05x11 - Daffy Doc

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

- Yeah, listen, Wendy, I...

I know that you're dying
to see me,

and I know that you're
gonna be heartbroken but,

I'm not gonna be able
to see you tonight.

This is Charles.

Charles.

Yeah.

No, no, no, I have to finish
my Psychology term paper.

You see, I have to analyze
three people.

One normal, one neurotic,
and one psychotic.

And I figure, I'd use myself
as a normal person,

so that gives me one
out of three.

- Charles, Sarah is
driving me crazy.

- Make that two out of three.

Wendy, I'll talk to you
later, bye!

Now... Jamie,
why don't you sit down
right over here,

relax,
take a deep breath,

and tell me
what exactly is it that
Sarah's doing,

that brings out
your paranoid tendencies?

- No, it's what
she doesn't do.

See, all of a sudden,
she isn't talking to anyone.

If she comes home,
and I'm in our bedroom,

she goes into her closet,

and doesn't come out
until I leave.

- Would you say that everyone
in the house is crazy,
except you?

- No, just Sarah.
- Aha!

- Jamie!
Jamie, I followed Sarah
after school.

- Yeah, where'd she go?

- Well, she went to
the library.

But she's not studying.

She's just sitting there,
staring at the wall.

- Aha!

- Hello kids, is Sarah home yet?

- No, she's at the library.
Reading wallpaper.

- Oh... Well I need someone
who can sew a few buttons
on for me.

- Uh, excuse me,
I have to wash my hair.

- Well, Charles, I hate
to interrupt you
with your trivial pursuits,

but I need someone
who can sew.
- Sew what?

- "So what?"
I tell you my problem
and you say "So what?"

What kind of an attitude
is that?

Oh, Sarah, Sarah!

Can you sew a few buttons
on my trousers?

- What's the point, Grandpa?

- Well, the point is to keep me
from getting arrested
for indecent exposure.

- Sarah...

Who do you feel the need
to escape from reality?

- I don't.
There is no escape, Charles.

There's only
the silent procession
of lost souls

marching on the treadmill
of conformity.

- That's what
I was gonna say.

- What is the matter
with that girl?

- I don't know, Mr. Powell,
I'll talk to her.

But first, I have to find
a psychotic.

[cap p*stol sh**ting]

- Buenos tacos, enchiladas!

[more cap shots]

Señor Adam.
Señor Charles.

Señor Citizen.

- You know, Lembeck,
we have a lot in common.

I've lost my buttons,
and you've lost your marbles.

- Nice hat, Buddy.

- Did you finish your
Psychology term paper?

- Oh, first things
first, Charles.

Tonight's Mexican Fiesta Night
down at the sorority.

- Well, Buddy, you don't
have time to party.

If you fail this course,
they're gonna boot you
out of school.

- Oh, really...
- Yeah.

- Have you done your
Psych paper yet?

- Yes.
Almost.

I still have to find
a psychotic.

- Okay, as usual,
it's old Buddy to the rescue.

I'll fake insanity
and you can use me
as your psychotic.

- Buddy, weren't you paying
attention in class?

Everybody wanted to use you.

Professor Irwin said we couldn't
because you were too obvious.

Hey, listen, I'm telling you,
if you flunk this course,

there's not gonna be
any more sorority parties.

- Gee, Charles,
I never thought of it that way.

Okay,
I'll do my psychology paper.
- Good.

- But first, it's fiesta time!

Vaya con carne, Menudo!

Hasta la pasta!

Burrito, Toledo, mosquito!

[doorbell]

- Charles, you said
you were gonna help Sarah.

Have you done it yet?
- Well, now, I'm trying to,
Jamie.

She locked herself
in the bathroom.

How can I help her
if she won't talk to me?

- Well, if she talked to you,
then she wouldn't need help.

That's why you gotta talk
to her.

I'll see if I can get her
out of the bathroom.
- Okay.

