05x18 - Frankie and Mommy

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

[diners chattering]

- Charles, Charles!
We've got to get down to
the sorority house right away!

- Why?
- I just had the idea
of the century!

We're going to give
the sorority girls
free C.P.R. lessons.

I'm talking mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation, Charles!

We can audition women, and save
their lives at the same time.

- That's a great idea, Buddy,
but I can't go anywhere
right now.

I promised my mom I'd watch
the diner until she gets back.

- Ah, shucks.
- Hi Buddy.
- Hey.

- Charles, I'm conducting
an ecological survey.
- Mm-hmm.

- Does your mother use
styrofoam cups in the diner?

- No, because they're not
biodegradable.

- Very good.

Buddy, what do you do
to conserve energy?

- Well...

The first thing I do
when I wake up every morning

is take a nap.

- Yeah, that's true, Sarah.
I mean, you wouldn't know it
by looking at him,

but he is asleep
at this very moment.

- Obviously I'm wasting
my time.

I think I'll go home and make
some radical changes
in my family's lifestyle.

Okay.
Then make some dip.

- Excuse me!
I'm Frankie Romano.

Is the owner of this fine
establishment on the premises?

- Uh, no, that's my mom.
She's not here right now,

but I'm in charge 'til
she gets back.

I'm Charles, and this
is Buddy.
- Hi Charles, hi Buddy.

- How can we help you?
- Gentlemen...

Do I have something to show you!

The "Dog-O-Matic!"

- [Charles]
That's, uh...
[chuckles]

That's very nice.
What is it?

- Funny you should ask.

The Dog-O-Matic is
the only device known to Man

that can turn the food
children hate

into the food children love!

What's this?
Spinach!

Eww!
Kids hate this stuff.

But...

[Whirring]

[Frankie]
They love this!

- Hey.

That's incredible, it turned
the spinach into a hot dog.

- The Dog-O-Matic can turn
anything into a hot dog,

and it can be yours
for only $29.95.

- Wouldn't it just be
a lot cheaper to buy a hot dog?

- That's the kind
of business thinking
that made me

into a corporate drop-out.

When I was 35 years old,
gentleman,

I was rich.
I was important!

[sighs]

And I was miserable.

You know what I did?
I walked away from it.

- And now you're poor,
unimportant, and miserable?

- No!
I'm the happiest guy
in the world!

I tell ya, fame and fortune
are highly overrated!

In this life, gentlemen,
you got to do what makes
you happy!

Now, if you don't want
to buy my little machine,

you don't have to!
We'll still be friends.

- No, no, I do want to buy one!
I think it's terrific,
I'll take one.

- Okay, if it makes you happy.

I'll just go get you
a nice, shiny, new one

in a nice, genuine
cardboard box.
Mm-hmm!

Now excuse me...

- Charles, don't buy
anything from him!
He's a con-man.

- Are you kidding, Buddy?
This guy gave up
a corporation

because he wanted to be happy.
That's my kind of guy!

- Hi Buddy, Hi Charles.
- Mom, how'd it go
with the accountants?

- Oh, it was a nightmare.

They said we can't spend
any more money on the diner.

We're not supposed to buy
anything new for six months.

- Oh, it's too late.
Charles already bought a machine
from a traveling salesman

that turns everything
into a weenie.

- Except for Buddy,
who's already a weenie.

Charles, you bought something
from a traveling salesman?

I didn't raise you that way.
I told you never to talk
to strangers.

- I thought it was a good deal.
I'm sorry.

- Here you go, gentlemen,
it's all yours!
- Thanks a lot, Frankie.

- Oh!
- Oh-h*-h*-h*!

[laughing]

- Excuse me...

Excuse me, Mom?

This is just
a wild guess, but...

Have you two met before?

- Oh, "met" him?
I almost married him.

♪♪

- Upset, Buddy?
I'm not upset.
Come on, I like Frankie.

