12x11 - The Rumor Mill

[bunniefuu]

♪ I love
the winter weather ♪

♪ So the two of us
can get together ♪

[customer]
Oh, great. Thank you.

[Carrie]
Oh, um... let's see.

Um, one classic cherry,
one pecan,

two pumpkins, uh,
one lemon meringue--

Excuse me.

Are you pre-ordering pies
for Thanksgiving?

[chuckles] Yeah.
Some people bring casseroles,

- I bring pies.
- [chuckles] You just told me

you aren't taking any more
pie orders for Thanksgiving.

We're not.
What else, Carrie?

Oh. Uh, one blueberry.

Um, that's a pie order.

[employee]
Pick-up for Martinez?

She used to live
in the neighborhood.

[scoffs]
I live in the neighborhood.

Ma'am, this woman has been
ordering pies from me

every Thanksgiving
since I opened.

Even during lockdown,
when no one was going anywhere,

she ordered four pies
and paid for four pies.

She didn't even
pick them up.

They sat on that shelf
'til they turned green.

That's the kind
of neighbor she is.

Did you so much
as even think of me
during the plague?

No, you did not.

You're two croissants
a week, at best.

So, however many pies
she wants, she gets.

Anything else, Carrie?

Um, yeah, um...

uh, yes, let's see.
An apple crisp.

- Apple crisp.
- Mm-hmm.

- Chocolate creme.
- Chocolate creme.

I'm sorry,
it's a big group this year.

Are you over here
ordering pies?

No. No, I--
[slight chuckle]
I wish I was.

'Cause I heard
"chocolate creme."

I didn't.

♪ I love
the winter weather ♪

[car horns honking]

The pies are ordered
for your feast.

There was almost bloodshed.

Well, that's appropriate
for this holiday.

How many did you get?

Seven, plus a gluten-free
something

pretending to be a pie.

That's almost two people
per pie!

Is that the incorrect
pie-to-person ratio?

I-- I don't--
I don't bake.

Okay, well,
dessert is one less thing

Brady will have
to worry about.

Aw, baby's first turkey.

Guess where I am.

At a bank taking out a loan
for all the pies?

Hmm. No, I'm walking
down my old street.

It's so strange that
I don't live here anymore.

I know, right?
Brooklyn who?

It's so weird
how we just move on.

But do we?
I don't know, I think

- part of me still lives here.
- [door opens]

- Oh, my God! No way!
- [gasps] Hi!

Okay, Miranda, I gotta go.
Lisette just came out.

- I'll call you later, 'kay?
- [Miranda] Okay.

- Bye!
- [Miranda] Bye!

What are you doing here?

I want my place back.

- Of course, you do.
- [Carrie chuckles]

I have this nightmare
all the time.

- [both chuckle]
- Aw!

[both] Hi!

Oh, I'm such a bad friend.

I haven't seen you in forever
because of a boy.

Yep, I'm that girl.

Wow, a boy.
How's it going?

It's over, of course.

But, it lasted seven months,
which is my record, so...

- [chuckles] Oh.
- How's everything?

How are you and Aidan?

Um, we're not.

Twenty-two years,
that's my record.

- No. [softly] I'm sorry.
- [car approaching]

Oh, is that your car?

Yeah, no.
But I'm not getting in now.

[chuckles] Yes, go, go!
We'll catch up.

Well, I'm having a get-together
the Monday before Thanksgiving

while everyone's in town.
Come?

- [Carrie chuckles softly]
- Mm.

- Poor us.
- Aw, I'm fine.

- Well, then, poor me.
- No, you're fine, too.

- [slight chuckle] Okay.
- Bye.

- Come Monday!
- Okay.

[car horns honking]

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Charlotte] Come!

[Richard Burton panting]

I'm gonna have
to polish these babies up
for Thanksgiving.

Eh, it'll be a nice change to
rub something that stays hard...

- [scoffs]
- ...instead of my endless
p*nis polishing.

Honey, I don't enjoy you making
jokes about yourself like that.

And I don't enjoy not having
an erection since the surgery.

Honey, it will come.

Well, it better,
'cause I sure haven't.

Okay, stop.

Also, we don't have
to polish anything

because you keep forgetting
that we're having Thanksgiving

at Miranda's.

