01x26 - Baby You Can Drive My Car

[bunniefuu]

O.k., Mommy. Bye-bye.

Where’s martin?

He went to go pick up the tickets

So we wouldn’t have to wait in line.

[Knock on door]

Wait in line?

Why don’t we just sneak in the side door

Like we used to do?

Yeah. Shut up.

Oh, it’s just you, roscoe.

Well, you are not exactly...

A day at disney world yourself.

Honey, what do you want?

I want you to get a smaller head,

But I ain’t got no control over that.

Here. Look, buy my raffle ticket.

You’re going to win a car.

How much are they?

$.

$?

What you complaining about?

It’s not like you’re spending it

On afro sheen or nothing.

No! Stop! Stop!

I’m good for it.

Take this. Take it.

I’ll put in for martin.

It’s only $ apiece.

Somebody’s got to teach you some manners.

They need to teach you some manners.

Hey...

Watch your mouth!

Don’t holler at me. Here!

You ain’t got to holler at me. You ain’t my mother.

I’ll call the child abuse line on you.

-Child abuse.

I know the number.

Hello.

Roscoe, little boy.

What?

This ticket says $.

Well, the other is for the hotel fee.

So whazzup, pam?

You know you’re not too old

To end up with your face

On the back of a milk carton.

Well, at least my face wouldn’t make the milk go rotten.

Tommy, let me borrow your belt.

No! No!

No!

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

♪ Lawrence, yah

How y’all feel?

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

Hey, martin.

Martin, your refrigerator won’t open!

It won’t open because I put a lock on it, tommy.

I mean, why don’t you brothers

Try buying me something for a change?

Yo, yo, I bought you them t-dapes.

Yo, man, thank you very much.

Now all I need is an eight-track player,

And i’ll be good to go.

That’s right.

We won! We won!

We won! We won!

We won! We won! We won!

Whoo! Whoo!

What did we win?

We won the car.

We won the car!

When do we pick it up?

Oh, no. It’s already here.

We got it.

Oh! Let’s see.

Right there. The white one.

The white one!

Oh, my god. I don’t believe it.

Yo, an amc gremlin.

That’s my dream car.

Not that one, you moron.

The new one next to it,

The four-wheel drive.

That’s a nice one too.

Anyway, I say we sell it and we split the money.

No! Not! Never! All right?

This is our car. We’re going to share it.

How are we gonna share it?

What if we all want it on the same night?

We do what you should do at the gym, pam:

Work it out.

If we’re going to do it, let’s do it alphabetically.

I mean, I get it first, ’cause "c" is for cole.

And then--a-b-c...

I won the car.

It’s mine.

Stop. Enough. Cancel it.

Yo, chill!

Bust this...down.

I mean, you act like

You ain’t never got nothing new before.

Now, this is how we gonna do it.

Gina, you got it on monday.

Tommy, you got it on tuesday.

Pam, you got it on hump day.

Very funny.

Cole, you got it on thursday.

I got it on friday.

On saturday we share it.

And on the seventh day, she rests.

Okay, that seems to work out well.

You know, martin, i’m very impressed.

Oh, yeah?

What, the way I set the schedule?

Nah. That you knew the seven days of the week.

Anyway, I want tuesday.

[Car stereo plays]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Yeah!

No, thank you!

[Moaning]

[Speaking gibberish]

Yeah!

Your window’s got to be clear

If you want to know where to steer.

Excuse me. You’re making it worse!

No, baby.

You got to have vision

If you want to drive with precision.

Hey!

It’s just my luck.

Wait a minute. Hold on, now.

[Speaking gibberish]

I know you, don’t i?

Huh?

Your name lena, right?

That’s gina.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I may not know the name,

But I sure know the game.

Gina. Gina.

I dream of gina, huh?

What’s the matter?

You can’t call nobody?

You can’t pick up the phone

And find out when visiting hours are?

I’m just filling out my community service here.

My probation thing gonna be all right.

Huh?

That’s the light. Got to go.

What you doing, girl?

Aah!

Aah!

