Oh, they're gonna know who you are, honey.

Isn't this a dream? Isn't this just a dream?

Yeah, it's a dream you've been waiting for, mama.

We've been waiting for.

Oh, to think live TV.

Mmm! My little girl's gonna be on live TV.

Mm.

If a heavenly angel came down when I was a child to tell me

that a daughter of mine was gonna be

on the "Mike Douglas Show," I would have told

her she was crazy.

Well, nobody better expect too much.

I'm just gonna get on

I'm gonna answer a few questions

and then I'm gonna zip off.

I'm no Zsa Zsa Gabor after all.

Oh. In time, sweet pea. You never know.

Until I am, I still have to

take things to the dry cleaners.

[door opens]

- Bye, mom. - Bye-bye.

[door closes]

Oh, a sight to warm a mother's heart.

Start with the bedroom.

Well, don't get excited, it's not what you think.

Can't blame me for hoping.

Well?

What is it then?

Abby wants to borrow it, she lent hers out.

Forget it. Put it away.

And you, the mowers in the garage

has been missing you for a week.

But, mom, I told her I'd bring it over.

Well, when you're rich enough to buy

your own, you can lend her that one.

You're not really gonna be this petty, are you?

Yes.

Look, Diana.

[smacks lips]

I resent the fact that you're not in the least bit

bothered at what Abby did.

I mean, Val happens to be a very good friend of mine.

Well, she's a friend of mine, too

but that doesn't mean I have to take

a stand for one and against the other.

I'm not taking any stand, I just don't like Abby.

- Well, I do. - Well, fine.

Mom, don't you see, Val and Gary's marriage

was already in trouble.

It would have gone down the drain anyway.

So don't blame Abby. I mean, if it wasn't her

it would have been somebody else.

This isn't the 18th century, you know.

Well, then I guess I must be from the 18th century

because I believe when a marriage is in trouble

you just work harder. You don't give up.

Well, then how come you're not mad at Gary?

I don't have to be. I fired him.

[pensive music]

[car door shuts]

- Yeah, I got it. - Thanks.

[dramatic music]

[music ends]

[quirky music]

No. Absolutely not.

It'd be a waste of time, money and the girls vocal cords.

Andy, Ciji is so damn good.

Why don't you just let her do this one demo?

All she needs is a small combo

and I can arrange that myself.

Kenny boy, read my lips, no way.

I don't care if the girl's a combination of Janis Joplin

'Linda Ronstadt, and Juice Newton thrown in.'

'The answer's still no.'

Remember, I'm the boss now.

How could I forget?

You are making a big mistake, Andy.

Won't be the first.

Sandy, uh, send Jimmy back in now, will you?

[receiver clanks]

This girl is too good to let slip through our fingers.

Seems to me I've heard that song before.

This is the second section of the first page.

Here it is. Here it is.

Oh, honey, it looks sensational.

[baby crying]

I don't believe it.

Look at the phone number, 6-5-5-6

instead of 6-5-5-5. It's like a conspiracy.

Okay, okay, I'll call the newspaper

and I'll tell them to change it.

Yeah, can you also tell them

to pay for the food that's been delivered?

I mean, the one thing they didn't get wrong

was the opening day, the 23rd.

I mean, if the phone number's wrong

there's not gonna be anybody there on the opening day.

- There's not gonna be a 23rd. - 'Calm down.'

I'll call the phone company, I'll have them refer

the number to another.

No, it's alright, I-I'll do it myself.

I'll feel better about it that way.

Richard, you've got enough to do.

Why don't you let me help you with this? Don't shut me out.

Or else this whole restaurant idea was a mistake.

I'll, I'll, I'll get it.

- Hi. - Hi. We're back here.

I came for my morning baby fix.

He's real cuddly, he just had breakfast.

Hello. Ooh, ooh, ohh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, I could eat him up. I could just eat him up.

[Richard] 'Forest, man, it's like a forest.'

'Have you ever seen a forest?'

- How's the restaurant going? - Oh, it's, it's great.

Except for a few money problems.

Well, it sounds like he's loving every minute of it.

I just wish he would slow down occasionally.

I-I-I tell him forest green, he gives me Kelly.

Now I got a color blind painting.

The most expensive one in California.

Look, look, you're absolutely right.

Would you, uh, take care of the paper?

In fact, all the papers, just make sure that

uh, that they didn't make the same mistake.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Well, I can say this about your husband..