[doorbell]
- Charles!
- Yeah?

- Are you busy?
- I'm, uh, talking to Sarah.

- I don't quite know
how to say this, Charles,

but Sarah's not in the room.

- I'm not talking to her
right now,

I was answering the door.

- Really?
What'd the door say?

- It said ding-dong.
- Ding-dong.

That's a
very good imitation, Charles.

Now do an imitation
of "employee"

and sew some buttons
on my trousers!

- Oh, Mom, I'm sorry!
- Oh, hiya, sweetheart.

Hi, listen, I need someone
to keep an eye on the diner,

are you busy?
- Yeah, I'm real busy, Mom.

Something's bothering Sarah,
Buddy's bothering me,

I've gotta finish
my Psychology term--

Do you know any psychotics?
- No.

Well, uh...
Just your Uncle Donald.

- I didn't know I had
an Uncle Donald.

- Well, we tried to keep him
away from you
when you were growing up.

He thinks he's a duck.

- A duck?

- When he used to say he felt
"a little down in the mouth,"

we thought he just meant
he was unhappy.

Then he stopped taking showers
because he said the water
ran off his back.

- That's incredible.
Where can I find him?

- Huh.
Nobody knows.

He was out in Long Island
until last September,

and then Winter came.

- Yeah?

- He flew south.

- Charles, it's no use.
I can't get her to come out.

Hey, Aunt Lillian.
- Hi.

- What's wrong, Charles?

- I have an uncle named Donald
who's a duck.

- Charles, Charles!
Hi, Jamie.
Hi, Aunt Lillian.

I've been thinking over
what you said about
not getting my degree,

so I'm going
to a mental institution.

- Buddy, darling?

I don't think you can
get a degree
from a mental institution.

- Buddy can.
They'll probably even give him
a scholarship.

[laughs]

- Jamie, no, I'm talking about
my girlfriend, Nurse Bennett.

She's going to set me up
with Dr. Clay down
at the psychiatric hospital,

and he's going to loan me
some of his case histories.

But there's one problem,
my car's in the shop.

Do you think you can
drop me off,
and pick me up later?

- Fine.
Anything to get you
through college.

- Charles, Jamie says
that you think
I'm losing my mind.

- Oh, no, no, Sarah.

I just know that something
is bothering you,

and I wanna help you.
I think we should talk about it.

- No, Charles,
if you really wanna help,

don't talk to me about anything.

- Well, I can see you
have your hands full.

I'll see you later, okay.
Bye!

- Okay, bye Mom.
- You know Charles,
I think your mom's right.

Don't worry about taking me
to the hospital.

After all, I don't have
to graduate from college.

- Yes, you do, Buddy.

Look, Sarah,
I'll be back in a few minutes.
When I get back,

We'll talk about...

Not talking.
Okay, don't go away.
Come on.

♪♪

- Hi, which one of you guys
is Dr. Clay?

- Buddy, ix-nay.
They're not doctors,
they're patients.

- You know these guys?

- No, I just know that doctors
don't wear pajamas.

- You mean they sleep
in the nude?

What is that,
some sort of a health thing
that they learn?

- Now you gentleman know
you don't belong in here.

Let's go for a nice walk
out in the garden.

All the nice flowers...

- [clears throat]
Hey.

- Mr. Lembeck?
Dr. Clay will be with you
in a moment.

- Whoa!
- Buddy, Buddy!

Hey, leave her alone.

You're here to do research.
Sit down.
- I was doing research, Charles.

If doctors don't wear pajamas,
I want to find out
what nurses don't wear.

- [German accent]
Mr. Lembeck?

I'm Dr. Clay.

I understand you're doing
some research in
abnormal psychology.

- Yes sir, we're just looking
for a few good nuts.

- We don't call them that.

- Well, then how do they know
when to come to dinner?

- [clears throat]
Hi!
I'm, uh...

I'm his driver,
how long will he be?

