05x08 - Paper Covers Rock

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

[humming]

I don't want
to hear about it, Buddy.

But, Charles, I need your help.

Charles can't help you, Lembeck!

He's a college student,
not a brain surgeon.

That's okay, Mr. Powell!

For what I have in mind,
a college student
will be perfect.

You've got something in mind?

That's unique.
Whose mind is it in?

My mind!
But, I'm trying to put it
in Charles' mind.

Buddy, stay out of my mind.
I told you, I'm up for
an ethics scholarship, okay?

And I can get disqualified for
just breathing the same air
you breathe.

[chuckles]

Charles, a lot of people
breathe the same air.

But that won't get us into
The Guinness Book of Records.

I don't want to be in the
The Guinness Book of Records!
Please!

Come on, get somebody else
to help you, get the little kid
that lives here, get Adam.

I can't use Adam.
He's too young, and immature.

Besides he already
turned me down.

All right, then get Sarah.

No, no, you keep
Sarah out of this.

The New Brunswick Herald
has just given Sarah her first
reporting assignment.

As we speak,
she's at the Regent Hotel,

interviewing one
of the greatest men
of this century.

Captain Kangaroo?

No!
Henry Kissinger.

Oh, bummer.

Hi, boy,
have I got good news.

Jamie!
Would you be interested in...
- No.

That leaves you, Charles.
The Guinness Book of Records

is waiting for us.
Now think about it.

You guys are not
gonna believe what happened.

Sarah is getting
the scoop of the year.

Henry Kissinger didn't show up.

Hey, that is news.

No, no, no, but there's more.

When we were in the hotel lobby,
we ran into someone even
bigger than Henry Kissinger.

Someone who promised Sarah
an exclusive interview.

I'm talking about
a major rock star.

[Charles] A rock star?
[Jamie] A rock star.

Oh, now, now, Sarah.
There's gonna be
other interviews.

Besides talking to a rock star
is much better than, uh,

talking to a rock.

Sarah, you have a chance
to interview a living legend,

and you're not even excited.

Come on, Jamie.
You know I like rock and roll
just as much as the next guy.

But, rock stars
are human beings.

They're no big deal.
- You hear that Jamie?

At least Charles isn't
impressed by Samantha Steele.

Samantha Steele!
The rock star?

Are you crazy, woman?

You have a chance to interview
a living legend,

and you're not even
excited about it?

Don't worry,
I'll go through with it.

I agreed to meet Samantha
later on at the hotel.

The hotel?
Well now, Sarah, Sarah?

Don't you think that
you should, you know,
take her someplace private?

Hmm?
You know someplace, um...
Homey?

You know, someplace
with a home-kind

of feel to it, you know,
someplace like, um...

Uhhh,

Here?
- Here?

Do you believe this girl?
Sarah, you are genius.

You are a wonderful
little reporter.

Okay, I'll call and ask her
to come over,

but I'm not sure living legends
make house calls.

Now who really wants to get
close to Samantha, Charles?

Sarah, or you?

Please Jamie, why would I want
to meet Samantha Steele?

Well, she is beautiful, petite,
darling, sexy and talented.

The five things I hate most
in a woman.

[door bell]

Hi.

I'm here to see Sarah Powell.
My name is Samantha Steele.

How you doing?

Hey, hey, come on,
I know you.

Come on, admit it,
you're Samantha Steele.

Okay, I confess...
Who are you?

Charzel.
- Charzel?

Hi.

Chalzer?

Samantha Steele, I can't believe
you actually came to our house.

I told Sarah I would,
and I always keep my promises.

[shouting]
Charles!

I really appreciate this,
Ms. Steele.

Would you like to start
the interview?
- Yeah, I'm ready.

Now, excuse me, now Jamie,

come on now, this is
a private interview

between Samantha and Sarah.
They need to be alone.

Oh, okay.
Well Sarah, you have

then I have a few questions
for Samantha.

Just sit right here, Ms. Steele.

Sit right there, there you go.

You know, uh, uh,
Sarah, you know,

all the professionals--
excuse me for butting in here,
by the way.

You know, all the professionals
use tape recorders.

Oh yeah.
Where is my tape recorder?

Well, I think I saw it
up in your bedroom, or...

Maybe it's up in the attic,
why don't you go look for it,
okay?

Excuse me, I'll be up
in my room, Ms. Steele.

So, uh...

Sarah tells me you're
in the show business.

You didn't know?

I heard that you were,
you know.

I don't know that much
about you.

Except for what I read
in the fan magazines,

which I never read.

