05x14 - Don't Rock the Vote!

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

♪♪

- [Buddy]
Hey, wait a minute, Charles.
This one's perfect.

"Attractive divorcee
with five children

seeks marriage
with orthodontist.

Must be non-smoker."

- Buddy, what does that
have to do with me?

- You're a non-smoker.

- Buddy, why do you keep
forgetting the plot?

Look, I don't need kids
with crooked teeth.

Now I told you, I have to find
a quick way to earn $300

so I can buy the used computer
from the English Department.

- Yeah, okay.

Let's see...
Oh, listen!

"Wanted: Qualified volunteers
for E.S.P. testing."

What a break!
I've always wanted to test-drive
a brand new E.S.P.!

- No Buddy, E.S.P. stands for
"Extra Sensory Perception."

It's people who can read
other people's minds.

It's like those fake theories,
like, uh...

Like Elvis is still alive, or...

Or Buddy has a brain.

- Charles, have you seen
my home movies?

- Uh, no, sir.
- Neither have I, Mr. Powell!

Let's watch them Friday night!
I'll bring the Milk Duds!

- Lembeck, my home movies
are missing.

I'm trying to find them.

- And you will, sir.
They're probably just hiding.

Nothing is ever lost.

- Nothing except your marbles.

I'm going to go look
in the garage.
Maybe they're out there.

- Why would my marbles be
hiding in his garage?

- Well, for the same reason

those chipmunks made a nest
in your head:

Because there's room.

- Hi, Charles!
Guess what?

We're having
Grandpa's home movies
made into a videotape.

It's gonna be
a surprise.

- Sure is.
He's out in the garage
looking for 'em right now.

- Oh, no, they won't be ready
till tomorrow.

You've got to help us
stall him, Charles.

- No way, I can't do that!
You guys know your grandfather.

- Of course they know
their grandfather.

If they didn't,
do you think they'd be spending
all that money on him?

[scoffs]

- But where'd you guys
get the money?

- Well, that's the great part.
See, it only costs
eight cents a foot.

- Yeah, and we have $100
from our Christmas money.

- Grandpa's really going
to be surprised.

- Yeah, well if you want
to keep it a surprise,
you better keep it down.

He's doing to walk in
any minute.

- Oh, we'll talk about it
upstairs, come on.

- All right, Buddy,
back to the want ads.

I got to find a way
to buy that computer.

- Maybe you should reconsider
that E.S.P. testing job.

- No, Buddy, no.
I don't have E.S.P., okay?

I don't get premonitions.
I can't see into the future.

- Oh, it's too bad.
This ad says

that they're paying volunteers

- Wait a minute.

I'm seeing something.
I'm seeing us sitting
in an office...

Taking an E.S.P. test.

♪♪

[knocks on door]

Excuse me?

- Yes?

- [both]
Whoa.

- Is this the E.S.P. place?
- Yes, it is.
Come in.

- I'm Buddy,
and this is Charles.

But I suppose you already
knew that.

- Uh, no, I didn't.

But welcome to the School
for Psychic Research.
I'm Miss Spelling.

- Oh, don't feel bad.
I can't spell either.

- Miss Spelling is her name.

- That's right, Charles.

- And you said
you didn't have E.S.P.!

- That's what we're here
to find out.

Um, we do it with these cards

that contain
various geometric shapes.
If you'll have a seat, we'll--

- Shotgun!
- No, mine!

- Now, Charles...

I'd like you to concentrate
on this card.

And Buddy, I'd like you to--

- Square.

- Lucky guess.
Try another one.

- It's a triangle.

Rectangle.

Circle.

Another square.

Three wavy lines.

Figure eight?

- Buddy, you have
an enormous gift.

- Thanks, but how am I doing
on the E.S.P.?

- You-you are amazing, Buddy.

People like you
are very special.

Not only do they
receive messages from
the minds of others,

but sometimes they can
actually see

what's going to happen
in the future.

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Do you have E.S.P.?

- To a certain extent, yes.

- Really?

Read my mind and tell me
what I'm thinking.

- Hey, she does have E.S.P.

- And a heck of a Right!

- Buddy, you-you guessed
every card that
I was looking at.

How'd you do it?
- Ah, I just knew.

- No way, there must have been--
- Mirrors behind me
or something?

- Yeah, I don't--
- Believe in E.S.P.?

- Yes, Buddy, stop--
- Finishing your sentences?

- Yes.
Buddy, look, Come on,

just because you're out
of your head doesn't mean
you can get into mine.

- Wait a minute, Charles.
I'm seeing something.

A man will appear to you.

A famous man.

He'll be green.

- Would you describe him
as a, uh...

A Jolly Giant
or an Incredible Hulk?

