04x15 - Charles Splits: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

- [Charles]
Here are a few scenes
from the last episode

of "Charles in Charge..."

- Buddy, Jocelyn does
not push me around.

The only reason I let her
smooth my rough edges is
because it makes her happy.

And when I make her happy,
she makes me happy.

- In other words, you wimped out
because of a woman.

It's not healthy, Charles.

- Sarah, I'm under a lot
of pressure here.

Everybody wants me
to be somebody else,

I'm losing track
of who I was

before I started trying
to be who I wasn't.

Now excuse me,
I have to change.

[loud bang]
Oww!

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
- Charles?
Charles?

Charles!

[tough New York accent]
What are you doin' down here?

This is a man's bedroom,
ain't you got no class?

But I gotta get outta here.
I gotta go buy
some real clothes,

I gotta hot date tonight.

I can't go walkin' around,
lookin' like

some freakin' fruitcake
Count of Monte Cristo ,

hey, you know what
I'm talkin' about?

Hey, you tell Jocelyn
to cop a walk, okay?

You tell her
I found somebody

who knows how
to treat me like a man.

And my name ain't Charles.

It's Chaz, all right?

- What's with Charles?

- I don't know.
When he said he was going
into the laundry room to change,

I thought he was talking
about his shirt.

- By the power vested in me
in the state of, uh...

- New Jersey.
- New Jersey, thank you.

- Another mamaluke .

- [coughing]
Just...

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

- [Chaz]
And now the conclusion
to this episode

of Charles in Charge.

- How could Charles change
his entire personality
like this?

I mean, how could he marry
some total stranger

without asking our permission?

- Buddy, I don't know.

Look, what's done is done.

We must never let him know
how disappointed we are.

We have to bite the b*llet
and be brave.

- All right!
Hey Ma!

Ma, meet your new
daughter-in-law, Tiffany.

- [screams]

- What's with her?
- It must be tears of joy.

Yo, Buddy boy, say hello
to Tiffany.

- Hi Tiffany.
Any wife of Charles
is a wife of mine.

- Sweetheart, I just have one...

One little question.
- What?

- How are you gonna take care
of the wife and stay in school?

- No, Ma, Ma, Ma,
don't worry about that.

I got good news for you.

I'm quittin' college.

- [screams]

- Charles...
- Hey, look, if I've
told youse once,

I've told youse once.

My name is Chaz, all right?
I'm fed up with it.

- I'm sorry, Chaz,

if you quit college,
what are you going to do
for a living?

- Yeah, Chaz, what are you
going to do for a living?

- No, Ma, Ma, in case
of anything,

don't worry about nothing, okay?
I'll get a job!

- Yeah, and I'll be working too.

- Oh, you get those ideas
out of your head!

No wife of mine is gonna work.

I want you home,
droppin' babies.

- [screams]

- Hey, it's a good thing
she didn't come to the wedding.

Everybody woulda drowned,
ya know what I'm talkin' about?

All right, we gotta
get outta here.
We gotta go buy a water bed.

[snickering]

- Oh, cheer up, Aunt Lillian.

Look at the bright side.

You haven't lost a son.

You've gained a bimbo.

[screams]

[both screaming]

- Kids?

We're gonna have
to face the facts.

Charles is a married man now.
Sure, sure,

he sank to the depths of Hell,

and destroyed every hope
he might have

for any future happiness, but...

That's what marriage
is all about.

- Grampa, Charles had no right
to get married.

- Of course he did,
he's a grown man.

- He's gonna move out, isn't he?
- Well, now, not necessarily.

He's gotta live some place,
and this is his home.

- And what about Tiffany?
Where's she gonna live?

- Anywhere she likes.
Except here.

- Grampa, Charles will want
to be with his new wife.

- No, Sarah, "Chaz" might want
to be with her,

but "Charles" wouldn't!

Now we just have to hope that

Charles gets back
to being himself

before he moves out.

- Grampa's right.
I mean,

maybe Charles is back
to being himself right now,

I mean, maybe he's out
getting a divorce.

- Hey, check it out!

It's the Osmond family picnic.
That's cute.

All right.
Yo, Waldo, you want a brew?

- Uh, no, no.
- Oh no?

Here kid, take one of these,
it'll put lead in your pencil.

- Give me that!
- I gotta get outta here,
all right?

I gotta go downstairs and pack,
I'll be movin' outta here soon.

So if you guys wanna throw me
a "going-away" bash

or anything like that,
you better get your butts
in gear, all right?

- It's too late, Grampa.
We lost Charles forever.

[knocks on door]

- Jamie, Sarah, Adam,
Mr. Powell,

I want you to meet my fiancee,
Nurse Bennett.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Your fiancee?
- You're getting married too?