Um, you know, you're really
a cute guy.

So are you.
[laughs]

Well, I wouldn't really,
you know, classify you
as a guy,

but if you were a guy
you'd be a cute little guy,
you know?

See, I see you more
as a young woman.

A very beautiful young woman.

Well, thanks.
Actually...

I think of you as a very
handsome young man.

You know we gotta be the best
looking couple in the world.
[laughs]

Charles!
I just figured out a way

for you to help me get into
The Guinness Book of Records

without risking
your ethics scholarship.

Buddy, Samantha Steele.
- Hi.

We could wear masks, Charles.

Think about it.
Nice to meet you, Jessica.

So, what's all this
about an ethics scholarship?

Uh... [stammers]

They give a scholarship
to the student who...
Who exhibits the...

The highest sense
of ethics,

and it'll pay my tuition
for two years.

Really?
-Mm-hmm.

I'm impressed.

See, I'd like to hear more
about this ethics scholarship.

Why don't we get together
later tonight?

Whatcha reckon?

[stammers]

What do I reckon?

What do I reckon?

[chuckles]

I reckon I got a date
with Samantha Steele.

I can't believe I finally met
an ethical man.

I'm really enjoying
myself tonight, Charles.

Sometimes I need
a little bit of privacy.

Well...
Hi.

Speaking of, uh,
privacy, uh...

Privacy.

Do these two guys
go everywhere with you?

Yeah.

I mean, somebody's got
to guard my body.

There's a lot of crazies
out there.

Charles!
Hi...

There's a lot
of crazies in here, too.

Excuse me.
Everything is fine.

Charles, I figured out
another way...
- Listen--listen.

... for us to get into
The Guinness Book of Records

without endangering
your ethics scholarship.

We can do the stunt
underwater, Charles!
- No, Buddy, listen to me.

Buddy, listen to me!
I need your help.

Listen, I want to be alone
with Samantha.

I need you to get rid
of those bodyguards for me.

How?
- Oh, I don't know,
Buddy!

Think of something.
You're a brilliant man.

You're right,
I am brilliant.

All right, you want me
to get rid

of those bodyguards?
- Yes, please.

Watch this.

[whistling ♪]

He's very fast.
They could be chasing him
for days.

Why don't, uh...

Why don't I take you
some place really private?

Well...

Well, okay,
but, um...

Who's going to guard
my body?

[Charles]
Listen, I wanna tell you
I had a great time tonight.

You know, I had the best time
I've ever had in my life.

Oh, me too.

Anyway, I've been doing
lots of thinking.

I caught my road manager
last week

nicking some receipts.

What?
Licking receipts?

No, "nicking."
Stealing.

Oh, right, right.

Anyway, I need to replace him
with somebody I can trust.

Someone with ethics.

Someone like you.

You kidding me?

How long would you
be needing me for?

Ooh, I don't know.

How about, for the rest
of our lives?

Oh...

Are you--are you
talking about, um...

Flowers and--
and relatives, and, and...

[Here Comes the Bride ♪]
"Dum, dum, da-dum?"

[laughs]
You don't have
to decide that now.

Just think about it.

And I'll call you tomorrow.

[door opens]

[Charles] Oh, Mr. Powell.

Charles, where have
you been all day?

Mr. Powell, I have been
with the most beautiful
girl in the world.

Huh?

Sir, I'm about to make
a major change in my life.

Um...

I'm going to become
Samantha Steele's
road manager.

Well, does that mean
you're going to leave us?

Uh...
Yes sir, I mean...

Oh yeah, I'll miss
the kids, and you, but...

That's just the tip
of the iceberg, Charles.

What about college?
What about your ethics
scholarship?

I mean, you're going
to give up all of that

just for a job
with Samantha Steele?

No, sir, it's more
than a job.

I'm going to ask Samantha
to be my wife.

[door opens]

Charles, Grampa!

I've got the scoop
of the century!

I just found out
that Samantha Steele

is secretly married!

Sarah, you got
to be wrong.

There's no way
that Samantha Steele
is secretly married.

I have proof, Charles.

I got an anonymous phone tip

to check the court records
in Sheffield, England.

That's Samantha's hometown.

Three weeks ago,
a marriage license was issued

to Helen Fogerty
and an unnamed spouse.

You mean, Samantha's
the unnamed spouse?

[Sarah] No...

Samantha is Helen Fogerty.

That's her real name.

Sarah, did it ever occur
to you that there
might be more than one

Helen Fogerty
in Sheffield, England?

I already asked
that question, Charles.

