I remember the first time I fell in love.
She was '", long flowing hair,
Big brown eyes,
And a perfect figure.
Her name was miss trinidad.
Yeah, and she was my first-grade teacher.
I remember how she would come up behind me,
Wrap her arms around me,
And show me how to hold my pencil oh, so right.
As her pearls dangled in front of me,
I would lean my head back, you know,
And listen to the ocean.
Even though she never said it,
I knew this woman loved me, too...
Because she wrote this special song
Just for me.
♪ A, b, c, d ♪
♪ E, f, g ♪
♪ H, i, j, k ♪
♪ L, m, n, o, p-p-p ♪♪
I love you, miss trinidad.
Captioning made possible by warner bros.
♪ Martin ♪
How y'all been? ♪ Martin
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin ♪
Ng company,
And nci caption club/grantsmanship
[Mumbling]
Damn!
sh**t!
Dang it!
Aah!
You call for a plumber?
You were supposed to arrive at :. It's :.
Hey, that's my lunchtime. Yo, partner, look, look.
Can you say what's wrong with my toilet?
For starters, there's a book stuck in there.
I just dropped it in there.
You don't need me, you need a librarian.
[Mimicking laugh]
I'm sorry. That's just a little plumbers humor.
I'm late for work.
Please tell me what's wrong.
Well, that depends.
You could have a bad trip lever, supply valve,
Or float ball.
What are you talking, "float ball?"
The problem's not the tank, it's the pipes.
You could have something in your fixture drain,
Waste pipe, or waste stat,
Which will cost you.
It may cost you a little,
It may cost you a lot,
But it will cost you.
You were supposed to be here earlier.
I'm going to a game at :.
Can this be fixed by then?
Depends if I need a part.
Depends if I have to go to the store.
Depends if it's open.
Keep an eye on the plumber
Until I get home from work.
I don't trust him.
You don't get home till :.
So?
I ain't sitting here till :.
Mom's got paid today.
She'll be shopping all day.
Got the place to myself, know what I mean?
Nah.
I can play my records
On the good stereo, you know?
Aw, that's-- that's beautiful.
You don't want to go to the piston game with me?
It's opening night. I got front row seats.
I'm staying, but what if I've got to go to the bathroom?
I told you to go to the bathroom
Before you came over.
You knew my toilet was stopped up.
I did, but I had a -ounce slurpee.
All right, but if you've got to go,
Go next store to sheneneh's.
Yo, keep an eye on the plumber, man.
All right, man.
Shh...
Hey, I'm glad that guy finally left.
Whoa! You got cable, huh?
Ahh...
Excuse me.
Yo, boy!
The pistons are going to bust the clippers up tonight.
Yo, fat boy fix my toilet?
I don't know.
What do you mean? What's he doing?
He ain't doing much of nothing.
I'm going to k*ll him, you hear?
Too late.
I think he's already dead.
Yo, mister?
Oh, my goodness. Yo, man, what happened?
I don't know, man.
I came in here a half hour ago, and he was dead.
Did you call --, cole?
With a dead white man in a black man's apartment?
They be blaming me,
Then they be hauling me off to jail.
Next thing you know, I'm on trial in simi valley.
Cole, how do you know he's dead, man?
Did you check his pulse?
I ain't touching a dead man.
This man could still be alive, all right.
Give me a hand.
[Whining]
Give me a hand!
Come on. Come on, mister.
Oh, mister, what happened?
Oh, um, um, um, um, um, um, um.
Uh...uh... Uh...uh...
All right. All right.
Um...um... All right, here.
Ready?
Yeah.
Clear!
Hiya!
Do it again, man.
Oh, man.
Um...o.k., O.k., O.k.
Here. Mouth to mouth. Mouth to mouth.
Mouth to mouth!
Excuse me, but I ain't kissing no man.
Think about who you be kissing
If you was in that jail cell.
Come on! Cole!
All right, the heimlich.
Come on. Come on.
Help me with him.
Watch his head, all right.
Come on, mister. Aw, mister.
Come on. Aah! Aah!
Oh, god, he's heavy.
