05x18 - The Dragon Horse

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

I wonder what's keeping Wilbur

We were supposed to go riding an hour ago

I ought to put a taxi meter on my back

And charge him for waiting

Think I'll read my horoscope

Oh, it's on the next page

Oh, it's on the next page

The page won't turn, my nose is too dry

There, here it is

Your daily horoscope

If you were born under Taurus the bull

That's me

The stars are against you today

If you are wise, you will not leave the house

And some evil will befall you

Uh, uh

What's the matter?

Ed, will you stop kidding around?

Who's kidding around? I'm fighting for my life

You're not fighting for your life

I'm not leaving the barn today

You can slip my hay under the door

Ed, for heaven's sake, what happened?

Nothing, if I stay indoors today

Ed, what are you talking about?

My horoscope says if I go out today

Tomorrow there'll be a saddle around here

With no horse under it

I didn't know you were superstitious

Are you kidding?

Why do you think I walk around with horseshoes?

Only a childish mind believes in superstition

You've got nothing to worry about

You're a strong, healthy horse

Only three things knock on wood

Woodpeckers, termites, and childish minds

Ed, you were born under the same sign as I was

Now I'm going out today and nothing will happen to me

Oh, no, I don't give Carol six months

Before she marries again

Enough of this nonsense

You are going riding today

If I have to put a skateboard under you

Oh, driver, please be careful

Our women's club is auctioning these things on Sunday

And many of them are quite valuable

Ah, don't worry, lady, I'm insured

We're not worried about you breaking

It's the merchandise

Cuckoo, cuckoo

What did you call me?

Look, lady, the opinions expressed by this cuckoo

Aren't necessarily mine

Ed, forget about our horoscope

Believe me, nothing will happen to you or me

Now, come on

Come on

Ed

Ed, you loosened them, didn't you?

Thank heavens, this is the last load

You know, I bet I've lost five pounds today

Wonderful, let's go on a shopping spree tomorrow

And buy some new clothes

Well, that's not fair, that's all

Wilbur's out on the bridle path

And here I am working like a horse

Oh, the work will do you good

Come on, Colonel, on the double

You can just put it right in there, Gordon

Thank you

Carol, put it down here

Are you sure Wilbur won't object

To our storing these things in Mr. Ed's stall until Sunday?

Oh, no, Wilbur won't mind

And I don't think Mr. Ed will complain

Ed, what are you complaining about?

We should never have left the house against our horoscope

Look, we've been out all morning

And nothing terrible has happened to us

Now, come on in

Talk up another one for Taurus the Bull

That was just a little accident

Come on in the stall, I'll brush you down

Look out, Wilbur

For a guy who doesn't believe in horoscopes

You're taking an awful beating

Ed, these are just coincidences

That's all

Nobody's making these things happen

If you were born under the same sign

Nothing's happened to you

So far

I've got a feeling they're saving a Lollapalooza for me

Hey, what's that thing?

Ed, Ed, what happened?

It's a faint jinx

Sent here to get me

Oh, Wilbur

I'm not long for this world

Wilbur!

Get that dragon horse out of here

It's a hex

This has not been sent here to hex you

Because you defied your horoscope

Oh, no

Of course not

Nobody ever got hurt by a wooden horse

Ever hear of the Trojans?

It'll only be here a few days

Then the girls will auction it off

And it'll be out of your life

By that time, I'll be out of my life

It's just a simple little European merry-go-round horse

That's what worries me

What happened to the rest of the merry-go-round?

These horses always come in sets

You know why this one got kicked out of his union?

Because he's a faint jinx

All right, Ed, what do you want me to do?

Drive a stake through his heart and bury him

I'm looking at the Munsters too much

Well, at least ask Carol to stash Laughing Boy somewhere else till Sunday

Ed, I can't do that

But I'm afraid to stay in the barn with this faint jinx

If he gives me nightmares while I'm awake

Imagine what he'll do while I'm asleep

You want me to help you lick this silly superstition, don't you?

Not especially

Believe me, it's all in the mind

Now, to get this out of your system

You should come over here and tell it off

You're kidding

No, I mean it

The only way to overcome the fear of a thing is to yell at it

In psychiatry, it's called catharsis

In English, it's called suicide

You tell that jinx think off, Wilbur

Okay

And if nothing happens to me, you go next, huh?

If nothing happens to you

And I hope my next owner's half as nice

Hey, you just do what I do, huh?

Thanks

Okay, horse

Now, you listen to me

I'm not afraid of you, see

Because you are just a wooden horse

And there's nothing you can do that can possibly harm me

Now, you see, I...

