05x05 - There's a Girl in My Ficus

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's
one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days,
and our nights ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs,
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days,
and our nights ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs,
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪♪

This is great, Jennifer.

I'll tell ya, I've been
waiting six months

for this movie to come out
on videotape.

Me too.
What's really great is,

we'll be watching it
together, just the two of us.

Oh, uh, well, you better make
that the three of us.

Buddy's coming over.

Buddy?
You invited Buddy?

Yeah well, you see, his
girlfriend, Nurse Bennett,

is working double shift
at the hospital

and you know,
he's kind of lonely.

Well, don't get me wrong,
Charles.

I like Buddy.
He's a wonderful guy.

It's just that
he's always here.

He is not!
He is not.

Come on, Jennifer.
Wha--

Look, we've been alone for 57
out of our last 68 dates.

Buddy's hardly ever here!

Hi, Charles!
Where's Buddy?

Uh, Adam, aren't you, uh,
aren't you late for work?

Not yet.
I won't be late
'til I get there.

How do you like your job
at the supermarket, Adam?

Well, the pressure's
k*lling me.

I mean, all day long
it's decisions.

Nothing but decisions.

Paper?
Or, plastic?

Paper?
Or, plastic?

Hi, everybody!
It's me, Buddins!

Buddy, you didn't
have to bring your own plant.

If you wanted to graze,
you could eat the back yard.

No, Charles.
This is my ficus tree.

I'm supposed to develop
a plant growth formula

for my horticulture class.

I was hoping I could do it
here at the house.

Well, I'll have
to ask Mr. Powell.

Hello, Jennifer.
Hello, Lembeck.

Oh, I see you finally found
your intellectual equal.

Charles, do you think
we could watch our movie

before it becomes a classic?

Absolutely. Come on.
Let's go, Buddy.

[in Pig Latin]
Arles-chay, ask-ay
about the icus-fay?

Oh, uh, Mr. Powell, can Buddy
leave his ficus tree here?

He's doing an experiment
for horticulture class.

Are you serious?

The last time Lembeck did
an experiment in this house,

he blew up the kitchen.

Well, that's why
I'm not planning

to put any expl*sives
in my plant food.

Please, Mr. Powell.

It's not for me.
It's for Mother Nature!

How can you be so loyal
to Mother Nature

after what she did to you?

Well, if it's
only plant food, okay.

But if anything goes wrong,
you're responsible, Charles.

Excuse me, Jennifer.

Adam, shouldn't you
go to work?

Good, now that's settled,
can we watch the movie?

- Absolut--
- Oh, no wait!

I have to mix my ingredients
for my plant food!

Let's see, I'll need
some milk and some mustard.

Milk?
Mustard?

Yeah, milk for moistness,
and mustard for mustardness.

Let's see, I'll need some
eggs, and some peanut butter,

and some laundry detergent.

Oh, yeah.
Is this vegetable oil?

Yep, that's vegetable oil.

I'm gonna go watch the movie,
Charles.

- Wait for me.
- No, wait, wait.

I wanna see the movie, too!

I have an idea.

Jennifer can watch
the movie now

and you and I
can watch it later.

You know what?
I have a better idea.

Why don't Jennifer
and I watch the movie now

and you can watch
the movie later.

I got a better idea!

I'll mix my formula

and we'll all
watch the movie.

Great.

♪♪

I had a wonderful time,
Charles.

I love going to the museum.

Actually, I don't care
what we do.

Just as long
as we do it alone.

Don't worry.
We're not gonna be bothered
by anybody today.

I was just leaving.

Freeze, Jamie!

You're not going anywhere!

Our bathroom's a mess

and it's your turn
to clean it.

Get in touch
with reality, Sarah.

It's your turn
to clean the bathroom.

[clears throat]
Excuse me, Jennifer.

All right,
who cleaned it last?

[together]
I did!

All right, well hold it!
Listen to me.

Jennifer and I
are doing our best

to be here without you, okay?

