01x11 - The Great Payne Robbery

[bunniefuu]

Crime is about to hit my home.

I'm not taking this lying down.

Tonight I'll take a bite out of crime.

I hope it don't bite back.

Martinis next.

Ah-choo.

Roscoe! What are you doing in here?

It is : in the morning.

How'd you get in?

Never mind how I got in.

I wanted to watch cartoons.

Why don't you watch tv at your own house?

I felt like watching it here.

Get your shoes off my couch.

Does your mother know you're here?

No. Does your mother know martin spends the night?

I want you out of my house.

You can't always get what you want.

Get your shoes off my couch,

Wipe your nasty nose, and get out.

I'll punch you. I'll kick you.

I'll stab you with my crayon.

You don't talk to me like this.

Get your shoes off my couch!

Oh!

[Upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

Lawrence, y'all.

What's up? How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ ♪

Martin, look at this. Everything's pink.

You should have separated the whites from the colors.

Babe, that would be r*cist laundry.

Stop it.

Damn.

Yo, these your b.a.d.s?

Martin, what are b.a.d.s?

Big-a*s drawers.

They're not mine. I'll just throw these away.

[Knock on door]

Now I don't have to buy that car cover.

How long does it take to get these off, a year?

Mrs. Porter.

I don't know what I'll do.

I'll have to live with the homeless.

What?

My apartment's been hit.

Hit?

I been robbed.

They took everything

Except the corns off my toes.

They didn't have a big enough truck?

Martin.

Aw, mrs. Porter, it's awful.

Could we do anything?

There's nothing you can do.

There's nothing anybody can do.

I'm the fourth person

That's been hit in two weeks.

What did the police say?

Move.

We should start one of those neighborhood watch groups.

I'd like that.

Neighborhood watch is just an excuse

For old hags to spy on people.

Now you're talking, sucker.

I'll have everybody here tomorrow night.

Why not at your apartment?

I don't want them old broken-down broads

Stinking up my apartment with that liniment.

Martin, I'd feel safer

Knowing there are people looking out for us.

You mean like mrs. Porter?

That may be good.

She did run mr. Porter off.

I'm just playing.

Mrs. Porter, we'll see you tomorrow night, o.k.?

Tomorrow night, :.

O.k.

And I'll handle everything.

And I'll bring that new cop

That's been walking the beat.

And don't you cook nothing I can't chew, sucker.

Hey.

Ain't these my drawers?

I was wondering where I left them.

O.k. Just once. I was drunk.

You didn't want me.

Yo, baby, can we get this started, please?

Sure, honey. Everyone,

Can we have a seat, please? Thank you.

You all know why we're here,

So let's thank mrs. Porter for setting this up.

Great.

Let me introduce the man

Who's going to organize our neighborhood watch--

Officer warren.

Officer warren.

Sorry.

I'm officer warren,

Here to talk about neighborhood watch.

Maybe you need to watch your head, partner.

Crime...

Is a problem in our neighborhood.

Every six seconds, a man is robbed.

Every seconds, a man is beaten.

The man ought to keep his a*s in the house.

Ee-oop. Ee-oop.

No. What the man should do

Is join neighborhood watch.

By joining with others,

You're like a flock of pigeons,

United in a common defense against the enemy.

Don't that make them easier to sh**t?

You're a funny one.

You know, I try.

O.k. Come up here.

Pretend you're a punk coming towards me.

I don't want to.

Go ahead, martin.

Yeah. Come on, martin. Show him.

Show him. Yeah. Go on.

Bam. O.k. I'm here.

What do I do now?

Nothing. You're in a neighborhood watch community,

And mrs. Porter is watching you

With binoculars right now,

And she's probably calling the police.

Not between : and : I'm not.

I'll be watching the reruns of sanford and son.

Yeah. Me, too.

Way to go, mrs. Porter. You go, girl.

Now, look here.

No disrespect, partner, all right?

But this neighborhood watch ain't happening.

O.k. You seem to have all the answers.

Why don't you stand here

And demonstrate crime prevention yourself?

Hey, o.k., Fine. I will.

What these people need to know, man,

Is how to prepare and act tough.

If they can take care of theirself,

They won't mess with you.

Everybody stand up. I'll show you.

Mrs. Porter, come on over here.

You got that little face that look tough.

Yeah. I'll show you.

Yeah. There you go.

Now, everybody look tough. Tough, bad.

Now, tough. A little tougher, though,

Because--yeah.

O.k. Grab your crotch. Bam.

Well, it's yours. Grab it.

