02x13 - Thanks for Nothing

[bunniefuu]

Now, here's my good skillet.

Martin's got so many pots and pans here,

You'd think somebody'd know how to cook.

I know how to cook.

This is what I'm making for thanksgiving dessert,

A chestnut soufflé.

A chestnut se-who?

If you want to cook something, peel those taters,

And don't stop until your hands are bloody.

Breathing down my back, up my neck.

Make mama think you want something.

Well, I don't swing that way, all right?

Look, it is thanksgiving today.

My parents are coming all the way from philadelphia

Just to meet you.

It would really mean a lot to me

If we could call it a truce for just one day,

O.k., Mama?

Mama?

You ain't no kin to me.

Why do I even have to meet your family?

It's not like you and my son's ever getting married.

Yeah, I said it.

Whoa, lord, oh!

Got my blood pressure all up,

Trying to cross the families!

[Telephone rings]

That would k*ll you, wouldn't it?

Don't play with me, gina.

[Ring]

Hello.

No, martin isn't here.

Really?

What a surprise!

No, we'd love to have you.

Yes, yes, o.k.

The address is east rd street,

Apartment .

O.k. O.k.

O.k., See you then.

Bye.

Ooh, martin's letting you answer his phone now?

He must be getting soft.

Who was that?

That was your brother junior

And his son sonny.

They're in town. Looks like

They're going to stop by. Surprise!

Oh.

Oh.

Junior?

Sonny?

You gave them the address?

You told them to come here?

They're your family, and it's thanksgiving--

Oh, gina, no!

You done done it now!

You done done it!

Aah, aah, aah, aah.

I got to lay low for a few days.

I'd tell you where,

But I'm afraid they'll sweat it out of you.

Oh, no! Damn the steps!

I can't go down the steps!

Oh!

I'll buy you new dishes.

What do you think--

Shut up!

I'm going to get out of here.

What do you...

Gimme my shoe!

I'll call you later.

Wait, wait, wait.

Aah!

Aah!

[Thud]

Oh! Move out of my way.

Mama's on the move!

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

* Martin *

How y'all been? * Martin

* Martin *

* Martin *

Can of collard greens, box of mashed potatoes.

Yeah, baby, uh-huh.

Canned pumpkin pie, gina?

I mean, now that's a damn shame, baby.

Thank you for ruining my favorite holiday.

Appreciate that.

I didn't know what your family was like.

Yeah, gina, they out there.

They wild. They like to show out.

Who else did you invite?

My boy tupac?

Snoop doggy dog, huh?

Levar burton, the king and i, tom and jerry?

They all want a piece of this.

Maybe they'll hit it off.

They'll hit it off.

My uncle junior will hit on your moms.

Your pops will hit them.

It be one big turkey bash up in here.

Happy thanksgiving.

Happy thanksgiving.

[Gobble gobble]

[Snap] aiiee!

Gina, pass me the pork rinds.

The game's about to start.

In a minute, cole. Check this out.

Gina ran my mama off again

And invited a couple of my crazy kinfolk.

Calm down, man.

We all have crazy kinfolk.

See, in my house,

Can't get big mama to keep her drawers on.

Wait a minute, tommy.

We're talking about martin's family here.

I'm petrified.

Well, you should be

'Cause my cousin sonny,

He think he's eddie murphy.

Check it out. He a straight-up thief.

I got to tell you the truth,

So watch your valuables.

Wait a minute. You ain't got to tell me twice.

Pam, you ain't got to worry.

Cousin sonny knows swap meet jewelry when he see it.

Shut up!

My uncle junior's who you got to worry about.

He's trouble when he drinks,

So give me the beer. Give me the wine.

Cole, go in the bathroom,

Dump all the cough syrup and mouth wash.

Cole, before you do that,

Just swish a little bit around your mouth.

Take it to the back. All right, baby.

Yo. Now check this out.

Y'all going to trip out.

My, uh, uncle junior is very sensitive

About his lazy, crazy eye.

He's c*ck, o.k.?

I'm serious. Don't laugh 'cause it's not funny.

He hurt his eye in nam.

Gina, you'd think he's talking to you

When he's really right here.

It'll be like return of the dead eye.

Hey, yo!

[Mumbling]

You might want to stop playing.

The last brother that did that

Wound up in the hospital.

Right. What did he do to him?

Let's just say you'll never see him modeling

A pair of drawers.

Well, guys, look on the bright side.

I'm cooking my first thanksgiving meal.

Good luck.

Cole, uh, what time big shirley

Say she was frying that turkey?

Uh, from about : till :

We running a bit late.

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, fine. Y'all going to leave? Fine.

We ain't mad at you.