[Whining]
Calm down.
Stop it.
You a man. You hear me?
Stop it.
All right? O.k.
All right, here we go. Ready?
On the count of three, o.k.?
......!
What was that?
It's juicy fruit. I gave it to him.
He choked on it. I k*lled him, martin!
They're going to get me to jail for this.
I called -- half an hour ago.
Where are they?
I k*lled a man.
Mama going to lay the belt to me when she find out.
Stop it, all right.
You didn't k*ll nobody.
[Knock on door]
Well, it's about time.
Where y'all been?
The game don't start for half an hour.
There's a problem in the bathroom.
The plumber never came, huh?
Oh, he came, tommy.
He came and went, man.
Then who's that fat guy sleeping on the floor?
It's the plumber, tommy. He's dead.
Dead? How did he die?
I think like this.
[Knock on door]
Relax, it's the door.
All right, listen.
Listen, listen, all right?
That's probably gina and pam.
You know how women get about this kind of thing.
[Whining]
Cole, handle it!
Hey, baby.
Hi, honey.
Hey, guys, sorry we're late.
Can I talk to you?
What's wrong?
I don't know how to say this.
You remember your aunt louise,
The one that had that little mole?
Ugh! It was ugly.
Martin, she didn't die, did she?
You mean she's still alive?
Damn!
What about your bald-headed aunt sarah?
I know she's dead.
What are you talking about?
The bald-headed aunt--
Oh, my god! Gina!
Why did you let her go in there?
Aah! Aah!
O.k. All right. O.k.
Martin, there's a dead man in your bathroom.
Babe, calm down, all right.
Breathe. Breathe. Come on, breathe.
It's o.k.
What happened?
Remember I was having trouble with the toilet?
But I didn't think it was that bad.
This is so awful.
I feel so bad for that poor man.
Does this mean we're not going to the pistons game?
Martin, call --.
I called half an hour ago.
No crime, no rush.
Then steal his wallet and call them back.
With a isiah thomas -pointer at the buzzer,
The pistons go to half time
Tied with the clippers at apiece.
This could be the seasons greatest game.
We've been sitting here for two hours.
Can we call anybody else?
We called --, the fire department, the police department.
We even called billy with the pickup truck.
And they all say,
"Stay with the body till -- comes."
What is --'s problem?
I think I know their problem.
--'S a joke. I know what's up.
I know how to get them over here.
Hi. How are you doing?
Well, look here.
This is thurston o'reilly iii.
Boy, I got to tell you, what a sad day.
Honey, bring me a martini.
I wish to report the death of one of my employees
On east rd street.
No, I'm a white man.
I tell you the truth.
Nothing makes my day more bright
Than waking up white.
Yeah, well, I mean, I can prove it.
Ask me anything.
O.k., Fine.
They want to know what america's favorite pie is.
Sweet potato pie.
Go with bean pie.
No, no, it's apple pie. Baby, say apple pie.
Good answer.
Apple pie. Good answer.
We're going to go with apple pie.
Got it!
I knew it was apple pie.
All right, here we go.
Huh? O.k.
Name two barry manilow songs.
Barry manilow? What?
Copacabanaand mandy.
Copacabanaand mandy?
Got it!
Good answer!
All right!
Woo! Woo!
Come on, bring it on.
All right, um, all right.
What do you put on a sandwich?
Hot sauce.
Yeah, yeah,
And some barbecue sauce if it's a hot links--
Hello? Hello?
[Makes buzzer sound]
Now, what do we do now?
Now, what do we do now?
E pistons win
In a record-breaking triple overtime, -,
On an isiah thomas jump shot.
I feel for those fans
Who left those five front row seats empty.
Watch his head, y'all.
What do you mean? He's dead.
Can we rest, please?
Just a little farther.
No, not yet.
All right, o.k., Now, listen up.
We're going to take him downstairs,
Lay him on the curb,
I'll pour scotch in his mouth, call a cab,
And say my uncle's on a curb drunk.
That's a good plan.
Martin, I can't do this.
Call a cab, all right?
No.
O.k. All right, fine.