And you keep forgetting
that forgetting

is my passive-aggressive way
of saying, "Do we have to?"

- [Charlotte scoffs]
- She probably makes her stuffing

with white bread
and has NPR on
instead of football.

I will be making the stuffing.
And it will be your favorite,

focaccia with oysters
and fresh sage.

I don't wanna eat your stuffing
at her house.

I wanna eat it here
in my own home.

I wanna pass out on my own couch
in a tryptophan-induced coma.

Is that so much to ask?

Listen, she has never
hosted Thanksgiving

- and she's excited.
- [Harry sighs]

You rescued
Mr. Burton here.

You can't rescue me
from a day of sitting upright

and All Things Considered?

Okay, I will try
to get us out of it.

[Rock]
Mom, can you help?!

[Charlotte] Coming, Rock!

[♪ soft music playing]

Can you zip me up?
I gotta try this on

- before dress rehearsal
tomorrow.
- [softly] Uh-huh.

Uh...

How do you like your
Thoroughly Modern Millie
costume?

[Rock] It's cool.

Lily did way too much
on the makeup,

and the wig's itchy,
but that's showbiz.

Thanks, Mom.

[♪ soft music continues]

[♪ pop music playing
faintly in store]

[knocking]
Me.

Off.

The salesman
who gave you that color

should have his
h*m* card torn up.

- Try these.
- So many?

Winter's coming.
You need new sweaters.

And this Lanvin will look
gorgeous with your eyes.

- You are so good to me.
- Got that right.

No one will ever
treat you better. [chuckles]

This is true.

No one will.

Ever.

Oh, God.
What, are you gonna
blow me at Bergdorf's?

I'm not going to blow you.

I'm going to propose to you.

[scoffs]
Are you serious?

- Am I known for my humor?
- [chuckles]

Tony, my lover,
my love.

Will you marry me?

- Yes!
- [Giuseppe chuckles]

[knocking at door]

[sales person]
How we doing in here?

- We're engaged in here!
- Congratulations!

And how are
we liking the plum?

[Amanda]
Your novel?

Fan-f*cking-tastic!

- I literally
could not put it down.
- [Carrie chuckles]

I mean, I still can't!

[both laughing]

Your prose is fluid
and so moving.

Now, when do I get
the last chapter?
[drumming]

Well, you-- you have
the last chapter.

Oh, I do?

- [Carrie] Mm-hmm.
- Sorry. Sorry. [chuckles]

That's okay!

Okay...

She's in the garden...

- alone.
- [Carrie] Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's the last page.

After her love dies,
the woman is alone.

[office phones ringing]

You know me.
I'm happy ending gal.

[chuckles]
So, uh, what you've written

is a romantic tragedy?

Well, I-- I mean,
how is a woman

alone in a garden
a tragedy?

Well, not today, it's not.
Today it's Tuesday.

I mean, hello?

[both chuckle]

But in 1846,
when this takes place...

a woman alone at the end
would be a tragedy.

Would it not?

- [♪ upbeat mellow music playing]
- [Miranda] Thank you, dear. Ooh!

- [Charlotte] Thank you!
- [Miranda] Beautiful.

Thank you so much.

You guys have
to come see Rock

in Thoroughly Modern Millie.
You have to.

- Why do we have to?
- You have to see what I saw.

Rock in the Millie costume
is so grown-up and so...

So what?

Pretty.

But I don't know
if I'm allowed to say that.

I-It's like seeing who Rock
would be if-- if...

If they still identified
as a Millie?

[Carrie] Well, count me in.

You know how much
I love musical theater,

especially at
the high school level.

- [laughter]
- Sorry, can't Friday.

Joy and I
are going to a lecture

on the role of media
in disaster management.

Oh! That sounds fun, too.

Well, you know, it--
it's fine, because
I can take pictures.

Uh, un-- unless that
would upset Rock.

But-- but anyway,
no worries.

- I have worries.
- Miranda?

I invited Brady's
baby Mamma Mia

to Thanksgiving
and didn't tell him.

[Carrie] Maybe you could
also attend a lecture

on the role you play
in home disaster management.

Look, she probably won't come,

and I don't want to upset Brady
for no reason.

