05x12 - Buddy Flips a Disc

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there
just to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪♪

[♪♪]

[Charles]
Look, Mom.
I know that you're nervous

about this city restaurant
inspector coming down here,

but you don't have to--
- Why should I be nervous?

The worst thing he can do
is close me down

and ruin what's left
of my miserable life.

Mom, he's not gonna
close you down, okay?

Now, look,
with so much on your mind.

Why don't you call
the radio station

and why don't you cancel
this-this Disc Jockey for a Day
Radio Contest.

I can't cancel it.

If I cancel the broadcast,
what if it turned out

that you were the winner?
How would you feel?

I wouldn't even enter
the stupid contest!

Mom, only
an insane exhibitionist

would wanna be
a disc jockey for a day.

Charles, I'm gonna be
a disc jockey for a day!

I won the radio contest, look!

Oh, Buddy.
That-that's wonderful!
- It is, unbelievable.

Yeah, just think.
Tomorrow morning at this time,

I'll be broadcasting live
from this diner.

Yes, if the city inspector
doesn't close it down.

Close it down?
Close it down?

I can't do my radio show
if they close it down.

He's not gonna close it down.

Now, relax, Buddy.

All you have to worry about
is what you gonna do
on your radio show.

Well, I'm just gonna do
what all the other DJs do.

Spin a few records,

and make a few cynical,
suggestive, incredibly
hip comments.

[Charles]
Well.

Buddy, read the small print.
It says you can only play
four records an hour.

You have to fill up the rest
of the time with talk.

Talk?
Talk!

I can't talk on the radio
for three hours by myself.

You'll have to be
my guest star, Charles.

I'll spin the records
and you handle the talk.

Buddy, I don't do
public speaking, okay?

Besides, it says you can play
four records an hour,

that means
you only have to talk
for about, uh,

What, about 135 minutes?

Buddy, hey!

Buddy, you all right?

Everybody's so tall.

Come on.
You okay?

Huh?

Yeah, Charles.

I-I-I dreamt that I won
the Disc Jockey
for a Day Contest

and then you told me
I had to talk for 135 minutes.

A-and then I fainted.
And you woke me up,

and you said "Buddy.
Buddy, are you okay?"

And-and-and then I said--
- Cut!

No, I don't remember saying cut.

Okay, sweetie, relax.
Relax.

Buddy, is gonna be okay.

Remember, the main rule
in life is "Don't panic."

I'm the city inspector.

[all screaming]

Hi, I-I'm Charles.

Greetings, I'm Leonard Griffin.
- Oh, of course you are.

Um, this is my mom,
the-the proprietor of this
unbelievably clean diner.

May she take you
on a guided tour
through our spotless kitchen?

Oh, no, no.

I'm supposed
to be alone during
my restaurant inspections.

My restaurant is gonna
fail inspection.

My mouth is gonna fail
the radio show!

Thats--
Hey, come on!

You guys,
y-you have to think positively.

Now, Mom,
you're gonna pass
this inspection

with flying colors,
okay?

And Buddy, you'll get
a couple of guest stars
for your radio show

and I'll be a gigantic hit.

Doodlebug.

You're right.
- I'm right.

I'm so crazy.

I feel better now.
I feel--

Me, too.
I feel, "Why did I ever worry?"

That's more like it.
You see that?

Okay, I-I gotta go to class.

So I want you guys to remember
to think positively!

I'm doomed.

[quieter]
I'm doomer.

Charles,
I couldn't find any guest stars
for my radio show,

you'll have to do it.

Buddy, please.
I told you,
I don't wanna be on the radio.

H-Help me!

Help me!

Help, help, help!
- Okay, fine!

Buddy, I'll tell you what.

I will try to get you
a couple of guest stars, okay?

Oh, hi.
Want a candy bar?

But--
Sarah, I thought you
didn't believe in eating sugar.

I don't, but I need to
put on some weight.

A candy bar's not the right way
to gain weight.

But let me make you
a nice, tuna sandwich, okay?

Well, I wouldn't mind
having a little albacore.

[scoffs]
That's really dumb, Sarah.

