05x10 - Advice and Contempt

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

- It's no use, Buddy.
Whatever it is,

It's wedged in
pretty tight up there.

- Well here, let me try
and loosen it for you.

[loud reverberating dong]

Did that clear the chimney?

- No, but you cleared
my sinuses.

- Hi.
Did Cliff Randall call?

- Uh, not that I know of.

- We're going some place
this afternoon.

- You and Charles?
- No, me and Cliff.

- "Cliff and I."
- You are?
Can I go with you?

- Charles, you're not going
anyplace with Cliff.

- I don't want to go
anyplace with Cliff.

- Good, because we have
something to talk
about privately.

- Hey, if you and Charles
want to be alone, I'll leave.

- Not me and Charles,
me and Cliff.

- "Cliff and I."

- What about you and Cliff?

- Jamie, I'm correcting
your grammar.

You keep saying, "Me and Cliff,"
when you mean "Cliff and I."

- What difference does it make?
- "I" is correct.

- No Charles, "I 'am' correct."

- Well Charles, don't give me
talking lessons,

just let me know when Cliff
gets here, okay?
- Fine!

So...
Hey, Jamie!

So after three weeks, I finally
get to meet the dashing,

yet, uh, elusive
Cliff Randall, eh?

- Meet him, yes.
Talk to him, no.

Charles, every time you talk
to one of my boyfriends,

you mess things up.

- What do you expect from a guy
who walks around,

saying "I is correct?"

- Buddy, "I is correct"
is correct.

- No you isn't, you isn't.

- See Charles,
why do you need me
for your teaching experiment?

You already have
the Prince of Dorkness.

- Hey, hey, come on now.
Just cut Buddy
some slack here, okay?

He's not illiterate,
he just happens to be
half a bubble off.

Now speaking of which,
before Cliff gets here,

you should know that
your socks don't match.

- Both of them.

- They're not
supposed to, Charles.

Look, don't tell me
how to dress.

I'm a grown woman, okay?

- What, you mean that's as big
as you're going to get?

- Charles?
Charles, I wanna talk to you.

- I tried to clean
the chimney, Mr. Powell,

but there's something
stuck in there.

- Well, in that case,
why don't you call
the chimney sweep?

Right now, it's Jamie
I'm worried about.

Charles, she's been spending
too much time with
this Cliff Randall.

It's not healthy
for a girl her age

to be dating one boy.

Now I want you
to talk to her.
- Me?

- He means "I."
"I am correct."

- No, Lembeck.
"I" am correct.

"You" are co-razy.

- Mr. Powell,
I would love to talk
to Jamie.

But you know
how angry she gets

when somebody tries
to tell her what to do.

- Of course I do.
That's the point, Charles.

If Jamie's going to get
mad at anyone,

it might as well be you.
[laughs]

Talk to her.

Stay!

Great, great.
Just what I need,

another confrontation
with Jamie.

- It's a piece of cake, Charles.

All you have to do
is come right out

and say, "Jamie,
you're seeing way too much
of this Cliff Randall."

- No, Buddy, I can't do that!
Are you crazy?

I gotta find a way
to tell Jamie what to do,

without telling her what to do.

- Charles, Grandpa said
you wanted to see me?

- Yeah, but don't worry
about it, Jamie.

Even though
he'll be telling
you what to do,

he won't be telling you
what to do.

Good luck, Charles.
- Thank-thank you,
very much.

Uh, Jamie, you've, uh...

You've been seeing a lot
of this Cliff Randall guy.

- Do you have a problem
with that?
- No, hey, no!

I think relationships are great.

If they're kept in their
proper perspective, you see.

[clears throat]
See, Jamie...

Relationships are a lot like...

... the stars in the sky.

Now, from down here they seem
to be all packed together,

but, when in reality...

They are millions and millions
of miles apart.

And it's that togetherness,

yet separateness...

... that keeps the universe...

... in perfect harmony.

All right, fine,
let me put it to you this way.

You're seeing too much
of Cliff Randall.

