05x15 - Let's Quake a Deal

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ ♪

Hi, Charles!

Drop something?

Yes, I was standing on my head
and my loose change,

fell out onto the ceiling.

I don't buy it, Charles.

It's a principle of physics
that, when you're standing

on your head, loose change
always falls upward

to the floor.

You caught me.

Actually, I was checking the
ceiling for, uh,

for some cracks,
from last night's earthquake.

You call that an earthquake?
I'm from California, Charles.

We eat earthquakes,
like that for breakfast.

So, what were you doing
when the 'Big One hit?'

Ooooooh.

I was over at Linda's house.

Which reminds me.

Whatever you do,
don't tell Linda that we had,

an earthquake last night, okay?

She thinks I caused
the vibrations.

Well, I won't be able to.

That's why I'm here.

I have to cancel
our double date.

I have to work
on an assignment for my
Business Administration class.

You wouldn't give up a date
to attend your own wedding.

Come on tell me the truth.
What's going on?

That was the truth, Charles.

Professor Smalley,

wants us to come up with some
new business ventures,

and I've had
three great ideas already.

Here's one of them.

Road maps in Braille
for blind drivers!

That's good, Buddy,
but so far I like your
other two ideas better.

But you haven't heard 'em yet.

That's what I like about 'em.

Okay, here it is!

Grampa sent me out to buy an
earthquake survival kit

and I bought one.

I hope everybody's happy.

Wait a minute, Sarah.

Didn't they have a
family sized kit?

This is the family sized kit!

For $29.95, you get a 12-ounce
bottle of water,

a can of freeze-dried papaya
and one candle.

Matches not included.

Oh, I get it when you want
to light the candle

you rub two pieces
of papaya together,

and then when you're done,
you put it out with the water.

This is a perfect example
of Big Business greed.

Businessmen have been robbing
the public for years

and the public is too
brain-washed to fight back.

I disagree. I don't think
my brain's been washed.

You're right.

It probably got shrunk
at the cleaners.

Charles, according to this
morning paper,

last night's earthquake
registered a 3.2.

Oooooh, oooooh!

That's nothing compared to the
one's where Buddy comes from!

He says that Californians,

perform brain surgery
during at 3.2 earthquake!

Yeah, well, yesterday's quake
was strong enough for me!

I don't even want to think
what would happen
if a big one hit.

You don't have to think about
it, I'll tell you!

There'll be fires, and floods,
and mass looting!

Not to mention broken mirrors,

which can bring you
a lot of bad luck.

Excuse me, Sunshine.

Charles, I want you to teach
the kids emergency procedures

and conduct 'em in a few drills!

I want you to start tomorrow.

You don't need drills.
It's simple.

In the event of a major quake,
you just scream, fall down,

and wait for the bulldozers
to dig you out!

Charles, forget tomorrow!

You can start the drill
right now!

What about my sandwich?

Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.

Adam, Jamie, Sarah!
Come down.

Charles.

Charles, you're preparing
for an emergency.

Don't go easy on them.

Don't worry, sir, I'll have them
quaking in their boots.

Good, good.

Good.

Whatever it is, I didn't do it.

Just line up right here.
Now.

Good morning, students!

Your grandfather wants you all
to be prepared in case we have
another earthquake, okay?

So what we're going to do is,

We're gonna have
a practice drill.

When I yell, 'Earthquake!'

First thing you do is run
underneath the door way or
underneath a table, okay?

Make sure you're out of any
physical danger.

Next, Jamie I want you to turn
off the electricity,

Sarah you will
turn off the water

and Adam will turn off the gas.
You get it?

all: Got it.

Good, okay, let's go!

Well, what are you waiting for?

For the earthquake drill.

[sighs]
Jamie you're not gonna all be
standing here

when the earthquake hits.

Okay now come on,
you go to the kitchen all right,

an- and Adam
and Sarah, you go upstairs.

And don't come down until I yell
'Earthquake!'

Relax, Charles.

Now take it easy, remember,
it's just a drill!

Right, okay, here we go.

[yelling]
Earthquake!

Ahhhhh!

Buddy, stop that.
It's only a drill.

Oh, that was a close one.

Where are the kids?

[yelling]
Earthquake, earthquake,
earthquake!

Ready whenever you are, Charles.

Jamie, are you kidding?
I already sounded the alarm!

Oh,
well I guess I wasn't listening.

Please, please pay attention.
Now come on.

Go upstairs
and get your brother and sister.

Tell them that the earth is
quaking, the house is shaking,

the windows are breaking

and they're taking all the fun
out of it, all right.