Apple cores
don't come from fish.

They come from apples.

Albacore, Buddy.

Albacore is the only tuna
you should eat.

They catch them
with fishing poles.

The other tuna
are caught in big nets

that k*ll thousands
of dolphins every year.

That-that's absolutely right.
You know...

It's too bad
you can't tell the whole world
how you feel.

You know, because,
your little speeches
are always very informative.

And they take up lots of time.

Charles is right, Sarah.

You should write
a letter to the editor.

No, you see,
I-I was thinking more
of the radio, Buddy.

You see?
[clears throat]

Sarah.

Buddy won
the Disc Jokey
For a Day Contest,

and he would love
to have you on as a guest.

Now, if you asked him real nice,
he might say yes.

Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Buddy,
I'd love to be
on your radio show.

May I?

Well...

Okay, but I can only give you
an hour or so.

That'll be perfect.

I thank you,
and the world will thank you.

There it is,
one tuna sandwich for you.

Get out.

Did you hear that, Charles?

You were right.
I don't need help
finding guest stars.

I'm doing it on my own.

Good Lord, I'm brilliant!

I'm gonna get Mr. Powell
to be on my show.

He can talk
to the older listeners
about things like:

false teeth,

and uh, flappy gums,

and nose hair.

Buddy.
Buddy!

Buddy, you can't ask Mr. Powell
to talk about nose hair.

He'll hang you by the--
- Shh!

Judy, what you need
is some dating advice.

If a guy breaks a date
with you on a Saturday,

you can't make up for it
with one during the week.

He's gonna have to
take you out twice
during the week

to make up
for one Saturday night.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Bye.

You know, Buddy,
I-I gotta tell you something.

Jamie's really got
this dating down to a science.

And it's-it's really sad,
and-and it hurts me that--

that more people
can't benefit
from her expertise.

Charles is right, Jamie.

You should write a book.

Yes, and you should
shave your head

and rent it out
as a billboard space.

I don't have to.
I have my own radio show.

Wow!
What an idea, Buddy.

What a shock!

Jamie, listen to me.

You know, um,
Buddy's hosting the radio show
down at the diner

and he would love
to have you as a guest.

Now just think,

you could help
thousands of young people

by giving them
dating advice.

What do you say?

Okay.
- Okay.

I did it again!

Yeah, Charles.

I'm telling ya,
the old Budster is on a roll.

You know, all I have to do now,
is nail Mr. Powell.

Quit while you're ahead,
Budster.

Don't worry, Charles.

I can play Walter Powell
like a violin.

Well, rosin on the bow
and away we go.

Play me, Lembeck.

Yo, Wall-babe.

So I'm gonna be on the air
in the morning.

Well, in that case,
I'll quit breathing.

Buddy, Buddy, Sarah told me
about your radio show.

Can I be on it?
- Doing what?

Well, there are
a lot of kids out there

who neglect their school work
the way I used to do it.
[Charles] Yeah?

I can help them.

How about it, Buddy?

Well, how long would it take?

Um, about forty minutes?

Welcome to my show!

Thanks, Buddy.

Charles.
- Hi, Mom.

The Inspector said
I have the cleanest diner
he ever saw...

[Charles] Oh, see I told you.
[Lillian stuttering]
but tomorrow,

he's coming back
for the structural inspections.

[sobbing]
He's gonna find something wrong.

Mom.

Okay, okay.
Ah.

All right, listen, Mom.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

I'll go down there
and check all the wiring
myself, okay?

And I'll help you, Charles.

Don't worry, Aunt Lillian.

What does this city inspector
know about wiring, anyway?

He says
he has an Engineering degree.

An Engineering degree?

He thinks he knows how
to spot an electrical problem,

because he knows
how to drive a train?

What a maroon!

Okay, the station
has your list of tapes.

You just point to me
when you wanna play a tune.

Now, when I give you the signal,
it'll mean you're on the air.

It'll mean thousands of people
will be hearing your voice.

[grunts in pain]

It'll mean the end of radio
as we know it.

Excuse me.
I'll be back in time
for the disaster.

Hey!
Buddy, how's it going?

