01x25 - Variety Show

[bunniefuu]

It’s that time of the year, martin.

It’s wzup's rd annual talent fest.

Oh. Well, correct me if i’m wrong, stan,

But didn’t last year’s talent fest

Consist of you dancing with three old stank strippers?

Martin, we made a lot of money.

Those girls picked up a lot of dollar bills.

Yes, sir, money sticks to strippers

Like stretch pants to a fat lady.

You all are bugging, man.

Look, if you’re going to do a show, all right,

Make it for a good cause. Raise some money.

Do a benefit.

Martin, this is for a good cause.

My pad needs some new shag carpeting.

You’re out of touch.

Why don’t you let the new jacks handle it?

Okay, i’ll produce it and i’ll make it for a good cause--

A*DS research.

Oh, martin, that is a good cause.

Besides, all the strippers I know are sagging, man.

You know, their tassels would just sweep the floor, man.

All right, martin. You are on.

You going to get good press, man.

I mean, think about it, stan.

When was the last time you were in the paper

And you wasn’t going like this?

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

♪ Lawrence, yah

How y’all been?

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

Hey, baby, people are lined up down the hall

And around the block.

Yeah, ever since people found out you were giving this A*DS benefit,

They been buying tickets like crazy.

What? Y’all didn't know how large I was?

Yeah, martin. You the man.

Um, honey, cole is outside on line.

You’re not really going to make him audition for you, are you?

Yes, gina.

I made tommy audition, and you’ll audition, too.

I mean, you good and everything,

But, uh, you ain’t all that.

Well, can’t we work something out on the casting couch?

Well, I don’t mix business with pleasure.

Excuse me.

Call in the next person for me.

Number .

Whazzup?

O.k.

O.k. O.k.

O.k. O.k.

All right. All right.

Uh-huh.

Whazzup, baby?

O.k.

Name.

What you mean?

Name.

[Laughs]

Hey, martin, it’s me.

I’m your boy, cole brown.

What do you do?

Duh. I clean airplanes.

Duh.

What do you do in the talent show?

Well, I do a really great michael jackson impression.

Come on, let’s see it.

No, daddy. Daddy, no!

D-daddy, no! No, daddy, no!

Daddy--ooh!

Daddy, no. No, daddy.

Ow, hoo, hee hee hee hee.

Oh! Hey!

Thank you.

All right, now.

Thank you, mr. Brown. If you’re in the show,

My assistant sean will notify you tomorrow.

Cool. I hope I make it.

Well, you never know, you know? It’s a tough business.

But we’re finished with you for now. Bye-bye.

That was cool?

Yes. I liked it.

Ahem.

Bye-bye.

O.k.?

O.k.

All right.

Martin, that was really cold.

Martin, don’t you think you’re taking this producer thing

A little bit too far?

Hey, hey, hey. Do not hate me because I am good.

Call in the next person, please.

Number , please.

Hi. How you doing?

Name.

Travis.

What do you do? What, rap?

[Beatboxing]

What?

No, this is what I do.

Yeah!

Come on!

Whoo!

[Gina and pam] whoo!

[Gina and pam] ♪ ha

Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

So, what do you think?

I think you out your damn mind.

You come in here climbing on people’s furniture

And everything like you crazy,

Like you ain’t got no home training.

Oh, hell, no! Please, be gone.

Be gone!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I have lunch.

Oh, about time. I’m starving.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

What are you doing, sean?

Uh-uh!

No, he didn’t!

I don’t like plain chips.

You don’t have barbecue?

Nacho will do, I guess.

Ahh.

Martin, I know you’re not going to eat now.

You got people waiting out in the hall.

Let them wait! Okay?

I don’t need them, tommy.

They need me.

He’s tripping.

He’s losing it.

Damn it, tommy!

What? What is it?

You know I do not like tomatoes!

You know what?

Martin’s bugging.

You telling me.

His name is all over this program.

Look. Written by martin payne.

Produced by martin payne.

Directed by martin payne.

Starring martin payne!

Program typed by martin payne!

Who does he think he is--spike lee?

Ever since he started organizing this thing,

He thinks he’s mo' better.

Mo’ butter.

Ha ha! O.k.!

Ha ha. All right.

What the hell is going on here?

Huh? Why aren’t you rehearsing?

Do I have to do everything around here?

Please! My chair.

I am very tired.

Now listen. We got to go right away.

Please try to keep your pieces to five minutes or less.

[Beep] keep it tight.

