05x07 - Animal Jury

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course, of a horse.

Why did you stop so suddenly?

Just testing my brakes.

You're not fooling me.

I know why you're in no hurry to get home.

Aunt Martha's arriving in town and you hate her parrots.

Yeah, that's right.

I think a talking bird is a freak.

You talk?

What's the difference between a talking horse and a talking parrot?

About 30 eggs a year.

Well, hey, I've got to pick up Aunt Martha at the station.

Now, you quit this stalling and let's go home.

Ed, what are you doing?

We've got to keep our parts clean.

I'm no litter horse.

Ouch!

Help, Wilbur!

Help!

You okay, Ed?

That thing snapped at me, Wilbur.

It must be part crocodile.

I should have left you in there and picked you up later at the city dump.

Now, come on.

Quit stalling and let's get going home, huh?

Okay.

Come on.

What's the matter? What's so funny?

Your knees, they're tickling my ribs.

Quit fooling around and let's get going home.

Come on.

Okay.

But figure out a way to keep those knees off my funny bone.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Lady Godiva.

What's the matter? Did you split your pants?

Come on, Ed, get in there.

Uh, well, uh, what happened is that, you see,

my knees were tickling his funny bone

and it's kind of hard for a horse to gallop and giggle at the same time.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't know what you mean.

And you know, somehow that gives me a feeling of security.

Well, look, Gordon, I've got to rush.

You see, my Aunt Martha's arriving and she's going to stay till tomorrow

and then she flies off to the Orient.

Yeah, Carol told me.

Oh, I understand your aunt has a parrot.

Tootsie, yeah, smartest little bird you ever saw.

You listen to Tootsie talk,

you want to run right out and buy a bird for yourself.

Uh-uh, one talking female around the house is enough.

Thank goodness I've got this week off.

Winnie's visiting her mother again.

Oh, well, uh, there's my phone.

Sorry, see you later.

Aunt Martha, what happened?

You weren't due for an hour yet.

Oh, an earlier train, huh?

That's right, dear, we just got in.

How's Carol?

Ben Casey wanted in surgery.

Ben Casey wanted in surgery.

That was Tootsie, you remember her.

She just adores those medical shows on television.

Kiss the nurse, kiss the nurse.

Hush, baby, mother's on the phone.

Tell her to barbecue that parrot.

Why don't you barbecue the...

What did you say, Wilbur?

Uh, I said when you get here, we'll have a little barbecue.

Roast parrot.

Roast parrot.

Roast parrot?

Roast parrot!

No, no, no, no, what I said was

it'll be a pleasure to host your little parrot.

That's what I said.

Aunt Martha, I'll be right down to pick you up.

It'll be a pleasure seeing you again.

Goodbye.

I've had enough of your childishness.

That parrot's only gonna be with us for one night.

But she repeats everything she hears.

If I talk in my sleep, I'll have to leave town.

She's just a harmless little bird.

She's no bird.

She's a tape recorder with feathers.

I warn you, if you cause Tootsie any trouble at all,

I'll see that you eat your hay off the mantel for a week.

And you can take your own saddle off.

Oh...

There's no room in this barn for two talking animals.

And the one who goes out is gonna fly out.

And then after Hawaii, I go to Japan.

Oh, I'm just dying to see Mount Fuji

and all those beautiful shrines

and the cherry blossoms and...

Wilbur, do you think I ought to visit one of those public baths?

Oh, sure, Auntie. Live a little.

Only before you allow anybody to scrub your back,

make sure you're properly introduced first.

Don't worry.

I'll make perfectly sure it's someone from my own tour.

Carol tells me you used to bathe Wilbur when he was a baby.

After Japan, where do you plan to go to, Auntie?

Tell Gordon about the time you lost Wilbur in the bathtub.

That was a riot.

You see, I was giving Wilbur his bath,

and suddenly, he disappeared.

What happened?

You mean he went down the drain?

After Japan, why don't you go to Hong Kong?

I hear they've got some great Chinese food.

What else do you remember about Wilbur as a baby?

But, Aunt Martha, why don't you...

Well, now let's see.

Well, he was always terribly fond of animals.

Why, he'd sit and talk to them by the hour.

And you know, he'd look at them

as though he really expected them to talk back.

But, of course, it never happened.

Yes, it did.

You mean you found something that did talk back?

Uh, uh, yes.

Yeah, I liked her so much, I married her.

A five-letter word.

A mammal that lives in water.

Hmm.

Let's see.

What's a wet mammal?

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Oh, shut your cotton-picking beak.

Scalpel. Scalpel.

Impossible.

That's got seven letters,

and they want five, stupid.

Stupid. Stupid.

What do they feed you?

Carbon paper?

This bird's gotta go.

Operator. Hello?

Operator, I'd like the SPCA.

Kooky Bird Division.

Kooky Bird. Kooky Bird.

Hello.

I'd like to get rid of a parrot

that's flipped his beak.

What?

Who's this talking?

Uh, uh, never mind.

You wouldn't believe it anyway.

Surgery.

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Well, pack your feathers, Tootsie.

I'm taking you for a ride.