- Mr. Lembeck and I are not
officially engaged,

but we are deeply in love.

Aren't we, Mr. Lembeck?

- We certainly are,
Nurse Bennett.

I brought Nurse Bennett by
to examine Charles,

but he can't know
anything about it.

- That is quite correct.

Often in cases of this type,

the mental aberration is
brought on by physical trauma.

Has the patient ever had:
Measles, mumps,

chicken pox, or leprosy?

- I don't think so,
I would've noticed.

They say a leper
never changes his spots.

- In that case, I would like
to see the patient in person,
Mr. Lembeck.

- Anything you say,
Nurse Bennett.
Right this way.

- I know she seems totally
uninhibited and wild
at the moment,

but believe you me, when she
gets a thermometer in her hands,

she's all business.

- Chaz?
- Yo, Curly-Q, what's up?

- You remember my fiancee,
Nurse Bennett?

- Yeah, how you doin', babe?

- Charles, what's all this?

- I'm movin' outta here,
I'm movin' in with Tiffany.

- When?
- As soon as those bikers
move outta her apartment.

- Excuse me.

You seem to be experiencing
some tension.

Why don't you sit down
and relax?

- Yeah.
Hey.

Oh, you got good hands,
you know that?

- Tiffany lives with bikers?

- Yeah, yeah, she lives
with five of them, but, uh...

They share a pad together.
Don't get no ideas, okay?

Tiffany sleeps in the bedroom,
and the bikers sleep
on the couch.

Oh, what are you doing?

- Just testing my
flashlight batteries.

- I can't believe you married
a woman who lives with bikers.

- Well, yeah, so she's
mechanically inclined.

Man, the way I look at it,
I got lucky.

I mean, I found me a broad
who can cook, clean,

do laundry, and gimme
a valve job all
at the same time.

- You have been truly blessed.

- You too, Buddy boy,
know what I'm talkin' about?

This chick right here is wild.

I mean, she's wild.
I like her a lot.

She's heavily into
eyeballs and wrists.

All right, I gotta get
outta here.
I gotta go

pick Tiffany up at school.

- Wait a minute, Tiffany
goes to school?

Yeah, yeah, she goes
to beautician school.

What'd you think she was,
some kind of mamaluke , eh?

I gotta get outta here,
you guys make yourselves
to home, all right?

I'll talk to youse later.

- He's definitely gone
off the deep end.

- Quiet please,
Mr. Lembeck darling.

I'm writing my report.

- Wait a minute!
Stop everything, read this!

- It appears to be
a marriage license, mm-hmm,

signed by Tiffany Kovak
and "Chaz Lamborghini."

- Right!
Charles' name isn't

Chaz Lamborghini!

Don't you get it?

Charles didn't use
his real name.

The marriage isn't legal.

This is great!

How I do love you,
Nurse Bennett.

- Yes, Mr. Lembeck,
I believe you do.

- Walter, you said you
had good news.

- No, I said I may
have good news.
Now listen to this.

When Charles got married,
he didn't give his real name.

- Does that mean
the marriage isn't legal?

- We're not sure.

Mr. Lembeck is over at
the college law department
checking on it.

- Buddy?
Lembeck?

You sent Buddy Lembeck

to get the most important
information of my life?

Why?

- Mr. Lembeck is my fiance.

- And you couldn't have
chosen a finer boy.

My son used to be a good boy!

Why am I being punished?

- Yo, Ma, what's up?

Hey Waldo, sorry
for the intrusion,

but me an' Tiffany, we gotta
go downstairs and pack.

Ya know, we're leavin' for
our honeymoon tonight.

- [laughs]

- Oh my God.

- Where are you two
lovebirds going?

- Oh, we're planning on spending
a glorious weekend

in lovely downtown Newark.

- Really?
Area all the hotels sold out
in Devil's Island?

- [laughs]

Hey, just look at that
wacky sense of humor, huh Waldo?

I like it a lot, I like it.

Hey Nurse, do me a favor.
Keep an eye on the old guy,

I think he's starting
to unravel, all right?

Hey Tiffany, move your
hot little pepperonis.

- Oh Chaz, you're so cute.

- Hang in there, Waldo.
All right.
- [exclaims]

- Okay, okay!
I checked it out.

Charles' name is definitely
not Chaz Lamborghini.

- We know that!

What about the marriage?

- According
to the law professor,

Charles can use any name
he wants to, it doesn't matter.

Legally speaking, Charles
is a married man.

- [screams]

- Hi Lillian.
It's me, Tiffany.

Your daughter-in-law?

- I know.

- I take it you're not
too happy about me

being your son's
awfully wedded wife.

- I wouldn't say that.
- I would.

To tell you the truth,
I ain't too thrilled
about it, either.