I'll blow up that bridge
if I come to it.

- I mean, he's nervous
enough cooking.
- [Charlotte] Mm.

- Charlotte.
- Mm?

You're bringing
your stuffing, right?

Oh, absolutely.

Carrie...
[chuckles]

why is that karaoke machine
still there?

[Carrie] 'Cause you're
taking it with you.

Oh-- no!

Mm, it is just so warm
and cozy in here now.

I was getting
a little concerned before.

Concerned about what?

[Charlotte]
It was just so big
and empty

when there was nothing
in here, like--

like a museum,

or a house
on a historical walking tour.

Historical, yes, um,
which brings me to my editor.

She read my new book
and labeled it

a "romantic tragedy" because
the woman ends up alone.

She did not say that.

Well, she couched it
in the historical framework.

"In 1846, a woman
ending up alone
would be tragic."

But I'm starting to get
the sense that peop--

well, more specifically,

my publishing house,
thinks the same thing.

Mm.

She wants me
to add an epilogue.

Where she ends up
married or something?

She didn't say.
Something that makes the reader

feel good at the end.

I like the ending.
I thought it was honest.

Do you have to do it?

Well, she suggested that
I think about it, and I am,

because I really
don't want my first novel

to end up on the discount table

- at Barnes and Noble.
- [Miranda] Mm.

I don't know.
What would the new ending be?

What is there to say?

[bottle thumps]

She ends up alone.

- [screams]
- [Miranda yelps]

- What?!
- My God.

I forgot to tell you guys!

Anthony and Giuseppe
are engaged!

Oh, my God,
you scared the sh*t out of me.

- [Carrie chuckles]
- I'm so sorry,
but isn't that exciting?!

- [Miranda] It is exciting.
- [Charlotte] Right?

- [water running]
- [Seema moans]

[Adam panting]

Oh, you missed a spot.

- I'm just coming up for air!
- Slacker.

I'd go down, but I left
my nose plug at the Y.

I spent my entire childhood
at the Y.

Adorable. But I'm still not
getting down on my knees

in rushing water.

- Fine.
- [shower turning off]

Been heard.

Here.

- Thank you.
- Take this.

- Yeah, the Y was free.
- [sighs]

So, my mother used
to drop me and my sister

off there when she was busy.

So, speaking of my sister...

would you want to meet her
next Thursday?

Um, next Thursday?
You mean Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I don't eat turkey

and I don't believe
in that holiday, so...

Oh, you don't believe
in Thanksgiving?

So, you have nothing
to be thankful for?

I have so much
to be thankful for.

But I'm gonna do it
on my schedule, you know?

- Not somebody else's.
- [hair whipping]

And, you know...

top of my list of things
to be thankful for is you.

Aw.

I love you.

I love you.

[♪ soft, romantic music playing]

[people chattering]

[greeter] Hi, everyone!
Welcome!

All proceeds
for the Millie t-shirt

go to the Arbor
drama department.

Welcome to the show!

[Carrie] Hello!

I hear congratulations
are in order!

Oh, I'm so happy for you.
Where is your betrothed?

In the little boy's room,
so I have to talk fast.

- Okay.
- I'm having second thoughts.

Oh.

Well, gosh, that's not the way
I thought this was gonna go.

[Anthony]
So, why did I say yes?

Because someone I love
is down on one knee

asking me to marry him.
How could I say no?

[chuckles]
Sister, I hear ya.

Aidan, a knee, a street,

a dog, a ring...

a "yes."

Ever since
we moved in together,

I'm shopping for him,

I'm cooking, I'm cleaning.

I don't know if he wants me
to marry him or mommy him.

And I don't need a 29-year-old
extremely well-hung baby.

Oh, come here. Come on.

- Look who I found!
- [Carrie] Oh!

- Was he lost?
- [Mark chuckles]

- Uh, Mark Kasabian.
- Yes, no, we've met.

I wasn't sure
you'd remember me.

Aw!

His daughter's
working on the play.

- [Carrie] Oh!
- Pulling the curtain, again.

- [Carrie chuckles]
- In an educational system

where every child
gets a trophy,

apparently, Alexandra
is the exception.

Yeah, I pulled the curtain on
one or two school plays myself,

to get out of detention
for smoking.