Now if you guys don't wanna
clean your bathroom,

go someplace else and don't
clean it.

Go on. Beat it.

All right. Now...

We're alone.

Now here's what I have
planned for this afternoon...

I can't wait to hear

what you've got planned
for tonight.

Tonight?

Oh, uh...

Well um, I was, I was gonna
go to the game tonight

with, uh...

uh, Buddy.

I don't get it, Charles.

If you have
so much fun with Buddy,

what do you need with me?

Oh, no!
Jennifer, it's not the same!

Come on.
Buddy's my friend.

You know,
you're more than a friend.

You're...

gorgeous.

Look, why don't we forget
about Buddy, okay?

I'd love to.

Hi, Charles.
Hi, Jennifer.

Buddy, you're six hours
early.

Chill out, Mr. Testy.

I just came by
to feed my plant.

All right look,
let's-let's just play like
he's not here, okay?

He doesn't mean any harm.

It's like having
a pet monkey.

Really?

Well, I hate to
tell you this,

but your pet monkey
made a pass at me yesterday.

What?

No, no way!
No way. Come on.

Buddy would never
do that to me.

Besides, he's practically
engaged to Nurse Bennett.

Look, Jennifer.
We said we were gonna
forget about Buddy, remember?

All right. Now.
Where were we?

Ah.

[Buddy]
Charles! Charles! Charles!

Charles! Charles! Charles!

Excuse me. I have to go k*ll
something in the kitchen.

[Buddy continues yelling]

Charles! Charles! Charles!

Charles! Charles! Charles!

Choose your weapons!

My tree has grown a foot!

Whoopie doo.

Maybe tomorrow it'll
grow a pair of arms.

What's this?
Another ficus tree?

No, Mr. Powell.
It's the same one!

My formula works! It works!
I'll be rich!

Rich, do you hear?

Rich beyond my wildest
dreams!

[laughs maniacally]

Buddy!

Listen to me.

This may be a fluke.

No, Charles. It's a ficus.

Flukes don't get that big.

You know, that's amazing.

That plant has tripled
its size in one day.

You could make a fortune
with that formula, Lembeck.

Yeah, all I need now
is someone with some money
to back me.

The only problem is,
is I don't know anyone
with any money.

Ah, too bad, huh?

Wait. Maybe I do.

In fact, I know I do!
Of course!

The president
of the John Paul Jones Society,

Austin Miller!

Mr. Powell, you can't ask
the president of your club

to invest in Buddy.

Why not?
He loves to invest!

Not only that,
he's retiring as president

and I'm one of three men
in line for the job.

Now, if he makes some money
on that formula,

he will definitely name me
as his successor.

Well, Mr. Powell, what if
he invests in this formula

and the formula doesn't work?

Do you think this plant
has tripled its size

by lifting weights?

Don't be so negative,
Charles!

- Goodbye, Charles.
- Oh, I'll be right there.

Look Buddy, forget about
the game tonight, okay?

You got your ficus
and I got my Jennifer.

I'll talk to you later.
Goodbye.

What's wrong with him?

Ah, he's a Nervous Nellie.

Lets you and I go meet
our new investor, partner!

[laughing]

What's a Nellie?

♪♪

[Adam]:
I did it again, Kevin.

Yeah, I just trade one in
every day for a bigger one.

Sure!

Grandpa's falling for it,
too.

They really think
Buddy's ficus tree

is growing that fast.

Oh, okay.
I'll keep you posted. Bye.

I can't believe this,
Mr. Powell.

I mean, every time
we leave the kitchen,

Buddy's tree gets bigger.

I always knew Lembeck
had fertilizer in his blood.

Yeah.
I've got to get to work.

Don't take any wooden trees.

[laughs]

Lembeck. Lembeck. Lembeck.

Austin Miller was here today

and he's coming back
tomorrow.

If that tree gets any bigger,
he's gonna invest a bundle.

[laughs]

I don't blame him.