That's why I bought
one of those Dog-O-Matics.

- He's a con-man, Charles!
A con-man was hugging
your mother.

I don't blame you
for being upset.

Look, if he's such a con-man,
why did you buy
a Dog-O-Matic from him?

- Well, a guy can't have
too many weenies.

- Charles, Sarah is changing
all our light bulbs.

- Into what?
- Into other light bulbs.

- Ha, you call that a trick?
I could've changed it
into a hot dog.

- I'm putting in energy-saving
light bulbs, Buddy.

What are you going to tell
your children when they ask you

why you destroyed
the environment?

- Don't worry, Sarah.
If Buddy reproduces,
the planet's already doomed.

- This isn't funny, Charles.

- Eh, don't blame him, Sarah.

He's just upset because his mom
has a new boyfriend.

- I am not upset, okay?

And he's not a new boyfriend.

He's an old man-friend.

- Your mother's going
with an old man?

- Well!
According to her,
they were almost married!

- Your mom just met
this old man,
and they're almost married?

I don't blame you
for being upset.

- I am not upset!

- Well, I'm upset!

I hate going to dull meetings.
I end up sleeping
in my good clothes.

- Grampa, I bought
the new trash containers.

They're in the kitchen.
- Good!

- What was wrong
with our old trash container?

- There was only one of them.

From now on, we're going
to start separating our trash
for recycling.

- Good for you!
Come on,

Let's go look at
those new trash containers.

- Get out of my life.

- Hey, what's this?

- It's called a Dog-O-Matic,
Adam, check it out.

It's a great little invention.
Let me show you how it works.

Now, we take your popcorn...

Stick it in here, right...

Hit the button...
[whirring]

And presto, huh?
[laughs]

- It turns popcorn
into hot dogs?

- It turns anything
into hot dogs.

For instance, let's take
this filthy old rag.

- Buddy.
- Lembeck, Lembeck?

What are you doing
with my--

[whirring]

...Tie?

That was
my favorite tie, Lembeck!
It went with everything.

- Now, it'll go
with onions, relish...

- That's not funny, Charles!
That tie...

... cost me $20!
I want my money!

- Well, I'd like to help
you out, Mr. Powell,
but I'm broke.

- Well, then, let me
help you out, Lembeck.

There you go,
don't come back until
you have the $20.

Oh, I'll keep this
for collateral.

- May I say something
about that?
- Yes, you may,

but not to me.

- What is going on?

- Balderdash!
That's what's going on.

Charles, where did Lembeck
get this infernal machine?

- Uh, from my mom's friend,
Frankie Romano, Mr. Powell.

It's a--
It's a great little invention.

It's called a Dog-O-Matic.
I bought one myself.

- It turned my tie
into a hot dog!

- See what I mean?
Couldn't do that
with a blender.

[doorbell]
- Doorbell!

- All right, Dad.

Mom, and Frankie!
Come on in.
- Hi, sweetheart!

- Hi Charles!
- Walter...

Sarah, Jamie, Adam,
Say hello to Frankie Romano.

- [all]
Hi!

- Oh, sit down, please.
Sit down, sit down.

Charles tells me that, uh...

You and Lillian are old friends.
- Oh, very old friends.

First time I ever laid eyes
on this lady...

[babbles incoherently]

Almost married her!

Decided to marry her,
as a matter of fact.

But, I made a big mistake.

Introduced her
to my best friend,
and he married her.

- That bum!

- He's talking about
your father.

- Oh, Dad!
He's a great guy.

- Oh yeah, he was
a wonderful man.

He married your mother
and I-- pfft!
Left town.

- Ah, that's right.
Life is funny, isn't it?

I got married,
you got married.

I lost my husband,
you lost your wife.

And now, here we are,
together again.

After all those years...

- Oh yeah, we sure are...

- Uh... Frankie is the inventor
of the Dog-O-Matic.