It's gone, Charles.

I'm supposed to be on the air
in less than an hour
and the kids aren't here yet.

Just relax.
Relax.

They'll be here, okay.
- Sweetheart, sweetheart.

You can tell me the truth.

We're in serious trouble,
aren't we?
- No, no, Mom.

I checked the whole place out.
It's perfect.

Oh, good.
I feel so much better.
- Good.

I'm here
for the structural inspection.

[Lillian and Buddy
scream]

Why do they keep doing that?

Well, uh,
that's a pre-inspection chant.
[inspector] Is it?

They feel that
it brings them luck.

Goodbye, little diner.

Goodbye, radio career.

Ah, Buddy.
You see that, Sarah's here.

Yeah, but Jamie and Adam
had to stay after school today,

so they said you'll have to do
your radio show without them.

Oh, no.

Mom!
Come on, come on.

[Charles and Lillian]
Buddy, Buddy.

[Charles and Lillian
talking over each other]

On the esquina, sit down here.
- Here you go, come on.
Esquina here.

Charles.

You missed it.

I was on the radio.

I was great.

No, no, Buddy.
You weren't on the radio.

You were dreaming.
You haven't done your show yet.

[inspector]
Greetings.

I finished the inspection.

Already?
Yes, and I have terrible news.

I'm closing this place down.

[Lillian and Buddy
scream]

I-In case you didn't hear that:

[screams]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Fine, well,
tell us what they want,
and we'll fix them.

Please, this place is my life.

There must be something
we can do.

All right,
I'll go take a look at it.

But don't get your hopes up.

You hear that, Mom,
he's gonna go take another look.

Okay?
- Yes, and then,

he'll close it down.

Hey.
Buddy.

Snap out of it,
you got a radio show to do.

I have no show.

I have no guest stars.

I have no life.
- Yes, you do.

I just talked to Mr. Powell,
he's gonna go pick up
the kids at school.

They could still be here
in time.

It'll be too late.
- No, it won't.

Yes, it will.
It's showtime.

Five, four, three...

[Charles] Hey, here comes
the cavalry, Buddy.

[Bernie]
You're on the air.

Good morning, New Jersey!

This is your old buddy,
Buddy Lembeck,

broadcasting live
from the Yesterday Cafe,

where history
and hits are made in the shade

fact
and that's the fact, Jack.

That's the deal, Neil.

That's the truth, Ruth.

Woo!
Stop me before I rhyme again.

I got songs.
I got rhythm.

I got goodies for you, kiddies.

I got a whole family
of humanoids

that are willing to speak
to you in their native tongue.

But first, let's blow out
our ears with some sounds.

Crank up the volume
and listen to
"Yank My Choke Chain"

by Baron Wasted.

Woo-hoo!

Breathe, Buddy, breathe.

That was incredible.

Sure Charles,
but what am I gonna do
when the record's over?

What?
Come on, more of the same.

I can't do any more.

Those were all the words
that I know.

I used up my whole vocabulary.
- All right, look.

Just don't panic.
I'll go get one
of your guest stars, okay?

All right, who's on first?

Charles, this is no time for
Abbott and Costello routines.

If Lembeck makes fools
out of my grandchildren,

you'll pay for this.

Well, I'm the oldest.
Let me go first.

Okay, come on.
There you go.

Who are you?
[Charles] Bud--

You're on the air!

Your Uncle Buddy is back.

Okay, guys and gals,
let's have some dating tips
with Jamie Powell.

Whip it on us, Jamie.

How do you dump a guy
without breaking his heart,

humph, doll?
- I don't.

A guy only
gets his heart broken

when he takes a woman
for granted.

Relationships should be
a 50/50 partnership

where the woman
makes the rules.

So remember that, girls.

First, break his spirit

and you'll never have to
break his heart.

Hey, all right.

Well, if any of you
sex maniacs out there

wanna talk to Jamie
on the air,

give us a call
at 555-7895.

[phone rings]
Hey, that was fast.

We have our first caller.

Okay, you're on the air
with Jamie.

[caller]
Hi, Jamie.
My name is Cheryl.