In fact, I'm willing to call
the whole thing off right now.

- You mean, you want to get
the marriage annulled?

- You got it!

Look, I know you're his mother,
but can we face this?

Chaz is a very low-class guy.

This is what I get for marrying
beneath my station.

- Are you saying that my son
isn't good enough for you?

- Yeah.
I'm sorry,

but you know, he's got this
whole big macho thing going.

I mean, he says no wife of his
is ever gonna work.
[scoffs]

Well, I ain't lettin' no man
stand in the way of my career.

- Oh, I didn't know
you had a career.

- Sure, a big one.

Everybody tells me
I'm the best manicurist
in the entire East Coast.

Think I'm gonna let that kind
of talent go to waste?

- Of course not.

How can I help you?

- Talk Chaz into letting me go.

Tell him we ain't compatible.

I mean, I'm a young, attractive,
high-class woman,

and, uh, Chaz is a piece
of toxic waste.

No offense, Lillian.

- None taken.

- Oh, oh, what are
you doin' here?
Get home!

- I was just gettin'
to know your Ma.
I'm leavin' now.

See you later, Lillian.
Good luck.

- [belches]

Ma, ma, is Tiffany
a great girl or what, eh?

I was just thinkin' about it.
That's the woman

I'm gonna spend the rest
of my life with.

- Not necessarily.

You know, sometimes
newlyweds discover

that they have made a mistake.

And then, when they admit
that they've made a mistake,

they get the marriage annulled.

- Oh, no, no, no way, Ma.

Forget about that,
Forget about it.
You know why?

'Cause Tiffany is my kind
of cannoli, know what I'm
talkin' about?

I'll love her 'til
the day I die.

I mean the only way
I'm leavin' this marriage

is in a pine box.
Capisce ?

[screams]

- ...If I'm to make
a proper diagnosis,

I need to know if anything
unusual occurred

to Charles immediately
prior to his becoming Chaz.

- I don't remember
anything unusual.

He just went into
the laundry room
to change shirts,

and changed personalities
instead.

- Did he say anything
before he changed?

- Yeah, he said, "Ow."

- Oh.
- First he said,

he was under a lot
of pressure,

then he went into
the laundry room,

then I heard a "clunk,"
then he said, "Ow."

- I see, the "clunk"
would explain the bump.

- The clunk would explain
the bump?

We're not doctors,
Nurse Bennett!

Give it to us in layman's terms!

- She's saying Charles
bumped his head.

- Exactly.
When I was examining Charles,

I felt a distinct bump
on his head.

- Well, what does that
got to do with anything?

I bump my head all the time
and I'm not crazy.

- If Charles was under
a great deal
of emotional stress,

a sudden trauma
to the cranial area

could have caused him
to retreat into
a schizophrenic state.

- What will bring him
back from that state?

- Oh, time, therapy,
a Greyhound bus.
[laughs]

Just joking.

The fastest way would be
another blow to the head.

- Certainly you're not
suggesting

that we hit Charles on top
of the head,

are you, Nurse Bennett,
my darling?

- I am only giving you
my professional opinion,
my love.

- But Charles is my friend.
- [both] Yeah.

- Right.
There's no way we're gonna
hit Charles

on top of the head.
We love him.

- Oh, how youse doin'?
Lemme tell you somethin'.

You guys play your cards right,

me an' Tiffany will lend you
some Polaroids of our honeymoon.

- Yeah, if he can manage
to steal a camera.

- Hey, button it,
all right, Tiffany?

You're startin'
to get me steamed.

We'll talk to youse later.
Don't take no wooden knuckles,
all right?

Hey, next time, you open
the door for me.

- I'll go get the hammer.
- No, let me get
the hammer.

- I wanna hit him.
- I'll help.

- Okay, okay,
I'm gonna be the one
distracting Charles,

so one of you is going
to have to hit him
on top of the head.

- I don't think I can
do that, Buddy.

I mean, it's Charles.
I wouldn't want to hurt him.

- You won't, Sarah.
This hammer has a rubber head.

- Maybe we should
Ask Grampa about this.

- No, you can't tell
your grand-dad that
we're planning

to hammer a human being
into the floor.

He wouldn't understand.

- Okay, Charles has always
been good to me,

so the least I can do
is crack his skull.

Here, give me the hammer.

- Hello!

What's going on?

Is there something you want
to me, that I have
to drag out of you?

- No, we were just
talking about

having a party.

- [exclaims]
Um, right!

We were just talking about
having a surprise party
for Charles.

- Oh, well, don't waste
your time.

I just had to send Adam
to the post office

because Charles didn't
have time to do it.

He's going on his
honeymoon tonight.

- [sighs]

- I feel the same way.

