05x05 - The Heavy Rider

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

Ed, get up. It's noon.

Come on, get up, Rip Van Winkle.

You got it out, honey.

Tim, command the lightbulbs.

Horse overboard.

Wilbur, what are you, some kind of a nut?

Ed, you can't sleep all day.

Do you mind if I try?

I want you to wash your face, comb your hair, brush your teeth,

and after lunch, I'll take you for a nice little ride.

If I do all those things, I'll be too tired to ride.

Wilbur, will you come out a second?

Coming, Gordon.

Now, Ed, I'll...

Oh, Wilbur, boy, have I got news.

A letter from Winnie?

No, no, she's having too good a time

visiting her family to ride to her ever-loving husband.

Well, this is better than that.

I've got a deal that can make us both rich.

Are you interested?

Well, sure, but don't expect me to drive the getaway car, huh?

Oh, no, no, no.

A wealthy friend of mine, Herbert Banning,

is flying in today from New York.

He's building a shopping center out here

and wants to let me in on it.

What do you think of that?

Well, that sounds very good for you, Gordon,

but where do I come in on this?

Well, that's what I want to tell you.

Now, look, in the letter, he asked me to recommend an architect.

Wilbur, do you realize what your fee

on a $10 million shopping center would be?

Ten... Yeah, well...

$10 million.

Let's see how, uh...

Yeah, that's, uh...

Ten... My fee would be, um...

$10 million.

Oh, let's see.

You take a percentage, you multiply...

No.

No, no...

$10 million...

Oh!

Gordon, I've got an attack of something.

Oh!

And you're the genius who's going to plan

a $10 million shopping center.

A $10 million shopping center?

Do you really think Mr. Banning

will hire Wilbur to draw up the plans?

Well, I gave him a big build-up.

The rest is up to Wilbur.

Oh, I'm not worried. I'm a pretty good salesman.

Then why did it take you so long to talk me into marrying you?

I was checking the rival products.

Hey, look,

what is this Banning interested in?

Golf, tennis, baseball, wine, women, song?

No, he's married.

Has no interest, huh?

He likes to go horseback riding.

He just loves horses.

Well, bring him on over. He can ride in.

Is that so?

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Herbert.

It's good to hear your voice.

Welcome to California.

Uh, well, I told you he'd call.

Where are you staying, Herbert?

Oh, you're still at the airport.

Tell him I'm busy.

I'm booked for months in advance.

But if he's in a hurry,

I can start first thing in the morning.

I would love to invite you to stay with me,

but my wife's out of town visiting her parents,

and I couldn't entertain you.

Let me speak to him.

Oh, just a minute, Herbert.

Wilbur Post is here, and he wants...

Yes, he's the architect. He'd like to talk to you.

Hello, Mr. Banning.

Look, why don't you stay with us?

We have a very nice guest room.

My wife insists.

Hey, Gordon tells me you love horses.

Well, I've got a great Palomino.

Oh, he's big, strong.

You'll feel light as a feather.

So he's light as a feather.

Should be a nice vacation from heavy old Wilbur.

Sure sounds like a wonderful horse, Mr. Post.

Yeah, it really does.

And I do appreciate the offer.

Fine.

Now, if you'll just give me a minute,

could you give me the address?

Honestly, Wilbur,

I think it was very thoughtless of you

inviting Mr. Banning to stay with us,

but the house is a mess.

Relax, dear.

Mr. Banning's only gonna stay with us

long enough for me to drop the plans for his shopping center.

But we've never entertained a millionaire before.

I don't even know what to feed him.

Yeah, feed him the same food we've been eating every day.

Just serve his bacon and eggs under glass.

Honey, be yourself.

Don't let him frighten you or make you nervous.

A taxi cab is pulling up.

It must be Mr. Banning.

Now, don't get upset. You haven't got a thing to worry about.

Now, you just let him in, and I'll take care of the stain on the rug.

Okay.

Uh...

Oh!

I'm sorry, dear. I won't.

I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it.

Oh!

Hello, Mrs. Post?

Yes.

I'm Herbert Banning.

We've been expecting you. Please come in.

Did you have a nice flight in?

Well, they tell me it was a little bumpy over Kansas.

Didn't you feel the bumps?

Uh, with my weight?

Any part of the plane I sit in has smooth sailing.

Is your, uh, husband home, Mrs. Post?

Oh, yes, yes.

He...

He was just here.

Wilbur!

Hi.

Oh, where did you come from?

Uh, originally, Connecticut.

My family moved out here,

and I studied architecture at UCLA,

went into business, got married.

My name is Wilbur Post.

Gordon has a lot of confidence in you.

Tells me that you have a lot of ideas

for my shopping center.

Oh, good. We can discuss them later

during our usual mid-afternoon caviar break.

Oh, fine.

Uh...

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to wash up a bit

and maybe take a ride on that horse of yours.

Yeah.