If I were rich, I'd give
every penny I had to me.

You know, I've gotta tell you
something, Buddy.

You know, at first
I was skeptical, but...

it looks to me
like this formula

is gonna make you more money
than you can count.

That's true. That's true.

I'd better get some fresh
batteries in my calculator.

[laughs]

Aren't you going out with
Jennifer this afternoon?

Uh, yeah.
She's on her way over here.

Buddy, um,
tell me the truth. Uh...

do you uh,

you know, are you, are you
interested in Jennifer?

I don't have time
to be interested

in your girlfriends, Charles.

I'm so busy with my plant
food business,

I don't even have time to see
Nurse Bennett.

I can't believe it.

Austin actually gave me
a four figure check

to cover my expenses.

A four figure check?
That's incredible.

Charles! Tell Sarah
to clean our bathroom.

I can't even seen myself
in the mirror anymore.

Sarah, clean your bathroom.

No, tell Jamie it's her turn.

Jamie, it's your turn.

Charles, if that's
the best you can do,

I'm just gonna have to use
your bathroom.

- What? Hey...
- Not if I get there first!

Hey hey hey hey hey!
Come back here! Come here!

[knocking at door]

Oh, it's you.
Where's Charles?

He's downstairs.

Oh.

Buddy, I'm glad you're here.

I'm really worried about
Charles.

He's...

No, I shouldn't tell you.

Wait! Tell me, tell me.

Well, this
is really difficult.

You see...

sometimes as friends grow
older, they grow apart.

I'm afraid that's what's
happening to Charles.

Oh, no.

And you two were getting
along so well, Jennifer.

We still are!

Buddy, it's you.

You are the one
who's making Charles unhappy.

Me?

That's ridiculous.

If there were
something wrong,

Charles would have
told me about it.

He can't, Buddy!

The last thing he wants to do
is to hurt your feelings.

He likes you.

But if you keep on
hanging on to him,

he's gonna end up hating you.

Hating me?

Charles?

Well...

Well, if that's the case,
then all he has to do

is just say the word
and I'll be gone.

You know he'll never do that.

Oh, well.

I guess there's no solution.

Yes, there is.

Either clean
your own bathroom

or move into an Arco station.

Wait! Grandpa's bathroom!

Oh! Jennifer, hi. Listen...

Just let me grab my coat
and we'll get out of here.

Buddy, I'll call you later.

No, Charles.

Don't call me later.
Don't call me sooner.

Don't call me ever. Okay?

What are you talking about?

Do I have to draw
a picture for you, Charles?

I'm a busy kind of guy!

I don't have room for you
in my life anymore,

so stay off my back!

♪♪

It's true, Mom.
I mean...

ever since Buddy
hit the big time,

it's been haste la vista,
Charles.

Sweetheart, why would
Buddy start speaking Spanish

all of a sudden?

And, how did he
get to be big time?

Mommy, he invented some
plant food formula thing

and it's
a million dollar idea.

Oh, well, you see.
That's why he's confused.

Buddy's not used to having an
idea.

Don't make excu--

Don't make excuses for him!

- Hi, Lillian!
- Hi.

Charles, are you feeling
any better about Buddy?

No.

No, well neither am I.
I mean, it just hurts me

to see such a close
friendship come to an end.

I mean, you two
were like brothers.

Yeah.

We had fun together,
didn't we?

You know,
I know this whole thing
could be straightened out

if only you and Buddy
would talk.

I mean, maybe you
misunderstood him.

Yeah, maybe you're right,
mom.

I mean...

it couldn't hurt
to talk to him.

Then do it!

I mean, everything can be
taken two ways.

No matter what Buddy said,

I know he meant
something else.

Gee, I don't know.

I mean, what else
could Buddy have meant...

when he told Charles to stay
out of his life forever.

Nothing else!

He meant
exactly what he said.

Come on, Jennifer. We've got
a fun afternoon ahead of us.

Don't worry about him, Mom.