You can’t shake me.

I been working out in the joint.

You broke my mirror!

Just drop me off at the corner.

Go away!

No!

Aah!

Aah!

Make a left up here.

Get off my car!

Oh!

Ooh!

Whoo! We got us a man!

What you got? What you got?

We got us a man.

I ain’t trying to cheat on him,

Because I got us a man!

You ain’t got me!

Ladies, ladies.

Hello, ladies!

Do you mind? Thank you!

Dang, tommy.

We just trying to say we got us a man, that’s all!

I mean, dang!

Excuse us, m.c. No-hair!

We just warming up for the club’s all.

See, if that old man don’t move,

We gonna be late.

Could you hurry up? Thank you.

Driving like you ain’t got no insurance!

Tommy, pass him!

Look, I can’t pass him.

Somebody broke my side view mirror.

Well, since you ain’t gonna pass him,

You won’t be needing this then, tommy.

Will you stop grabbing that?

I got to get my face done!

I got to get ready for the club.

Girlfriend, you want to borrow my lipstick?

It’s called caramel custard in the snow.

Girl, please, all right?

Thank you, but no, thank you, all right?

I don’t be using nobody else’s lipstick,

And you know especially not yours, bonquisha.

I know where your lips were last night.

You just jealous.

Oh, you guys just chill!

I think I lost one of my earrings!

Keylolo, o.k.? Please.

It is not like anyone’s going to notice.

I mean, you got on pair.

Shut up, sheneneh.

Tommy, look, if you find my earring,

You better give it back to me.

I don’t want to see none of your skeezers

With my earring on.

What are you talking about, kahlua?

Ooh! Ooh!

Kahlua?

My name is key-lo-lo.

You got it?

K-e-y...

Lo... Lo...

Lo. Lo.

Don’t forget it, baldie.

I got it, all right? I got it.

Yeah, well, just don’t forget it, o.k.?

Keylolo?

I got to tell you something.

Your mother was tripping when she gave you that name.

Oh, my goodness.

My mama was tripping when she gave me my name?

Your mama was tripping when she gave you sheneneh!

Wait a minute!

Everybody like sheneneh!

Everybody like sheneneh!

Sheneneh is the b*mb!

Sheneneh is the b*mb!

No.

Tommy, I know you ain’t laughing, tommy.

Tommy, look, just get us to the club before :.

Ladies get in free.

See, tommy, they just tripping.

Don’t you worry about it, baby.

I think you are so fine.

See, bonquisha always did want her

A tall, bald, sensitive man.

That way, I can close my eyes

And be pretending i’m with montel williams.

Will you cut it out? Cut it out.

Come on, baby, tell me who your guests are, baby.

Get your beer breath out of my ear.

That ain’t me. That’s keylolo.

She been eating chitlins again.

That’s right. Now i’m thirsty.

Pass the , girl.

Don’t you guys open that in this car.

See, tommy, they should’ve did like me, tommy.

I drank mine before I left the house, tommy.

You know why? Because i’m a lady.

You drank the whole ?

Try two, tommy. Huh?

I like to get my buzz on

Before I get to the club, okay?

Because I am not paying no $

For no daggone fuzzy navel or no screaming orgasm.

[Horn honking]

I told you you was driving too slow.

Who the hell you beeping at? Oh, no, you didn’t.

Oh, no, you didn’t. I will hurt you, all right?

[Horn honking]

Is that your wife,

Or is your dog walking backwards?

Oh, god!

Put on your seat belts.

I ain’t got a seat belt.

I’ll sue for . Million.

Oh, god! Somebody call jacoby & meyers.

Oh, my god!

- Come on. Hurry up.

Let’s keep on moving, people.

Let’s just keep on moving.

The nighttime bank security guard is here.

Let’s go, yoko ono. Move it out.

Imagine there ain’t no money around here, yoko.

Move it.

Say, boy.

What you doing punching in all them numbers, boy?

What you got, a bank account in switzerland or something?

I’m checking my balance, if you don’t mind.

Yes, I mind.