I happen to be a real horse

And I weigh 1,200 pounds

I am big

I am strong

And I wear a size 50 feet bag

Oh

Hi, Gordon

I was just practicing a little speech here

Pathetic

A child's mind in a man's body

Wilbur, you still haven't told me

Why you want that carousel horse out of the barn

Oh, well, uh...

There's a feeling around the barn

That that horse, uh...

Well, he's, uh...

He's a jinx fink

A jinx fink?

Well, what I'm trying to say is, Carol

He's a jinx fink

Well, who donated that horse to this auction?

Uh, Mrs. Meredith

You know, that widow down the block

Widow?

Uh, what happened to Mr. Meredith?

He was lost at sea

Was this before or after he got the horse?

I think it was, uh, after

A jinx fink?

Wilbur, what's this all about?

What difference does it make when Mr. Meredith got the horse?

Well, it would make a lot of difference

If you were treading water in the middle of the ocean

Honey, I don't have time for your kidding around

I have to catalog these things for the auction

Oh, Carol, look

You know me

I mean, I'm not a superstitious person

I don't go walking down the street

Picking up pins or throwing salt over my shoulder

And I do not believe...

Don't do that!

Shut it off!

What do you want to do, get us all k*lled?

For heaven's sake, Wilbur

What is this all about?

Oh, Carol, I mean

You're going to find this awfully hard to believe

But I just don't want to spend the rest of my life

Being afraid to take a sea voyage

Oh, maybe you better put the brass bed down now, Colonel

Your eyes are starting to pop again

Put that there

Put this here

Set that there

Why don't you admit it, Winnie

You never wanted a husband

All you wanted was a furniture mover

Gordon, would you do me a favor?

What is it?

Would you mind keeping the horse at your house till Sunday?

I thought he was only kidding

But he's serious

He really believes that horse is bad luck

It's a jinx fink

Wilbur, I'm surprised at you

A college graduate acting superstitious?

Okay, Winnie

You keep the horse at your house till Sunday

Not at my house

Ah, you're superstitious, too

Of course, but I'm not a college graduate

Colonel, let's take the brass bed and go home now

All right, Winnie

You mean carry this thing back again?

Yes, I haven't finished polishing it yet

I just wanted to show Carol how nice it was starting to look

Oh, if our money wasn't half in your name

You've got that wrong, Colonel

My money's half in your name

Ed, it's no use

I spoke to Carol, but that horse will have to stay here till Sunday

What do you got there?

That jinx fink is gonna be sawdust

You weren't intending to use this saw on that horse, were you?

I have to

I couldn't find the pickaxe

I didn't know you were such a coward

I never knew it either

Till you brought that thing in here

Ed, look, fella

You'll feel better after you've had a nice sleep

Now, you want me to tell you a bedtime story?

Yeah, okay, Dad

Come on, Ed

Put your head on my shoulder like a good fella

Oh, all righty

Now, what story would you like to hear?

Little Red Riding Hood?

No!

That grandma wolf reminds me of Jinxy over there

Come on, put your head back, now relax

That's it

Now, how about Three Little Pigs?

No, there's a wolf fink in that one, too

Okay

Cinderella has no wolf fink in that one

Okay, Cinderella

Okay, Cinderella

Now, once upon a time

There was a little girl and her name was Cinderella

And she had two wicked sisters

Right

It wasn't right, but go ahead

Now, they were very hard on Cinderella

And they made her do all the work around the house

But she went to the ball anyway

And the prince married her later

And I'm not sleeping in any barn with a jinx fink

All right, Ed

Look, I'll see you in the morning

Sleep well

Uh

I'm gonna sleep all right, but not with you, Smiley

No!

Ed, get up

What?

Help

It's you, Wilbur

Ed, what are you doing sleeping on the floor?

Well, you and Carol had the beds

Never mind, Ed

You know you're not allowed in the house

Well, if you had a dog, you'd let him sleep in the house, wouldn't you?

A dog is different

A dog is a household pet

Well, call me Rover and wake me at eight

Oh

Now, don't be such a scaredy cat

Come on

Gee

Afraid to sleep in the same room with a little merry-go-round horse

I don't see you sleeping here

I can't, I got a wife in the house

Don't tell me your troubles

I've got my own

And if it'll make you feel any better, you can sleep in the yard all night

See you in the morning

Excuse me, would you mind getting in here?

Don't be so chicken

You're not chasing me out of here, you faint jinx

I'm taking you for a little ride

Morning

Morning, dear

Good morning

Morning, Carol

I've been waiting for you to come down

Yeah, and I know what you're thinking

That I dragged this horse in here

No, it trotted in by itself

Wilbur, I just don't understand you

If you think this thing is a jinx, why did you bring it in the house?