- Well, he shouldn't be
too long.

Maybe he could give you a call
when he's ready to go.

- All right, all right.
Call me.

- Please, Mr. Lembeck.
Sit down.

Now, I think these files
will cover just about

any mental aberration
that you could ask for.

You are majoring
in Psychology?

- Well, actually, I'm majoring
in Political Science.

But my real interest lies
in Astronomy,

especially since
I started receiving

telepathic signals
from the planet Zargon.

- Zargon.

That's very interesting.

Please, tell me more.

- Well, as you know,
Zargon is a lot like Denver,

only they have
a better football team.

- [chuckles]

Go on, go on.
Please.

- Well, the men...

[winces]

- Hi, honey, I'm home!

- Don't be cute, Charles.
- Sorry, sir, I couldn't resist.

Well, I got Buddy
all squared away.

Now all I have to do
is talk to Sarah,

and finish my Psychology
term paper.

[phone rings]
I'll get it.

Hello?

Hey Buddy, what's happening?

The interview's over already?
How'd it go?

Oh great.
I'll be down in a few minutes
to pick you up.

Why don't you want me to come
pick you up?
How will you get home?

- I'm not going home, Charles!

They decided to keep me here!

Help me!

Help me!

- Well, wait a minute.
You're telling me they can
stick my friend

in a mental hospital
just because they want to?

[stammers]
Look, if you're not gonna do
anything about it, I will!

- What else did the lawyer say?

- He said, legally, they can
keep Buddy for observation.

Now Buddy told me they're
giving him some kind of
psychiatric examination

this afternoon, Mr. Powell.
I'd better go down there
to be with him.

I'll be gone
for about an hour,

and when I get back,
I'll talk to Sarah.

- Now, don't worry
about Sarah.

She may be moody, but she
doesn't need a psychiatrist.

- Neither does Buddy.
They'll ask him a few questions,
then they'll have to let him go.

- Unless he answers them.

- Listen Buddy,
now the doctor's gonna
come in here,

he's gonna ask you
a couple of questions,
all right?

Now, be careful what you say,
but don't worry.

If you get too far out,

I'll be here to tell him
what you mean.

- Do you people know
why you're here?

- Yeah, we're here to see--

Hey.

Hey, I know you.

You're Stanley Willard.

I'm Charles,
this is Buddy Lembeck.

He's the bank loan officer
that cancelled my student loan,
remember?

- Yeah, and then you were
the student guidance counselor

that told Charles to quit school
and go into the pickle business.

- And now, after years
of hard work,

I'm a psychiatrist.
What are you?

- I'm an inmate.

- What about you, Charles?

- Still a college student.

- Amazing.
I've gone from bank officer
to psychiatrist.

Lembeck has gone
from college student
to mental patient.

We've both made progress.

Where did you
go wrong, Charles?

- I didn't go wrong.
And Buddy's not
a mental patient.

He's here for some kind
of sanity hearing,
but he's not insane.

- I'll be the judge of that.

Sit down, gentlemen.

Tell me, Lembeck...

Do you ever dream about...
Snakes?

- No, I usually dream
about fish.

- You see, he dreams about
eating fish.

Loves seafood.

- Yeah, and sometimes I dream
that the fish are eating me.

It kind of restores
the balance of nature.

- This is so fascinating,
I may faint.

What else do you
dream about, Lembeck?

- Well, twice a week,
I dream that I'm a beetle.

- See...

He feels sorry for insects,
and all that sympathy builds up,

until he actually dreams
that he is one.

- I never dream I'm an insect.
- You just said, you dream
you're a beetle.

- I do!
Sometimes I'm Paul,
sometimes I'm Ringo.

But I'm never George,
I can't remember
what he looks like.

You see, he means the Beatles,
the singing group.

- I know what he means, Charles.

What I don't know,
is why you thought he dreamed
he was an insect.

- Yeah...

- Well, I thought he might.

See, he has, uh...