- [sardonic laugh]
Must be very proud.

- Oh yeah, I am.
I mean, the Dog-O-Matic

is very good
for the ecology.

You know, we're running out
of places to bury our garbage?

Why throw food away when you
could turn it into hot dogs!

- You hear that, Sarah,
you hear that?

- Hm?
- Sorry.

Sarah is up to her ears
in ecology.

- Yes, the
New Brunswick Herald

paid Sarah $300 for an essay
she did on the environment.

- $300?

Sarah, you didn't
tell me this.

What are you going
to do with all the money?

- I haven't decided yet.

- Well, why don't you buy
a remote control TV
for our bedroom?

- No, Sarah!
Buy something the
whole family can use.

Like a dirt bike.

- I'll think about it.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Romano.
Excuse me.

- Bye, Mr. Romano.
- Bye.

- Well, I think I'll turn
some garbage into hot dogs.

You two want to stay
for dinner?

- Oh, Walter,
that sounds delicious.

But Frank and I are going out
for a little "Watusi."

- I didn't know
you liked raw fish.

- Charles, the dance.
"The Watusi?"

Remember?
You remember, Frankie,
come on.

Remember, it was like...
Wait...

- No, no, like this.
- Oh, yeah.

- [in rhythm]
Yeah-yeah-ooh-ooh.

Freestyle, freestyle, Frankie.

- Bye, Walter!
Very nice meeting you, pal!

Bye Charles!
- Hey, have a good time.

- Very attractive people...
- Well, Charles.

They sure make a lovely couple.

- Boy, Charles, those two
are serious.

Now I can understand
why you're so upset.

- I am not upset!

- Then why are you yelling?

- Because I'm upset!

♪♪

- Charles, Charles!
Guess who I saw at
the Blue Orchid last night!

Your mom and Frankie Romano.
They was dancin'!
- Good.

- No, bad, Charles!
A con-man is after your mother.

He's going to dance her,
romance her, entrance her,
dump her-- and Blitzen!

Blitzen?

- Look, Buddy,
I like Frankie, okay?

He's a good guy.
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

- Fine, forget it!
I'll come back later

when you're not
hysterical with grief.

- Charles, I understand why
you're upset and I don't
blame you a bit.

- Okay, I am going
to say this one more time:
I am not upset.

Okay, I like the fact
that Frankie and my mom
are together.

- How can you like the fact?

How do you know he isn't
after her diner?

- Oh, Sarah, he doesn't
want her diner.

Now, why does he have
to be "after" anything?

- Everybody's after something.

Jamie's after me
for a TV set.

Adam wants a dirt bike.
I don't know what to do.

- Sarah...

In this life,

you got to do
what makes you happy.

Now, I am positive that

if you're happy,
Jamie and Adam
will be happy.

- Do you really think so?
- No.

- Neither do I.

- Charles, is Frankie here?
- Uh, no, Mom.

Nice outfit.
New?

- Oh, this?
No, no, it's old.

No, I was wearing it
the first time
I ever met Frankie.

Charles, tell me
the truth.

Are you upset about
Frankie and me?

- No, no, mom,
I decided that I,

that I like Frankie.
I think he's a very honest,

ethical, and decent man.

- Hello, Charles!
Lillian, I bring
good tidings!

They're going to run our ad
in today's paper!
- Oh, that's wonderful!

- Which ad is that?
- Oh, I was just about
to tell you.

Frankie and I
are gonna sell the diner.

♪♪

- [Lillian]
Okay gentlemen,
I totally understand.

- Hey Charles, those two men
in business suits
are talking to your mom!

Yeah, they're probably
offering her half

of what this place is worth.
Buddy, I got to stop them.

- Okay, gentlemen,
whatever you want.

- [Buddy]
Did you hear that?
They made a deal!

- Well, let's un-make the deal.
Let's go!

Hey!
Don't take that bite!