[Mark and Carrie chuckle]

- [Giuseppe] Carrie!
- [gasps] Hi!

- Did you hear the news?
- I did!

Anthony and Giuseppe
are engaged.

Congratulations.

Getting engaged
is the best part.

- I always enjoy it. [chuckles]
- [Harry] Looky here!

Beat the intermission line!

- One for you.
- Clever thing!

- [Harry] One for you.
- Thank you!

- Here you go.
- Thank you very much.

- [orchestra tuning instruments]
- [crowd chattering]

Honey, everyone is outside.

What are you doing in here
all by yourself?

I wanted to get us
some good seats.

- 'Cause Henry's the male lead.
- [Lisa] Yes, he is.

At least someone
in our family is winning, huh?

Herbert! That election!

Is it too triggering
to say, "Recount"?

We can't believe you lost
to that community activist

in bad shoes.

Well, bad shoes or not,
my opponent

ran an excellent race.

Ten full percentage points
ahead.

What is wrong with people?

Seven point four, actually.

Ladies, ladies,
go take your seats.

- Place is filling up.
- [all chuckling]

[whispering] Oh...
And don't give a thought

to all that money we donated.

Don't be sad, Daddy.

[patron] Excuse me.

- Herbert Wexley.
- Principal Peterson.

I tried. From Chelsea
to the West Village,

from the gyms
to the Jellicle Ball,

I did everything
in my power

to rally the LGBTQIA vote.

As Teddy Roosevelt said,

"If you're gonna fail,
fail while daring greatly."

Next time.

[♪ tense, plucky music playing]

[gasps]
Sweet Mother of God,
who is this?

Lisa, Herbert,
I wanted to say--

- It's all been said.
- Anthony told you
we're engaged?

- [Lisa gasps]
- Oh, so you're taken?

[stammering] Uh, pardon.

That was so inappropriate.

I just came out.

I-I'll sit now.

[parent] Oh, here's
a picture of Connor!

Who the f*ck
was that queen?

[♪ orchestra playing
"Forget About the Boy"]

[dancers tapping]

♪ Cut the cord ♪

♪ Is that a man
I once adored? ♪

♪ He's nothing
but an albatross ♪

♪ No great loss,
double-crosser ♪

[all singing]
♪ Forget about the boy ♪

♪ Forget about the boy ♪

♪ Forget about the boy ♪

[chuckles]
♪ Halleluh ♪

♪ Now me and Mister Wrong
are through ♪

♪ I'll find myself another beau
who I know ♪

[whispering]
Take a photo.

Rock told me not to,
but didn't say you couldn't.

[Rock and chorus]
♪ Forget about the boy ♪

♪ Forget about the boy ♪

♪ Forget about the... ♪

[tap dancing]

- ♪ Hallelujah ♪
- [tap dancing continues]

♪ Forget about the boy,
forget about the boy ♪

♪ Forget about the ♪

♪ Boy ♪

[♪ song ends]

[cheering and applause]

Brava!

[cheering and applause
continue]

It's 7:30.
You're gonna be late for work.

I'm working from home today.

[chuckles] Again?

Isn't that against
your religion?

Man can change his mind.

Maybe I-- I don't feel like
going in to see everyone

look away thinking,
"Here comes the loser."

Everyone
is not thinking that.

I am.

I'm thinking it, Lisa.
I failed.

I failed you,
I failed my family.

I failed, badly.

You didn't fail any of us.

I have never been prouder
to be your wife.

Not helping.

Go to work, please?

[♪ somber music playing]

[Harry groaning,
chuckling softly]

Harry.

Do I feel something hard
against my back?

- You do.
- Oh!

- My iPad.
- Aw!

Yeah, I was showing my d*ck
some porn last night

to try to remind it what
its primary job used to be.

[sighs]
Changing the subject.

- Yes, please do.
- [sighs]

I know you wanted me
to talk to Miranda
about Thanksgiving,

but I just-- I couldn't.
It's important to her.

W-What about me?
I'm your husband.

But it's just one day.
Why all the fuss?

Okay.
[clears throat]

[sighs]

When I got my diagnosis...

[sighs]

...I thought I might be a goner.