I like this.

O.k. Now stroll. Look here.

Stroll. Stroll. Everybody, stroll.

See, now, at this point,

People move out of your way

Because they see your stroll.

See how you got yours?

All right. Now, spit with that.

Not on my couch, mrs. Porter.

O.k. Walk with it. Bam.

Punks are moving out of your way right now

Because they fear what you got.

Now stop. Bam.

Now, let it marinate.

Now, don't you feel tough?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Don't you feel like going home?

Yeah! Sure! Yeah!

Then get the hell out of my apartment.

Now...

That's how you scare people.

You're a statistic waiting to happen.

Uh-huh.

Here's my card. Hope you never need it.

I'm sorry things worked out the way they did.

Don't be sorry. Be safe.

Baby, baby, baby.

I am so glad we had this meeting.

I set those people straight.

Martin, do you honestly think

That telling those people to grab themselves

Will save them from crime?

I gave those people something

No neighborhood watch could give them.

I gave them confidence.

Let it marinate.

I'm glad we walked mrs. Porter home.

She's really shaken up.

Whoever hit her apartment

Left her with nothing.

The only thing they left

Was her high school yearbook.

Did you see what jesus wrote?

Martin.

What? I'm just playing.

Me and je-- jesus knows.

He joked, too, babe.

Uh-huh.

You know what, babe?

Mrs. Porter going to be all right.

She's a strong lady.

It's sad that robbers go

For the old and weak.

That is so true.

Damn!

Officer warren will be here any minute.

You need to finish that list of what was stolen.

You're right. Come on.

Where did I leave off?

Big-screen tv.

Martin, you didn't have a big-screen tv.

Not yet, gina.

And gold rolex?

You didn't have that, either.

I had eight of them, babe.

Eight?

They was in the pocket of my mink coat.

Did I forget that?

Martin, you're lying. You need receipts for all that.

I had receipts, babe, in the safe.

They took that, too,

Along with the diamond ring I was going to give you as a gift.

Diamond ring?

Diamond ring, clustered, -carat. Ding.

Oh, yeah! Now I remember.

Put that down, too.

You want two?

Give me that.

I was just joking.

Me, too.

Let me cross out this mistake.

It's been two hours. Where is that cop?

You ain't so bad without your boys, huh?

What boys?

I saw your video.

You was real good.

Why not hit me?

Why do that?

'Cause sheneneh going to get paid, so hit me.

I'm not going to.

Oh, oh! Stop it.

Why you hitting me?

Stop hitting me.

No justice, no peace!

Stop that!

I am not hitting her.

No--no justice, no peace!

No hands.

Oh...no!

Sheneneh, leave that man alone and go home.

Ah, I know what you're doing.

You think because you're a witness,

You'll get a piece of the pie, but no-o.

Sheneneh ain't giving up one red dime.

Move, please.

Ohh!

Why'd you do this, mister? Why?

I've fallen, and I can't get up.

Well, well, well.

What a surprise.

If it isn't mr. Grab-your-crotch- hawk-and-spit.

Pshhh. Whatever, man.

As you see, they stole everything.

I'd have thought that gangster stroll of yours

Would have scared them off.

h*, wow. Look at me.

I'm scared.

h*, I'm so scared.

Whatever, all right?

Look, they stole everything.

They took my tv.

Why not stroll down to the department store

And buy another one?

Chill with that stroll stuff, all right?

So we're not getting anything back?

Forget it. It's with elvis.

Best way to get stuff back

Is don't have it stolen.

What stupid advice is that?

Hey, the lady downstairs--

I actually told her to move.

Aren't you even going to file a report?

Sure. Got a missing items list?

You better believe it.

I got to put some more things on it, too.

All right, then send it along.

Maybe next time you'll take me more seriously.

Damn japanese architects.

See? He's a joke.

What do we do?

What do we do?

This is our building.

Me and my partners are going to take it back.

Martin, what are you thinking?

I ain't thinking anymore.

I'm going to handle it my way.

Hey, what's going on in here?

Oh, martin's got another stupid plan.

We're helping catch the thief who robbed him.

How will you do that?

Set him up.

He put a big-screen tv box downstairs

So the thief will think he bought new stuff.

All week he's been lying on his radio show

About some concert he's going to tonight

Between : and :.

What if the robber doesn't listen to his show?

He told cole's mama the same story.

You know mom. It's all over town now.

You're right. He'll be here.

Hey, hey, hey...

What are you doing, man?

Snuck right up on you, cole.

How come you wasn't at your post on the roof?