- What is it, Doctor?

- [stammers]
The spaghetti is full of ants!

- Eww!
- Disgusting!
And look at that roll.

That roll has spiders
all over it, ugh!

- Egad, the whole place
must be contaminated.

Oh my gosh!

Look at that caterpillar!
- Ah!

That was a nice touch, Buddy.
For a second there, I thought
that was a real caterpillar.

- It is.
I brought him from home.
His name's Lloyd.

- Charles?

Where are the two gentlemen
that were sitting
at this table?

- Uh, I don't know, mom.
They didn't leave
a forwarding address.

Mom, why do you want to sell
your diner to those two guys?

- I don't.
They're my tax accountants.
They were taking inventory.

- Charles?
- Mm-hmm?

- What's going on?

- Mom, I drove them
out of here.

I just can't stand here
and let Frankie

talk you into selling
this diner.

- He didn't talk me into it.
He didn't even suggest it.

It was my idea.

- What?
I thought you love this diner.
- Well, I do!

- Lillian,
if you love your diner,
why would you want to sell it?

- Well, I know how you feel
about business,

and I thought
if I sold the diner,
it would make you happy.

- But I'm already happy.

You got to do
what makes you happy.

In fact...

I'm going to spend the rest
of my life making you happy.

- [scoffs]
Well, gee, if you're going
to do that,

you might as well marry her!

- That's exactly what
I'm proposing.

- Oh, Frankie.

- [Buddy sobs]

[sniffle]

I'm sorry, Charles,
but I always cry

at weddings and funerals.

- So do I.
I'm just not sure
which one this is.

[blows nose]

- [singing to self]

[whirring]

[laughs]

One grape dog.

Beautiful!

I think I'll try a clam.

[singing to self]

[whirring]

[machine breaks down]

[machine stops]
- Grampa.

Grampa, you broke
Buddy's Dog-O-Matic!

- Oh, no, no, no,
It's obviously defective, um...

Adam, uh, let's just keep this
to ourselves, shall we?

- You're right.
We don't want to make Buddy
any crazier than he already is.

- Right.
[laughs]

[clears throat]

[no sound]

Damn clam.

- Thank you ma'am!

- Lembeck, what are you
doing here?

- Oh, I came by
to console Charles.

Frankie Romano asked
Charles' mother to marry him.

- You're kidding.
Poor Charles.

Charles!
Charles, front and center!

Lembeck, um...

I think I want to talk
to Charles alone.

Would you mind leaving?

- No way, not until I get
my Dog-O-Matic back.

- Well, you win.
It's all yours.

- It worked,
he went for it.

- What a maroon.

- You rang?
- Oh, Charles,
sit down, sit down.

- Charles, I, um...

I just heard
the bad news.

Charles, you've, uh...

You've been with this family
a long time, and, uh...

There's just one thing
I want to say to you...

- What's that, sir?
[doorbell]

- Doorbell.

- Thank you,
I'll try to remember that.

Hi mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Um, Frankie...

Frankie's going
to meet me here.

He wants an answer
to his proposal.
- Oh.

- What do you
want me to do?
- Um...

Mom, sit down
for a second.
- Okay.

- Listen, I was up--
I was up all night.

You know, thinking about
when Dad was alive, and...

And, uh...

And at first I was upset,
and then I got angry...

And then I got to thinking,
how much you and Dad
needed each other.

You know, and...

See, I've always heard
about bad marriages,

but I couldn't relate to them.

Because, to me, marriage
was always a wonderful thing.

And, you know, I learned
all about that from my parents.

- Oh, sweetheart...

I'm sorry.

I did love your father.

I still do.

And you're right.

He wouldn't want me
to get married again.

- No, Mom, that's
my whole point--

I think that if you have
another chance
at that happiness,

that you and Dad had,
I think you should take it.

And I know Dad wants it
that way too,

because I talked to him
last night and he told me.