- I don't know.
Wait a minute.

I can tell who it is, it's...

Ulysses S. Grant.

- Don't be ridiculous.
Ulysses S. Grant's been dead
for over a hundred years.

- No wonder he's green.

- Hiya Buddy.
Uh, Charles, um...

Do you have the money
for your computer yet?

- uh, no, Buddy and I just
went down to test E.S.P.

We made 50 bucks apiece.
- I'm loaning my 50 to Charles.

- Oh, that's very nice, Buddy.
Well, um...

Here's a little contribution
from your mother.

I wish it could be more.

- Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Oh, honey, don't thank me.

Sweetheart, that's what
mothers are for.

To give their children
financial aid, emotional aid,

and guilt.

Fix that hair.
There you go.

- Hey, Buddy.

This is a $50 bill.
You know what that means?

- Yeah, counting
the 100 you already had,
that means you'll have, um...

- No, no, Buddy,
Ulysses S. Grant

is on the $50 bill.
You were right.

- I was?

Hey, I was!

I'm incredible!

Wait a minute.
There's something else.

A beautiful woman...

Shall appear unto you.

And you will save her life.

- All right,
don't get carried away.

Just because you were right
about the money doesn't mean
you're a fortune teller.

- I only know what I see.

- Hi!
- Hi, that'll be $2.79.

- Okay.

Oh...

I am so embarrassed.
I left my wallet
in my other purse.

- Excuse me.
Maybe I can be of some help.

Mom, just put that on my tab.

- Tab?

Oh right, your tab.

[laughs]

- Thanks, I'll pay you back.
- No, it's okay.

- Oh, well, thank you very much.
You really saved my life.

- Buddy, that beautiful woman
just said I saved her life.

You were right again.

- I know, it must be
mental telepathy.

Wait, there's more.

"A rose will lead you
to a lily...

And a lily will lead you...

... to an orchid."

- A rose, to a lily...

... to an orchid.
Doesn't make any sense.

Buddy, she's back.
Excuse me!

You, uh-- you forget something?

- Yeah, I left my book here.
- Yeah, what are you reading?

- The Name of the Rose.

- Did you say "Rose?"
- Yes.

By the way, my name
is Lily Stevens.

- You...
Your name is Lily?

Do you know
how weird that is?

- No, I've always liked
my name.

- Oh!
[laughs]

So do I, so do I!
It's just-- it's just weird,

because your name is Lily,
and, um...

Well, my name
is Charles, and...

It's a small world.

- Yes, it is.

Charles, I'd really like
to repay you.

May I take you
to dinner tonight?

- Tonight?
Uh, no.

I'd like to take you
to dinner tonight.

- Oh, no, no.
I insist.

Shall we say, seven o'clock
at the Blue Orchid?

Orchid-orchid-orchid?

- Yes, the Blue Orchid.

I'll see you at seven, okay?

- There's no way!
Buddy, did you hear what--
listen--

You were right!
A rose led me to a Lily,

and Lily is leading me
to an Orchid!

- Excuse me, I have
to go to the men's room.

- Wait a minute!
How did you know?

- I always know
when I have to go
to the men's room.

Must be physical telepathy.

He has no mental.

Boy I gotta tell you,
I can't believe--

- What a great time you had
with Lily last night?
- Yeah.

You predicted the whole thing.

Now if I could just find a way--
- To get the rest of the money
for your computer.

- I don't understand it.
I've searched this whole house.

I'm going to tear
that garage apart.

I mean, my movies
must be somewhere.

Thanks for caring.

- "An eagle will hold
the past in its claws."

- Is Grandpa gone?
- Uh, yeah.

He's hot after
his movies though.
You guys pick up the tape yet?

- We couldn't.

The bill came to $300
and we only had $100.

Now we can't even get
the movies back.

The guy at Eagle said
he won't give them to us

until we pay.

- Did you say "Eagle?"

- Yeah, we took Grandpa's movies

to the Eagle Video Store.

- Buddy, did you hear that?

"The Eagle will hold the past
in its claws!"

The Eagle is the video store,

and the past is the home movies!

- I don't get it.

- It means you
were right, again!

- And it means we're
in the dumper.

What are we gonna do, Charles?

- Well, I-I don't know.
I'd like to help you guys,

but I don't even have
enough money to get my computer.

- No, it's okay.
It's our problem.

I guess we're going to have
to find a way
to raise the money.

Come on, you guys.

- Poor fledglings.

They don't know it,
but they will never be able
to get the money.

What is written, is written.

Charles!
You're in big trouble!

Lily's coming over here tonight!

- No she isn't, Buddy.
I asked her to,
but she's busy tonight.

[phone rings]
- What is written, is ringing.

- Hello?