'Cause it's slanted, and I keep falling off.

I told you to wait by the dumpster.

Man, that trash stinks.

So does this excuse.

Get down and give me .

Not.

Gina, what are you doing here?

This is no place for a woman.

We might need a nurse. Boil some water.

Cole, get up. Everyone, pay attention.

This is serious. He'll be here any minute.

Now, let's review what I taught you about self-defense.

Gina, if I got this-- pay attention.

Martin, I can take care of myself.

I took self-defense at the "y."

The "y," gina? Ha ha!

Why ask why? At the "y."

Well, that's fine, gina,

If you're being attacked by the village people.

Now, this is serious.

Now, pay attention,

'Cause I can't be there all the time.

No, don't you--

Don't you move!

Tommy-- watch out, cole.

Hold him.

Now...

Gina, cole!

Did i--didn't I tell you...

To pay attention?

You know you better pay attention.

All right.

Now, look, listen, and learn

Why I'm the master at this.

Hey, how you doin'?

So...you like stealing from people, huh?

Ooooiy!

That's for my vcr.

Oy-oy-oy-oy...

A-a-a-a-aaaya!

That's for my tv.

Aa-aa-aa-aa-ya!

Aa-ya!

That's for mrs. Porter. You hurt her feelings.

Aa-aa-aa-aa-ya!

Aa-ya!

That's...

For james brown going to jail.

Ya! Ah-ah!

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to steal?

Hey, hey, martin, martin, martin, martin.

Come on, man. Come on, man, chill.

Ahh...

Oh...you're right.

Yeah, you're right.

Yaaaah!

Calm down!

Stop it!

Let him go!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Martin!martin!

Come on. Come on.

Martin, take a deep breath.

Break in mydamn house!

Take my tv!

Martin!

Come on.

Stop it. Just breathe.

Inhale.

There you go.

All right.

O.k.?

I'm sorry.

I thought that was a real robber.

Aah-ya! Ya!

Come on. Come on.

Relax, o.k.?

It's all right.

[Telephone rings]

Let me down, tommy. Let me get the phone.

Gina, grab me the phone.

Hello?

Yeah, mrs. Porter?

Are you sure?

She says someone's on this floor with a ski mask.

Now, look...

O.k., Now, mrs. Porter,

Lock your door and call the cops.

I'll handle it.

So I'm crazy, huh?

I'm a fool?

If I'm so stupid, how come I'm about to be robbed?

Take your positions.

[Rattling]

Somebody's turning the doorknob!

Shh. So be quiet.

You be quiet. You're talking.

Oh, like you ain't talking.

Yaaaaa!

Aaah!

Oo-oo-ooh!

Yaaaaah!

Take this!

Yaaah!

I got him, tommy.

No. I got him, martin.

I got him, tommy.

O.k.

Yaaa!

Turn on the light.

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Hey, martin!

Ya-ya-ya...

Hey, martin, martin, martin...

Get him.

Yaaa...

Gina--

I taught you well, babe.

It's officer warren.

Tommy...

O.k., You got me.

I'm a criminal.

It all started when I was a kid.

I had no toys, so I stole some.

No pet-- I stole one.

No wife-- I stole my brother's.

You know what, man?

You're sick.

You have a problem.

All right, freeze!

Freeze, damn it! Freeze!

Hey, freeze, punk! Freeze!

Come on. Give me a reason. Come on!

Hey, why it got to be all the time about the brothers, huh?

This is my place, man.

It's not me, man. I live here.

W-well, we got a call from mrs. Porter.

We caught the robber who's been robbing our apartments.

This is sad, man--

Getting robbed by a crooked cop.

This guy's no cop.

He's a scam artist.

Didn't you ask for any identification?

Yes, I asked for identification, officer.

It says right there "officer william warren."

Ha ha!

It's in pencil.

Hey, you.

Let's go. Come on.

Mr. Payne,

Your belongings are at the precinct.

I want it back!

Let's go!

All right, I'm going.

One last confession before I leave.

Your girlfriend felt me up in the dark.

You're so-- you're a fool!

♪ ♪

Fellas, I want to talk about women and money.

Did you ever notice, like, around payday,

Yourcheck becomes ourcheck?

Your lady says stuff like,

"When do we get paid?"

And, "did we already put our check in the bank?"

And I'm thinking,

"There's a lot of we-we going on here.

We did you start speaking french?"

So, think about it.

When your lady starts speaking french,

Start speaking spanish.

Adios.

Rrrr-ge-ge-ge-ge-ge!