I didn't bring it in here

No, it was Ed

Ed?

What does Ed have to do with this?

Ed has to do with it

No, no, well, no, you see, what happened is that

Uh

Trotted in by itself

Hi, kids

We thought we'd move some coffee

Oh, I see you have a house guest

Oh, what an adorable cookie jar

Yeah, well, what happened, you see, this thing frightens Ed

Oh, so you're keeping it in the living room

Yeah, no, no

Well, I'd better move this out in the stall, huh?

Want to give me a hand, Gordon?

Nope

I like a straight answer

Excuse me

You had no right to bring it into the dining room and embarrass me like that

You, why do you do things like this?

Look, Wilbur, he just moved

Cut it out, a wooden horse can't move

And live horses can't talk, but I'm talking

And he's moving

Please dump him in the river, Wilbur

Ed, he stays here until we sell him at that auction on Sunday

Now relax, will you?

I don't want him around till Sunday

I don't, I don't, I don't

The hex is starting

You're not spooking me anymore, Buster

One of us is disappearing tonight

And I vote for you

Wilbur, you won't have to worry about that carousel horse scaring Mr. Ed anymore

Oh, why not?

I just got a letter from an antique collector

He knows all about our little wooden horse

And he is offering us much more than we could possibly get at the auction

Well, wait till Ed hears about this

Hey, well, well, when's he going to come and pick it up?

He writes that he'll be dropping by this evening

Oh, boy, this isn't just going to be fun

It's just a letter, you know

This is a pardon from the governor

Wake up, Ed

Good news

A man is coming over later to pick up our little friend here

Ed

Wake up

Huh? What?

Don't ever do that, Wilbur

You got my heart doing the Watusi

Ed, what happened to that horse?

What horse?

That one

He is a witch

He turned himself into two horses

He did not

Ed, what did you do with it?

Wilbur, I was sleeping

And you expect me to believe that?

No, I'm just hoping

Ed, I haven't got time to play games

Now, where are you hiding that carousel horse?

Now, Wilbur, I have never lied to you, have I?

No, and you're asking me to believe you now?

No, I'm asking permission to lie just this once

I am losing my patience

Okay, okay

Wilbur, if it turns out I'm guilty

What will you do to me?

No TV for two weeks

No comic books

And no rides in the park

In that case, I'm innocent

Ed

I'm willing to talk a deal

What deal?

If I should just happen to know where that jinx Fink is

I keep my comic books, my TV, and my rides

Well, okay

Where is he?

Well, now don't get sore, Wilbur

But I may have to tell you to jump in the lake

What?

Remember, Wilbur, I'm only eight

It's ill*gal to strike a minor

Well, Ed

Now, let's run through the signals once, huh?

Mm-hmm

Right, now, when I get this...

This grappling hook around the horse, see?

I'll pull on the rope

And then you just haul me out, right?

Roger

Now, when you pull, I want a nice, long, slow pull

No jerks

Except the two of us

Yeah, the two of us

You're a wise guy

Come on, let's go

Come on, Ed

Let's go

All right, Ed

Pull!

Thanks, Ed

What happened?

You're supposed to hook that grappling hook onto the horse

So dark down there, I couldn't see a thing

Well, who do we get to do this job?

Look in the yellow pages under train lobsters

Boy, look at you

I bet you're the first frog horse

How do you feel?

Like a wet frog

Gesundheit

Danke schoen

And get me some flu shots

What do you think of your friend, Ed?

He doesn't look very frightening now, does he?

No

He's wet and scared

Looks like a loser at Santa Anita

Ed, you realize how childish it is to be superstitious?

Oh, yeah

That's only for kids

Sure, by tomorrow it'll all be forgotten

We'll go for a nice, brisk ride in the park

Not tomorrow, Wilbur

It's against my horoscope

Ed, I thought you said superstition was for kids

Right, and I'm only eight

Come on, let's get this thing inside

Come on

Ed, I brought a few things here to show you

There is no basis for any silly superstitions

Watch this

I take this salt and sprinkle it on the floor

And I do not throw it over my left shoulder

A pin

I shall not stoop to pick it up

I'm going to miss you around here, Wilbur

An umbrella

I open it indoors

If you want, Wilbur, I'll say a few simple words at the services

That's not all

I shall now walk under this ladder

Nothing happened to me

Wilbur, there's a letter for you

From the Internal Revenue Department

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Time is of the essence

to Mr. Ed. People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day, but Mr. Ed

will never speak unless he has something to say. A horse is a horse, of course, of

course, and this one will talk to his voice, his horse. You never heard of a

talking horse? Well, listen to this. I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.