...he does not do things halfway.

He gets so worked up over every detail.

Well, it's good for him.

[Laura] 'Yeah, well, I wish he wouldn't take everything so seriously.'

He's such a perfectionist. And the bills

keep piling up, but he won't economize.

He just keeps putting himself under so much pressure.

Well, what does the shrink say? He's still going, isn't he?

Oh, yeah. Three times a week.

'She says he's making progress.'

Well, he looks happier than I've ever seen him.

He'll be fine.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Now just one more squeeze and I'm out of here.

[laughs] Oh, he's wet.

Really?

[soft music]

[car door shuts]

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

- Mrs. Ewing? - She's not in. Can I help you?

I have to get some proofs initialed

you know, for our ad campaigns.

[gasps] Oh, are you

from the publicity agent?

Well, Valene told me to expect something.

The best writer agency, yes, ma'am.

Oh, well, come on in.

[Lilimae chuckles]

[door closes]

Excuse me, ma'am, I don't mean to be nosy

but is this Mrs. Ewing related to the Ewings, the Texas Ewing?

The bane of our life, young man.

Call me Chip. That's my name, Chip Roberts.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Val's mama, Lilimae Clements.

Now, what'd you bring?

- Some pretty pictures. - Oh.

Ooh...look at that.

[Lilimae gasps] My.

[tense music]

[female announcer] 'Resale, line two.'

[knocking on door]

Oh, Wayne.

I apologize for bothering, Mr. Fairgate

but I need your signature on this purchase order.

Of course.

Where do I sign?

Right at the "X" at the bottom.

- Anywhere else? - No, ma'am. That's it for now.

[female announcer] 'Service management showroom, please.'

'Service management showroom, please.'

[Karen] 'Oh, Wayne, I almost forgot..'

I, um, came across this check yesterday.

It's made out to a company I...I don't have any record of.

'West Century Auto Supply.'

Let me have a look.

[music continues]

Where'd you say this came from?

Fell out of Abby Cunningham's old account book.

Check is signed by her.

'Have you ever heard of West Century Auto?'

No. Can't say that I have.

Well, I guess it'll, uh...show up in the files.

[dramatic music]

[sighs] Well, you're right, Chip

not one of them does Valene justice.

My daughter is a very pretty girl, you know.

In real life, if she's anything

like her mother, I certainly do know.

[giggles] Oh.

Oh, well, look who's here.

The pretty girl in question.

Valene...uh, this is Chip Roberts.

He's from that, uh, best agency, your publicity firm.

- Oh, yeah. Hello. - How do you do?

What's all this stuff?

We wanted you to approve a few of these shots

for the publicity package.

Oh, isn't this exciting, honey?

Look, I-I-I never should have agreed to have

a publicity agent.

It's, it's all this kind of fuss

makes me wish I'd never written the book.

We didn't hear that, did we, Chip?

- And what a book it is. - Mm.

- You read it? - Are you kidding?

The very second we got you as a client

Bess rushed the galley sheets over to my house.

'I was up till 4:00 in the morning reading.'

'It was obvious from the first page'

'it was written by someone with a great'

'depth of feeling for her characters.'

[gasps]

[chuckles] Thank you.

Everybody who reads it will thank you.

Problem is to get them to read it.

That's our department.

Oh.

[Chip] 'You owe it to yourself to publicize'

'that book any way you can.'

[chuckles]

You also owe it to the American public.

It'll help them understand themselves.

Tell you what...Mike Douglas is a friend of mine.

Oh, my lord.

[Lilimae shrieks] What's he really like?

I'll give him a call as soon as I get back to the office.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, uh, yes, Miss Riker.

'Yes, I did get the proofs.'

Good.

I was wondering if the young man

who delivered them was still there.

Chip? Yeah, he's right here. I'll--

- Let me talk to her. Thanks. - Sure.

Hello, Bess, good of you to call.

Chip.

What are you pulling?

I told you to drop off those pictures and get back.

Now, if you're not back in 15 minutes

I am going to dock you a day's pay.

[laughs] Right, Bess.

I'll take care of it as soon as I'm finished with Valene.

Don't press your luck with me, Chip.

[receiver clanks]

[Chip] Aha! Of course. Absolutely.

I'm glad you approve.

Valene is gonna require very special handling.

'Oh, she and I seem to be in total'

'agreement on the kind of image she wants to project.'