Adam, Sarah come to the
earthquake.

Oh, no.
An earthquake is upon us.

I shall save my family
from flood by turning off
the water.

I shall save my family from fire
by turning off the gas.

Come on!
We're in a real earthquake,

you won't be able
to walk like that,

the whole house will be shaking!

Hey Charles, you're right!

They have to practice under
actual conditions.

I'll go get into my car and slam
into the house a few times.

Good idea, Buddy.
We'll save that for later.

Okay, listen.
Why don't you guys go upstairs,
and hold your breath,

until you're dizzy
and then come back down, okay?

Okay, Charles.
We'll be right back,

but don't hold your breath.

That's the problem with drills.
There's no realism.

It's like learning
how to swim in an empty pool.

Hey, wait a minute.

That gives me an idea
for a new product.

Instant water!

You just add water.

Hey, that's it.
I've got it.

I got it!
- Charles,

I keep hearing you yell
'Earthquake' but I don't hear

the pitter-patter of panicky
little feet!

Well, Mr. Powell, that's because
I just mentally invented

a device that will help people
practice for earthquakes.

It's a battery-operated belt
that will actually shake people

while they walk.

See, it could be apart of a
total survival kit.

Like I could call it, uh,

'The Quake Maker!'

Hey Charles,
that's not a bad idea.

Thank you.

In fact it's worse
than a bad idea.

It's a dumb idea.

'The Quake Maker!'
Unbelievable.

You know Charles, he's right.

I mean, 'The Quake Maker?'
That's a really dumb idea.

It is not, Buddy.
It's a very good idea.

Not only will it help people it
could also make a lot of money.

- It could?
- Uh-huh.

That's not just a good idea,
Charles, that's a great idea!

I love that idea.
As a matter of fact,

I'm going to write about it

for my Business Administration
term paper.

I love that idea, it's a...

makes me happy.

Don't try to talk me
out of this, Buddy.

I still think it's a good idea,
even if you do like it.

Listen, Mom, I,
Mom, I really believe
in my idea.

Buddy's out
with a Physics major right now,

to see is they can design a belt
that can actually

simulate an earthquake.

Do you think I'm crazy?

No, Doodlebug,

at the end of every dream, is a
pot of silver linings.

You know, your Great-Uncle Leon
was a dreamer, too!

He always said, 'Always follow
your dreams, even if they lead
you to jail.'

Mom, they did lead him to jail!
Frequently, he was a hobo.

Uncle Leon's only dream
was to find a long cigar butt.

He may have been a hobo,
but he was a happy hobo.

That's my point,

you see if making people
shake makes you happy,

follow your dream!

Charles!
Hi Aunt Lillian!

Charles,
I talked to Barry Loughton

down at the Physics department.

And I told him about your
'Quake-Maker' idea,

and he said he could build one.

The good news is,

it's only going to cost you
about 1,000 dollars.



to survive an earthquake?

No, it's only the prototype
that will cost 1,000 dollars.

After that, Barry says they
can be mass produced
for about 20 bucks a piece.

Really?

That's perfect, that means I
could sell them for $99.95.

That's great!

But wait-wait-wait, sweetheart,
you don't have 1,000 dollars.

Sure I do, Mom.
In my savings account.

Honey, that's to pay back your
student loan,

it's due next month.

But, Mom, what about following
your dreams?

What about Uncle Leon?

The man was a hobo.

Wake up, Charles.

All right, Buddy,
I gotta do three things.

One,
get my money out of the bank.

Number two,

I give it to Barry Loughton so
he can build a Quake-Maker.

And, number three?

Number three, is figure out what
to do next. I hate number three.

Wait a minute.

I can get you an appointment
with Professor Smalley.

He knows everything
there is to know about business.

He'll tell you
exactly what to do.

That's great, thanks, Buddy.

No, thank you, Charles.

Because of you, I'm going to get
an 'A' on my term paper.

I'm even going to dedicate
it to you.

I'll write it
on the front cover,

'To my dearest friend,
Melinda Burke.'

You just said you were going
to dedicate it to me.

You don't even know
Melinda Burke.

I will after she reads the
dedication on the cover of
my term paper.

You know Buddy one day soon,

all your chickens are gonna
come home to roost.

And, when they do, I hope you're
sleeping directly beneath them.

You need money
for the phone, man!

[knocking]

Hi, uh, excuse me,
Professor Smalley, I'm Charles.

Buddy Lembeck set up an
appointment for me.

Oh, yes,
you have a business idea.