- [gasps] Honey, no!
- I mean, I--

- At first, I did.
- Aw.

I just kept thinking,
"Make it to Thanksgiving,

make it to Thanksgiving."

You know, it-- it became
like a visualization.

Just, you know,
all of us here, together.

Me, alive.

Honey, why are you
just sharing this with me now?

I'm already Mr. Softie.

I didn't want to come off
like a total wuss.

You are all man to me,
Harry Goldenblatt.

And you will have Thanksgiving
the way you want it.

[♪ gentle music playing]

[sighs deeply]

How is it possible that
takeaway chicken tikka
from 53rd Street

is better than anything I had
when I was living in New Delhi?

- Oh, I get it. You're fancy.
- [Joy chuckles]

- [Miranda] [with mouth full]
Hi, Brady.
- [door closes]

[Joy] Look,
it's your friend Brady.

- So, how was sauce day?
- What is this?

A text from Mia saying "yes"
to Thanksgiving?

Oh! She's coming?
[chuckles]

- Oh, I'm surprised!
- You're surprised?

What the f*ck, Mom?!

You invited her
without asking me?

I didn't think
she would say yes.

I just--
I went by her salon

to apologize
for my last visit there,

and when she told me her mother
had blocked her on Facebook

and she had nowhere to go
for the holiday, I invited her.

[Brady]
This is so f*cked up.

- You--
- [Miranda] But aren't we glad

she's a "yes"?

I-- I mean, now we can
get to know her,

and she can get to know--
I mean, there's a baby coming.

Text her back
and tell her to forget it.

[Miranda]
I can't text her back now.

She already thinks I'm crazy.

You are crazy!
Inviting some random girl

- I got pregnant to Thanksgiving?
- [dogs whimpering]

This isn't some f*cking
Hallmark holiday movie!

Will you lower your voice?
You're scaring the dogs.

[Brady] Well,
you're scaring me.

What else do you
have up your sleeve?

Are you gonna offer
to buy the baby over pie?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- [Brady] Oh, I'm ridiculous?

Joy, help me out here.

I-Is she or is she not
being f*cking ridiculous?

Don't involve Joy in this.

Uh, maybe I should take
the dogs into the next room.

Joy's already involved.
She's coming to Thanksgiving.

We're both gonna have to sit

and watch you do
whatever you plan to do!

What I plan to do
is have a nice meal

and try to get to know
the mother of your baby.

Brady, this is happening,
the baby and Thanksgiving.

So, let's make the best of it.

- [door slamming shut]
- [silverware clattering]

I'm paying for these c*ck.

- But it's my turn.
- But I'm a terrible friend.

I backed out of Thanksgiving
at Miranda's,

and now you have
to go by yourself.

Into a room
full of all my closest friends?

Come on, I'm paying.

Fine.

But, come on, they're vegan
and gluten-free?

I'm passing up a delicious
drumstick for Tofurkey.

Are you determined
to make this lovely invite

somehow a bad thing?

I am.
Terrible friend

to terrible girlfriend,
just like that.

Mm, I got a call
from the rep of the family

who owns the apartment
below you.

They wanted to know if
you're interested in buying it.

The-- the lease
that Duncan had?

Is over,
and he's not renewing.

So, they're coming to you

before they put it
on the market.

[chuckles] Well, why would
I want more space?

For resale.
It would be more desirable

to own the entire property.

- [people chattering]
- [♪ soft lounge music playing]

Why am, uh--
Why am I so upset right now?

I don't-- I don't know.
Why are you?

I don't know if it's because
I was harboring the idea

that Duncan would come back,
or because I feel like

you're saying I should resell.

Why would I say that?

Because, of course,
it's too big for one person.

I bought it with a plan,
and it didn't happen.

I am not saying
any of that.

I was just asking
a business question.

Right. Right.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm having a lot of feelings

about apartments these days.
[chuckles]

Lisette invited me
to a get-together

at-- at my old place.

And I'm a little afraid to go.

Afraid to see
what a dump you lived in?

I think it might make me
sad or something...

being there again.

What if I miss it?

Miss the chipping woodwork,

the shitty kitchen,

the warped floors?

Yeah.

