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01x12 - Treasure Map

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Uncle Grandpa". Aired: September 2, 2013 – June 30, 2017.*
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Uncle Grandpa is a magical shapeshifting person that stops by children's houses every day to see how they are doing.

01x12 - Treasure Map

Post by bunniefuu »

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Uncle grandpa: good morning!

Good morning.

Good morning.

Grft: [ roars ]

Uncle grandpa: good morning.

Good morning!

[ Sign buzzing ]

Uncle grandpa: this place has

Got the best spaghetti in town!

Pizza steve: hmm.

Needs more habanero sauce.

Ooh! That's nice.

Grft: [ growls ]

[ Roars ]

Mr. Gus: only you guys could

Go to a seafood restaurant and

Not
eat seafood.

So weird.

Yar. Here be ye check.

Shiver me timbers.

Mr. Gus: thanks.

Yar welcome.

Mr. Gus: how do you guys want

To split the check?

[ Flies buzzing ]

Pizza steve: sorry, man.

My money's all tied up in the

Stock market.

Mr. Gus: hmm.

Can't seem to find my wallet.

Pizza steve: oh, yeah.

You left it in your back pocket.

But, just so you know, it was

Empty when I found it.

Uncle grandpa: I'll take care

Of the bill.

Belly bag, can you please hand

Me my penny pouch?

Belly bag: sorry,

Uncle grandpa, but you left it

In your other body.

Mr. Gus: sounds like we'll

Have to wash dishes to pay for

This meal.

Pizza steve: pfft!

No way!

Pizza steve can't dirty his

Hands with greasy foods!

It's bad for my health.

Mr. Gus: [ groans ]

Well, then, how else do you

Propose we pay for this bill?

Uncle grandpa: mr. Gus is

Right.

We have to -- [ sniffles ] --

Wash dishes.

Hold the mayo!

What's this?!

Could it be?

Oh!

I can't believe it!

Do you guys know what this is?!

Mr. Gus: uh-huh.

That's a children's activity

Place mat.

Uncle grandpa: exactly!

It's a treasure map.

This is the answer to all our

Problems!

We can follow it and pay for our

Meal!

Pizza steve: we'll have

Enough money to hire people to

Wash dishes for us!

Whoo!

We're rich!

Uncle grandpa: waitress!

Three of your finest shovels,

Please!

Mr. Gus: seriously?

We can't just have one normal

Night?

Does everything always have to

Get weird?

Uncle grandpa: let's start

Digging our path from under the

Table.

Grft: [ roars ]

Just tell the waitress we went

To the bathroom.

Treasure!

Pizza steve: come on,

Mr. Gus!

We're gonna need your help

Carrying all the heavy

Treasures!

Mr. Gus: stop giving me that

Look.

I won't be gone for long.

And don't touch my fish!

Grft: [ meows ]

Uncle grandpa: ♪ diggin' a

Hole ♪

Mr. Gus: I'm telling you

Guys, it's just an activity

Place mat.

You're digging for no reason.

Ugh!

Everyone's gonna think we're

Being weird.

Belly bag: what's your beef

With being weird, mr. Gus?

It's who we are!

Uncle grandpa: come on,

Mr. Gus!

Treasure!

Pizza steve: last one in is a

Mr. Gus!

Mr. Gus: that don't make any

Sense.

I athe last one in.

[ Grunts ]

Uncle grandpa...

Maybe we should try something...

More practical...

Instead of this nonsense!

Uncle grandpa: more

Practical...

You're right, mr. Gus!

Pizza steve, if you please.

Mr. Gus: what are you guys

Doing?

Uncle grandpa: ha ha!

Just like the map says --

Root beer river!

[ Fog horn sounds ]

Mr. Gus: [ sniffs ]

Doesn't smell like root beer.

Uncle grandpa: whoo!

Really, mr. Gus?

Feels like root beer to me!

[ Giggling ]

Pizza steve: mmm.

Tastes like root beer, too.

Belly bag: [ slurping ]

Ahh.

Come on, mr. Gus!

Try it out!

Mr. Gus: I don't know, guys.

This definitely looks like a

Sewer to me.

Uncle grandpa: mr. Gus, we

Don't have time to argue.

We have a treasure to find.

Now hop aboard the

Root-beer float!

Mr. Gus: [ sighs ]

Fine.

Uncle grandpa: onward to

Captain blowhole's secret

Hideout!

[ Toilet flushes ]

Whee!

Ha ha!

Well, what do you know.

We're right on track, guys!

The lost city of fishlantis.

Mr. Gus: uh, no.

We're in the subway.

What the -- ugh!

Uncle grandpa: what are you

Doing down there, mr. Gus?

The secret treasure is this way.

Mr. Gus: bu-- w-what?

Pizza steve: last one up is a

Grumpy dinosaur.

Uncle grandpa: wow, guys!

We found captain blowhole's

Underwater laser light show!

Mr. Gus: you got to be

Kidding me.

Uncle grandpa: whoo-hoo!

Come on, pizza steve!

Touch every laser!

[ Alarm blaring ]

Mr. Gus: okay, guys, that's

Enough!

Pizza steve: oh, snap!

You guys hear that?

That is my jam!

Belly bag: fog machine?!

[ Coughing ]

My favorite!

Mr. Gus: [ coughs ]

That's tear gas!

Pizza steve: what's wrong,

Mr. Gus?

Afraid I'll out-dance you?

Oh, wait. I already have.

This is the police!

We have you surrounded!

Come out with your hands in the

Air!

Uncle grandpa: what'd he say?

