01x14 - I've Got a Secret

[bunniefuu]

[Knocking on door]

Ah-choo!

Good morning, roscoe. What are you doing here?

Well, I ain't jehovah's witness.

Watch your mouth.

No. Buy my peanut brittle.

It's only $. A can.

Isn't that a little expensive?

I got to get my cut off the top.

You are much too young

To be thinking about making money.

You should go to school

And learn your mathematics and history.

What do I want to know about history for?

Only damn presidents I want to know about

Is the ones in my wallet.

Can I have my change back, please?

I'm going to give you your change.

See? Mm-hmm.

Look, you gave me too much money back, roscoe.

I did?

Yes. Hey, go to school.

Learn your math because you can't be a millionaire

If you can't count to .

You're right. I'll go to school.

But you sell my peanut brittle

At work today, all right?

When I come home, you'd better have my exact change,

Or I'll knock you out.

I'll bet you then I know how to count to .

You have no respect.

You'd better sell my candy!

My mama don't like you anyway!

You'd better sell my candy!

Get out of here, you bad little thing!

I ain't having no kids!

Witch, you'd better have my money!

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

How y'all been? ♪ Martin

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

Girl, I got to tell you,

The stew last night was dee-licious!

You liked that, huh?

Ha ha! Yeah.

Oh, baby, damn.

What's wrong?

I mean, look. Look how fine I am.

Why am I wasting this face on radio?

Maybe 'cause you're saving it for me.

That's right. Saving it for my baby.

Give me luscious.

Damn, girl, like kissing two melons.

Just mmm-ah!

Ooh!

Goodness!

Hey, martin.

Yeah, baby?

When was the last time you washed dishes, martin?

When was the last time you was over here?

Why don't you just buy a dishwasher?

No, babe. Because I could never find one

As beautiful and sexy as the one I have now.

Why do I get the feeling I'm being played?

Hey, you stop that.

I don't play you no more than you play me.

What? I do not play you.

Yes, you do. Does this sound familiar?

"Would you pump the gas?

"I don't know where the nozzle goes.

Where is the gas tank? Is it in the tire?"

Well, is it?

What do you do when I'm not with you?

I play some other guy at the gas station.

I'm just--god, o.k.

You busted me. You satisfied? I'm busted.

No, I'm serious, babe.

Women play men, and men play women.

That's just the way it is.

Now you're starting to sound like pam.

I'll k*ll you if you tell her this,

But whenever pam wants something at work,

She wears this tight black and red dress,

And she always gets a day off or a raise.

I know that dress.

Last time she wore it, I got a raise.

What up? What up? Whazzup?

Look, we're back.

You already know what we're talking about.

We're talking about sex in the workplace.

Talk to me, detroit. What's up?

Hey, martin.

Brother, man,

I'm all for sex in the workplace...

Especially on my desk.

Well, just watch out for the stapler.

Now, get out of here.

Look, people,

We're talking about sexual manipulation.

Next caller, talk to me. What's up?

Take it from me,

Sexism is alive and well where I work.

I'm so tired of you women whining about being played

As if you don't do the same thing to men.

We don't.

Yes, you do. Look, my girlfriend's best friend,

Whenever this woman wants something,

She wears this tight red dress

That shows off her pa-da-da-da-da!

Spla-dap-blap-bla.

You men won't listen to us unless we dress like that.

Are you dressed like that now?

No. Gotta go.

Martin, I have to talk to you.

Not now. I'm watching the game.

It's important!

Not now, gina. I'm watching the game!

Not now you're not.

Aw, damn! Aw, damn!

Girl, have you lost your damn mind?

Why don't you two take that in the bedroom?

Martin, I can't believe

You repeated what I told you about pam.

No, I can't believe you told martin something

I told you was a secret.

You told me how you felt all the way over here.

Hey! Grrr! What are you talking about?

Martin, how could you go on the air and tell everyone

That pam wears that dress to get a raise?

I never said that.

Yes, you--

No, never.

Yes, you did! I heard you on the air!

The whole office heard it.

Now I remember.

I may have said something

Like that to that effect--

That is exactly what you said, martin.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

I never said her name.

Girl.

They didn't even know who I was talking about.

Just that part when you was talking about pam.

See? Even cole figured it out.

Martin, how could you?

You asked me not to tell pam. I didn't.

You didn't have to.

You just told the whole damn city.

Don't hate me because I'm popular.

Martin payne, you apologize to her.

Not!

I will do no such thing.

If I did something wrong, I'd apologize,

But I did nothing wrong.

If pam didn't wear that dress in the first place,

She wouldn't have told you in the second place,

You wouldn't be over here in the third place,

I wouldn't miss the game in the fourth place,

And you two owe me an apology in the fifth place.

Martin, you better apologize to me.

No! O.k.?

If I'd have known it was secret secret,

I wouldn't have let it get out.