- I don't believe this.

Charles, first you tell me
how to talk.

Then you tell me how to dress,

and now you're telling me
who to date.

Well sorry Charles,
I'm not gonna break up
with Cliff.

- No, no, I didn't say
"break up," Jamie,

I just said to, you know,
"break apart."

- Not a chance.

- All right, fine.
A word to the wise
is sufficient.

Excuse me.

- Hi, what's going on?

- Charles just told me
to break up with Cliff Randall.

Well I'm not gonna do it.

- But you told me you wanted
to break up with Cliff Randall.

You said he was interfering
with your school work.

You said you wanted to date
other guys.

- Yeah, but that was before
Charles made his speech.

See, if I dump Cliff now,

Charles will think it's
because he told me to,

and he'll have the upper hand
for the rest of my life.

I can't let that happen.

[doorbell]

- Hi, Cliff.
- Hi, Sarah.

Hi, Jamie.

You'll never guess where
I'm going to take you today.

- You're right, Cliff,
I never will.
So let's just go.

- Sweetheart, you must have
said something

to get Jamie angry with you.

- Ma, I only told Jamie what
Mr. Powell told me to tell her.

- That's true, Aunt Lillian.

I heard Mr. Powell ask Charles
to get Jamie angry with him.

- [Lillian] Hmm, okay.

Let's put it this way.

What did Walter say to you,
to say to Jamie,

that you said to Jamie,
that got her angry?

- Well, Jamie' got this guy
named Cliff Randall,
Mom, all right?

And they've been spending
a lot of time together.

Now, Mom...

As you know, relationships

are a lot like the stars
in the sky.

See, from down here they seem
to be all packed together,

but, when in reality,

they're millions of miles apart.

And it's that together-separate
relationship

that makes the world work.

- That's very profound, Charles.
What does it mean?

- It means that Jamie and Cliff
should break up.

- No, no, Buddy, not break up.
Just break apart.

See, Jamie told me this guy
Cliff is smart,

he's good-looking,
and he's really nice.

So why should he limit himself
to one girl, right?

And on the flip side,
why should Jamie

limit herself to one guy?

- Don't apologize, Charles.

I took a poll on the streets,

and so far,
everyone forgives you,
except Jamie.

- Buddy, I have nothing
to apologize to Jamie for.

Mr. Powell was the one
who told me to tell her

to stop seeing Cliff.

- Sweetheart, you're not
being paid

to be pushed around
by Walter Powell.

You're an adult.

You have to stand up
for yourself.

No one else
can do it for you.

And I'm going
to tell Walter that!

- And I'm going with you.
- No, Mom, wait, listen to me.

I'm a grown-up.
I'm an adult.
I don't need any help.

I can solve my own problems,
and run my own life.

I know that, Doodlebug,
and I'm proud of you.

- We both are.

Blow.
[blows nose]

- Oh, hi, Cliff.
You're early, come on in.

- Hi, Jamie.
Uh, look...

I know we have
a date tonight, but uh...

Well, I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

- Well, don't strain yourself.
You know, the usual dinner,

a movie, and a dozen roses
will be fine.

- Well, actually, what I was
going to say was, uh...

- Well, it might not be
a bad idea if we started
seeing other people.

- Are you saying
you wanma break up?

- Oh, not "break up,"
just "break apart."

It's like the stars
in the sky.

From down here they
seem all packed together,
but in reality...

- In reality those
aren't your words!

You heard them from
someone named Charles.

- That's true,
but let me finish.
- No thanks, Cliff,

I've really heard enough.
Look...

Don't think of this as being
"thrown out,"

just "thrown apart."

[groans]

- Jamie, what's wrong?

- Cliff just broke up
with me.

- But I thought that's
what you wanted.

- Yeah, it's what I wanted
but not how I wanted it.

Do you have any idea
what this will do

to my reputation?

- Jamie, the important thing is

to do what's best
for both you and Cliff.

Your reputation doesn't matter.

- Oh right, and beauty
is only skin-deep.