I work at The House of Shoes,
in the mall.

Well, a really cute guy
came in this morning,

and I wanted to meet him,

but we're having
the store-wide clearance sale
with up to 80% off,

so I was really busy.

Anyway--
- 80% off?!

You know, I think your problem
needs personal attention.

I'll be right there.

And put aside
everything you have
in a size five.

Okay, that was dating tips
with Jamie.

And now, here's...
And now, here's...

Here's Adam.
- Here's Adam.

Hello, friends.

Adam Powell here
with some thoughts on a subject

that's near and dear
to my heart...

... school.

How many times
have you gotten in trouble
for not doing your homework?

Would you like to receive A's
when you really deserve D's?

Yes, friends, there are secrets
to getting through school

and those secrets can be yours.

Just sent one dollar to me,
Adam Po--

[Charles]
Buddy, turn on a record.

We interrupt this commercial
to bring you some rock'n'roll!

Okay, here's
The Cannibalistics

with their newest hit,
"Love Makes Me Sweat."

Do not solicit money
on the radio.
It's ill*gal.

It is?
- Yes!

Well, there's no reason
for me to be here, then.

Good luck, Buddy.

I'm losing my guests.

I can't talk
on the radio, Charles.
- Ju-ju-just relax, Buddy.

I'll go get Sarah,
she's your other guest, okay?

But first, I gotta find out
how my mom's doing
with the inspection.

Ad-lib something.
- I didn't rehearse any ad-libs.

You're on the air!

Yo, bro.
I'm back with the show.
So let's go with the flow.

You know, it's amazing
how many of you guys out there
don't know how to tie a tie.

Well, your Uncle Buddy
is gonna show you.

Mom, look, look.

What did the Inspector say?

Well, he says he thinks
there may be a way
that we can save the diner.

All right.
- He's in the kitchen,
making notes.

Let me know as soon
as you hear anything.

Grandpa, why is Buddy
tying a tie on radio?

Probably 'cause he doesn't
know how to tie his shoes.

All right, Sarah, ready to go
on the air?

Oh, I am ready, Charles!

I have so much to say
and so little time
to say it!

I have a lot to talk about!
I just want to talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk!

How many candy bars
have you had today?

Counting breakfast, 47.

It's called a sugar rush, Sarah.

Okay, let's get you
on the radio, and then
let's get you home, okay?

Okay, then you put
the big end through the loop,

and you pull like th--
[choking]

[gasps]

All right, now just
introduce Sarah.

But enough of these
tired old chokes!

Here's Sarah Powell
with some inspiring words
on life.

You know what bugs me?
The use of animals
for experiments.

And what about the ozone layer?
We're destroying our air,

our pollution is getting
into outer space!

We're probably k*lling
innocent aliens
on other planets!

Hey, that's a real downer.
But seriously...

What's really
on your mind, Sarah?

My stomach.
I'm going to throw up.

And aren't we glad
we're not on television.

Okay children, here's
"Let's Have a Baby"

by Dental Floss.

Charles.
- Oh, what?

The inspector told me
how I can save my business.

Oh great, what is it?
- Pay him 2,000 dollars.

What?

Oh, you see that, Mom?
I knew there was nothing
wrong with this diner.

Of all the hard-working
city employees in this town,

we got to get stuck
with one that's a crook.

Don't pay him a penny.

Just stall him until I can
think of something, okay?
- Okay.

Buddy, what happened to Sarah?

She's sick.
And I'm sicker.

Yo, Captain Numb!
You're on the air!

Your Uncle Buddy is back!

But first, sports fans,
let's say hello
to my good friend,

Charles!

Take it away, Charles!

Hey.

All right.

Radio.

The, The Buddy Lembeck Show.

Yes sir.

Let the good times roll.

Back to you, Buddy.
- Hey, what a blast,

sittin' and rappin'
with my friend Charles!

As a matter of fact,
let's call this segment

"Rappin' with Charles!"

[beat boxing ♪]

[rapping]
♪ My name is Buddy
and I'm here to play ♪

♪ all of your
favorite songs today ♪

♪ Goin' to rock and sock
you boys and girls ♪

♪ but first say hello
to my friend Chirls. ♪

[beat boxing continues ♪]

Uh...