Tommy, do not just sit there digging in your ear.

Get up and do your spiel--

Your thing you do.

Let’s go!

Oh. Such a migraine.

This is a monologue from the play confession of--

Cut!

Look...

What?

Oh!

What is this-- a script, tommy?

You don’t know your lines?

What were you doing all weekend?

I was with you all weekend. We was getting ready--

That’s no excuse! Please, please. Come on. Come down.

Look, just please come on down, tommy.

That’s the last time he throws something down

In my face again.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Do not have an attitude

Because you don’t know your lines.

Gina, you’re up.

Now, listen. My name is all over this show.

You are my girl.

Do not embarrass me.

Right away, please!

Oh!

Let me count it down.

Hold. ...

, , .

♪ Push

♪ You got to push

♪ Come on, now, push

♪ You got to push it till you get it right ♪

Cut!

Oh!

You have to sing it till you get it right.

Look...

You are not without talent.

You’re just sadly misguided.

Okay, now, project. Reach those people in the back.

Look, stand over here and see what i’m doing.

Stand and watch what i’m doing. Make love. Push.

♪ You got to push

♪ You want to push

Push it out of there. You can do it.

All right. Count it down.

, , , ...

♪ Push

♪ You got to push

Push. You’re not pushing, baby. ♪ You got to push

♪ You got to push

No, push it.

♪ You got to push push it harder!

You got to push.

You are not pushing.

You got to push.

Push it!

[Pam] gina?

Are you singing

Or are you having a baby?

Thanks for making a fool out of me!

Stupid!

[Tommy] gina, it wasn’t that bad.

Fine. Fine, leave.

You’ll never make it in this business.

Leave her alone, martin.

What’s up with you, man?

Yeah, why you tripping?

What? I’m tripping? Is that what y’all think?

Huh? Yeah, that’s right.

Well, then leave. Be gone. Disappear.

Okay, I don’t need you. You need me.

I’ll do the show by myself.

You know, i’m doing everything else around here anyway.

See? I wrote it. I’ll produce it.

And most importantly,

I’m starring in it.

Poof!

Be gone.

Martin, you out of your damn mind.

Well, that’s what they said about george washington carver

And his peanut,

But your asses are still eating skippy.

Martin.

Martin.

Don’t you think you should have

A little trust in your performers

That they’ll get it together by show time?

When I want your opinion...

I’ll give it to you.

Poof!

Oh, I know where the door is.

Be gone!

Shouldn’t I trust in my performers.

[Al pacino voice] who do I trust?

Who do I trust?

Me.

That’s who.

I crush you like a c*ck-a-roach.

♪ You got to push it till you get it right ♪

Boo! Aw! Boo!

Get off the stage!

Your mama got it right last night!

M-m-my mama?

Yeah, your mama!

And tell her I want my air jordans

From under her bed!

Th-that’s why nobody don’t like to come here

And do a show in this neighborhood,

’Cause y'all ignant.

Get off that stage!

Hey, man, i’m gonna tell you you better be thinking about

Eating that tomato,

’Cause you throw it, all hell’s going to break loose.

’Cause I ain't no punk! I ain’t no punk!

Yo, man. Yo, stan, they tripping!

Look, martin, you got any other acts lined up?

Stan, I had to fire them, man. They were weak, stan.

Well, I see what i’m going to have to do.

I’m going to have to save the show myself.

Boo! Boo!boo!

Calm down.

Calm down.

Yeah, i’m stan winters,

The proprietor of wzup.

Hold on, now.

I’m going to sing a little family classic for you.

You know what that is. Maestro.

♪ Meet me

♪ Meet me

Boo! Boo! ♪ Meet with with your black drawers on... ♪

Dear, god, I beg you.

If you get me out of this one,

I’ll be straight up from now on.

Ey-eee!

Hey. My friends. Welcome back.

We’re not here because of you.

Yeah, martin. We thought about it

And we realized that this cause

Is even bigger than your ego.

Mm-hmm. And that’s pretty big.

Yes.

We know you need help, so we here to do our part.

Hey, listen. Listen.

I know I was bugging, right?

But I was caught up in this whole producing thing.

I thought that’s how you had to be

You know, to have a great show.

Hey, come on. Forgive me.

It’s for charity, you guys.

I don’t care!

We forgive you.

Ohh!

Give me love.

O.k.

♪ Meet me with no drawers on ♪

♪ At all

Boo! Boo! Boo!

You all right, man?