- Hey, Jamie,
you and I have to talk.

- How can you speak to me?

- How can I speak to her?

- You can't Charles,
she's not even here.

- Charles?
Charles?

Did you talk to Jamie
about that Cliff Randall?

- Uh, yes, sir.

In a manner of speaking,
we spoke, and...

Now she isn't speaking.
- Uh-huh, good.

Well, that's what you
get paid for.

I thought you were going
to call in a chimney sweep.

- Well, actually, we did.

And he said that
he went off his diet,

and it'd be a couple of weeks
before he could fit back up
the chimney.

- Mr. Powell, we need
to talk about Jamie.

- Two weeks?
I can't wait two weeks.

Julia's coming over here
tomorrow night

and she loves to sit
in front of a roaring fire!

- Well, in that case,
couldn't you just

move the couch in front
of the oven?

- Mr. Powell, I will find
a chimney sweep.

Now, I gotta talk to you
about Jamie...
- You better!

You better get one before
my date with Julia.

I mean, is it asking too much

for a man to have
his chimney cleaned
once in a while?

- Charles, you know
you've really done it this time.

How could you tell Cliff
to break up with me?

- What?
What are you--
I've never even met Cliff.

- You haven't?
I thought you had a date
with him yesterday.

- I don't believe this, Charles.
First you make
my life miserable,

and then you lie to me about it.
- Hey, I'm not lying to you.

- Seems like the only time
you're not lying to me

is when you're not
talking to me.

- Oh.

Well fine then, I guess
I'll stop talking to you.

- All right, Jamie,
I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.

If you need me,
I'll be in the basement.

- Charles?
Oh, I thought I heard
Charles in here.

I wanted him to do
something for me.

- He doesn't have time, Grandpa.
He's too busy wrecking my life.

You know, I'm so tired
of his constant interference.

I'm not going to stand for it
any longer.

- Jamie, Jamie, honey,
if you got a problem,

we're gonna find a solution.

- No, Grandpa,
I already have a solution.

Either Charles goes,
or I go.

♪♪

♪♪

- Jamie, are you saying that
if we don't fire Charles,

you're gonna run away
from home?

Now that's
a very serious threat.

- Sorry Grandpa,
but I'm really that desperate.

I mean, Charles may mean well,

but he's making my life
a nightmare.

If Charles stays, I'm leaving.

- Hi!
Guess what?

Charles helped me research
my term paper, and I got an "A!"

- See, he's wrecking
Sarah's life too!

Now Grandpa, when are you gonna
tell Charles to go?

- What do you mean, go?

- I mean,
if Grandpa doesn't fire Charles,
I'm leaving.

- Grandpa,
you can't fire Charles.

If he goes, I go.

- Hey Grandpa, you want
to watch the game with me?

- Not now, Adam,
your sisters are threatening
to leave home.

- Gee, and it's not even
my birthday!

- Jamie, your mother and I
hired Charles,

I think we'll know
when to fire him, okay?

- But Grandpa, you hired him
to take care of us.

- Well, you do have a point.

But Charles is here for
the benefit of
all three of you.

I think you three
should decide.

- Well, I say he goes.

- I say he stays.

- Well...

It looks like it's
your decision, Adam.

- My decision?

That's a first.
Nothing's ever been
my decision before.

- Okay, lizard lips,
what's it gonna cost me?

- Whatever she offers you,
I'll double it.

- For the first time in my life,
what I say counts for something.

I want to be fair.
I want to do the right thing.

I'm going to have
to study Charles.

I'm gonna have
to take notes.

I need more time.

- Very well, you can give us
your decision tomorrow.

- Hey, hi everybody.

- Oh, Charles,
I'm so sorry.

But remember,
it's always darkest
just before the dawn.

- What?

- Goodbye, Charles.
Have a nice life.

- What, what's going on?
- Don't talk to me, Charles.

I'm trying to be impartial.

- All right, Powell!

You've been following me.
Why?

- What makes you think
I've been following you?

- Because you've been
every place I've been

for the past
three hours, Adam.