I'll take care of everything.

I bet you will.

Adam.

What are you doing?

Uh, Charles.

I was, uh,
just taking Buddy's tree out.

For a walk.

Well, where did this other
tree come from.

What other tree?

All right,
I want the truth, Adam.

Come on.

Okay, I'll tell you.

But you've got to
keep it to yourself.

I've been playing
a little joke on Buddy.

You've been switching Buddy's
trees for bigger trees?

Every day! Funny, huh?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

It's a real riot, Adam.

Why don't you tell that
to the judge

when he puts your grandfather
and Buddy in jail for fraud!

- Fraud?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, Charles.
Please don't tell on me.

[stammering]
Adam, I can't keep
this a secret!

I have to tell them
the truth!

But if you do that,
grandpa will k*ll me!

Think of another way,
Charles. Please!

All I can say, Austin,
is seeing is believing.

Oh no, he's here.
Get that tree out of here.

No, Adam! Not that one!

- Oh, hello, Charles!
- Hi.

Good heavens!

This is amazing.

Walter, if I didn't
know you better,

I'd suspect you
of switching trees on me.

[laughing]

That's a good one!

Well, as you can see,
this formula works.

Uh, Austin,
should we talk money?

Absolutely.

Now, in return
for 50% of the profits,

I am willing to invest
$25,000.

It's a deal!

I thought it would be!

Now...

Walter, if you and Buddy will
just sign--

Just, just point me to the
dotted line!

Point me to the dotted line!

To say something, you know,
now we're all present,

you know, $25,000 seems like
a very fair offer.

But you know, considering the
profits

that this formula
will-will make...

$50,000 sounds
a little more fair.

Hey, yeah! $50,000 does have
a nice fair ring to it.

$25,000 is very fair.

Absolutely. But...

not quite as fair as $50,000.

True, but I am offering
$25,000.

- $50,000!
- $25,000!

- $50,000!
- $75,000!

$80,000!

Hold it! Hold it!

All right, $50,000,
but that is my final offer.

- We'll take it.
- We certainly will.

$50,000 is extremely fair.

Absolutely.
Can't do better than that.

Although...

you know,
I hear the guy that invented

the inflatable woman
got millions.

Millions?

For something you have
to patch every week?

All right. $100,000
and that's my final offer.

Take it or leave it!

I will leave it.

Walter, you have wasted
my time.

Come to the meeting tonight.

Watch me name my successor.

Charles!

You just blew the biggest
deal of our lives.

Yeah, Charles.

And now Austin's probably
gonna want his money back.

What money?

The four figure check he gave
me to cover my expenses!

Of course he'll want to have
his money back!

- But I already spent it!
- What?

I'm half responsible
for that money!

Charles.

Charles,
you cost me a fortune.

And the presidency of the
John Paul Jones Society.

I won't forget that.

[laughs]
I won't forget that.

Thanks a lot, Charles.

If you weren't completely out
of my life,

I'd kick you out of my life.

So...

What's the bad news?
Did you tell on me?

No.

The bad news is, I saved
your grandfather and Buddy

and now they both hate me.

Boy, Charles.

You sure got yourself
into a mess this time.

You...

got me into a mess, Adam.

You and your big fat ficus.

And you are gonna
get me out of it.

[both whispering]
- Charles. Charles.
- Yes?

Charles.
Is the coast clear?

Yes, hurry.

Adam, what is that?

I told you to bring back
a smaller ficus,

not a dead ficus!

How could your supermarket
sell something that scrawny?

No, they don't.

This is Buddy's
original ficus tree...

after it ate the plant food.

Oh, hello, Adam.

What's this?

Uh, that's
Buddy's ficus tree.

What happened to it?

Well sir, apparently the
formula shifted into reverse.

Good lord.
Do you know what this means?

I mean, if it wasn't for you,

that deal would have
gone through and...

Austin would have
been ruined.

I gotta make a phone call.

I gotta make a phone call.

See, Charles?