Now, I'm gonna insist

on nothing gaudy or distasteful.

'Now, after all, we're dealing'

'with a woman of great intelligence'

'and, and sensitivity.'

[dramatic music]

Yes.

Yes, I agree, this one is gonna be a winner for us all.

How's the weather in there?

It's boiling with no signs of a cooler.

That's what you think.

Thank you.

[door opens]

Don't talk. Just listen.

I hired you two months ago against my better judgment.

Your title then was messenger. Your title today is messenger.

'Now, I have ignored complaints against you until now.'

But if you ever again try to con

one of my clients into thinking you're any more in this office

I'll fire you right on the spot.

Is that clear?

She was ready to dump you, you know.

That's all. You can go now.

She doesn't want a PR firm.

I convinced her she had to have one.

Yours in particular.

I said you can go.

If you don't believe me, call her old lady.

She'll tell you how much persuading I had to do.

Alright, call me back.

Oh, and there's something else.

Valene Ewing is working on a new book.

- So? - That's why I was late.

She asked me to read a couple of chapters.

That lady is going to be as big as Jackie Susann.

'Or maybe even Judith Krantz.'

[laughs] Are you serious?

She's a fabulous writer.

'And I really gave her some great suggestions.'

Such as?

Well, first off, I told her you were the best, so us.

No, no, no, I mean it.

And then I guaranteed her special treatment from you.

'And with the Douglas show coming up'

'she's gonna need lots of attention.'

Which you're going to give her, right?

[dramatic music]

You're so damn sure of yourself, aren't you?

Alright, Bengali.

Let's see what you can do.

Groom her.

Do what you think she wants. Get her to that show.

You're really gonna give me the chance?

Just don't let me down because

I'm going to be watching you every step of the way.

Bess, you won't be sorry.

I wonder.

You're really quite the up and coming young man, aren't you?

[music continues]

Who would know better.

[door closes]

[sighs] I can't.

[soft music]

Michael, will you answer the door, please

honey, and tell whoever it is I'm not home.

Mother's real busy.

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

Hey, Mike. How you know, big guy?

Uh, my mom's not here.

[Mack] 'Are you kidding? I saw her car in the driveway.'

- 'What, is she next door?' - No. She's upstair--

Uh, she's not here.

Oh, she's not, huh? Oh, okay.

I'll tell you, when she gets back

you tell her that I stopped by Knots Landing Motors today

'and ran into someone I didn't expect to see.'

[Michael] 'Oh, yeah? Who's that?'

[Mack] 'Wayne Harkness, who's still working there.'

Well, I'll tell her when she comes down.

Oh, mom, I don't know how to lie.

Yeah, right. You're setting a bad example down here.

Fight your own battles.

Michael, you tell Mr. MacKenzie to mind his own business.

'I know what I'm doing, and I'm doing'

it my way because I've gotten absolutely no help from him.

Why are you being so obstinate?

I told you, Wayne Harkness is a dangerous man to fool with.

You mean Wayne from the body shop?

- Yeah. - Well, he fixed my bike.

I don't wanna discuss it any further!

It has to be discussed further.

Mom, why don't you like Wayne anymore?

I refuse to say another word.

We'll have to discuss this another time.

Suit yourself. How about dinner tomorrow night?

[Karen] 'No!'

- What time? - '7:00.'

Alright, take it easy, Mike.

[door closes]

Love is so stupid.

[soft music]

Hi, Valene, can I come in?

Sure.

I've been shopping for you.

You've been shopping for me?

I want you to try on some outfits for the show.

- Be right back. Hi, Lilimae. - Hi!

Oh, my, my, all these pretty boxes for us.

[car door opens]

[dramatic music]

[car door shuts]

Oh, Lord, look at the prices.

But it looks very attractive on you, Lilimae.

Oh, I like something a little more sassy.

- 'You ready?' - Mm-mm.

Ta-dum!

[gasps]

- I like it. - Yeah?

- Mama? - Mm-mm.

That's a successful author.

Well, do you like it better than the suit?

Oh, yeah. That made you look like a college professor.

Oh, yeah.

[giggles] Well, it is kind of pretty.

- Very feminine. - Yeah.

- Classy. Sexy. - Oh.

Oh.

Oh, not that expensive, either.

I fixed it with your publishers to have whatever

'you buy taken out of your first royalty check.'

You mean I gotta pay for this?

$600?

[Lilimae] 'And that's just for the dress.'