And what's more,
you've been taking notes.
What for?

- Why am I taking notes?
- Yeah.

- Well, I had to write down
everywhere I've been,

so I'll know how
to get home.

- Fine, fine.
Play a little game, Adam.

But remember the old saying,
"He who follows his neighbor,

often gets a punch
in the notes."

[sighs]
Buddy...

My life is becoming that stuff
you find between your toes.

Peanuts?

- Yeah.
Peanuts.

- What's wrong, Charles?
Is Jamie still angry with you?

- No, it's...
[stammers]

If she gets any angrier, Buddy,
I'm going to have to hire
a food taster!

There's something weird going on
in the Powell house,

it's not only Jamie.

You know, Sarah,
all of a sudden,

is feeling sorry for me,

and Adam's been
following me around.

- Oh, bad sign, Charles.

I've noticed something
about the Powell family.

They're all related.

That makes you an outsider.
- Mm-hmm.

- What you need
is an insider.

So I'll tell you what.
You stay outside,

and I'll go inside.

- Hey, I've got a better idea.

I'll stay inside,
you go outside.

- Oh, Charles finally got
someone to clean the chimney.

[knocks]
Hello, hello, did you find out
what was blocking it?

[Buddy's voice,
speaking gibberish]

- Grandpa, isn't it about time

for Adam to cast his vote?

- Yes Jamie, I guess it is.

Adam, Sarah,
come on downstairs.

- You know, Jamie.

You still have time
to change your mind

about getting rid
of Charles.
I mean...

That's a heavy thing.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

But living with Charles
is m*rder.

- There's no way you can
tell Charles to leave!

It would k*ll him!

- So Adam, are you
voting with me,

or are you voting
with Sarah?

- I haven't made up
my mind yet,
I need more time.

I can't take this pressure.

- Just stop stalling
and vote.

- Jamie, this is
a very important decision.

Now if Adam feels
he needs more time,

I think he should take it.

- Thanks, Grandpa.
- Okay.

- You know, Adam,
I almost forgot.

I have an extra ticket
to the Bon Jovi concert.

- Don't let her
confuse you, Adam.

You have so much
on your mind,

you probably can't even
concentrate on
your school work.

That's why I've decided

I'm going to do
your English paper for you.

- Bon Jovi tickets?
English homework?

Oh, temptation.

No, my vote can't be bought.

- Well, wait, Adam,
you haven't heard

my last offer.

- Don't listen to her, Adam!
Listen to me!

- Guess Mr. Powell couldn't wait
to find another chimney sweep.

Hey, how you doing in there?

- [Buddy] Charles, I'm stuck.

- Buddy?

What are you...

- Hey, Charles!

- What are you doing?
- Charles!

This old boot was
clogging the chimney.

And there's something else
stuck up there.

- Buddy, you didn't have
to clean the chimney.

- Oh, Charles, that was a part
of my undercover operation.

When I go inside,
I really go inside,

And I'm glad I did.

Mr. Powell and the kids
just had a meeting.

- What about?

- I'm not sure,
but they used three words

that made me very suspicious.

"m*rder" and "k*ll."

- What was the third word?

- "Charles."

m*rder, k*ll, and Charles?

- Yeah, and if I were you
I wouldn't start reading
any long books.

- And if I were you,
I'd give up detective work

and take a job
as a speed bump.

- Fine, go ahead,
take me off the case.

But can you think
of a better way to find out

what's going on around here?

- I certainly can.
Jamie?

What's going on
around here?

- Why ask me?
Why don't you do
what you usually do.

Talk to Cliff Randall.

- Hey...

That's a good idea.

- Marci, do you know
anyone who cooks,

cleans,
is good with kids,
cares a lot about people,

and is willing to take
a lot of heat?

No, I can't hire Charles,
he's the one
I'm trying to replace.

Oh, I gotta go.

- Whoa, whoa,
hold on a second there, Jamie.

Cliff here has something
he wants to tell you.

Speak, Cliff.
- Uh...