Ready for surgery. Ready for surgery.

Surgery is right.

I'm cutting you out of my life.

I want a doctor! I want a doctor!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Ooh! Ooh!

Hello, Ed. Hi, Tootsie.

Tootsie?

Polly, where are you? Polly?

Ed, what happened to that parrot?

Pardon me?

I said, what happened to the parrot?

What parrot?

Don't be funny. Aunt Martha's parrot.

Oh, that parrot. She was kidnapped.

What do you mean, she was kidnapped?

Why don't you relax, Wilbur, till the first ransom note comes in?

Ed, tell the truth. What happened to Tootsie?

Well, uh, this big cat came in and dragged her away.

The cat dragged that heavy cage away?

I don't know, Wilbur. I didn't see.

What do you mean, you didn't see? You just said you were here.

Uh, yeah, but, uh, the cat made me stand against the wall with my hoofs over my eyes.

Ed, we don't have time to play games.

Aunt Martha's gonna go out of her mind when she finds her parrot missing.

What am I gonna tell her?

You think she'll go for that cat story?

Wilbur?

Wilbur?

Wilbur, may I come in? I've got to see you right away.

Wilbur?

Shh.

Let's, uh, let's stay out here and talk, Aunt Martha.

What's the matter, Wilbur?

Nothing. Oh, it's Ed. It's Ed. He's asleep. He's asleep.

See, Ed is part Mexican.

What's the matter? What can I do for you?

Oh, oh, I just got a call from the airport.

And they're getting me on an earlier plane so I can stop over in San Francisco for a few hours.

So Tootsie and I will be leaving this afternoon.

Oh.

Oh, Wilbur, could I just take a little pee?

Just to make sure that Tootsie's all right.

Wait, Mr. Ed.

Tootsie is just fine. Just fine. She's very quiet.

Why, you wouldn't even know she was in there.

Still, I really ought to check.

Nurse Tharpe wanted in surgery. Nurse Tharpe wanted in surgery.

Ow!

Take out the gallbladder. Take out the gallbladder.

Ow! Ow!

Shh! Shh!

Eh? Eh? Tootsie's all right.

Why don't you start packing? We wouldn't want you to miss that plane.

Yes, all right.

Wilbur, don't you think that Tootsie sounded like she was a little horse?

No, she sounded like a little parrot.

She sounded fine. Fine. Fine.

Well, let's start packing, huh?

Start packing. Start packing.

Now, hush, baby. You let Mr. Ed sleep.

Yeah, yeah. Let Ed sleep.

Let's get started on the packing, huh?

We'll take care of Ed. Let's see.

Ed, I am warning you.

I... Look.

I am warning you.

If you don't tell me where that parrot is, I'm gonna call the FBI.

The FBI?

It'll be the big house for you, fella.

You'll spend the rest of your life wearing a striped blanket.

Now, where is that parrot?

Uh, all right. Outside Glorby's Pet Shop.

Well, she better be. Otherwise, you'll be inside Glorby's Pet Shop.

Wilbur.

What?

There's only one thing I've got to say to you.

Huh? What's that?

Ah! Ah!

How do you do?

How do you do?

Uh, there was a parrot left outside your shop today by mistake.

I'd like to get it back, please.

Oh, yes. My wife found it during my lunch hour.

Uh, could you identify the bird?

Uh, yes. It was about, uh, about this high.

Green feathers, you know, claws, and sort of a Roman nose.

It sounds just like my wife.

Uh-huh.

Well, there they are. Go ahead. Pick yours out.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ah.

They kind of look alike, don't they?

Tootsie? Tootsie? Tootsie?

Tootsie?

Does your parrot say anything special?

Yeah. She majored in medicine.

Wanted in surgery. Wanted in surgery.

Ah! Ah!

Wanted in surgery. Wanted in surgery.

Ah! Ah!

That's Tootsie. I'd know her anywhere.

Wanted in surgery. Wanted in surgery.

Could be this one.

Wanted in surgery. Wanted in surgery.

Ah! Ah!

Or this one.

Polly wants a cr*cker. Polly wants a cr*cker.

It's definitely not that one.

Wanted in surgery. Wanted in surgery.

Ah! Ah!

That reminds me. I've got to pay my hospitalization.

Well, look, I've got to get the parrot back in a hurry before my aunt misses her.

Surely you can pick out which three are yours.

Well, now, let me see. One of them is Matilda,

and one of them is Hortense,

and one is Sam.

Well, that definitely eliminates him. Which one is Sam?

Uh, you'd have to ask Hortense or Matilda.

Thank you.

Say, do you mind if I turn your television set on?

Television set?

Well, no. Go ahead.

Thank you very much.

Go ahead.

If this doesn't work, I'm summoned.

Well, if what doesn't work?

Ah, there we are.

Would you mind moving over so the parrots can see?

Oh, sure. I'm sorry, Bert.

Shh! I want them to watch the operation.

Take off the gallbladder. Take off the gallbladder.

Tootsie!

Thank you.

Well, we're all ready.

And the cab's waiting.

Oh.

Well, Aunt Martha, it's been nice having you with us, even for this short visit.