Move on out the--

Boy, I said move out of the way, boy.

What you got here?

What you got here, boy?

Well, well, well.

Boy, look like you about to be mad as hell.

You can’t afford to put cheese on a waffle, boy.

Get out of here.

Come on, boy. Let’s get to moving, boy.

Look, old man, you better back off before you get hurt.

Old man? Yeah.

So I gots to be a old man, huh, boy?

I guess you work out a lot, huh, boy?

Pretty, ain’t it?

Ooh, pretty. I’d like to touch them muscles.

Step off, man.

I better step off, huh, boy?

I guess you’re a growing boy.

Drink a lot of milk, huh, boy?

Huh, boy? Show you what I got, boy.

You want some of this?

Boy, I wants a lot of that.

Show you what I got.

Look at you, boy.

Getting ready to take you down, boy.

Getting ready to take you down, boy.

Getting ready to take you down, boy.

Whap whap whap whap whap.

Get out of here.

Aah!

Boy, get on up out of there.

Get on out there, boy.

Ain’t got no money, boy.

I’m sorry, little lady.

I just got confused, you know,

Worrying about the bank robbers and everything.

Come on, and step right on up.

We’ll get you a little money.

Wait a minute. Is this your car?

Is that yours?

Yeah, i’ll move it in a minute, okay?

No, what you gonna do is

Move that car right now.

Move that car right now.

What is your problem, grandpa?

My problem is, girl, missy pooh...

My problem is, this is in a no parking zone.

What’s the matter? It’s not red enough for you?

I got to change it from bright red

To blind-as-a-bat red?

Move this car right now.

Move this car.

Wait a minute.

Grandpa, what is your problem? What’s going on?

My problem is,

I’m getting ready to move this car piece by piece.

Now move this damn car.

I said move this damn car!

Now, move the car.

Listen, captain kangaroo,

You cannot go around vandalizing people’s cars.

Kangaroo? Watch how I hop on this car.

Wait a minute.

Okay, i’ll move it. I’ll move it.

I’ll move it. Here. Take your hat.

Get it on out!

I’m telling you, don’t ever park here.

Move that car on out of here.

Burn it on out.

And don’t come back here.

Where the hell is my good & plenty?

♪ Whoo! He’s stroking to the east ♪

♪ He’s stroking to the west ♪

♪ He’s stroking to the one that I love the best ♪

♪ He’s stroking ♪

Whoo, he’s stroking.

You got me stroking.

You got me stroking.

Prescott ain’t got nothing on you, edna.

Right, child.

Oh!

Oh, lord!

Girl, look over there.

Ain’t that deidre's girl vanessa?

Ooh! Child, I done heard

She done divorced her fourth husband

Right after he done paid for the plastic surgery.

That’s what I heard.

Believe me, she done had more than a few good men.

You know, I always said she was looser than my teeth

After a taffy apple.

[Honks horn]

Cole! Sit up, put both your hands on that wheel,

And fasten that seat belt.

Come on, ma. Just trying to be cool.

Stop sweating me.

Sweating you? Look at you sitting there all slouched over.

That was your father’s problem.

He had more problems than that.

He was hell when he was sucking that bottle, wasn’t he?

He sure was.

Shut up, now.

Can’t you see the boy's sitting right here in the car?

You right. Cole? Now, i’m sorry.

Your daddy was a fine man, cole...

Especially when he was sucking on that bottle.

Evelyn, look.

Ain’t that your niece?

My, my. She ain’t missed many meals, has she?

Judging by all the trash all over this car,

Neither has cole.

It smell like day-old cabbage in here.

Evelyn, if it smell like day-old cabbage

Everywhere we go, then maybe it’s you.

Maybe you just stinking.

Watch it.

What the hell you laughing at?

Your wig still got the damn tag on it.

Ooh, child, no. I’m glad you told me.

I’d have went in there thinking I was looking cute.

We know that ain’t true.

I was trying to fix the door over here.

It’s broke.

You got to take care of your new car.

It’s starting to look like your room.

Cole’s car? This ain’t cole's car.