You sure you don't want no canned pumpkin pie?

See y'all later. Take care.

Happy thanks. Boom.

Uh, bitty bead.

Y-you could be gone, uh--

Is it bitty bead or silk now, o.k.?

You--you can be gone, too.

I would, martin,

But I have no place else to go.

Oh, well, I guess I'm the head man in charge.

Ladies, bring it to the front.

Now check this out.

Follow my lead, and we can have my cousins out of here

Before gina's parents get here.

Baby, I need you.

Need you to cook the food.

You can do it. It's your mission.

Love's in your face.

Hey. Love's in your face.

All right. Go ahead.

Me. What about me?

This is special, talking for once

And not always cutting on each other.

Right, right, definitely.

I need you more than ever.

I need you to do what you do.

What?

Run men away.

I think they leaving.

They just passed the apartment.

Shh. Don't say anything.

Now, whose a*s I got to kick

To get myself a beer up in here?

Whoo.

Well, uncle junior, cousin sonny,

Thanks for dressing for the occasion. Whazzup?

That you, martin?

Yeah.

Sonny, check out martin, all big and everything.

That body never caught up with those ears, though.

That's martin?

Yeah. Give him a hug.

Aah! Aah!

Oh!

Hey, you kind of strong.

Hey, you know.

Looking like the golden child.

You like my outfit?

I got this up on sammy's suit shop.

I could get you one.

No, no.

Hey, all right.

Ooh.

Nice watch you got on there, cuz.

Yeah, this is a nice watchi got on,

And it tells time real good.

Right now, it says what, uh, : to :...

Lockdown.

* Be-bum *

* Roxanne *

* You put out a red light *

* Roxanne, put out a... **

I see what you getting at.

Thanks for letting me know.

Aah.

This your second hug.

All right, all right.

All right.

Whoo.

Yeah.

Whoo.

Now, look at you, martin.

You got two tenderonies in the house--

Vanilla and chocolate.

Two big old dips. You're just like your uncle.

Yeah, well, you know,

Got to put my bid in for my dips.

This is my sweetie here.

This is gina. She's doing all the cooking,

And, uh, this is, uh, her lonely friend pam.

You a bad pam-a-jamma.

I got my eye on you.

Which one?

What? What?

Pam, pam.

What?

Calm it down.

Bring it down.

Bring it down.

I didn't--

She didn't--

I didn't--

She wasn't--

She didn't mean it, o.k.?

She meant what dip you talking about,

Chocolate or vanilla?

Talking about you, chocolate.

Better watch your tongue.

I'd hate to have to sh**t up another kitchen around here.

Edna!

Where's edna at? Edna!

Um, uncle junior, my mama's not going to be here, man.

Yeah, but she said

She was really sorry she missed you.

That's what she told us over--yeah.

What?

My sister's not coming?

Oh, no, man!

Oh, I know, I know.

Don't--don't let-- no, man, listen.

I know. You got to go.

It wouldn't be the same.

This would be nothing.

I know, I know.

I love my kinfolk.

If you're ever in town, try and find me.

Hey.

We're here.

Happy thanksgiving.

Mommy, daddy.

Martin.

Yeah.

Come here, mommy.

Hi, sweetheart. How are you?

Hi. It's good to see you.

Dr. Waters, mrs. Waters, uh,

My kinfolk was just getting ready to leave,

So they want to say bye-bye.

Bye-bye? But we haven't even had a chance to meet them yet.

Nadine, if they must leave,

Let them go.

Hell, no.

This where the party is.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mama's a brick house.

Daddy, mommy, you guys are early.

I wasn't expecting you for another two hours.

We caught an earlier flight.

We called you at your place,

But you weren't there.

All night long.

Now, cliff.

I know martin keeping gina busy all night long.

If he's anything like me,

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Uncle junior, man, chill, o.k.?

These are my girl's parents. Chill.

Y'all get busy, ain't you?

Yeah, we getting busy.

I mean, just last night out on the fire escape...

Let's not talk about this in front of my parents.

O.k. He pulled me into it.

I'm going to go check on dinner.

Can I help you with your coat?

Thank you.

Yes, yes.

Yo, sonny, I got that.

No, man, let me get his one.

Let me get this one. Damn.

All right, fine, fine, o.k.?

You know...

It looks good, sonny.

It will look good in the penitentiary, too.

I'm sure a lot of fellas

Want to dance with you.

Penitentiary, fellas, dancing, huh?

I see where you're going.

Cool, right, you know?

Yo, sonny. Sonny, sonny, sonny, sonny,

Where you going, man?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Be-bam. Straight ahead, o.k.?

Yeah, yes.

