04x16 - Curing the Common Cult

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there
just to take good care ♪

♪ of me-e-e ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

Hi!
Jamie get back

from tennis camp yet?

Oh, not yet.
Your mom's

picking her up right now,
at the bus station.

They'll be home
in a minute.

Hey, guys!
Jamie's coming back.

Bet you're
pretty excited, huh?

Would you like us
to say yes,

or would you like us
to tell the truth?

[Charles]
All right, look...

Look, I know that
Jamie's a little difficult

to get along with, sometimes...
- She's been really hard
to get along with, lately.

Yeah...

It all started
about 14 years ago...

Things have been so peaceful
since she went away.

I do want Jamie
to come home,

I just wish I could
grow up, get a job,

and move out
before she gets here.

[doorbell rings]

She's here, she's here!
Oh h* h*!

There's my
little granddaughter!

Come in, sweetheart!

- Thanks, honey!
- Oh!

Lembeck!

I think
we just had a moment.

Yes, a moment I'll forget
for the rest of my life.

What's the matter
with him?

[laughs]
He thought you were Jamie.

Oh...
Well, I guess at his age,

your eyesight
is the second thing to go.

[Charles]
Jamie, you're home!

Hello, everyone.

I love you.

Jamie!

Jamie, darling!
[laughs joyfully]

Bless you, Grandfather.

I love you.

I love you, Sarah.

I love you, Adam.

I love you, Charles.

And, I love you, Buddy.

Bless you all.

She was that way
when I found her.

She and her friend,
Kimberly,

blessed me
all the way home
from the bus station.

Kimberly Ross?!

Well, that's why
Jamie's acting so weird.

Kimberly's the school flake.

I got elected
school flake, once!

Yeah, well, it was certainly
an honor you lived up to.

I don't know
what they taught Jamie

at that tennis camp,

but she's certainly
not herself.

[doorbell rings]

Maybe being away
from everybody

made Jamie realize
how much

she missed her family.

Hello.

Kimberly...

I just dropped you off.

Please tell Jamie
that Abba-Khan just called.

He's giving a joy sermon

for new members of the F.O.L.
tomorrow night.

Is that some sort
of a tennis code?

Jamie will understand.
Goodbye.

I love you all.

Wait, Kimberly.
I'll take you home...

...again.

Uh, what is an Abba-Khan?

What is the F.O.L.?

Followers of Light.
Abba-Khan is their leader.

What'd you do?
Pull that out of a comic book?

No, Charles.
Abba-Khan has been

recruiting people
for months.

- Haven't you ever
read his pamphlets?
- No.

He promises everybody
a free ticket to heaven.

- I gotta go.
- Whoa, wait, whoa, whoa!

You're saying this-
this F.O.L. thing
is like a religion?

Well, more or less.

I mean, from what I understand,
Abba-Khan teaches people

- to be gentler and kinder...
- I'm for that.

- ...and to love everyone...
- Good.

...and to drop out of school
and run away from home.

Have a nice day.

- Morning, Charles.
- Good morning, Mr. Powell.

You know, I have to tell you...

I'm kinda concerned
about Jamie.

Oh, don't be.
Jamie assured me

that his group of hers

doesn't require her
to leave home

or quit school.

It only requires that
she love her neighbor.

Yeah, well,
I'm all for that, sir,
but, you know,

I've been asking around
about this- this F.O.L. thing,

and it sounds to me
like it's a cult.

No, nonsense!

Cults only appeal
to the crazies.

Loving your neighbor
doesn't mean you're crazy.

It just means
you don't know your neighbor.

Good morning.
I love you both.

Yeah, yeah, same here.

Jamie, you've been
cleaning up your room!

When your mother gets back
from Boston,

she's gonna be
very proud of you.

Well, actually,
I'm going to sell my clothes

and give the money
to the poor.

Jamie, if you do that,

we'll have to buy you
new clothes.

Then, we'll be poor.

I think you'd better
hold onto them for a while.

Yes, Grandfather.

Anything you say.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Well, I'd better not
be late for work.

Uh, Jamie, um...

Were you, personally
gonna give that money

to the poor?

No, dear Charles.

We give the money
to Abba-Khan,

and he distributes it
to the needy.

Ah, that's what I thought.

Now, how do you know that he
isn't keeping the money?

Look, Jamie,
I hate to say this,

but it sounds to me
like this... Abba-Khan...

is more like
an Abba con man.

That's because you've been
mesmerized by Satan.

I'll have to ask Abba-Khan
to chant for you

at the F.O.L. meeting tonight.
- Look, you're missing
the point, Jamie.

I don't want you to go
to this meeting tonight.