Add another few hundred for accessories, handbag

jewelry and $200 for what they're calling shoes nowadays.

- Valene. - 'What?'

The deal was that you were going to trust me and let me

make all the decisions for these next few days.

Okay, fine. But I didn't know that it was

gonna cost me like $1 million.

It's not $1 million.

It's $1,000.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Valene. - What?

Just listen.

Remember this, ten million people

are going to be watching you.

Oh, and you know who one of those

ten million is gonna be, don't you, sweet pea?

Who's that?

[Lilimae] 'Oh, just someone Valene once knew.'

[instrumental music]

[chuckles] Oh, would I like to be a fly

on the wall when they watch tomorrow.

[Gary] 'What about it?'

I was wondering what Abby's check was doing in our

account books made out to West Century Auto Parts.

Well, I don't know. You'll have to ask Abby.

I thought perhaps you'd reach that point

in your relationship where you confided in one another.

- Let it rest, Karen. - I can't.

People are gonna get hurt.

[Karen] 'People are already hurt. One's dead.'

Well..

[door closes]

To what do we owe this honor?

To this.

I signed a lot of checks, Karen.

Made out to West Century Auto Parts

from your petty cash.

Ugh, I really can't remember a check

'that I signed over a year ago.'

West Century Auto Parts

was Roy Lantz and

Frank Kulbert's front, wasn't it?

Yeah, we did business with them, you know that, Karen.

Wait a minute.

Are you accusing me of something?

I don't know.

[scoffs] You don't know?

You find one little scrap of paper

and you're ready to convict me.

'Well, let me tell you something, Karen.'

Something you should know.

Every single canceled check in that account Sid knew about.

'He checked the ones that didn't tally'

'and he approved the ones that did.'

I don't suppose you bothered to look on the back of that check.

[dramatic music]

Uh-huh.

Sid's initials.

So whatever you're accusing me of..

...you're accusing Sid of too.

'So keep on snooping, Karen.'

You might just be surprised to find

some more things you didn't know about.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[music fades away]

We play "F" minor, "E" minor, "D" minor, seven.

You know, we'll get it there.

- Sounds good. - Oh, Kenny. Long time no see.

- 'How you doing?' - What's happening? Kenny?

Hey, it's double scale Kenny.

[all laugh]

- How you doing? - 'Say, Kenny.'

I heard you guys were working here today

'I came by to ask a little favor.'

[strums guitar]

That's what I like about you, Kenny.

You know, you're always beating around the bush.

Uh-huh.

Well, this time it's something a little special.

See, I found this dynamite singer named Ciji Dunne

and she's got a voice that you've gotta hear to believe--

Voice, I'm sure.

Mm-mm. So what's the punch line?

Well, problem is, she doesn't have anything on tape.

And I was hoping maybe you guys

'would stick around after this gig'

'and I'd bring her in, and we'd put'

'a little something together.'

Goodbye, Kenny. Nice try, okay?

Look, once and for all, our Boy Scout days are over.

Hey.

Hey, this is me, remember?

You're not gonna remind me of the time

you helped get my kid brother.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

And you guys, I don't have to remind

you what you owe me, do I?

You're doing it now, right, Kenny?

Guys, I think he's calling in his markers.

What can we say?



- Alright. - Yeah, that's alright with me.

Alright.

- Only 'cause we love you. - Main man.

[piano playing]

[door opens]

[female announcer] 'Service line 3.'

[door closes]

'Service line three.'

[dramatic music]

'Sales man, line two, please.'

[sighs]

[dialing]

[sighs]

Yes. Uh, hello.

Um, I'd like to leave a message for Mr. McKenzie, please.

No, no, I-I don't wanna talk to him.

Just tell him that Karen Fairgate

has to cancel dinner tonight.

Fairgate. Thank you.

Okay, Mr. Avery, that ought to do it.

Thank you.

[male #1] 'Dave, why don't you fix another gallon?'

$4,872?

- On the nose. - For what?

For what you ordered.





A modest selection of basic wine.

I can get you the same wines in 62 or 63.

[Richard] '63? What do you think? I'm running a hash house here.'

[Roberts] 'You want quality, Mr. Avery, you have to pay for it.'

[Richard] 'I guess you do.'

Now, if you want the off year--

No, no, no, that's, that's fine, Mr. Roberts.

- $5,000.. - This is what I want.

...isn't really very much for what you ordered.

No, I guess it's not.