Well, Charles, toss it on the
grill and let's see if it cooks.

Well, as you know,

everybody these days
is earthquake conscious.

They're all afraid
of the "Big One."

You've got a good
business head, Charles.

a time of panic, fear,
and hysteria is the perfect time

to hit people up
for some big bucks!

What's your idea?

A survival kit.

It's been done.

Not my way, Professor,

you see, along with legitimate
survival equipment,

I'm including
my newest invention.

It's a device,
that will shake people,

so they can hold
practice drills during

actual earthquake conditions.

Well, this certainly
is a red-letter day.

I better mark this date down
on my calendar,
I'm flabbergasted.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, indeed.

That has to be,

the worst idea I've ever heard.

Professor, I've already put

Well then, you've just learned
the first rule of commerce.

Never invest your own money.

But wait.
But I believe in my idea.

I wouldn't have put up a penny,
if I didn't.

And I needed that money to repay
my student loan.

Well in that case,

I suggest you learn
the second rule of commerce.

When it starts to fall apart,
bail out.

But, that 1,000 dollars
was my life savings!

I'm glad you
said "was," Charles.

The past tense is correct,
that money is gone!

As we say in the business world,
you blew it!

Professor Smalley?

[Adam]
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Hi, you all here
for the funeral?

Adam, stop playing with
your grandfathers safe.

Hey, Charles.
How did it go with my professor?

Horrible.

He said it was the worst idea
he's ever heard, Buddy.

My money is lost,
my career is over

my life is like that
stuff you throw away

when you clean chicken.

You mean you're not
supposed to eat that stuff?

You call that a problem?

We're supposed to put all our
valuables in this safe,

in case the house is destroyed.

Well, it's not going to work.

I mean, this safe won't hold
half my make-up supplies.

Charles, I hope you don't quit
just because some professor
hates your idea.

You always taught us
never to quit.

I'm not quitting, Sarah.

I'm not quitting, I just have
to find a businessman,

who wants to participate
in my project.

Good idea, Charles.

No, Charles, with businessmen,
participating is just another
word for stealing.

She's right, Charles.
Never use the word,
participate.

Okay, then I'll go out
and I'll find
a business partner.

Now, you're talking.

No, you don't want a partner.

Partner is just another word
for thief.

She's right, Charles.
Partners will rob you blind.

Okay, so I won't get a partner.

I'll go out
and I'll get an investor.

Good thinking, boy.

No, Charles,
stay away from investors.

First, they'll take your idea,

then they'll take
all the profits.

Yeah, I hate investors.
Hate 'em!

Businessmen are all sharks,
Charles.

Whenever you hear them use the
words 'participate,' 'partner,'

or 'investor,' you'll know
they're out to steal everything

you own, including your
underwear.

Yeah, and that's hitting below
the belt.

Okay, so I won't get a
participator, a partner,
or an investor.

What do you suggest?

If I were you, I'd give up.

I'll consider that, Sarah.
Thank you for the pep talk.

Buddy!

Sarah's right, Charles.

Businessmen are sharks.
They'll eat your underwear.

I don't understand.
First you agree with me,

and then you agree with Sarah.

At one point in your life
you're gonna to have
to take a firm stand.

Anyone can take a firm stand,
Charles.

It take someone with real guts
to be consistently wishy- washy.

I'll see you later.

Or not, I'll go either way.

Charles, there's someone
here to see you.
Remember Austin Miller?

Oh, of course.
Hello, Mr. Miller.
What can I do for you?

Well, actually, Charles.
It's what can I do for you!

Now Walter here, has been
telling me about your
Quake-Maker idea.

And I think
it has great potential.

Really?

Uh, do you think it has 1,000
dollars worth of potential?

Well, yes.
That, and a great deal more.

Austin has always believed
in helping young people
practice free enterprise.

Well, I'm young, help away!

I'm glad you feel that way,
Charles, because I really want
to participate.

[bell dings]

And every inventor
has an investor.

[bell dings]

And if your idea
is as good as it sounds,

I want to be
your business partner.

[bell dings]

Now, there are two friends
of mine who are
coming over tonight.

And we'd like you to demonstrate
your invention.

Sure.

Charles would be happy to give
you and your fellow investors
a demonstration, right, Charles?

Absolutely.

Uh, right. That's a very
nice suit, Mr. Miller.
Shark skin?

No, wool.

Yeah, wool.

Ah, well if you'll excuse me,

I have to go check and see if
I'm still wearing underwear.

Charles, if you don't
trust these businessmen,

then why you gonna
show them your Quake-Maker?