Hey, Lily, what's up?

You can?

That's great!

All right, I'll see you tonight.
All right, bye.

Buddy, I-I can't believe this.

Lily can come over here tonight.

Everything that you predicted
has come true.

Hey...

Tell me what's going to happen
on my date tonight.

- Well, the good news is...

You and Lily will have
a great time.

The bad news is...

Her father's gonna sh**t you.

♪♪

- Mom!

Mom, I have a big problem.

- I know, I know, sweetheart,
and I wish I could give you

more money for your computer,
but I can't.

- No, it's not that, Ma,
I may not live long enough
to use my computer.

According to Buddy,
Lily's father is gonna
sh**t me tonight.

- Oh Charles, come on.
You're a level-headed
young man.

You can't believe that.

I mean, there's no--
this fortune stuff,
it's a fake.

Nobody can see into the future.

- Hi, Aunt Lillian.
Hi, Charles.

- Buddy, who's gonna win
the World Series?

- Mom!

Buddy,
whatever you're gonna say,
I don't want to hear it.

- Okay, Charles,

but you're sure
being a good sport
about getting shot.

- Would you stop saying that?
Buddy, look.

This is insane.
Lily's father doesn't
even know me.

- He will!
But not for long.

I'd better wait in the booth.
Lily's gonna be here
in a second.

- No, no, she isn't.
She doesn't get out of class
until five o'clock.

- Hi, Charles!

- Lily!
Why aren't you in class?

- It was cancelled.
Listen, I've got some news
for you.

I just got off the phone
with my father.

- Aha!

- [stammers]
Your--Your father?

- Yes, he's in Chicago.

- Oh!
[laughs]

Oh, well, Chicago!

My kind of town, Chicago is.

So how does he like it there?

- No, he's just there
on business.

He's coming back today,
but he really wants to meet you.

Aha!

- No, I--I can't meet
your father.

- Well, if you don't want
to meet him...

- [stammering]
No, I want to meet him.
I'm dying to meet him.

- Poor choice of words,
Charles.

- It's just that I thought
you and I were gonna be
alone tonight.

- Daddy can't meet you tonight.
He's busy tonight.

- Oh, he's busy!
Oh, darn it.

Oh, that's unfortunate,
because I really wanted
to meet him,

but I guess I can't
meet him tonight.

- Right.
So we will be alone,

and he wants to meet you
soon, okay?
- Uh-huh.

- See you tonight.

Okay, all right,
you see that?

Lily's father can't
meet me tonight.

And if he can't meet me
tonight, Buddy,
he can't sh**t me tonight.

- He's going to,
and he's going to do it tonight.

I just have one question.
- What?

- Can I come by tomorrow
and get your stereo?

- Over my dead body.

- Thanks!

♪♪

- Buddy, look,
I'm not dead yet.

Stop trying on my clothes.

You're making me
a nervous wreck.

- I'm sorry, Charles,
I'm just not used to seeing

my best friend shot down
like a dog.

Hey, this is nice.

- Stop it, stop it.
Look, listen to me.

Listen to me.
Lily's father is busy tonight.

He can't be here.

- He has to be here.
How else is he gonna
sh**t you?

- Charles, apparently

my home movies have vanished
from the face of the earth.

Are you sure you haven't
seen them?

- Yes, sir.
I-I-I can honestly say

that I have not seen
your home movies.

- Well, I'm going to have
to go out to that garage again.

My movies have to be some place.

- Charles, don't you think
you ought to tell Mr. Powell

that the kids took his movies
to be transferred to video tape?

- Buddy, I can't do that.
I gave the kids my word.

Besides, they'll raise
enough money,

and they'll get the movies
back themselves, all right?

- They won't be able to raise
the money, it's predestined.

Just like the fact that
Lily's father's gonna sh**t you.

- Will you stop saying that?
You're wrecking my life!

- I'm trying to save your life!

I'd better stay here tonight.
- No, no.

You cannot stay here, Buddy.
Okay, I have to go upstairs
and get some sodas.

I want you to go home, okay?

Go home.

- Okay, Charles.

Goodbye!

I'll be back later,

to claim the body.

♪♪

[knocks on window]
- Ah!

- Charles?
- Oh!

Hi, Lily.
- Hi, sorry, I didn't mean
to frighten you.

- No, no!

You didn't frighten me,
are you kidding me?

That was just--
that was a karate yell.

I was just, uh, smashing

soda cans with my bare hands.

- Oh.
Well, I have a little surprise
for you tonight.

You didn't have anything
special planned, did you?

- Oh, yeah.

[knocks on door]
- [both] Ah!

- I'll get it, I'll get it!
It's my surprise.

Come on in, Daddy!
- Daddy?