♪ I'd like to stay
but I gotta go ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
on the radio ♪

[beat boxing continues ♪]

♪ Thanks for asking,
but I think I'll pass ♪

♪ 'cause I don't want
to fall on my...

[beat boxing stops]

Ear.

Okay, well, here's a tune
that's climbing the charts.

The Sore Heads,

singing their big hit,

"Gargle This."

Don't ever do that
to me again!

Charles, this is great!
I'm beginning to like it.

It's power, man.

People all over the city
are dwelling on our every word.

Yeah, fine, let them dwell
on your words, Buddy.
I don't want to be a...

Hey.
Hey, that's it.

Hang on a second.
Hey, listen, Bernie,
do you have a,

a small, little wireless mic
that I can use on the air?

Yeah, sure, if it'll keep
your friend off the air.
- Great.

Stand by.
Listen, Buddy.

I want to go back on the air
right after this record, okay?

Oh, you don't have to, Charles.
I'm not afraid anymore.
You were right.

I'm a hit!
I'm a deejay!

Yeah, yeah, fine.
Listen, can you see
the mic?

Oh, it's in, yeah.
- All right, listen.

Listen, I just need
two minutes, okay?

Two minutes.
I'll be in the kitchen.

Wait--you want to do
a cooking segment?

Hey, heads up, Wolfman.
You're on the air.

Hey, your Uncle Buddy is back
broadcasting live
from the Yesterday Cafe!

And hey, speaking of cafes,

it's time to find out
what's cookin',

so let's go
to the kitchen!

I-I don't quite
understand it, Mister, uh...

What was your name, again?

Griffin.
Leonard Griffin.

Right, right, Leonard Griffin.
That's right, you know...

So what you're telling me
is that

if my mom doesn't pay you

you're going to close
her diner.

Now what exactly--
what code has she violated?

My financial code.

Oh, oh I see.

So you, Leonard Griffin,
an employee of the city,

are shaking us down.

You're taping
this conversation.

Oh, no, Leonard.
That would be ill*gal.

You're going out live
over WFNZ.

In your face, Leonard!
- Uh, ooh...

Wait, wait, what about--
what about my restaurant?

It's very nice,
it's very nice,

and congratulations,
you passed the inspection.

Oh Charles!
I'm not going to lose
the diner!

I know that, Mom,
but I think Leonard Griffin's
going to lose his job.

Back to you, Buddy.

Okay, that's today's
kitchen report

on how to cook
a guy's goose.

But cheer up,
your Uncle Buddy is back!

And it's time to party!
Ah ha ha!

Sorry, you're going to have
to party on your own time,
Uncle Buddy.

The network just cut in
with the President's
news conference.

You're off the air.

No, no, I was just
getting started.

Well, that's show business.

It was fun
while it lasted, huh?

Hello, New Jersey?

It's me, Buddy.

Hello?

Hello?

It's not fair, Charles.
I was just getting good.

I mean, I found out I can
talk for 135 minutes.

That's great, Buddy,
because the radio station
manager just called,

and he loved your show!

He wants you to do a show
every afternoon.

That means you'll have
to talk for about, uh...

Uh, about 647 minutes a week.

[♪♪]

The fact is,
is I'm a great communicator.

I don't think I should
limit myself to local radio.

Oh, why don't you try
sending up some smoke signals?

I was thinking more along
the lines of network radio.

Good idea.
- Yeah, I can do that!

I mean, and then, maybe,
a few guest appearances
on television!

Why not?
- Sure!

And then, after I get
established as a national
television star,

I could quit my radio show
altogether

and go into film!
- Films are good.

Yeah, and once I become
a mega film star,

I could make my triumphant
return to television,

in my own comedy series!

We could call it...

"Buddy in Charge."

You know what,
that's a catchy title.
Is there a part in it for me?

Well, of course, Charles.
I mean, every major star

needs a goofy sidekick.

[a la Buddy]
Yeah!
I can do that!

I can do that!

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare ♪ ]