When it's secret secret, I lock it down.

It don't get out.

O.k. So I guess it was no secret secret

That when the first time you two made love,

It was over for you before it even began.

I told you!

Pam!

Hell no!

I told you.

Hell no! You told her that?

No!

You did, too!

You wasn't supposed to say nothing, gina.

Baby...

What?

All you ever said was don't tell the guys.

O.k., It's on now.

O.k., Uh, did you tell pam

About the video you made for me on my birthday?

♪ Mmm mmm mmm mmm ♪♪

Martin!

I'm so glad I never told youa secret.

Oh, really, cole?

How come you told me that tommy owns a toupee

That he only wears when he goes grocery shopping?

[Coughs]

What?

Who told you that, cole?

Martin.

[Martin] no.

No, no, I never said that.

You are the only one who knows about this, martin.

I should have known you couldn't keep a secret.

You got big ears and a big mouth, too!

[Arguing]

Martin was the one that said cole was a virgin

Until he was .

Hey, that's no secret.

Everybody knew he was a virgin at .

I'm going to k*ll you.

Did you tell them about gina's cooking?

What?

Said it's so bad,

The homeless give it back.

Aah.

The stew. I loved the stew.

It looked like alpo, but I loved it.

All of this stems from martin's big mouth.

I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.

Me, too.

Come on. Hey, hey.

Hey. Aw, man, come on, y'all, all right?

Don't leave...

Until I put you out. Get out!

Get out!

I'll catch you in hell.

You'll be the only one there still living with your mother.

Where are you going?

I'd let you know, but you'd just tell everybody.

Hello.

Yo, tommy.

Pick up the phone.

Come on, man. Pick up the phone, man.

I'll buy you another toupee.

I'm just joking.

Tommy, pick up the phone.

It's me, martin.

I know you ain't still mad about yesterday.

Tommy.

Forget you and cole, man.

You know what?

You act like a bunch of girls, man.

But that's all right. I don't need you.

If you call, me and gina won't be here.

We got new hang-out partners, you punks.

Punks, martin?

They're dying to make up with you now.

Well, who needs them?

You do.

You do. No, I don't.

They're your friends.

What should I do?

You embarrassed pam on the radio,

So there's only one way to make it up.

How?

Say something embarrassing about yourself

On the radio.

Oh, no.

Sorry. I can't do that.

Martin,

That's the only way you could set things straight.

We won't be hooking up with our old friends.

I got my pride.

Next time we argue,

Are you going to throw that relationship away, too?

No, I won't, babe.

See, the next time we have an argument,

If I'm wrong, I apologize.

But if I'm right, which I will be, you'll be apologizing.

No problems. You ready to go?

Yeah, martin, but I'm not feeling this.

I'd really rather be at that en vogue concert

With tommy, pam, and cole.

Hey, forget en vogue.

O.k.?

We hanging with stan now.

Stan is our permanent hang-out partner now,

All right? O.k.?

Get used to it. That's it.

[Knock on door]

Gina, I don't want to hear no more about it.

Look out now.

Hey, man. What's happening?

All right. All right.

Now, now, i--i got to do this.

Wait a minute. Let me feel that.

Oh, man.

Whoo! Ow, it bit me!

Oh.

Got you again.

I'm joking. What's your name?

Uh, yeah, uh...

What is your name again?

Don't start with me, stanley.

She just mad 'cause I ain't fed her yet.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they get that way when they don't eat.

Look at gina.

Hi, I'm gina.

Oh, hi. I'm myra.

I know you got an attitude, skinny as you are.

I hope you ready to hang,

Because I'm ready to get my boogie on,

On, on, on.

All right.

Yo, man, we couldn't wait for you to get here.

Me and gina was talking,

And this is the first of many nights

Of us hanging out together.

Right, gina?

Right, martin.

I got the whole night planned.

Basically, we just going to get into my limo,

And we going to cruise until dawn.

Because, martin, gina,

The freaks come out at night.

Uh, stan, look here, man.

Look here.

What do you mean "cruise all night"?

I thought we were going to the club.

Martin, what do we need with a club?

Come here, baby.

If we were in a club,

I couldn't hear my kitten purr.

Ooh.

Ohh.

Oh, daddy.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ohh.

Wait a--wait a minute. Wait a minute, myra.

Save it for the limo, baby, o.k.?

Sean's parking it right now.

[Whistles]

Whoo.

Oh, damn.

Uh, who died?

Don't tell me martin went ahead

And k*lled that little light-skinned girl

For getting on his nerves.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I know you.

You're shenandoah.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, you didn't.

What did you call me,

Shenandoah?

Oh, no, o.k.?

It's sheneneh. Say it with me.

Sheneneh. Sheneneh.

And don't you ever forget that, all right?

Martin told me all about you.

Martin been--

Ohh.

I know what you thinking.

You really want to come here.