Yeah, man. But I brought the house down though.

Better than last year.

[Booing and yelling]

Pam, gina. Do your thing. Sing for me.

You got to do something. Go!

And it better be good!

Take it off, sisters!

Damn! Baby got back!

Don’t make me go in my pocket, donkey kong.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hi.

I’m gina waters.

And i’m pamela jameson,

And we going to do a little something something for y’all.

[Piano plays]

♪ Hold up the light

Come on, everybody.

♪ Save the world from darkness ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Hold up the light

♪ Won’t you please, america? ♪

Martin, look, I really hate to break this to you,

But I can’t do my magic act.

Come on, tommy. You know I need all the acts I can get.

I know, but my assistant is in no condition

To pull a rabbit out of a hat.

No, but I can pull a mad dog out of my purse.

Mad dog -.

O.k., Miss porter.

Let’s go and have some coffee, okay?

Don’t be pulling on my church clothes.

I’m sorry. You look so nice, too.

Yo, man, you want me to do the michael jackson?

No, no. No michael. No michael.

So what about my prince?

Let me see it.

Ooh ah!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Uhh!

[Coughs]

♪ Hold up the light

♪ Oh, hey

♪ Save the world from darkness ♪

♪ Oh, yeah

Hold your light a*s up--

Get off the stage.

Get off!

Ain’t nobody trying to hear all that

Hold up the light.

Keylolo and sheneneh is here.

Keylolo and sheneneh

And a half.

Yeah.

So we about to rock this.

We about to do this.

Y’all trying to hear us rock this?

♪ Say go, neneh, go, neneh, go ♪

♪ Go, neneh, go, neneh, go ♪

♪ Say go, lolo, go, lolo, go ♪

♪ Go, lolo, go, lolo, go ♪

♪ Say uh uh uh uh ♪

Keylolo! Keylolo, stop.

How much crowd participation you going to do?

Start it up. They trying to hear this.

Y’all trying to hear this.

[Music starts]

Go, girl!

♪ Don’t nobody know me like my homey ♪

♪ So open up that phony ♪

♪ Sheneneh ain’t halfway phony ♪

♪ Don’t be shy if you ain’t rich ♪

♪ Sheneneh ain’t no trick ♪

♪ Better have a grip ♪

♪ And if you ain’t got no rims on your hooptie ♪

♪ Don’t be tellin’ us, stupid ♪

♪ Golly, just let a sister be ♪

♪ You want some, but you can’t get none ♪

♪ Uh-uh, I ain’t havin’ that ♪

♪ You want some

♪ But you can’t get none ♪

♪ Oh, no, I mean, you can’t get with this ♪

♪ You want some, but you can’t get none ♪

They call you at : in the morning

Talking about can I come over?

Hell no. You cannot come over.

Ain’t nothing open but fast food places

At : in the morning.

Then you be mad. I’m like, damn!

Thank you.

You’ve been great.

Oh...

For me?

He gave them to me.

Why sheneneh want to be like that?

Strike your pose.

Remember we talked about, strike your pose.

Yeah!

We love y’all,

And we thank y’all for all this support.

Thanks for all the mail.

All right.

We did it. We rocked!

Not you again!

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Get out of here.

[Booing]

I ain’t going nowhere. I ain’t running no more.

I don’t care what y’all think about me,

’Cause I got talent.

I’m going to be all right.

Most of all, I got friends.

Yeah, friends. Yeah!

They came through for me tonight.

Thank you. I love y’all so much.

Thank you now, tonight isn’t about me.

It’s about something much bigger.

The money we raised tonight is going towards A*DS.

You see, there are a lot of people out there suffering from this disease,

And we want to let them know that we care.

I mean, if it affects one person, it affects all of us.

We ain’t trying to stop fighting until this battle is over.

Pam, give us a little something something.

Take us home.

[Piano plays]

♪ I don’t worry ♪

♪ About tomorrow

♪ I just live

♪ From day to day

♪ I don’t borrow it from ♪

♪ The sunshine

♪ Though the skies may turn ♪

♪ To gray

♪ Many things about

♪ Tomorrow

♪ I don’t seem ♪

♪ To understand

♪ But I

♪ Know

♪ Tomorrow

♪ And I know

♪ And I know

♪ And I know

♪ How to hold

♪ My head

Whoo! Yes!

All right!

Yes!

One more time!

Give her more money!

Give her some money!

No money?

Hey! Hey!

Where the butt naked strippers at, man!