Smell the aqua fresh.

Straight ahead.

Thank you.

I thought--

[Imitates eddie murphy's laugh]

You know what, gina,

Now that I think about it,

I do have someplace to go.

Oh, no. You're not leaving me

In this hellhole by myself.

Uh, doc, how many pushup can you do?

Uncle junior, don't start that, man, please.

I have no idea.

Well, let's find out-- you and me.

To make it interesting,

The one who do the most pushups

Will be strong for red.

Whoa! You're so pretty,

Like a sweet glass of wine.

I'm not getting in competition with you over my wife.

Martin, keep count.

Come on, come on, uncle junior.

.

Bang!

.

Bang! Bang!

.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

You better jump in. He's three ahead.

.

Nadine, please don't encourage him.

Come on, cliff. He's funny.

I mean, my uncle junior takes your wife,

Maybe she's not the woman you thought she was.

Got a little freak in her,

Want to go home with the army boy, you know?

I'm going to go check on the yams.

You're going to have to hurry up with this turkey.

I can't keep this together much longer.

Martin, relax. It's almost done.

Are you sure, gina,

Because it looks a little ashy around the elbows?

Don't complain about my cooking.

I'm not--

Shut up.

You're not doing such a great job hosting this party.

I'm handling my business.

Oh, you're handling your business?

Then what is that?

Cliff, stop.

Can't you see I'm busy?

Hold on a second.

Let me get a better grip.

Ha ha ha.

Red, give a big kiss to the winner.

Hey, that's it. That's it!

Hold up, hold up. You're a doctor.

There ain't going to be no fighting.

I will not hold up

Until cyclops here stops eyeballing my wife!

Oh, no, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

No, no!

You ain't talking about that bad eye.

Yeah, I did.

I'll start kicking some a*s up in here.

Let's see what you got, popeye.

I'll show you what I got in my boot.

He's going for the boot!

You got something? Well, I got something, too.

She's about to start capping!

She capping!

Woul everybody get up.

Nobody is capping anybody.

Martin, get up.

Tell your mama to put away the g*n.

Let's go. Come on, gina.

No.

What?

Daddy, I'm not going anywhere,

And neither are you.

Martin and I will be together for a long time,

And we'll all have to learn to get along.

We're family, all of us.

That's right. You're right.

We are family, you know?

I'm talking.

I'm sorry.

Um, we're going to sit down,

We're going to give thanks,

And we're going to eat.

I ain't got nothing to be thankful for.

You people are crazy!

Junior...

You should be glad that you still have one good eye

Because I've been tempted

To take that out all night,

Just sling it.

I thought she'd say fling, but she said sling.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Sonny, you're not eddie murphy, o.k.?

All right?

And daddy...

You should be thankful that you're still willing

To make a fool out of yourself for mom.

Ha! That's right. There it is.

You know why?

Because everybody plays a fool sometimes.

Hey, baby, happy thanksgiving.

Can we eat?

I'll carve the turkey.

Thank you, daddy.

Thank you.

My first turkey.

Hey, baby, he arsenio now, huh?

One turkey.

Here you go.

My first turkey.

Hey, everybody, listen. Please listen up.

This is my baby's, uh, first turkey,

Our first thanksgiving.

This special, girl. You something. Uh...

Let's give praise to the man upstairs.

Without him, there's no us.

Put the head down.

Bow. There it is.

So, please...

Please, please, let's eat.

You're special. I love you.

Carve it up, daddy.

Turkey time.

Carve it up.

Oh!

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Mm-mm-mm.

Now, that's a good turkey sandwich. You hear me?

Martin...

Yeah, baby?

Thanksgiving was horrible.

Oh, no, it wasn't that bad.

I mean, our families got together,

You know, and thank god there was no bloodshed

Except for the turkey.

That's what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful I have you.

I love you, martin.

Say--say--say that again.

I said,

I love you.

I love you, too, girl.

Hey, love's in your face.

Love is in your face.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, baby.

What's up?

Yo, bro' man, hold on.

No. I'm tired of this, man.

You ain't going to keep disrespecting me.

Whazzup, bro' man, whazzup?

My bag, but this ain't for me, though.

What?

It's for your mama.

My--my--

My mama?

No, man, your real mama.

She up in my apartment.

What is my mama doing at your apartment?

Nothin',

Just chillin'.

Say she's laying low from the relatives,

So we just going to make a couple of sandwiches

And set this thanksgiving off.

If you're looking for us,

We upstairs.

Uh-huh. Fifth floor.

Yeah.


Aah!

Aah!

Yo. You didn't have to quit.

I was going to give you your money.

Oh, man.

Aah!

Peace.