He has this ant farm, and, uh,
he's very fond of his ants,

He even talks to them.

- I don't talk to ants.

- You do too.
What about
your favorite ant, "Arlo?"

- I don't have an Aunt Arlo.
I have an Uncle Arlo.

- You also have
an ant named Arlo.
I've even talked to him.

- You talk to this ant?

- Yes.

But not a lot, you know.

Usually just say,
"Hi Arlo, how's it going?"

But I don't carry on
any prolonged conversations
with the ant.

- Lucky break for the ant.

Lembeck?

I may think you're a total
waste of space,

but I don't want you wasting
any more space in my hospital.

I want you to go home,
and never come back.

- You mean he can leave?
- I not only mean it
I insist upon it.

Come along Lembeck,
I'll conduct you
to your clothes.

- All right, I got Buddy
taken care of.

Now I can concentrate on Sarah
and my psychology term paper.

- Charles?
- Yeah?

- Lembeck tells me
you're thinking
of driving him home.

I'd rather you didn't.
It might not be safe.

- What?

- I'm keeping you here
for observation.

[sound of doors locking]

- Hey.

Hey.
Hey, come on.

Come on,
I'm not dangerous.

Let me out of here,
or I'll rip your lips off!

- I have to call the police!

This is an emergency!

How do you spell 9-1-1?

- Lembeck?

- What is going on?
- Buddy, they let you out?

- Yeah, but they
let Charles in.

- They let Charles in what?
- The psychiatric ward.

They let me go,
and they kept Charles.
- What?

- Isn't that like
eating the shell
and throwing away the nut?

- Grandpa, you've got to call
a lawyer.

- No, no, Charles tried that.
The lawyer said that legally,

they can hold
anybody for observation.

- But there's nothing wrong
with Charles!
- All right, now...

Let's not get excited.
Look.

Charles has been under
a lot of pressure lately.

I mean, earlier today,

I caught him talking
to the door.

- Yeah, and he told me
his uncle was Donald Duck.

- Wow, Huey, Dewey, Louie,
and Screwy.

- I don't believe this.
For shame on you!

You're supposed to be
his friends.

We're not talking about
some disturbed stranger.

We're talking about Charles.

- You're absolutely right.

- Of course I'm right.

Why, Charles is no more
crazier than I am.

- Listen, I think we'd better
tell Aunt Lillian the bad news,

and then figure out
how we can help Charles.
Come on.

- Oh Buddy, we don't have time
to wait for Grampa
to figure something out.

You've got to get Charles
out of that hospital right now.

- I know, I've got to get
Charles home, so he can

finish his term paper
and solve your problem.

- Oh, nobody can solve
my problem, Buddy.

I'm not like anybody else.

Every time I talk to my friends,
I realize how different I am,

so I just decided
to stop talking.

Maybe I am losing my mind.

- No, first of all, Sarah,

you're not supposed to be
like anybody else.

You see, because people...

People are like corn flakes.

No two of them are the same.

- Aren't you thinking
of snow flakes?

- No, I never eat snow flakes
with my breakfast.

They always melt in my milk.

- What I meant was
no two snow flakes are alike.

- Really?

Well, well then--
snow flakes are like
corn flakes,

and people are like corn flakes.

Some of them are just flakier
than others.

- Now I know I'm losing my mind.

- No, Sarah,
you're not losing it,
you're just wasting it

worrying about why you're not
like all the other corn flakes

instead of being grateful for
how different we all are.

- Buddy, that makes sense!

You just solved my problem.

- I did?
- Yeah!

- Good for me!

Well enough of this logic.
I gotta get Charles out of that
psychiatric hospital.

- I have faith in you, Buddy.

If you can solve my problem,

I know you can
solve Charles' problem.

- What is Charles' problem?

- He's in
a psychiatric hospital.

- Right, and I've got
to get him out.

- Well, how are you gonna do it?