[♪ "For Cryin' Out Loud!"
by Finneas playing]

♪ Maybe it's me,
or maybe it's you ♪

♪ Maybe I never
learned my lesson ♪

♪ Someone to seek,
someone to soothe ♪

♪ Someone to answer
all your questions ♪

Oh. Welcome. I'm Ezekiel.

- I... I'm confused. [chuckles]
- [Lisette] Carrie!

- Welcome home! [chuckles]
- Am I home?

- Because, um...
- [Lisette] Oh. Yeah, the wall.

It separates
Ezekiel's apartment and mine.

- Work in progress.
- [chuckles] Oh.

- [Lisette]
Let's go to my place.
- Okay.

- [Ezekiel] Julia.
- [Julia] How are you?

- [Ezekiel] Come on in.
- [Julia] I'm in.

- So, I got the closet. Duh.
- [softly] Wow. [chuckles]

And Zeke got the kitchen,
because who cares?

Mm. [chuckles]

- The photos you left me.
- [gasps]

Yeah. Wow.

O-Oh! So-- so there's
a wall in here too?

- Yeah.
- Gotcha. Oh, wow.

Oh, that's my workspace.
It's a little messy.

Oh, no, no, no, it's--
wow, it's great to see!

[chuckles softly]

May I?

Please!

Go ahead.

- [people chattering]
- [Ezekiel] Yeah, much better.

[♪ "For Cryin' Out Loud!"
continues playing on speakers]

- [guest 1] It's like
a little sweet, you know?
- [guest 2] Yeah, exactly.

Turkey taco?

Oh.

Uh, maybe later, thanks.

[laughter]

[chuckles]
Uh, I feel like
Alice in Wonderland.

Can I take your coat, Alice?
[chuckles]

- [Carrie] That's great.
- [Lisette] Yeah. Oh, thanks.

[sighs] Okay.

- You know...
- Mm.

...it's not about his rent.
I just-- I hate living alone.

You know, before I was
with Robbie--

that's the latest guy--

I always got so freaked out
about coming home

to an empty apartment.

I thought,
after all these years
of roommates,

that I would love it.

But I didn't dig it,
like, at all.

I kept imagining someone
coming through the window

while I was asleep
and k*lling me, or worse.

Point of interest,
what's worse than k*lling you?

I don't know, being kept alive
in a cage for whatever.

[chuckles]
And because I live alone,

who would even know
I was in the cage?

I mean,
the last time I saw you
was seven months ago.

I think the girl cage/apartment
scenario

is really just something
that happens on streaming shows.

[chuckles] Right.

Doesn't it bother you,

living in that big house
by yourself?

I mean, aren't you scared
of what could happen to you?

Well, I'm-- I'm more scared of
what's already happened to me.

[Lisette] Mm.

Also, I have, um,
I have a security system, so...

That's good. I've got Zeke.

He has a couple g*ns
laying around somewhere.

Well, I guess whoever said,
"You can't go home again"
was right.

That would be...

novelist Thomas Wolfe.

- [people chattering in distance]
- [Lisette chuckles]

[♪ soft music playing]

- [keys jingling]
- [safety alarm beeps]

[alarm continues beeping]

[keypad beeping]

[Carrie]
Epilogue.

The woman opened the door
to her dark home

and struck a match to light
the candle in the vestibule.

The glow from the taper
illuminated an envelope

waiting for her there
on the cold marble table below.

She broke
the blood-red wax seal

and removed the delicate piece
of parchment inside.

An invitation
from Virginia Perry

to attend a party to celebrate
the return of her cousin,

Joshua Perry, from London
to New York City.

The woman folded the paper,
intrigued.

This was
the handsome widower

Virginia had spoken
so highly of.

[♪ "Fear When You Fly"
by Cleo Sol playing]

♪ If you see me ♪

♪ Know that I'm not broken ♪

♪ And even though
my head may be low ♪

♪ I will not lose hope ♪

♪ If you notice ♪

♪ That my smile's
not the same ♪

♪ Some friends
I lost on the way ♪

♪ But I still have faith ♪

♪ Feel the fear when you fly,
feel the fear ♪

♪ When you fly high ♪

♪ Feel the fear when you fly,
feel the fear ♪

♪ When you fly high ♪

♪ Feel the fear ♪