I thought you understood when we spoke--

No, no. That's fine, thank you.

[Roberts] 'Well, good luck here, Mr. Avery.'

[Richard] 'Thank you. I'm gonna to need it.'

- 'Bye-bye.' - 'Bye-bye.'

Am I catching you at a bad time?

Oh, uh. Hey, Miguel, turn that off, will you? Finish it later.

Well, hi.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

This really is.. It's incredible.

Just...looks great.

Which is more than I can say for you.

What's the matter?

Does it show?

Here. Sit down.

Share a cup of coffee, it's the only one I got.

[Karen laughs]

It really..

- ...really looks good. - It's pretty, huh?

Uh-huh.

I hope your food's better than your coffee.

Oh, Richard, I'm in such a terrible bind.

O-on the one hand, I-I think I've

I've come up with some new evidence

that might help reopen the investigation

'into Sid's death. Wait a minute.'

On the other hand, I'm just..

Well, I'm just under a lot of pressure

to-to back off, to forget what I've

'put together and just get on with my life.'

'Yeah?'

I don't know if I could drop it.

You refuse to give up, don't you?

Well, I'm thinking maybe this time I should.

If I told you to drop it, would you drop it?

'Well, then, are you asking my permission?'

No.

Because if it were me, I'd drop it.

I mean, I'm a big coward, and I wouldn't go near these guys.

But you're not me. You're you.

'And you're gonna do what you feel'

'is right no matter what anybody says.'

Am I that pigheaded?

- 'Yes.' - Oh.

But in you, it's attractive.

Okay.

End of the crying on the shoulder bit.

Karen rises, resolute as ever, ready to take on the world.

Well, you're lucky you caught me

on a day when my brilliance is showing.

Anything else I can do for you?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

Oh, look, the advice was free.

Richard, ever since you told me about this restaurant

I've been waiting for you to ask me to become an investor.

But I-I'm just getting a little tired of you playing coy.

So, here's my investment.

It's an offer you can't refuse.

$15,000.

Hey. No discussion. Remember, I'm pigheaded.

[soft music]

Just don't take it to the bank until Monday.

- Thanks. - Okay.

No, no, no. I mean, thanks, thanks.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Remember, I don't like waiting in reservation lines.

No waiting.

Spend it on the coffee.

[rock music]

♪ Where are you running my love? ♪

♪ Through the backstreets of the city ♪

♪ Keeping an eye on the horizon ♪

♪ Looking over your shoulder ♪

♪ Must be some demon driving you ♪

♪ Almost look like a brown one ♪

♪ Running up to you thinking we still could survive ♪

♪ But nobody I've ever loved baby ♪

♪ Ever hurt me like you did ♪

♪ And I can feel it ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

[music continues]

♪ You know that ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ But I won't beg ♪

♪ No baby I won't beg ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ You're nothin' but a taker ♪

♪ A real heartbreaker ♪

♪ Who ever hurt your soul oh no baby ♪

♪ She must've been a master you're learning fast ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ You know that ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ But I won't beg ♪

♪ No baby I won't beg ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

[music continues]

♪ Nobody I've ever loved baby ♪

♪ Can hurt me like you did ♪

♪ And I could feel it ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ You know that ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ But I won't beg ♪

♪ No baby I won't beg ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪

♪ I got a hole in my heart ♪♪

Wow, alright!

[chuckles]

Hey, that's real nice, Ciji, sounds like a winner.

Let's wrap it up, okay?

Kenny, can we do it just once more?

I know we can make those breaks a lot cleaner.

Well, hey, it's getting past these guy's dinnertime.

I think we ought to let them go.

- It's cool. - Hey, I had a couple.

- Yeah, Kenny. - Might as well.

Let's get it right.

[laughs]

Alright, you twisted my arm. Let's do it again.

- Thanks. - Alright.

- Let's go. - Okay.

[drumsticks clacking]

Oh, this is the actual stage, alright.

And these are the chairs.

I know that upholstery anywhere.

This is where he sits.

- He-he. - I don't believe you did this.

I told you, Mike's an old friend of mine.

[sighs] I'm nervous already

just walking in here.

If you're nervous now, Valene, what will you be like tomorrow?

You'll be chewing those well-groomed toenails.

Mama, cut it out.

Just remember, I'll be right here, Valene.

Right by your side.

What do you mean by my side?

In the wings, but you'll be able to see me.