There was only one.

Look, just...

Hold that story
until I check this out.

No, Charles, Charles!
- Charles, no!

Grampa, I can't hold the story.
I already turned it in.

It's going to running
in tomorrow's sunrise edition.

Doesn't Charles want me to be

the number one reporter
on the Morning Herald?

Oh yes, Sarah.

He just doesn't want to be
the number two husband
on the nightly news.

Aunt Lillian!
Did you see Sarah's story
in this morning's paper?

Yes, I know, I know.
I'm very proud of her.

You know,
this Samantha Steele
looks an awful lot

like that girl that Charles
was going out with.

That's because she is.

Don't you get it,
Aunt Lillian?

Charles is seeing
a married woman!

Buddy, Charles would never
go out with a married woman.

That's not the way
I raised him--
Charles!

How could you go out
with a married woman?

That's not the way
I raised you.

No, I know that.

Look, Samantha's on her way
over here in a few minutes.

We're going to straighten
this whole thing out.

Well, I hope so.
They don't give
ethics scholarships

to home wreckers.

Hey Charles!
Here she comes

with her incredible body!

And her incredible
bodyguards.

Listen, Buddy.
I need you to get rid
of those guys again.

Wait a minute.
I don't know, Charles.

If I'm willing to help you,
you should be willing
to help me!

Do the words
Guinness Book of Records
ring a bell?

All right, fine,
you got it!
Just...

Just get those guys out of here,
I'll do any silly stunt
you want, okay?

It's a deal.
- All right.

[whistling ♪]

Hey!

[whistling ♪]

I'm, uh...

Glad you could make it.

Seen the morning paper?

Yeah.

Look, uh...

If Sarah got it wrong,
I'll apologize for her.

Um...

She did get it wrong,
didn't she?

Um, well, it's not
that simple, really.

Hi, um...
Will you sign this?

Sure, Adam.
- No, no.

I already have your autograph.
I want yours, Charles.

Mine?
- Yeah.

You're on the cover of
The National Babbler.

Give me this.

"Samantha's Secret Hubby?"

"In a story published
earlier today,

New Brunswick reporter
Sarah Powell

uncovered the secret marriage
of Samantha Steele.

The Babbler has learned
the identity of her husband.

He's Copeland College
student Charles...

Continued on Page 12."

What is this?

Please, Charles,
don't get upset.

Don't get upset?

Are you kidding?
My face is plastered

on every checkout stand
in every supermarket
in the country!

Of course it is!

Why else would I want
your autograph?

No, please, Adam.
Not now!

Gee, you know, you give
a guy a little fame,

and it goes right
to his head.

Samantha,
what's the story?

Look, let me talk
to my publicist,

and I'll call you
in about an hour.

And don't worry.

Nobody reads The Babbler.

[door bell]

Samantha!
Oh.

No, Charles,
it's me, Buddy!

If you can't
tell us apart,

You never should have
married the girl!

I'm not married
to her, Buddy.

I'm not even sure
she is married.

Well then, why don't
you ask her?
- I'm trying to.

What are you
doing here?

I'm here so you can help me
get into The Guinness Book
of Records, remember?

Oh no, please, not now,
please, Buddy?

Come on, Charles,
you promised.

All right, fine.
I'll do your silly stunt.

Just don't talk to me.
- It's a deal.

What are you doing?

I'm not allowed to talk
to you about it.

Charles, Charles,
what's going on?

Charles?

Oh, we're entering the,

"The Guinness Book
of World Records

Two-Person-Tied-Together
Endurance Test."

Try to imagine
how little I care.

Charles, it says here
in The Babbler

that you're already married!
Is that true?

No sir, I'm not married,
but my wife may be.

I mean, she could
be my wife,

if she wasn't already
married to someone else.

You're beginning to sound
like Lembeck!

Clear your decks, Charles!
And, and, and...

Get this Samantha thing
cleared up, too.

And then get rid
of that growth on your hip.

Eww!
Eww!

You know, Charles,
it's a good thing for you

that the Ethics Committee
doesn't read The Babbler.

Otherwise, you could kiss
your scholarship goodbye.
- Tell me about it.

[phone rings]
[Walter] Telephone!

[Walter] Telephone!
- Yes, thank you, sir!
I got it!

Buddy, please give me
the phone.

Please, can I have
the phone, Buddy?

Give me...

[shouting]
Samantha?

Oh...
Oh...

Oh, hello,
Professor Berger.

Yes...

No sir, I-I, no sir,
I'm not married.

No...
No, I...