Oh?
You've been to these meetings?

Me? Oh, no way.

Well, then you judge not
righteous judgement.

And your breath
is a foul desert wind.

♪ ♪

...and so,
my children,

the bird flies
above the sea,

and the fish swims
beneath it.

Neither is aware
of each other,

but both...
[excited noise]

...exist!

White is the absence of color,
yet...

it is the color...

...of light.

Think...

...on the meaning of this,
my children.

Doesn't mean anything!

Sure it does, Charles.

He's saying you should
order white wine

with fish and poultry.

Now, your parents
will condemn me,

but be not dismayed.

I am your true parents,

for you are love's children,

and I...
[excited noise]

...am love.

Did you hear that, Buddy?

He wants these kids
to leave their parents.

Who does?

Abba-Khan!

He just said
he was their real parents.

- Didn't you just hear him?
- No, what did he say?

He said order red wine
with beef.

Oh.

My children...

I, personally, have no need
of money,

but a great movement
such as ours

is not without...
[excited noise]

...its expenses.

If we are to reach the heights,

we must first climb
that little ladder

to that big, toll-free,
eight hundred number

in the sky!

Now... if that means

you have to sell flowers
in a mall,

or beg for coins
at the airport,

do it, my children,
but do it with joy!

Every penny you collect

is another nail
in Satan's coffin!

Now...

Are there any questions?

Um, yes...
I have a question.

[Abba-Khan]
Yes?

If you order white wine
with fish...

...a-and red wine with beef,

what do you order if
you're just having donuts?

Are you a Follower of Light?

Oh, yeah... Tastes great
and it's less filling.

...but I don't think that beer
and donuts go together.

My children, let us pray...

...for the feeble minded.

And now, the meeting is over,

but feel free
to gather about me

and absorb the light that flows
through my wondrous being.

Come, my children.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Can you believe that guy?
I...

He's a total fake!

Don't be so sure, Charles.

I mean, beer and donuts
may be a real taste treat.

Maybe, Buddy, but...

We can't take that chance.

All right, look,
I gotta get Jamie outta here.

- Go pull the car around.
- Okay.

Excuse me, hi.

Hi, how ya doin'?

Good, great.

How ya doin', Jamie?

Oh, Charles,
I'm so glad you came.

Wasn't Abba-Khan wonderful?

Wonderful?
Uh...

Actually, no.
He's a fraud.

How can you say that, Charles?

- He loves you.
- No, he doesn't.

Yes, I do.

Abba-Khan, this is Charles.
He's a friend of mine.

Right, right.
I'm gonna take her home, now.

No, Charles.
I can't go with you.

You must set me free.

Oh!
I'm sorry, Jamie.

You're free.

Be home by ten o'clock,
or else you're grounded.

Oh, Charles, do not
be frightened, my son.

All I want to do
is love you.

You try it, and I'll...

...punch out the light
that flows through
your wondrous being.

♪ ♪

I don't know what
you're upset about, Charles.

Buddy, I told you.
Jamie didn't come home
last night.

I knew I should have
waited up for her.

That's what I mean,
you shouldn't be upset,
you should be frantic!

I'd have to calm down
to get frantic.

Hello, yes,
is this Abba-Khan?

Yeah, good.
This is Charles.

Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.
Listen...

Is, uh-
Is Jamie with you?

H-have you seen her?
No?

Well, look,
if I find out she is with you,

I'm gonna nail you
for kidnapping,

contributing to
the delinquency of a minor,

and making incoherent speeches
in public.

Ya got that?
Okay.

He says he hasn't seen her.

I'm calling the cops.

Good morning.

I love you, Charles.

I love you, Buddy.

Jamie,
where were you all night?

I stayed the night
at Kimberly's.

Without telling anybody?
How could you do that?

I had to, Charles.

I love everyone
in this house,

but I can't meditate here.

There's bad karma...

...mostly coming from you.

Again, with the hand?

Look, Jamie,
you want bad karma,

you're gonna get it
from your grandfather

when he finds out you didn't
come home last night.

You can tell him, Charles,
and I will still love you.

The prophet Abba-Khan
teaches us to love our enemies.

Jamie, this guy
is not a prophet,

he's just making a profit.

Anybody can do
what he does.

You let me
make a meaningless speech

to those F.O.L. people,

and they'll think
I'm a prophet.

Now, Charles, Satan has a grip
on your tongue...

...and I will not let Satan
deceive my friends.

Okay, then let me do it.

You know if Satan has a grip
on Charles' tongue,

that means that my tongue
has the night off.

He's right.

I'll tell you what...

You let Buddy make that speech,
and if Buddy can convince them,

it'll prove
that anyone can.