Plan "b"--
We kick him down the steps.
Turn him around.
Wait a minute!
Where's your humanity?
You're treating him like trash.
What are we supposed to do,
Lower him on a rope?
Then we treat him like a piano.
This is a human being.
I don't care how desperate we are,
We're treating him with respect.
Put him on the couch
And say some words of remembrance.
What's wrong with y'all,
Talking about the lower on the rope and the piano?
Because this man's a human being, ain't he?
Excuse me. Can I go to the bathroom?
It will only take a second.
You're right.
Um, here, do it this way.
Cole, you roll him up.
Come on, man.
On the count of three.
.......
Ooh.
Get up.
You get his feet.
Cole, get his arm.
Bring him around. Move.
Will you get up, silly.
Take this.
Bring him around.
Lift him up. Go!
All right, here we go.
All right, let's do this right, o.k.?
Pam, pam, go get his tools.
Yeah.
All right, uh...
Does he have a wallet? We should know his name.
No, I already checked.
Cole, what are you...
Well, let's give him a name.
He looks like a michael.
He looks like a jimmy.
Yo, d.p.
That's a good one.
D.p.? That's so nice.
Where did you come up with that?
Dead plumber, baby.
Nice touch, pam.
Martin, say a few words, honey, o.k.?
Everybody get here on the heart
Because it's coming from here.
Place the hand...
All right.
A man was born.
He laid pipe...
And died.
Whew! Amen.
Forget it, martin.
Tommy, could you say a few words, please?
O.k., Let's see.
Brothers and sisters...
We are gathered here today...
Yeah.
To pay tribute to d.p.
Uh-huh.
We don't know if he was a good man, huh?
I said we don't know if he was a bad man.
Right.
See, all we know here,
He was a man.
Yeah. Well.
A ham sandwich-eating man.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
A no appointment-keeping man.
Yeah!
Go ahead!
A low-pants-riding...
♪ Low pants riding ♪
He's a t-shirt creeping...
♪ Creep, creep ♪
Say it four times.
♪ Creep, creep, creep, creep ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
I said he was a butt-crack-showing...
Butt.
♪ You, you ♪
♪ You, you ♪♪
You don't hear me.
Well, now, goodbye, brother d.p.
We wish you well on your journey
Because we know the good lord has called you home.
He must have stopped-up toilets.
Let us all say...
Amen.
Amen. Amen.
It's all right, brother. It's all right.
♪ I get weary ♪
♪ And sick of tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tired of livin' ♪
♪ But I'm scared of dyin' ♪
♪ But ol' man river ♪
♪ He just keeps rolling a-- ♪
♪ Ah-hoo ♪
♪ Ooh-haa ♪
♪ Long ♪♪
O.k., Let's just, um, have
A few moments of silence.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
[Coughing]
Yeah, ha ha ha! It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.
Nah, it's a stupor.
A what?
I have this condition that I fall into stupors.
It's hell waking me up.
But we checked for a pulse.
Hey, I'm fat.
Sometimes it's hard to find.
Thank god you're alive.
Yeah, well thanks for putting me on the couch.
Last time, somebody kicked me down the stairs,
Put me on the curb, poured scotch down my mouth.
Damn.
Well, anyways, I fixed your toilet.
Thank you.
I'll send you a bill.
Just remember, it'll cost you.
It may cost you a little, it may cost you a lot,
But it will cost you.
Yo...
This has been the weirdest night.
Yeah, but, tommy, you preached.
Thank you, baby.
Yo.
As weird as tonight was, it made me feel good.
We all sang and came together
And we were compassionate for our fellow man.
That's the way we should always act
Because life is so short.
Mm-hmm.
But it seems so long...
We you got to go to the bathroom.
My ex-girlfriend asked me if I loved her.
Ha. Do I love her?
Let's just say in the course of a four-year relationship,
I bought her a hat, a scarf,
A t-shirt, and a sweater.
We broke up...
[Gulp]
I let her keep the sweater.
Now, I know you cannot put a price tag on love,
But that sweater really set a brother back, all right?
How far should a man go for love?