Oh, bless you, dear.

Don't forget to write us.

We won't. Will we, Tootsie?

Which one is Sam? Which one is Sam?

Which one is Sam?

Wilba.

She's been saying that for the past hour.

Who is Sam?

You'll have to ask Hortense or Matilda.

I mean, probably some summer romance, you know.

Goodbye, Aunt Martha.

Take care now.

I will, dear.

Oh, and take a pill before you get on the airplane.

We don't want you to get airsick.

Better give some to Tootsie.

We don't want her to get sick, either.

Oh.

Oh, I never thought of that.

Oh, that's awful.

What is?

Well, Tootsie might get airsick.

She's never been on a plane.

Oh, if Tootsie got sick on this trip, I would just never forgive myself.

Wilba, I'm going to leave her with you.

For a whole month?

Oh, no.

Just remember to keep her away from cats.

She's so deathly scared of them.

Goodbye, Tootsie.

Mommy loves you, darling, but she's doing it for your own good.

Goodbye, children.

Please take good care of my baby.

We will, Aunt Martha. We'll take care of him.

A whole month.

Oh, there must be a hungry cat in the neighborhood.

TOOTSIE

Moron.

The patient is sinking. Sinking.

What's that? What's going on?

Oh, it's you.

Dr. Blabberbeak.

Dr. Blabberbeak. Dr. Blabberbeak.

Scaring me in the middle of the night.

Well, two can play at that game.

This ought to turn her green feathers gray.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

And what's the big idea?

Scaring Tootsie.

Well, she scared me first.

I'm fast asleep.

Suddenly I wake up and there I am in surgery.

Look, I've had about enough out of you today.

Scaring that poor little bird half to death,

stealing her out of here, leaving her at a pet shop.

You know, that's practically kidnapping.

Yeah, I call it getting rid of a public enemy.

That is kidnapping, and there isn't a jury in the country that wouldn't convict you.

Maybe a jury of people, but a jury of animals would say I was right.

They would convict you in a minute.

You'd be the first horse hanged in California.

Not true, Wilbur.

A jury of animals would understand what I did.

Well, it's kind of late.

You go to sleep now, huh?

No jury of animals would convict me.

Look, it's late. We'll discuss this in the morning, yeah?

An animal jury would understand.

An animal jury.

Animal jury.

What is it?

Hear ye, hear ye.

This court of domestic animals is now in session.

The Honorable John J. Monk presiding.

Your Honor.

The state will prove that the defendant, Mr. Ed,

is guilty of bird-napping this poor, defenseless little parrot.

And we demand, Your Honor, that...

Your Honor, will you please instruct the defendant to stop bribing the jury?

Your Honor, the state will prove that the defendant, Mr. Ed,

is guilty of bird-napping this poor, defenseless little parrot.

Your Honor, I just thought I'd give your son a little birthday gift.

Your Honor, there is a precedent for this crime,

and with the court's permission,

I should like to quote an excerpt from this decision.

A decision which was handed down...

Some judge.

He's reversing himself already.

Your Honor, I should like to quote from the celebrated case

of the state versus c*ck Robin.

Penal code 973, page 764, article 38, paragraph 621.

What does it say?

Stolen from the New York Public Library.

Now, Your Honor, I should like to question the defendant.

Do you swear to tell Lee truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth?

Of course not.

Why not?

Mama taught us kids never to swear.

Did you, or did you not, bird-nap this parrot?

I plead non compus mentis, and I object.

You object to what?

I don't know what non compus mentis means.

For your information, non compus mentis means I am out of my mind.

Your Honor, I demand a mistrial.

The DA has just admitted he's a kook.

Your Honor, before I address my closing remarks to the jury,

is there anything the defendant would like to say to them?

Certainly. Boy, I got plenty to tell.

Help!

I shall see that justice has done you.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

bird-napping a parrot is a terrible crime.

And if we allow this foul deed to go unpunished,

other laws will be broken.

Chaos will result.

I think it's over here.

Yes.

We must not. We cannot.

We must not allow this criminal horse to go unpunished.

You, sir, as a father...

I beg your pardon, madam.

As a mother,

how would you like to have one of your chicks snatched from its roost,

torn away from its loved ones,

left alone to face a strange and hostile world?

Excuse me.

I'm a bad...

Wake up.

Oh, boy. What a dream.

That jury would have made me the horseman of Alcatraz.

What about the jury?

Nothing, Wilbur.

Say, how's our cute little parrot doing?

Cute little parrot?

Wheel in the patient. Wheel in the patient.

Isn't she sweet?

If I had enough money, I'd send her through medical school.

What's the matter?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Scalpel.

Scalpel?

Clamps.

Clamps?

Suture.

Suture?

Ham and eggs.

Ham and eggs?

Sure. We doctors gotta eat, too.

Tootsie.

Ed?

The card's from Aunt Martha. She's having a wonderful time.

That's good.

What's so funny?

Well, Tootsie and me just performed a brain surgery.

Did the patient pull through?

Well, would you pull through if a horse and a parrot operated on you?

Give him oxygen. Give him oxygen.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

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