And when you answer the questions, just act

like you're talking to me. Forget the TV cameras.

This isn't a real window. I'm crushed.

Now, let's all sit down and pretend.

- Mama. - Oh, who shall I be?

Anybody you want, Lilimae.

Uh, Loretta Lynn? No. Dolly Parton.

[gasps] Am I crazy?

Might as well go all the way.

Hi, folks, I'm Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh.

Now...the first question Mike will probably ask you..

- Valene. - What?

The first question Michael probably'll ask you

is why you started to write the book.

Well, I started to write because, uh

I thought I had talent.

[Lilimae] 'You started to write because things were'

going bad with Gary, and you needed to bring

something new to your life.

Things were going just fine, mama.

I'm not siding with him now.

I hate the ground he walks on.

But if you hadn't started to write

'you might have noticed that things'

'were going from bad to worse.'

Can we get on to the next question, please?

[Lilimae] 'I'd have spotted something if he was my husband.'

Well, then why didn't you?

You were certainly around the house.

He's not my husband, that's why.

[Mike over speakers] 'Hello? Is somebody out there?'

Oh, my Lord, it's Mike himself.

Oh, introduce us.

W-we have to go now.

I'm not leaving till I'm introduced.

You'll meet him, just not right now.

I don't believe what you just said, mama.

Let's go. Let's just go.

Don't worry, Mike, she'll be better tomorrow.

Lilimae.

[Lilimae laughs]

[car honking]

[female announcer] 'Service department. Pick up line two.'

Hey, you guys shouldn't be here.

[Roy] 'We just stopped by to say hello, Wayne.'

What do you want?

Come on, you gotta get out of here.

We just want to see how you react to surprises.

Now we know. What do you think, Frank?

Not bad. Just shaky for a second

but then he recovered nice.

I like the way he opened the hood.

That's what you call quick thinking.

- Listen. - No.

You listen, Wayne.

Potts will be in next week. Everything's all set.

What about Angelo?

Angelo knew we were planning to cross him.

He wouldn't wait to let us know.

He'd be dead already.

Marshall's too nervous.

We're calming him down.

What about the lady?

- She's still in. No problem. - She thinks it's legit?

Far as I know.

[Roy] 'Well, then nothing can go wrong, right?'

All systems go.

Let's just not get too lazy.

- 'Eyes and ears open.' - Right.

[dramatic music]

[car engine starts]

[soft music]

- 'Richard.' - Who's that?

- 'Mack.' - Here. Come back here!

Let me tell you once.

You stop giving Karen bad advice, you understand?

What are you talking about?

Every time I've gotten her to stop

thinking that she's gonna go

hunting for her husband's k*ller

she comes up with something else.

And she's getting herself deeper into a situation

that she's gonna get hurt by.

Yeah, well, what does that have to do with me?

She comes to you for advice, right?

Like she was here again today.

Yeah. So what?

Who's to say I'm giving her advice?

So what was she doing here today, Richard?

She, uh, she came to lend me money for the restaurant.

[laughs]

What, do I look stupid?

Exhibit A.

Oh, isn't that just like her?

Yeah.

[dramatic music]

What do you got there, one of those gravies?

[telephone ringing]

[clicking]

- Karen. - Uh-huh?

Richard Avery on 56.

Oh. Thank you.

Yeah. Hi. What's up?

Tonight?

Well, I was just planning on watching Val.

Alright. Well, maybe I could get

there and get home before she comes on.

Okay. Bye.

[receiver clanks]

The trouble with you, Valene, is you take

things too seriously. You've got to lighten up.

I mean, where is it written that a mother

can't make one mistake in her lifetime?

Where is Chip?

Oh, he'll be along.

Last night, I just got carried away

with the excitement of being up there on the stage

pretending I was Candice Bergen--

- Elizabeth Taylor, mama. - Well, whoever.

Now, all I know is, this is the most

exciting day of my life.

And if you were mad at me..

...I just couldn't stand it.

I'm not mad at you, mama.

Good.

Let's go in.

[Lilimae laughs]

Mama, what are you doing? Stop it!

[door opens]

[door closes]

[car engine starts]

[suspenseful music]

[car door shuts]

[car engine starts]

[male announcer] 'Live from Hollywood'

'it's Mike Douglas and the people now..'

Look, it's Zsa Zsa in all her glorious flesh tones.

Hello, fancy meeting you here. How are you?