My aching back.

Uh, tubby's not riding me.

You don't put a horse

on a horse.

Ed, I haven't got time to play games.

Mr. Banning wants to go for a ride.

Uh, tell him to throw a saddle

over a taxi.

Look, he is not that heavy.

Oh, no.

He's got fat in places

where you're not even supposed to have places.

Ed, you're exaggerating.

Oh, yeah?

If you put us both on a seesaw,

my feet would never touch the ground.

Ed, look.

I'm asking you to do this for me.

You see, if Mr. Banning

likes my preliminary sketches,

why, he'll hire me to do the plans

for the shopping center, you see?

And you can help out

by being nice to him.

Uh, couldn't I

just lick his face?

You mustn't keep Mr. Banning waiting.

Come on. Come on, Ed.

Well, there he is.

All set, Mr. Banning.

Hello, Wilbur.

That's a mighty powerful

looking animal you've got there.

Yeah, he's strong as an ox.

You could ride him all day.

Hey, help.

Oh, all right.

Okay.

Like it used to be.

Up you go.

Hey.

He feels

real good.

I could ride him all day.

Oh, he feels

real good.

Hello, boy. Come on, let's go.

Here we go.

Come on, boy.

Let's go.

Come on, boy. You can do it.

Boy, he's heavy.

He's heavy-heavy.

He's fat.

Gee, I'd feel

terrible if he cracked

one of Ed's hooves.

Wilbur, I almost fell.

I wish you'd fix that crack.

Yeah, sure, dear, sure.

Carol, are we being fair

with our horse?

What do you mean?

Mr. Banning, he's a 300-pounder.

They even have a maximum load for elevators.

Oh, come on, Wilbur.

Mr. Banning might be a big man,

but Mr. Ed weighs 1,200 pounds.

You're right.

I guess Ed just doesn't want to go to work.

Honey, please,

first chance you get,

will you please cement this patio floor?

Lazy horse.

If he had to go to work,

he'd probably just live off unemployment checks.

Hello, Humane Society.

I'd like to report

a suffering horse.

What's he

suffering from?

Overweight.

No, it's not

the horse. It's the fat man

riding him.

He weighs 300 pounds,

and most of it is all in one place.

I tell you, lady,

my back is so sore.

I mean

the horse's back.

Keep forgetting

I'm a horse.

Uh-oh.

Ed, who are you talking to

now?

I want my spine x-rayed.

Spine x-rayed? Why?

I think Tubby put a groove in my back.

Come on, you're just exaggerating.

I am not.

How do you think Camel's got that dip in the middle

from carrying fat Arabs?

I'm sorry, Ed.

You'll have to keep carrying Mr. Banning

until I finish these plans.

He's liable to finish me first.

Oh, come on, Ed.

Uh, you love

your horsey, don't you, buddy boy?

Sure, Ed.

And you don't want to see his little

tummy scraping the ground, do you?

Do you?

Hmm?

What do you mean you're not going to let

Mr. Banning ride your horse anymore?

Now, we've got a big deal going with him,

and it's up to us to keep him in a good mood.

I'm sorry, Gordon.

Justin, he's too much

for one horse.

Nonsense. Now, I've seen both you and Carol

ride Mr. Ed at the same time.

What's your combined weight?

I'm 170, Carol's 102.

That's what she tells her friends.

Actually, she's 110.

Together, that makes, um,

280 pounds.

So?

What, that phony horse, he conned me.

Of course he did.

Horse conned him?

You heard me, Ed.

Carol and I, together, weigh as much

as Tubby. Mr. Banning.

It may be so, Wilbur,

but with you two, I'm carrying

family fat. My own

flesh and blood.

I'm sorry, Ed. Mr. Banning enjoys riding you.

Now, it's most important for me to keep

his goodwill. So, tomorrow morning, you get

up bright and early, and you hit the trail.

But, uh, it's cold

in the morning. What if I feel

sluggish and can't get going?

Then I'll call the auto club to come over

and get you started.

Horse haters.

While Wilbur's

working on his plans,

I got a few of my own.

Here comes Wilbur.

Oh, boy.

If my

scheme works, I won't have to carry

his fat friend anymore.

Better get these shoes off.

One.

Two.

Three.

Hi, Ed.

Any phone calls, Ed?

No, sir.

What's the matter?

I think I'm

getting shorter. I may wind up

a pony. That's ridiculous.

How could you get shorter?

Every time Tubby bounces on my

saddle, he hammers me closer

to the ground. Oh, come on.

My stomach's so low,

it rubs out the white line in the middle

of the road. Don't be funny.

Wilbur, honestly, look

at me. Was I this

shrimpy yesterday?

You...

You look a little shorter.

But that could

be the way you're standing.

Or it could be the way

Tubby is sitting.

You can't be shorter.

Get the tape measure, and I'll show you.

Where is that

tape measure?

Here.

Here.