- Ah, yes.

You must be Charles.

Young man that has been
dating my little girl.

Take a look at this, Charles.

- Stop!
Stop!

- Buddy, get down!

[electric zap]
Ow!

- Why is he on the floor?
- I have no idea.

- Charles, where ya hit, boy?

- I'm not hit.

- Geez, what a lousy shot.

- Gee, sorry,
I didn't mean to scare you.
This is a...

This is my latest invention.

It's a laser g*n
that's guaranteed

to clear up acne.

I call it the "Zit Zonker."

- Well, why'd you sh**t me?
I don't have a zit to zonk.

- I know that.
You see, I was demonstrating.

Lily told me that you're trying

to earn enough money
to buy a computer.

So I thought maybe you'd
like to sell

some of these little babies
around the campus,

and we both could make
a tidy little profit.

[laughs]

- Oh, that's very kind
of you, sir, but...

I'm not much
in favor of g*ns.

See, I couldn't even sell
anything that looked like a g*n.

- Hey, why don't you take it
down to the Omega house?

Those guys at the fraternity
would sell anything.

I went to a party there once,
and they sold my clothes.

- Dad, that's a great idea.

Come on, I'll take you
over there right now.

Charles, I'll be back
in an hour.
Will you be here?

- Uh, I don't know.
Ask Buddy.

- "A young stallion

will come upon
a blossoming flower.

And the flower will open
its petals.

And the stallion will--"

- I'll be here.

- I did it again, Charles.

I told you he'd sh**t you,
and he shot you.

I'm a walking orifice.

- Oracle.

- Hi Charles,
hi Buddy.

Well, we bombed out.

- Yeah, I mowed lawns,
Sarah sold cookies,

Jamie collected debts
from friends.

And what do we have
to show for it?

$50.32.

- A grand total of $150.

Only half of what we need
to buy Grandpa's movies.

- So we got to talking, and...

Well, we want to give
this money to you,

so you can get your computer.

- No, that--
look, that's...

That's really nice of you guys,
but I can't take your money.
Thank you.

- You may as well
take it, Charles.

I see it very clearly.

You will get your computer,

and Mr. Powell will not
get his home movies.

It is written, and the future
cannot be changed.

- Wait a minute, if we can't
change the future,

why'd you jump in front of me
when that guy pulled a g*n?

- Well, you have to try.

- That's right,
if we try hard enough,
we can change the future.

- What are you guys
talking about?

- Fate, destiny.
It doesn't exist.

See, we determine
our own futures.

Now, Buddy here says
that it's written

that you guys won't get
your grandfather's tape
out of hock.

Well, watch me erase
what's written.

Here, it's $150, okay?

This, plus, your $150,

will get your grandfather's
video tape back.

- But what about your computer?
- Forget it.

It doesn't matter, okay?
Listen, I am the master
of my fate,

and the captain of this canoe.

- [all] Thank you Charles!
- You're welcome.

See that, Buddy?
Nothing is written.

- Wait a minute, Charles.
I'm seeing another vision.

Someone...

Will enter that door,
and that someone is...

Jamie Lee Curtis!

Jamie Lee, I love you!
Oh, I love you!

- [exclaims]

Lembeck!

That's twice you've
touched me today,

now I have to boil my clothes!

- Mr. Powell, the kids have
a surprise for you.

- A surprise?
No, no, I'm just gonna
k*ll Lembeck.

- Let's take you downtown
and we'll show you.

- I don't wanna go downtown,
I wanna k*ll Lembeck.

- Don't argue with us, Grandpa!
- I wanna k*ll Lembeck!

- Jamie Lee Curtis.
You see that, Buddy?

Nothing is written, okay?

Now look, I'll drive you down
to your dorm before
Lily gets here.

Let me get my jacket.
- Charles!

Don't go into that closet.

"Misfortune will fall upon he

who violates the home
of the moth."

- Oh man.
All right, watch this.

All right?
Nothing happened.

- Yeah, well
it could have, Charles.

All of that stuff
up on the top shelf

could've fallen on your head
and caused you great pain.

- That's right, it could have,
but it didn't.

It didn't, you are not
a prophet, Buddy.

You can't see into the future.

You are a false prophet.

[crashing noises]
Ow!

[Charles]
You're also a dead prophet!

Get the prophet!
Come here!

♪♪

[doorbell]

- Hi.
- Hey, Lily, I missed you.
Come on in.

- So where is everyone?

- Everybody's gone.
We're all alone,
just the two of us.

- You sure?

- Trust me.

- What was that?

- The wind.

All right, Lily, why don't you
go downstairs to my room, okay?

- Okay.
- I'll be down there
in one minute.

Psst!

- [Buddy]
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]