Ohh.

You want to get with me

Just like martin does, huh?

You want yourself a sister, don't you?

Oh, no. Won't happen here,

Because sheneneh ain't with the swirl.

I don't swirl, o.k.?

O.k.

O.k. So let's wake up, people.

All right?

Well, I got to go.

Well, you do that, o.k.?

No sister here, all right?

You remember that.

Take your temperature.

You know what you got?

What?

You got sheneneh fever, that's what.

♪ You got sheneneh fever ♪

♪ You got sheneneh fe-- ♪♪

♪ Cheated on my woman ♪

♪ She cut off my hand ♪

♪ I did it again... ♪♪

Yo, babe.

This is great, right?

Ha ha!

Stan got us a limo.

Tommy and cole ain't never got us no limo.

Martin,

This is a hearse from his funeral parlor.

Ohh.

Well, I guess we won't be stopping

At no red lights.

This is our song.

I know.

No, not you.

Me and darnell from the post office.

Now, that man knew how to treat a woman.

What the hell do you call this?

A nightmare.

Come on, babe.

Loosen up, all right?

Stan got us champagne.

Martin, it has a twist-off cap.

That's because stan was thinking, baby,

All right?

Those corks could put somebody's eye out.

Then you'd be leaving me, gina,

Because me and you can't see eye to eye.

I'm not in a laughing mood, martin.

I--

Here, everybody.

How's about a bit of the bubbly?

No.

Little bit.

Ah, ah.

All right. Now, here's a toast.

To stan and myra,

Our permanent hang-out partners.

Ah, yes.

Ow! Aah!

Aah! Ooh!

Sean!

Sorry, everybody. I fell asleep there for a minute.

That swerve woke me up.

Oh, stan.

Look at this. I'm all wet.

You going to have to buy me a new outfit.

Like hell I will.

You owe me . For your half of dinner.

Yo, that's ., Stan.

She had cheese on that, man.

Charging me for dinner.

You ain't right, stan.

Men ain't nothing but lowdown sleazy dogs.

Ain't that right, girlfriend?

I don't know.

Maybe you haven't met the right man yet.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I didn't mean you, stan.

Well, how many men you think I'm seeing?

I don't know. I don't care.

Uh...but I do.

How many men are you seeing?

Uh-oh.

You started something now, girlfriend,

And I know why.

I see the way you been looking at stan all night.

I was not!

Why not?

You're too good for stan?

Yeah.

Look at him.

Go on. Look at him.

I don't want to look at him! Martin?

I don't want to either.

Stop talking to gina like that.

I'll talk any way I want.

It ain't your hearse.

It ain't your hearse either.

Looking at your makeup, it'll be yours soon.

Oh, now that's it.

You going to let him talk to me like that?

Well, damn, myra. It's not like he was lying.

I don't have to take this.

Stop the hearse, sean. Stop right now.

Ow!

It's either going to be them or me.

It's me. It's me.

I'm out of here.

Stay here if you want to,

But, look, what you need to be doing

Is being home

Trying to figure out an apology.

All right, gina. Calm down.

All right.

I'll go on the radio tomorrow,

And I'll apologize, babe.

Hang out for a little while.

It ain't that bad, gina.

Come on.

Ooh hoo hoo hoo!

Stan...

Could you crack my toes?

You know how it makes me feel.

Ooh.

I think I'll start with that little pinkie toe.

Ohh, yes!

Hell no!

Hell no!

Hell no! I'm out of here!

Baby!

Baby, don't leave me!

Five seconds...

, , , .

Yow!

What up? What up?

We're back. All right.

Before we wrap things up,

We're going to go out on a different note.

I got to set things straight.

I said something on my show

About a friend that I shouldn't have.

So, to make it up--

Huh--

I got a little confession to make.

Here we go.

Damn, this is hard.

But I'm a man. I could do it.

This is for you, tommy,

Cole,

Pam.

All right.

One night, two years ago,

Before I met my girlfriend...

I tried to sleep with my neighbor sheneneh.

I, uh...

I went over to her place...

But she wouldn't even answer the door.

All right! I got it out.

I hope y'all are happy.

If you're not, go to hell.

I got to get out of here.

This is martin payne. See you when I see you.

Peace!

[Sighs]

Sheneneh.

Damn!

I can't believe you told, man.

I have to hand it to you, martin,

That was a deep secret.

I never would've guessed it.

Ooh, we even now, my brother.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Yes, please.

Please, let's just leave it in the past, o.k.?

What is important

Is that we are all partners again.

Yeah.

Hey, guys...

What?

Give me love.

All right.

All right.

[Gasps] [gasps][gasps]

Whoo!

We going to play some cards?

Strip poker.

[Knock on door]

[Sheneneh] open the door!

Martin, open up!

Oh, my goodness.

Baby, I didn't know.

Come on home.

You come on home!