This is martin’s car. He bought the ticket.

Well, excuse me.

Too bad he was too cheap

To put his own money in.

Now, what I heard-- this is what I heard, now--

Gina had to pay for martin.

That’s what I heard.

Well, y’all done heard wrong.

Now, you didn’t have to go there.

You didn’t have to say that about my baby.

Look, it ain’t no secret.

You raised one cheapo son.

Then your son was raised in a damn pigsty!

A pigsty! Girl, that’s it.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey!

What’s going on back there?

What you hollering at grown folks for?

You stay out of our conversation.

You ain’t too grown

To get back-slapped from the backseat.

That’s right, boy. You better watch your manners.

Don’t you ever talk to mrs. Payne like that again.

Isn’t that vanessa?

You know, I heard

That she divorced her fourth husband--

Hey, hold on,hold on.

If that’s vanessa, we’ve been driving in circles.

Oh, man, that’s it.

You done got us lost, mattie.

He should’ve made a left, mattie.

No, no, no. I’m sure it's a right.

No, cole. Make a left.

No, go right.

Right now!

Aah! Whoo! Oh!

Last time I felt a bump like that,

I had twins.

Girl, you got us lost, mattie.

Your son done got us stuck on the curb.

There’s the bingo hut right there.

We here.

Here we go, y’all.

Get your big asses out.

Thank you very much for the ride, baby.

[Baby talk]

Yeah, girl. Mmm.

Ah. Nothing like a romantic evening

At the drive-in with my baby.

Thank you, baby. This is really romantic.

You like that?

Hey, martin? It’s just freezing back here.

Can you roll up the window, please?

We can’t, tommy. You broke it.

Who broke the mirror and the windshield wiper, gina?

Yeah.

I feel a draft up my legs.

Who put a hole in the floor?

Cole!

Excuse me.

I was trying to do y’all a favor

Putting the speakers up in here.

On the floor, cole?

Hey, had it worked, man,

It would’ve been bumping, you know, surround sound,

But y’all don't know nothing about that.

This car’s already worse than cole’s.

You know what?

This was a big mistake sharing this car.

We need to get rid of it.

We should’ve sold it

Like I said in the first place, martin.

Yeah. Yeah, martin.

You know what?

Y’all going to disrespect me up in my car,

All y’all can get out. Get to stepping.

Shut it up, zip it, and throw it away!

This is not your apartment.

You can’t kick us out.

This is our car. There!

Yeah, it belongs to all of us now, see.

That’s right.

Yeah, well, not for long, all right?

’Cause I'm about to put a rug on the hole,

And i’m selling it to some fool tomorrow.

All right. Good.

I think y’all should be shutting up.

You three need to find somebody.

That’s true.

We just feeling sorry for you.

Well, i’m sorry, y'all.

Hey, hey. Let’s just quiet down.

It’s the last night with the car.

Let’s just enjoy it. Please?

Then you stop flipping on me.

I’m not flipping on you.

Keep your mouth shut.

Cole, get your hand off my thigh.

Sorry about that. Thought it was your breast.

Well, it’s not.

Well, you got a hell of a goose bump on your knee, baby.

What’s the matter, baby?

Get him away from me.

Don’t come over here, cole.

Okay! Okay! I’m tired of y'all.

I’m moving up front.

Excuse me.

Aah!

Cole! Yo, man. What you doing, man?

Get off the thing, man.

Ah! Nice and roomy up here.

Martin, why’s everybody leaving?

All at the same time.

Everybody’s not leaving. We’re rolling backwards.

Cole, did you take the brake off?

Is that what that was?

Crash!

Ah...damn!

Smash!

Can’t pick up a phone

And find out when visiting hours are?

I’m just working out my community service.

Filling it out. Know what i’m saying?

My probation thing gonna be all right.

That’s the light. Got to go.

No. No. Oh!

What are you doing, girl?

I got what you...

Aah!

You can’t shake me!

I been working out in the joint!

You broke my mirror!

Just drop me off at the corner.

Go away!