Unless, you're afraid
I'm right.

Well, if I
go through with this,

- will you stop
persecuting me?
- Absolutely.

All right, Charles.

I will ask
the Followers of Light

to be here at 7:30,

and Buddy can try to fool them,
but it will not work.

[frustrated sigh]

Buddy...

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy...

Buddy, I'm counting on you
to convince those kids

that you
are the only true prophet.

It's all riding
on your quick mind

and your native intelligence.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

All right,
now remember, you guys,

don't overdo it, okay?

It'll be enough if you
just take Buddy seriously.

It'll be a miracle
if we take Buddy seriously.

This isn't a joke, Adam!
We've got to do this for Jamie.

What has Jamie
ever done for me?

You wanna spend
the rest of your life

hearing how much
she loves you?

- No.
- Okay, then.

Here we go.

All right, uh,
excuse me, everybody.

As, uh,
Jamie may have told you,

you've been invited
to hear a guest speaker...

...a holy man...

...an enlightened man...

...an enchanted man...

Say hello to...

Bud-Wan!

Ohmm.

Bud-Wan is clearing
his consciousness.

Actually, I'm clearing
my sinuses.

Concentrate, Bud-Wan.

These people are waiting
to hear your message.

Of course they are.

Followers of Light!

My message is the secret
to eternal life.

[together]
Oo-oo-ooh!

Well, what is the secret?

If I told you,
it wouldn't be a secret,

would it?

Then why are we
wasting our time here?

- Let's go
[Buddy squawks loudly]

Bud-Wan!

Bud-Wan!
Can you hear me, Bud-Wan?!

[low, raspy voice]
I am not Bud-Wan.

Bud-Wan
is my messenger.

Ooh.

Well, who are you?

I am Crouton...

...master of the universe.

Beware of false prophets!

I am the only true prophet.

[together]
Oo-oo-ooh!

Yes, but Crouton,

these people
already have a-a-a prophet,

Abba-Khan.

Abba-Khan tells you to love,

but he leaves you
without loved ones.

I will lead you
into the eternal life,

but you must follow
no other prophets.

I, alone, have the answer.

[together]
Oo-oo-ooh!

Well, what is the answer?

The answer is...

[choking sounds]

Crouton!

Crouton, can you hear me?

Oh...

I'm sorry, everybody,

Bud-Wan is exhausted.

But Crouton was about to
give us the answer!

Well, first, you must
meet his requirements.

You must give up
all other prophets.

[Sarah]: I will!
[Adam]: Same here!
[Peter]: Yeah, me too.

[crowd murmuring assent]

Wait, what are you guys saying?

Bud-Wan's not a prophet,
he's a Lembeck!

He was channeling, Jamie!

He became
a whole different person

when Crouton was speaking.

Yeah!

And, Crouton's right.

I mean, Abba-Khan is always
preaching about love,

but he tells me
my parents aren't my parents.

- What kinda love is that?
[several people]: Yeah!

Gather around me,
my children,

and witness
the unbearable lightness
of my being.

Jamie... Jamie!

Hey...

Look...

Uh...

I'm-I'm really sorry,
but I had to do that.

It's all right, Charles.

I still love you.

I just don't ever want
to see you again.

♪ ♪

See, I-I overplayed my hand,
you know?

Now... now Jamie hates me
because I tried to help her.

Sweetheart, you cannot
talk people out of
bad relationships.

- Yeah, but Mom...
- Le-let me just tell you
a little story, all right?

Remember when you
and Ricky Taber

got in trouble
for shaving Mrs. Tortoni's
c*ck spaniel?

[laughing]
Yeah.

Remember I begged you
to stop hanging out with Ricky

because he was a bad influence?

And, what did you do?

I stopped hanging out with him.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Oh.

Then, what's the point
of my story?

I don't know.

Oh, I got-
I remember, now.

I got it, I got it.
I remember... okay.

This is the point.

An object lesson
is the best lesson.

You can't just
tell Jamie

that Abba-Khan
is a villain.

She has to see it
for herself.

I-I know that, Mom.
You see, I...

Someone I have to get
this Abba-Khan guy

to admit that his
whole operation is a scam.

That's not gonna
solve your problem, Charles,

unless he admits it
to Jamie.

- Mom, you're right.
- Of course, I'm right.

I'm a mother.
Mother's are always right.

Please, leave me alone!

I need my space,
I need my privacy!

- Just leave me alone!
- Please, Bud-Wan!

Don't turn us away!

Yeah, Crouton said he was gonna
give us the answer!

Okay, Bud-Wan says...

Everybody, sit down!

Good.