- Buddy, do you really think
hitting Charles on the head
will work?

- I don't know, Sarah,
but we have to try.

Now the main thing is,
is just don't hit him too hard.

You just kinda have to...

- Well, it'll work.

Don't worry, Sarah.

I mean, if Charles
gets a concussion,

we can always pin
the whole thing on Adam.

- Bub!
What's up?

- Oh, Charles, my man.

Uh, listen, we were just
talking about you.

Why don't you sit down
and I'll buy you a drink.

- All right, that's nice of ya,
thanks a lot.

Hey little one, why don't you
throw me a brew, all right?

Now, what can I do ya for,
Buddy boy?

- Uh, well, I was just thinking,

about how--how people change.

You see, it's sort of like,

the little mole
and the butterfly.

You see, moles are
ugly little creatures,

and they live in
their little mole holes

all winter long.

And then they come out.

- [inaudible arguing]

- But if they see their shadow,

they go back in,

and we have six more weeks,

without little moles.

- Ain't you talkin'
about groundhogs?

- No, Chaz.

"Ground hogs" are
called sausages.

Anyway, the point is,
is that...

Moles are such
ugly little creatures,

that they have no friends,

and--and then they turn
into beautiful butterflies.

- You ain't playin' with
a full deck, are ya?

- Buddy, um, why don't
you stand back here

and I'll tell Charles
what you mean.

- Yeah, please, somebody
tell me, 'cause I don't know
what the Hell

he's talking about, all right?

- Um...

What Buddy means is...

People...

People who know
themselves...

Are better than people
who know others.

- Oh, thanks Lembeck,
I was looking for that hammer.

- You know, I gotta tell
youse all something.

I love youse and stuff,

so don't take it personal
or anything like that,

but this is the most
boring freakin' conversation

I ever had in my life.

- All right, all right,
that's it, let's get real.

Look at the dumb name
on this marriage license.

Chaz Lamborghini?

- I happen to like my name.

- Oh.

Okay, then, uh...

Let's just forget it.

- What are ya, outta your mind?

That's my marriage certificate!
Get out of the way!

You're gonna get this thing
dirty on me.

I gotta get this framed.

[groans]

Whoa...

- Charles, are you all right?

- Uh...

Yeah.

Yeah, I was downstairs...

changing my shirt
in the laundry room

when I banged my head
on the cabinet.

What's this grease
doing in my hair?

What am I doing
wearing these clothes?

- Oh Charles!
You're back!

- What, my back is hurt too?

- No, you're yourself.

- Well, this calls for a party.

- Oh, no, I don't have time
for a party.

I have to call Jocelyn, I have
a date with her tonight.

- Charles, that was
three days ago.

A lot has happened since then.

You got new clothes,
you made new friends,

you got married.

- What?

Oh no, buddy, I can't
marry Jocelyn,

I can't marry her,
she wants to change me.

I don't want anybody
changing me.

I like me the way I am.
- So do we, Charles!

Relax, you didn't marry Jocelyn.
- Oh, good!

- Yeah, you married Tiffany.
- Who?

- Hey, I just got back
from the post office!
Look what I got!

- Adam, not now!

- Who's Tiffany?
- She's just your wife, Charles,
you wouldn't know her.

- Grampa, I took this
from the wall
of the post office.

- Well, you better put it back,
that's federal property, Adam!

- No, it's a picture of that
justice of the peace.

The one that married Charles.

- What, I married a justice
of the peace too?

"Wanted, Robert Crayman,

alias Robert Cooley,
alias Robert Coleman,

alias Albert Einstein?"

"For mail fraud, extortion,
grand larceny, and...

impersonating a justice
of the peace."

- So that means he's not
a real justice of the peace.

- Apparently not.

- Charles isn't married!
- No!

- Okay, Chaz, you and I
are gonna have a little talk.

- Oh mom...

Please, my whole life
you've been
calling me "Doodlebug."

Now you're starting
to call me Chaz?

You know I hate
that nickname.

- Welcome home, Doodlebug.

- No, no, no, Charles,

we're planning
a surprise party
for you,

and we don't want you
to know about it,
now go away!

- Okay, buster,
I'm only gonna say this once.

A nice girl like myself doesn't
belong with a low-class slob
like you.

You and me is finished.
Any questions?

- Yes.
Have we met?

- Okay.

- Hey!
Me an' Chaz is talkin'.

- Chaz?
You mean he's back?

I'm sorry but this is
for your own good!

- Are you out of your mind?
Give me the hammer!

Hey...

Buddy, you all right?
- Egads!

Unhand me, you ruffian!

I'm late for my polo match.

And quit calling me "Buddy."
It's "Budley."

Lord "Budley."
This isn't my castle.

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