Pizza steve: put your hands

In the air!

Uncle grandpa: whoo-hoo!

Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Whoo, hoo!

Yeah, yeah! Yeah!

Whoa! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!

[ Siren wails ]

Grft: [ growls ]

Your friends still in the

Bathroom?

You sure I can't get you

Anything else?

Not even a steak smoothie?

Grft: [ growls ]

[ All breathing heavily ]

Uncle grandpa: boy, guys,

That light show sure was crazy!

Mr. Gus: okay, guys, I've had

Enough fun for one day!

Can we please head back and just

Wash dishes to pay our bill?!

Uncle grandpa: but, mr. Gus!

We're so close!

Let me show you on the trusty

Dusty map.

Wait a second.

Something is wrong with this

Map.

Mr. Gus: that's what I've

Been trying to tell you!

Uncle grandpa: wait, mr. Gus.

Just one second.

There we go!

So, according to the map, the

Treasure is about 300 feet down,

To the left.

We'll pass the shrimpdilly willy

Room, then through davey jones

Lobster locker, and before you

Know it, we'll be at the

Treasure!

Mr. Gus: [ grumbles ]

Give me that!

I keep telling you!

This is not a map!

It's a stupid children's

Activity place mat!

Uncle grandpa: but -- but --

Mr. Gus: no!

It's not a treasure map!

Uncle grandpa: stand back,

Pizza steve.

Mr. Gus: stupid...place...

Mat...for kids!

Uncle grandpa: oh, no!

What are we gonna do with no

Map?

[ All scream ]

Well, nice work, mr. Gus.

Now how are we gonna get to the

Treasure?

Ahoy, mateys!

You found captain blowhole's

Secret hideout!

Uncle grandpa: see, mr. Gus?

He is real!

Mr. Gus: huh?

So, ye three be after me

Treasure?

Uncle grandpa: ye!

We be three!

Can we please "heeve" it?

I mean, have it?

[ Chuckles ]

Aye.

Not so fast, matey.

You see, in order to get me

Treasure, you must answer me

Riddle!

Uncle grandpa: oh, great!

I love riddles.

[ Chuckles ] well, so do i.

Butif you answer incorrectly,

You'll be forced to walk the

Plank to your certain demise.

[ Crocodile growls ]

Uncle grandpa: okay!

We'll answer it.

Mr. Gus: but --

Great!

Now, where did I put that

Place mat?

Ah, here we go.

What has no beginning, middle,

Or end, but touches every

Continent?

Pizza steve: oh, that's easy.

- Uncle grandpa: yeah, the

Answer is --

Mr. Gus: no!

Before you guys say something

Weird, let mehandle this.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay. So, the correct answer is,

Obviously, the oce--

Uncle grandpa: uh, please

Excuse us for a moment.

Mr. Gus: uncle grandpa, what

Are you doing?!

Uncle grandpa: making sure

You say the right answer.

Mr. Gus: I was.

And the right answer is, the

Ocean.

The ocean has no beginning,

Middle, or end but touches every

Continent!

Uncle grandpa: no, mr. Gus.

It's the new spaghetti-fish

Sandwich.

Pizza steve: yeah,

Spaghetti-fish sandwich, duh!

Mr. Gus: what --

Are you serious?!

You guys are so weird!

Uncle grandpa: [ chuckles ]

Remember root beer river?

Mr. Gus: that was a sewer.

Pizza steve: lost city of

Fishlantis?

Mr. Gus: the subway.

Belly bag: the laser light

Show?

Mr. Gus: bank vault.

Uncle grandpa: mr. Gus,

Sometimes you just have to

Embrace the weird!

Mr. Gus: but none of that

Stuff was weird.

Youjust pretended it was.

Uncle grandpa: none of this

Stuff is weird, mr. Gus?

Pizza steve: why don't you

Tell that to the talking dolphin

Pirate over there?

Take your time!

It's a toughie.

Mr. Gus: whatever.

I know what the right answer is,

And that's the one I'm gonna

Give him.

Okay, captain blowhole.

The correct answer is --

Uncle grandpa: mr. Gus,

Embrace it!

Embrace the weird!

Mr. Gus: uh...

Uh...

[ Panting excitedly ]

Mr. Gus: uh...

Spaghetti-fish sandwich?

Hmm...

[ Muttering ]

Spaghetti-fish...

Correct!

All: hooray! We did it!

Well, here she is, boys -- me

Treasure!

Mr. Gus: "one free meal at

Captain blowhole's"?

Valid at any participating

Captain blowhole franchise!

Pizza steve: great work,

Mr. Gus.

Uncle grandpa: yeah!

This will cover our bill and

We'll be home free!

Mr. Gus: embrace the weird.

Uncle grandpa: wait till

Tiger hears about this!

Ahh, another set of happy

Customers.

Now back to being alone.

Uncle grandpa: look!

Waitress lady!

Unh!

Waitress lady, look!

We have a coupon!

A coupon for a free meal!

Mr. Gus, tell her.

Mr. Gus: it's a coupon.

Uncle grandpa: see?

It's a coupon!

See? A coupon!

It's a coupon! See?

Okay, yeah, that's good and

All, but this does not cover the

Steak smoothies your friend

Ordered.

Uncle grandpa: how many did

She order?

[ Glass clinking, shatters ]

We're gonna need a bigger litter

Box.

Grft: [ meows sadly ]

Mr. Gus: embrace the weird,

Mr. Gus.

Embrace the weird.

Uncle grandpa: [ coughs ]

[ Laughing ]