Charles didn't tell me
to break up with you, Jamie.

- Well, then why did you?
- Well...

It's like I said.

From down here,
the stars look packed together,
but...

... in reality,
they're millions of miles apart.

- Yes, very good, Charles.
You know,

it'd be even more convincing
if Cliff sat on your lap

while you drank
a glass of water.

- Tell her, Cliff.

- No.
Jamie...

Those were his words,
but Charles didn't say them
to me.

I overheard him.

Now I'm sorry I ever did.

Hey, why don't we
go out tonight
and talk about it?

- Wait a minute, are you
saying you don't wanna
break up with me?

- Yeah, I guess that's
what I'm saying.

- There you go!
You see that, now,
you see that?

You guys are back
together again.

- Good, and now that
we're back together,

Cliff, I have something
to say to you.

See, relationships are like
stars in the sky.

One minute
they're shining brightly,

and the next minute,
they're sh**ting out the door.

- What are you doing?

- I'm doing what I wanted to do
three days ago, Cliff.

I'm breaking up with you.

- Really?

Thanks, Jamie.

- What is the matter with you?

If you wanted to break up
with Cliff,

why did you get
so mad when I...

Oh, oh, I get it,
you got mad

because it was
my suggestion, right?

- Well yeah, I mean
nobody likes to be told
what to do.

- Well, Jamie, everybody needs
to be told what to do
once in a while, okay?

Now, good advice is good advice.

What difference does it make
where it comes from?

- Okay, I'll admit
I was a little pig-headed.

But you have to understand,
Charles, I'm not a kid anymore.

You have to give me the room
to make my own mistakes.

- Fine.

Okay, I'll do that.
But...

If I see you walking toward
an open manhole, Jamie,

I'm still gonna yell,
"Look out!"

Deal?
- Deal.

- I'll drink to that.

- Okay, Jamie.
I made my decision.

I'm voting with Sarah.
You lose two to one.

- No, Adam,
I changed my mind.

I'm voting with Sarah, too.

That makes it unanimous.

- You mean...

You mean my vote meant nothing?

You mean-you mean
my decision was worthless?

You mean
it would've been settled,
no matter what I said?

You mean I'm back on the bottom
of the food chain again?

- Of course,
it's where you belong.

- What are you guys
voting on?

- Oh, nothing.

- Kid stuff.

- Charles, I've been giving it
a lot of thought, and, uh...

Well, I think
I was partially responsible
for your problem with Jamie.

- Oh, Mr. Powell,
problem solved.

- Oh, it is?
Oh, good, good, good.

- Charles?
I've finally figured out

who the real villain is
in this sordid affair.

His name is...
Walter Powell!

Don't try to stop me, Charles.

Wallace, this time
you've gone too far.

Only a despotic demagogue
would try and tell Jamie

who she should run around with.

And only a despicable dictator

would try and get Charles to do
his dirty work for him.

- Buddy, you're tap dancing
across a mine field...

- No, no, Charles.

Buddy is right.

Absolutely right.
I was wrong.

And I will never interfere
with anyone's right

to choose their friends.

And if I ask you
to do it for me,

I want you to refuse.

- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.

Now get rid of your friend
before I throw you both
out of here!

♪♪

- Okay, Charles, there you go.

Now Mr. Powell can have
his roaring fire after all.

- Thanks for cleaning
the chimney, Buddy,
you've been a big help.

- Oh, my pleasure.

- Charles, I won't be home
for dinner tonight.

I have a big date.

- With Cliff?
- No, with Daniel.

I mean, why restrict myself
to one boy?

- Jamie...

I'm proud of you, kid.

You took some advice
and you made good by it.

Now I want you
to go out there

and I want you to have
the best time you've ever had

in your whole life.

- Thanks Buddy,
that's really sweet of you.
- I'm a sweet guy.

- Jamie, don't you think
you should change
before you leave?

- See, there you go
again, Charles.

Don't tell me how to dress.

This outfit happens
to be the latest thing.

- Okay.

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]