Because Buddy, they're the only
hope of getting my student loan
money back.

Just wish Barry Loughton could
have finished this belt sooner.

I'm not gonna have time to test
it before these guys get here.

Just relax, remember you've got
me to protect your interests.

Buddy, I appreciate the support,
but can you do me a favor.

Can you sit down, keep quiet
and stay out of this?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, no, they're here.

[sighs]

Ah, Mr. Miller.
- Hello, Charles.

Leo, Howard.
I'd like you to meet Charles.

Hi, nice to meet you, gentlemen.
Please, come on in.

Mr. Miller, you remember
my friend, Buddy Lembeck?

Do I ever.
Hello, Buddy.

I'm not allowed to talk to you,
I have to sit down, be quiet,
and stay out of this.

- Oh, Austin!
- Walter!

Leo, Howard, I'd like you
to meet Walter Powell.

How do you do.

Now Walter is the one who called
attention to Charles great idea.

And speaking of that idea.

I think it's time to get this
show on the road.

Okay, gentlemen.

My survival kit.
Now.

Along with an ample supply
of legitimate
survival equipment.

We offer...

The Quake-Maker.

The Quake-Maker
can be used to practice under
actual earthquake conditions.

It can simulate an earthquake
of any magnitude.

For instance,

a 4.5.

[stuttering]
I will now turn the gas off.

[stuttering]

[stuttering] I am now
turning the gas off under
actual earthquake conditions.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Is that it?

No, there's more.
That was just
a 4.5 earthquake.

What, you may ask, in the
event of an 8.5 earthquake?

Allow me to demonstrate.
- Don't do it.

[buzzing sound]

[stuttering]
Buddy, take the belt.

Got it.

Well, thank you.

No, no, no, thank you.
That was very interesting.

Yes, well, I'll get back to you.
And Walter, you, too.

Come along gentlemen.
Come along.

I'm sorry, Charles.

It just goes to show you.

You can plan for any disaster,

except a Lembeck.

It was all my fault, Mr. Powell.

It was a stupid idea.

Well,

guess I blew my,

my student loan money.

And I'll have to finish
college in jail.

Walter?

I just had a little chat
with Leo and Howard outside.

Now, they think that Charles'
invention is the most ridiculous
thing they've ever seen.

Austin, I'm sorry I got you
involved.

Oh, well, I'm not!

Charles, I still
believe in your idea.

Mr. Miller, my, my,

my invention just fell apart
right in front of your eyes.

Well, it has a few bugs in it,
but the principle is sound

and I think it
should be developed.

But, Mr. Miller.

All my device does is shake
people out of their socks.

So did Henry Ford's
first automobile.

Now, Charles, I believe
in gambling in people.

And big business needs some
creative, young minds.

And so, I still want to be
your partner.

[bell dings]

Oh, we're talking 50-50.

Well no,
I was actually thinking 90-10.


No way, Mr. Miller.

I'm not giving up 90 percent
of my dream.

You don't have to.

The 90 percent is yours.
I only need 10 percent to cover
my expenses.

Oh, you only want 10 percent?

Hey, you got a deal, Mr. Miller.

Good boy, good boy, and I'll get
back to you tomorrow with the
paperwork.

See you soon!
Thanks, Walter!

You see, Charles?
All businessmen don't wear
sharkskin suits.

And, if you check, I think
you'll find you still have your
underwear on.

No, I don't.
I put them in the safe.

Grampa? We've decided we don't
want to put any of our valuables
in the safe.

You don't?

No.

Anything we put in the safe,
would be something we love.

It might be protected, but we
wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

The safe is all yours, Grampa.

Mr. Powell, what valuable item
do you want to protect?

You're looking at it, Charles.

This safe cost me more
than anything I own.

I'll just have to put it
somewhere where it'll be safe.

[wood shaking]

[stuttering]
Charles!
Help me, Help me!

Buddy, take the belt off.

[stuttering]
I took it off ten minutes ago.

Then why are you still shaking?

Aftershock.

♪ ♪

- Charles?
- Yes, sir?

I thought you were going
to give the kids
a disaster drill tonight?

I am Mr. Powell.
Right now, we're practicing what
to do right after the Big One.

Watch!

Ready, go!

Oh, good.
The tremors have stopped.

I shall go check
the water pipes.

I will check
the electrical fuses.

And I will check the gas line.

There you go.

Charles what is that?

It's a Chocolate Quake Shake.

Yeah, well, that's not bad.

Needs a little work.

[chuckles]

There you go.

Oh!
Oh!

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I see ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Charles in charge