- With my
three favorite weapons:

Deception,
superior intelligence,

and a total misunderstanding
of reality.

Yeah...

- Crazy, am I?
Hah!

They think they have
the upper hand now,

but soon the shoe will be
on the other hand.

I'm not even gonna
hurt that fly.

[loud banging]

Buddy!

How'd you get in here?

- I have a friend
in the fire department!

- And he loaned you
a company ladder?

- No,
I borrowed Mr. Powell's ladder,

and my friend
in the fire department
taught me how to climb it.

- Well, what are these guys
doing here?

- Well, they thought I was
breaking out,
so they followed me.

- Didn't you tell them
you were breaking in?

- I tried, Charles, but
"in" and "out" is
a tough concept

for people who
eat butterflies.

- Are you kidding me,
I've got enough material
for my essay.

Let's get out of this joint--
Ow!

Go out through the window,
there's people in the hallway.

- Well, there's people
in the window too!
- So what, so what!

Go down.
Hurry up, come on.

- Lembeck!

- Busted.

- I thought I sent you home.
- You did.

But you forgot
to send me with him.
I don't belong in here.

- Then why don't you leave?
- Look, there is
nothing wrong with--

Wait a minute.
Are you saying I can go?

- I'm saying
I couldn't care less.

I'm no longer
with the hospital.

The White House just called.

I've been chosen
by the President

to be
the new Secretary of State.

- What's going on in here?

Mr. Willard, we've been
looking for you.

It's time for your medication.

- Charles, call the White House.

Tell them
I'm being held prisoner.

And tell President Nixon
to be very careful.

This Watergate thing
could blow sky high.

- Come along, Mr. Willard.

- I can't believe it.
Stanley Willard is a patient?

- Yes, the poor man couldn't
get promoted quickly enough.

So he began mentally
promoting himself...

... right out of reality.

- Well, at least he was
sane enough to know
that I was sane.

- Oh!
Mr. Lembeck, we've been looking
for you also!

- Just follow me, Mr. Lembeck.
Everything's going to be
all right.

- Oh, hey, all right,
now hold it right there!

Now listen.

Mental illness is
a very serious thing.

You know, you doctors should
devote more time

to people who need help,

and less time to people
like Buddy

who just have
overactive imaginations.

There's nothing wrong with him!

- I'm an excellent driver.

- Yes, yes, I know that.

See, he may march
to a different drummer,
but he gets there just the same.

- And sometimes
I don't even march.

Sometimes I drive my car.

I'm an excellent driver.
- Don't push it.

- Charles?
- Yes?

- Are you willing to assume

total responsibility
for this person?

- Absolutely.

- That'll be all, Nurse.

All right, he's all yours.

But if I were you, I wouldn't
let him out of my sight.

- Don't worry, Doc.
I'll watch him like a hawk.

Let's go, Buddy.

Buddy?

Buddy?

[nervous laugh]

Buddy?

Watch your head!

Buddy!

- [laughs]
I love this job!

♪♪

- Ah, Sarah.
- Charles, they let you out!

- Yeah, only because I wasn't
as crazy as my doctor.

But enough about me.
Let's talk about you
and your problem, okay?

- I don't have a problem.
Buddy cleared it up for me.

But thanks for worrying
about it.

- Oh.
How'd you fix her problem?

- Well, Charles,
I told her my little story

about the birds,
and the bees,
and the corn flakes.

Only I left out the part
about the birds and the bees.
You wanna hear it?

No, thank you.
I have to finish
my Psych term paper.

- Oh, no you don't.
I've got Dr. Clay's case
histories

in the trunk of my car.
I'll split them with you.

- Oh, great!
I've got Sarah taken care of,

I've got my Psych final aced,
we're free!

- Yeah, what do you
wanna do now?

- What do I wanna do?

Buddy, Buddy,
how quickly you forget!

It's Mexican Fiesta Night
down at the sorority house!

- Yeah!

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]