I don't know how that picture
got in The Babbler.

Yeah--ow.

Yes--no, nothing, sir.
Yes...
Yes, I...

I am dating her, but...

No, no, Professor.
I don't consider myself

a "home-wrecking piece
of human garbage."

Yes, but...

Yes, but I...

Yes, thank you, sir.

Wrong number?

Great!

Now I can kiss
my ethics scholarship
goodbye!

Why, why is Samantha
doing this to me?

Why, why did she leave town
without explaining anything?

Why won't she
take my calls?

Why am I tied
to a human zucchini?

Hi Charles.
- Ah.

Why are you
and Buddy...

Don't change
the subject, Sarah.

This is all your fault.

None of this would've happened
if you'd have checked your facts

before you printed that story.

I did check my facts.

I had a reliable source.
- Really?

Really, well, The Babbler
had a reliable source, too!
Sarah Powell!

The Babbler believed you,

The Ethics Committee
believed The Babbler,

and now I'm out
of an ethics scholarship!

[door bell]

I'll get it!

Thank you, Sarah!
We got it!

Well, if it isn't
Helen Fogerty.

You're right, Sarah!
It isn't.

It's Samantha Steele.

Hello, Helen.
Or Samantha,
or whoever you are.

Where have you been?

Getting things ironed out.

Why are you and Buddy--
- Don't change the subject.

What's going on?

Well, here's the deal.

My real name
is Helen Fogerty.

But I can assure you
I'm not married.

What about your
marriage license?

That was all planted
by my publicist, Sarah.

And he was your
anonymous phone tip.

You mean this whole thing
was a lie?

Well, let's just say
he gave you a false lead.

Well, what for?

You-you sure don't need
any more publicity.

Not publicity, Charles.
Controversy.

Today, it's a star's
best friend.

Contro--

Controversy?

Oh, you mean scandal?

You were using me
for controversy?

No.

We never expected
The National Babbler

to connect you
with the story.

[c*ck accent]
Well, now,
don't you see, Charles?

Samantha wasn't
trying to use you?

She was just using
Sarah as well?

That's true,
isn't it, Samantha?

You were using me
from the beginning.

It wasn't my idea.

And I feel terrible
about it now.

Oh, well, I guess you got
to fire your publicist now, huh?

No.

I can't do that.

He's just doing a job
and he's very good at it.

Please try
to understand, Charles.

I may not agree with everything
that goes on in this business,

but my career has to come first.

Hm, well...

I guess you won't
be needing me.

Of course I will.

I told you, I need a man
with a sense of ethics.

No...
No, come on.

Ethics are just going
to get in your way, Samantha.

Look, I can't go
on the road with you.

You and I are traveling
in two different directions.

I'm not going
to beg you, Charles.
- I know.

Your career comes first.

Oh well.
Goodbye, Charles.
- Goodbye.

Charles.

Look, for what it's worth,
I meant everything
I said to you.

And I still think
we could have made
a great team.

[whisper]
Bye, Charles.

Hey, cheer up,
big guy!

I'm sure some day
you'll find another

beautiful, sexy, petite,

darling, young rock star.

Although I'd hate to know
the odds against it.

Don't worry, Charles.
I'm going to write
another article.

"The Truth Behind
the Samantha Steele
Marriage Hoax."

But this time,
I got the facts on tape.

When the Ethics Committee
reads my new article,

maybe they'll change
their minds about
your scholarship.

That's great.
You know, Sarah,
somewhere out there

is a Pulitzer Prize
with your name on it.

[sighs]

You know, Buddy?

This hasn't been one
of my better days.

Look-look at
the bright side, Charles.

We're going to be in
The Guinness Book of Records.

Yeah!

I mean, sure,
it's a little uncomfortable

being tied and taped
together like this.

But just think.

We only have

One of us
will never make it.

Oh, Charles,
you're still up?
- Oh, yes sir.

I'm just making myself
a little midnight snack.

I thought you had
to be tied to Lembeck

for that Guinness Book
of Records thing.

Yeah, but I got away
for a little while.

It's okay though, I got
a friend of mine at the lab
to take my place.

Oh, doesn't Lembeck object?

No, actually, he went to sleep
a couple hours ago.

What about the guy
that took your place?

Doesn't he mind being
tied to Lembeck?

I'm not sure either one
of them knows the difference.

How could they not tell
the difference if they're
tied to each other?

Well, they're both
pretty much out of it.

Why don't you
take a look, sir.

Hang in there, Charles.

Only 76 more hours to go.

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare ♪]