- Zsa Zsa, how are you? - Nice to see you.

- Have a grape. - Thank you.

Oh, it really is you, isn't it?

Do I know you?

Oh, not yet. I'm such a fan of your movies.

Oh, thank you so much. Which one do you like?

[Lilimae] 'All of them.'

[Zsa Zsa and Lilimae laugh]

I'm Lilimae Clements, and this is my daughter, Valene.

Zsa Zsa. Zsa Zsa, Valene Ewing.

Hello, Valene Ewing.

You are the Ewing who wrote that very wicked book?

'I love it.'

Oh, thank you.

I should be jealous of you. Everyone's talking about you.

Shh, quiet down, you two. Mike's doing his intros.

[Mike on TV] 'Of course, I mean, the very beautiful'

'and delightful Zsa Zsa Gabor.'

[Lilimae cheers]

[all applauding]

And, oh, yes, we also have the author of an upcoming book

with a provocative title, "Capricorn Crude."

Miss Valene Ewing.

[audience applauding]

And if that name "Ewing" sounds familiar

well, it's who you think it is.

[suspenseful music]

[laughter]

[romantic jazz music]

[Gary] 'Wait a minute, what are you doing?'

I wanna watch that show that Valene's at.

- Well, I don't. - Hey, aren't you curious?

You are?

[Mike on TV] '...filming the "Wizard of Oz"'

'the mayor of Munchkins, actor Billy Curtis.'

[applause]

'Also, we'll hear from a tourist..'

Valene, you can't leave just like that.

You'll throw the whole show off balance.

No. I'm gonna make a fool of myself, I just know it.

- You're going to be fine-- - Mrs. Ewing.

Mrs. Ewing, uh, Mike would like you on first.

Could you follow me, please?

[jazz music]

Uh..

Are you alright, Mrs. Ewing?

You want me to go in your place?

I could even tell him I'm you. Huh?

Can I get you a glass of water, Mrs. Ewing?

She'll be fine. We'll be there in a minute.

- Oh, Chip. - Where have you been?

I got hung up. How are you?

I'm terrible. I-I-I'm trembling all over.

You look terrific.

People are gonna love you, so just relax and let them.

- Come on. - I-I don't think I can do it.

- It's okay. - You can do it.

So I jumped up and I said, "I object."

Are you kidding?

- No. - It was sustained, huh?

Overruled.

Well, that explains why you are where you are today.

Mm-mm, you may laugh, but that

became the grounds for the appeal.

- 'Richard!' - Yeah.

- 'Where are you?' - Oh, I'm in here.

In here.

Oh. Oh, he's on already. What did you want?

- What's all this? - What are you doing here?

[indistinct TV chatter]

Eat first, talk later.

[Mike on TV] 'She's promised to demonstrate'

'a few of the exercises that have contributed to her..'

- Hi. - Hi.

[audience clapping]

[Mike] '"Capricorn Crude," the title'

'of a new book from Kismet'

'which has a lot of people buzzing even before it's out.'

My guest is the author of that book

'and I want you to bring her'

'out with a nice, warm welcome, Valene Ewing.'

[audience clapping]

[soft music]

- Hi. How are you? - Good, thank you.

- Please have a seat. - Okay.

[Mike] 'Well, you're about the'

'prettiest author I've ever had..'

That's my daughter.

Congratulations.

- I'm in show business, too. - Tell me about it.

...too nervous 'cause I-I've never done

anything like this before.

Well, that's good.

Now, maybe you can give us

some fresh insights on what makes a writer write.

'By that, I mean, here you are with a bestseller'

and people all over this country are wondering

how a housewife like yourself

just sits down and creates a book.

[laughs] I don't know.

All I try to do is just sort of spell the words right.

[laughter]

[Mike on TV] 'And, of course, the name Ewing'

is related to the Ewings, right, from Texas?

- Oh, yeah. - 'Ah.'

Uh, right. Uh, we are from Texas.

'I mean, my husband'

uh, he's originally from Texas, but we moved

out here a couple of years ago, and this is

'where he's living right now.'

Stand up and take a bow, Gary, you're famous.

[scoffs]

- Do you miss Texas? - Oh, no, no.

I do not.

And I don't think that he does either.

She looks pretty.

She does.

[Mike] 'Now, some people are saying'

that the whole book's a Roman à clef.

Roman à clef?

Yes.

- Romano what? - Clay.

Oh.

Well, I don't know, because I didn't write

the book in French.