Bud-Wan says...

Everybody, close your eyes!

All right, Buddy,
we gotta be careful.

We gotta be real careful.
This Abba-Khan guy is slippery.

Well, so am I, Charles.

Didn't I just get away
from ten kids

who were in better
physical shape than I am?

Yeah, but it's your
mental shape that concerns me.

What makes you think
that this Abba-Khan

- is gonna show up?
- I told him it's urgent.

Now, all we have to do
is get him to admit

that he's a con man.

A-ha, you have
a hidden tape recorder!

No.

Well, then, what good
is a confession?

- It's just our word
against his.
- Trust me.

[knock at door]

He's here.
Now, lets' do it.

[clears throat]

Hello, great one.

Oh, hello, my son.
You said that this was urgent.

How may I serve you?

Uh, first, great one,
I'd like you to meet my friend,

Bud-Wan.

It's you.

You, who have
deceived my followers.

But I forgive you.

You have mocked the truth,
and the truth will punish you.

Abba, babe...

C'mon, you're amongst friends!

I was just trying to do
what you were doing!

Earn a fast buck
in the marketplace.

That...

...is despicable.
I deceive no one.

I care deeply
about my followers,

and all I can do
is beg both of you

- to give them back.
- Oh, no, not a chance.

Uh... unless you want
to cut a deal.

I make no deals
with the devil.

Forgive me, I love you both,
my children,

but... goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, Abba-Khan, look...

Um... the thing is...

See, we need you,
you know?

Uh, uh... you have
more experience at this thing

than we do.

Tell you what...

We'll return your followers
to you...

Bless you, my child.

...for fifty percent
of the profits.

I am appalled.

All right, forty percent
of the profits.

Hey, wait a minute, Charles.

I'm the one
who turned these kids around.

I say we take eighty percent,
and not a penny less!

After I've
laid the ground-work?!

No way, Joses!

I'll give you 25% of the cut,
and that's my top offer!

And, that'll be more bread
than you two amateurs

have ever seen
in your lives!

- Did you hear that?
- Yes.

I can't wait
to tell this around school.

You're not gonna tell
anybody.

If the I.R.S. finds out
how much we're raking in,

they'll be on us in...

...in a...

What are you two idiots
laughing at?

Oh, you just blew it, Abb.

We're undercover agents.

I think I just saw
the light!

I'm a bald!

I-I love you, Abba!

Man, he can really run fast,
can't he?

Well, it's just a shame
we're the only ones

- that heard his confession.
- Ooh, I know...

Ooh, wait a minute.

We weren't.

Come on out here.

Did you hear that?

Yeah...

What a jerk I am, Charles.

I mean, how could I have been
taken in by that phony?

I give up.
How could you?

I guess I was just looking
for something to believe in,

and I thought I found it.

Look, Jamie, if you want
something real to believe in,

why don't you try God?

Yeah, from now on,
I'll remember that.

- There he is!
- Aaah!

Wait, h*-h*-h*-h*-h*-hold it!
Hold it!

What's going on here?

He-he promised
to tell us the answer!

Oh... well, uh...

Crouton is not here
right now,

and, uh, he told me
to give you the answer.

He said, um,

he said to go home
to your parents,

- and stay in school.
- That's it?

- Yeah.
- My father told me that!

Oh, well then,
you tell your father

that Crouton
said he was right, okay?

There ya go.

There ya go.
Close the door on your way out.

Thank you.

[exhales]

Hey, thanks for getting
those kids off my back,
Charles.

- You're welcome.
- Yeah...

I mean, those kids
were already confused.

One more session with Buddy
and they'd be psychotic.

- Hey!
- Good night, Charles.

Good night.

- Night.
- Good night, Buddy.

You know, I think
it worked out pretty well.

I just have one question.

What is it, Bud-Wan?

That's just it...

My name was Bud-Wan,

so who's this
Crouton character

everybody keeps talking about?

♪ ♪

The Charles, the new Jamie
is driving us crazy.

You have to do something.

Yeah, if she tells us
she loves us

one more time,

we're gonna
run away from home.

What are you gonna do about it?

Relax.
I've already done it.

Sarah, it was your turn

to put the dishes away
this morning.

Now, how come
I got stuck with the job?

- I thought it was your turn.
- Well, it wasn't.

You know, I wish
you'd get it together.

What are you staring at,
you little wonk?

Jamie, is it really you?

Eww!
You touched me!

Now, I have to go
take another bath.

Oh no!
The old Jamie's back!

Yeah, and she's gonna
make our lives miserable again.

This is all your fault,
Charles.

What are you
gonna do about it?

Gonna eat my pudding.

♪ ♪