If you don't think I'm shorter,

measure me. Okay, Ed.

Now, let's see.

You've always measured

exactly 60 inches to the ground,

right? Yeah.

There we are.

55 in...

55 inches?

You are shrinking.

You're 5 inches shorter.

That's right. You're not

losing a horse, you're gaining a mouse.

I can't believe it.

You'll believe it when you see a cat

chasing me around the house.

Yay.

Somebody

has made this tape measure longer

so he would appear shorter.

Hmm.

Somebody

has also thrown his shoes off.

I wonder who

that somebody could be.

I've had enough of your tricks.

Now, you listen to me. You're gonna...

Don't you turn away when I'm talking to you,

young man. You're gonna carry Mr. Banning

just as long as he wants.

Now, we'll continue this discussion later.

I have a lot of work to do.

I can hardly wait.

Now, you cut that out.

Gee. Boy, when I was a kid,

horses had more respect for their elders.

Get in your stall.

All right.

I'm not through yet.

I got a few more tricks up

my hoof.

I like the way Wilbur's laid out the parking area

for the supermarket. I really do.

Except I wondered why he allowed

so much space.

Have you ever seen a woman driver try

to back up? Not me. I'm too busy

running for my life.

Hi. Good morning. Hi, honey.

What do you think of the preliminary sketches? Oh, they're fine.

They're just fine, except I was

wondering, uh, this area here,

uh, just what did you have

in mind? Oh, well, that is the children's

play section. See, instead of allowing the

children into the shops where they can destroy the merchandise,

we put them in there where they can destroy each other.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, he's here.

One moment, please.

Mr. Banning, it's for you.

Oh, excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello, yes, this is

Herbert Banning.

Who's this?

The SPCA?

That's right, mister.

We're charging you with contributing

to the curvature of a horse.

What are you talking about?

I know.

But, I know.

I don't care who you are,

you better stop calling me Tubby.

Excuse me.

Uh, Mr. Banning, it sounds like a practical joker

who's been annoying us lately.

Hello?

Look, if you don't stop bothering us, I'm going to have you arrested

for impersonating a human being.

Sorry, sir.

You have reached a disconnected number.

Who was that?

Oh, some horse nutting around.

Or not horsing around.

Look, let's take a look at the sketches.

Oh, if you don't mind, I'd like to take the sketches

and study them quietly.

Okay, mark down any changes you want.

Good.

There.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Herbert, you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

Thank you.

Yeah, take it easy.

Wilbur, that's a nasty crack.

You ought to have this whole patio floor

torn up and cemented over.

Yeah, I'll get it done first thing next month.

I'm calling someone right now to take care of that job.

It'll be dry by morning.

You know, a floor is like a person.

Once you're cracked, no one wants you.

Don't say that, Gordon.

We still love you.

Is that so?

Operation Cement is about to begin.

That won't do it.

If Tubby wants to ride me tomorrow,

he's going to have to take this patio along.

I'll put the coffee on, Carol.

Carol?

What are you doing in the cement?

Just standing here and hardening.

It'll be fine.

You get back in the barn.

I think it would be easier

to bring the barn over here.

You're stuck.

How did this happen?

I don't know.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up,

I was a statue.

Don't you hand me that.

You're just trying to get out of carrying Mr. Banning.

That thought did cross my mind.

How am I going to get you out of this?

Pray for an earthquake.

Cool things to do.

Honey, I'll get breakfast.

Oh, no!

My new floor.

How did he get in there?

He's stuck.

I'm going to put a general on his back

and give him to some park.

What's this?

Our horse

wandered out into the wet cement,

and he's...

Well, there he is.

Why don't you get yourself 12 more horses,

and then you'll have your own merry-go-round.

Don't worry, Mr. Banning.

I'm going to get a sledgehammer for this concrete,

and you will ride Mr. Ed.

In the meantime, Mr. Banning,

I'll fix you a nice big breakfast.

Oh, no. No, I couldn't.

After that tremendous dinner last night,

why, I feel 20 pounds heavier.

20 pounds heavier?

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Excuse me.

You see, Mr. Ed really thought

that you gamed about...

Of course, you don't look it.

Let's go get some coffee, shall we?

I said,

hi, buddy boy.

Hi, pal.

It's a stranger.

Hey, that's a switch.

A horse that talks and a man that don't.

You know, Ed, you were no help at all

in getting me that Banning deal.

And it embarrassed me that he had to go out

and rent another horse to ride the last few days he was here.

But you ought to see the horse Tubby rode.

The poor thing

will never be the same.

Oh, stop, Ed.

I brought him over.

See for yourself.

What are you trying to pull?

This is Jim Ferguson's horse.

He always looks like this.

Aw, gee.

How come you always catch on to me?

Ed, if you want to fool me,

you've got to get up pretty early in the morning.

And you like to sleep till noon.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course,

unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source

and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak

and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak

unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

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