Alls well that ends well.

It hasn't ended well yet,
Adam.

Buddy still hates me

and you still have to pay
your debt to society.

Clean the bathroom, Jamie.

Sarah, you clean the
bathroom!

Time out!

All right, now.
Can I have that, please?

Ladies, Adam here...

wants to clean
your bathroom every day

for the next two weeks,
right Adam?

Right.
It's what I live for.

Wow!

Oh, Jamie. Don't forget.

The first day after the
two weeks are up,
it's your turn.

No way.
It's your turn.

Charles,
I can't take it anymore.

Why'd you mess up my deal?

I had to, Buddy.

Your plant growth formula

didn't cause that tree
to grow, it caused this.

Adam was playing a joke
on you by switching trees.

I was trying to help you.

Well, I don't get it.
You don't like me.

- Why would you help me?
- Yes, I do.

Buddy, I'm helping you
because I'm your friend.

Even though you don't
want to be my friend.

I do want to be your friend.
You don't wanna be my friend!

Of course I do.

Charles, I just dumped you

before you got the chance
to dump me.

Jennifer told me
you wanted to get rid of me.

Jennifer said that?

Buddy, Jennifer lied to you.

She's the one who wanted
to get rid of you.

[doorbell]

That's probably her.

Why don't you wait
in the kitchen.

Well, there she goes.
Getting rid of me again.

- Hi. Jennifer.
- Hi.

You know,
I gotta tell you something.

You were absolutely right
about Buddy. You know...

he was just hanging around
too much.

Thanks for pointing
that out to me.

I probably should have
kept my mouth shut.

- I really like Buddy.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I like him,
I like him, too.

That's why I don't mind him
hanging around.

See, but what I do mind is...

you lying to him.

Me?
What are you talking about?

The game is over, Jennifer.

Now, I know you told Buddy...

that I want him
out of my life.

Well, you should want him
out of your life!

He's in the way.
Charles, you don't need him.

Well, don't you think that
should be my decision?

Well then make your decision.

Do you want me,
or do you want Buddy?

Yes.

You can't have us both.

Well in that case, uh,

I guess I'll take
the honest one.

What's his name?
Uh, Buddy.

Charles, if I walk
out that door,

I am never coming back again.

Well now,
that's your decision.

Fine. Goodbye, Charles.

Damn.

I knew I should have k*lled
Buddy when I had the chance.

Charles. Charles, I just got
off the phone with Austin.

I told him I uncovered the
flaw in Lembeck's formula

and saved him
from financial disaster.

You, you uncovered the flaw?

Well, we did.

Anyway, he was so grateful,

he's gonna name me
his successor

as president of the club.

Oh, Mr. Powell.
Am I glad you're here.

Do you know how lucky we are
that Charles blew the deal?

Yes, Goofy.

Now, our only problem
is that four figure check

that Austin gave you.

What was the exact amount?

Thirty-nine, nine-five.

Oh.

Almost $4,000?

No. $39.95

Those are the four figures?

Yeah, Mr. Powell.

Three, nine, nine, five.

And I really want
to pay it back.

Can one of you guys
lend me $50?

$50?
You just said it was $39.95.

Well, business is business.

I put a lot of effort
into this project.

I gotta make a little profit.

[together]
Out, Lembeck!

[chuckles]

♪♪

Charles, what is this?

Huh? I think that's
Buddy's plant food.

Why is he saving it?

I don't know.
Maybe he wants to go into
the tree shrinking business.

[chuckles]

What's in it?

Oh, geez.

Woo!

That's dis--

That's the worst thing
I ever smelled in my life.

That's disgusting.

Hey, what's that smell?

[sniffs]

Ugh!

Hi, everybody.
I think I forgot something.

You certainly did.

Your plant food, and don't
ever bring it back again.

It's not my plant food.
That's my lunch.

Good Lord!

Buddy, can-can I have
a bite?

Yeah, sure!

[screams]

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days,
and our nights ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