Give 'em hell, honey.

[applause]

Touche.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of that in the book. Yeah.

You're a sly one, Miss Ewing.

Uh, I'm starting to get nervous now.

[laughter]

Now, I meant that your, your, your book seems

to be a-a thinly disguised story

of the real life Ewing family.

Oh, well, nothing that the Ewings do

is ever very thinly disguised.

'But my book isn't really a-about the Ewing family.'

What does your husband think of your success?

[Val] 'Well, at the moment..'

'...I'm not really sure.'

'But while I was writing the book, he was very encouraging.'

And I encouraged her too.

And my mother was too. She was very supportive.

Mention my name. Mention my name.

You may have heard of her, Lilimae Clements.

Oh, yes. I saw her on the way in.

Yeah, right. She's in the green room

right now, watching.

[squealing]

Now really, really be honest.

Uh, wasn't there a little bit

of real life creeping into your plot?

Well, there's a little bit of my real life

because there's a little bit of me

in each and every one of my characters

'cause I-I-I worked and I thought

and I, I created them from nothing

'you know, and I do mean nothing.'

And I tried to make them very, very real, you know, from me.

And I, I hope that the book stands

for itself and not as a piece of gossip.

[audience clapping]

[sighs]

I-I also wanna say that I would

never deliberately write a book that would

'bring about any kind of bad trouble for anybody'

'because...I don't know, I just feel that there's'

'enough trouble in this world anyway.'

Ah, hear-hear.

[applause]

I suppose if my book is about one thing..

'...I think it's about'

'what makes people tick.'

'Now, I don't know if I accomplished that'

'but that's what I tried to do.'

'And if I, if I came close'

'you know, just close enough for one person'

'to say, uh..'

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey.

You know, then I've accomplished

what I set out to do.

'You know, you asked me when I came out here'

'why I started to write, and I..'

And I think that I just figured that out.

'Right here, right now.'

[audience clapping]

I wanna thank you, Miss Ewing

'for your candor and your openness.'

'And I hope your book, "Capricorn Crude"'

'is a smashing bestseller and brings you'

'tremendous success in every way.'

Thank you.

[all applauding]

[Lilimae squealing]

I taught her everything she knows.

[audience whistling and applauding]

Oh.

- She was great. - Oh, she was wonderful.

- She looked so pretty. - To Val.

To Val!

[glasses clinking]

- Whoo! - And touche.

[laughs]

Darling, you were just great. Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Goodnight.

Nice to have met you. Goodnight, everybody.

Goodbye.

Isn't she adorable?

Beautiful. She really is.

I just finished talking to Bess.

She said that it was one of the best interviews.

Oh, you made me so proud tonight.

And Mike wants you back.

Oh, we're gonna be a star.

I heard him say, I heard him say

that you were the most refreshing

and honest guest he's had in years.

Oh.

Alright.

A word to the wise.

Opening night is less than a week away

and reservations are going fast.

So if I was you, I'd get my name down

as quickly as possible.

Alright, put it down.

You haven't even asked me yet.

Alright. Karen, I'm asking, would you like to come?

- I'll have to think about it. - You have to come.

I'm making capon with fresh raspberries and pignoli nuts.

- Oh, I love pignoli nuts. - You do?

- She does. - Pick me up at the usual time.

- Great. - Oh.

When you come to the reservation desk

slip a $20 in my hand, make it discreet

and I'll make sure you get a great table.

Nice guy. Friend of yours?

Uh, can I drop you off?

I have my own car.

You drop me off?

Your car's out there, I saw it when I drove.

Okay. Okay. So I knew you were here.

I just didn't wanna miss Val on the show.

Hey, look, come by the apartment.

- I wanna show you something. - Uh-uh.

- 'Come on, Karen.' - 'Mack!'

[cheering]

- You're a star. - No.

This was the most exciting afternoon of my life.

Afternoon?

Well, there was a night that I can't talk about.

Mrs. Ewing.

May I have your autograph, please?

[pleasant music]

[chuckles]

Um, yes, of course. Uh, I don't have a pen, do you?

Oh, I've got a pen.

I wanna be a writer someday.

What you said up there tonight really inspired me.

Thank you.

- Who do I make this out to? - To Eve.

[camera clicks]

Are you famous too?

Not yet, but give me time.

Thank you.

We've gotta go.

Let's get to the restaurant.

Bye.

[theme music]