- You talked to your father
last night?

You went to a séance?

- No, I uh...

I just kind of closed my eyes,
and there he was.

- My little boy.

My sweetheart...
Aw, thank you.

You helped me
solve my problem.

[doorbell]

- Hey, Frankie,
come on in.
- Hello, Charles.

- ♪ Lil-il-lian!

Let's go someplace quiet
and discuss our future.

- No, I have to have
Charles hear this,
he's my family.

You are a loving
and kind man,

and you'll make
a wonderful husband.

- It's settled then!

- Yes, I can't marry you.

- You can't?
- You can't?

- You see, Charles
just reminded me of something.

His father and I had
a wonderful marriage,

because we needed each other.

You see, my needing you
isn't enough.

Frankie, you need
to need me too,
and you don't.

- Wha--of course he needs you!
Frankie, tell my Mom
you need her.

- Frankie.

Come on, be honest.

You're the happiest person
in the world.

All by yourself.

You don't need
anybody else.

And that's why
I can't marry you.

Do you hate me, Charles?
- Oh, mom, of course--

The outfit I hate, but...

I don't hate you, Mom.

But you're the one who told me
your life was so empty.

- Ah, you listened to me?
I've got the diner.

I've got lots of friends.

I've got a wonderful son.

The only thing missing
from my life

was the Watusi.

And now I have that.

- All right, Lillian,
you convinced me.
We won't get married.

[grimace]
We'll do the Watusi instead.

- You got it, now...
- Let's go visit the past.

- If we're not back...
By the morning...

Call the paramedics.
- Okay.

- Got it?
- All right.
Have a good time.

- Sarah, just tell us.
Is it going to be the TV
or the dirt bike?

- No Sarah, just tell us
it's going to be the dirt bike.

- Okay, now hold it.
Sarah, have you decided

what you're going to do
with your $300 yet?

- Yes, I know exactly
what I'm going to do with it.

You told me to do what makes
me happy, right, Charles?

- Yes, but I just found out
I was wrong.

- Good, because I decided
to buy something

that will make
everybody happy.

Trees!

- Trees?

- Yes!
I'm going to buy
young trees

and plant them
in the backyard.

Everybody should do it.

Deforestation is causing
a global warming

that could have
disastrous consequences.

Wait, if we don't save
our trees, our planet
won't survive.

- He broke it!
Walter Powell broke
my Dog-O-Matic!

- Okay, listen...
- It's not fair!

Gee, this is the last time
I let anybody play

with my stuff again.

- Buddy, just relax.

After all, you broke
his favorite tie.

- Did not, did not!
I just turned it into a weenie,
it's not the same.

- I have a surprise for you.

- What is it?

- Buddy, we're going to go
down to the sorority house

to give free C.P.R. lessons.

I'm talking mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

Just think, we can
audition women

and save their lives
at the same time.

- Wow, that's
a brilliant idea, Charles!

How come I never have
any good ideas like that?

- Well, Buddy, because you
have a very big heart,

and a very small brain.

- Thanks for
understanding me, Charles.

- Okay.
All right, let's go.

♪♪

- Hey Sarah.
- Oh Charles,
I'm so sorry!

- Hey, hey, hey!
What happened?

- I just found out that Frankie
isn't going to marry
your mother after all.

I feel so sorry for her!
- Oh, Sarah, don't be sorry.

It was my mom's decision.

- It was?
- Yeah, now here, dry those
little tears, come on.

Now listen, my mom realized
she doesn't need anyone
to make her happy,

and she was absolutely right.

- Everybody needs somebody
to make them happy.

- Don't you need some woman
to make you happy?

- Are you kidding me?

I could go my entire life
without a woman.

- Weren't you just out
with a woman tonight?

- No.

I was out serving humanity.

I was giving
a very deserving student
free C.P.R. lessons.

- Why was your student
wearing so much lipstick?

- He didn't say.

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare