05x20 - The Bank Robbery

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

I wonder why Wilbur's making me stay outside the barn.

Think I'll take a peek, see what he's up to.

Hmm.

I don't mind a fella keeping secrets from his wife.

But, uh, he should tell his horse everything.

Okay, Ed, you can come in the barn now.

Now, isn't that nice?

He's finally inviting me into my own home.

Surprise, Ed, surprise!

Ha, ha!

Happy fifth, Ed, happy fifth!

Come on, Ed, admit it. Did I surprise you?

Sure. Now I'll surprise you.

My birthday was last November, and I'm seven.

I think you got the wrong horse.

No, I have not got the wrong horse.

Now, come on, think.

What happened exactly five years ago today?

Well, let's see.

Oh, yeah!

You were fixing the antenna, and you fell off the roof.

What?

We're celebrating your X-ray.

Exactly five years ago today that you and I first met.

Oh, gee.

Yeah, it was in the old barn, before we built this one.

I remember, Wilbur, I remember.

Oh, I never thought owning a horse could mean so much to me.

I guess it's because when I was a little boy, I wanted a pony.

Of course, it's been a long time since I was a little boy.

It's been a long time since I was a pony.

Who said that?

Oh, no. That's impossible.

Did you say that?

How could you?

Did you say it?

No, I didn't hear it.

How could I?

But I did.

Oh, this is impossible.

I don't believe it.

Now, while I'm looking right at you, say something.

Like what?

Anything. Anything.

How now, brown cow.

Hell!

Hard to believe, Ed. It was five years ago.

Yeah. Well, so much for sentiment.

Where's my anniversary gift?

It's in the office. Come on, fella.

Oh, don't peek now. Don't peek.

Come on. Walk right in here.

I hope you got the right size.

A horse looks fully standing in an exchange line.

Don't you worry. All right. Ready now?

Okay, Ed, you can look.

Yeah!

Gee, thanks, Wilbur.

My very own camera.

It's our fifth anniversary.

You know, I didn't make this much fuss

when Carol and I had been married for five years.

Naturally. I brought you more happiness.

Please.

Wilbur, let's spend the whole day together, huh?

Okay. Tell you what.

I'll go get my riding clothes. You slip into your saddle.

I'll meet you back here in 15 minutes.

Uh, make it 20.

I'm a slow dresser.

Okay.

My very own camera.

h*-h*-h*!

Wilbur? Huh?

Would you run down to the bank and...

What's that for?

What's what? Hmm?

Oh. Oh, that for?

Oh, well...

Carol, it's exactly five years

since we paid off our living room furniture.

Hmm.

Aren't you excited?

I'm all choked up.

Wilbur, if you can be serious for a minute,

I'm overdrawn at the bank.

Would you please run down and make a deposit for me?

Right now, Carol.

And happy living room anniversary...

Furniture.

Wife-lover.

Ed, look, try to understand.

How can you leave me on our anniversary?

I just don't like to take you downtown

in all that heavy traffic.

Why not?

I'm an old driver.

I still got my original paint job.

Okay. I'll take you down.

But I think you'll find a trip to the bank

very dull and unexciting.

Garth's gone for his coffee break in 10 minutes.

That's when we take the bank.

You sure you know the plan, shorty?

You told me a million times, Mike.

You go in the bank, you clean it out,

you hop in the car, and we take off north.

South, you nut.

What's the matter with you? You getting nervous?

Yeah. How am I gonna back out of here, Mike?

There's a guy taking the parking space behind us.

Hey, mister, you ain't gonna park your horse here.

Well, I have to. They won't let him in the bank.

The place is reserved for cars.

You don't want to be a lawbreaker, do you?

Oh, I'm not worried about that.

I've been riding him for five years,

and he hasn't had a ticket pinned to his tail yet.

Yeah.

Whoever heard of parking a horse in front of a bank?

Ever hear of Jesse James?

Who?

The famous bank robber.

What are you doing? Where you going?

They're onto us, Mike.

I heard that fella call us bank robbers.

Cut the motor. Cut the motor.

Relax, will you?

I'll stash the horse around the corner.

Hello, Peggy.

I got a small deposit for my savings today.

Oh, and here's a little something for my Christmas Club account.

Oh, and my husband wants to withdraw $100 from our joint account.

I hope you're not in a big hurry.

No, just a little one.

Now, I think there are about 400 pennies in my son's piggy bank.

But you'd better count to make sure.

I hope you don't mind waiting.

I do have my horse parked outside.

Your horse?

Yeah.

And the penny and the meter is only good for 12 minutes parking.

And I know he doesn't have any change on him.

I'm sorry.

Start the car, Shorty. The guard's on his coffee break now.

I got three minutes to do the job.

I got a feeling he didn't come here for a free calendar.

Why will you stay in this line, mister? That one's m*rder.

Do you mind if I take your place?

I won't be a second.

Hi.

My wife's account is overdrawn. If you tell me how much, I'll settle it now.

Very well, sir.

Look, once she gets back, do you mind if I take your place?

I'm in a big hurry.

Hurry, hurry.

The whole world's in a hurry.

As the famous philosopher once put it,

Which means,

Or does it mean,

Well, that's caveat emptor.

Boy, the Latin they teach you these days is like a Chinese dinner.

It just doesn't stay with you.

Mister, give me a place in line.

Mr. Post, your wife's account is overdrawn.

Oh, that's no problem.

I'll settle it right now.

$41.

$10, $20, $35, $36, $37, $38, $39.

Seem to be a dollar short.

Here you are.

I couldn't accept money from a stranger.

Okay, we're friends.

Take it.

All right, but I must have your name and address so I can get it back to you.

Never mind.

Here, just give her this.

All right, hand me your big bills.

It's very kind of you to offer me the dollar,

But I think I can make it out of the small hand over your big bills.

So, I'll be very intimate.

Quiet.

Quiet.

Get the money. Get the money fast.

Get the money first.

She'll get it.

We'll talk about it.

It's not for me. It's for him.

Come again.

This is a stickup.

Get over there. Get over there.

Quiet. Don't move. Don't move.

Get over there. Shut up.

All right. Nobody says nothing.

Nothing. Understand?

You don't fool me with that water p*stol, mister.

I served in ballistics in the Air Corps.

I know a real g*n from a fake one.

And that is a real one.

Drop that g*n. We've got you covered.

You'll never get out alive. The place is surrounded.

Joe, get the tear gas.

Man the machine g*ns.

Here comes another police car.

Post 17230, Valley Spring Lane.

Valley Spring Lane.

I wonder how much money that crook got away with.

What's the difference?

The cops are bound to get him.

What makes you think so?

He didn't put a dime in the parking meter.

They all know that.

I always get you on that.

Oh, well.

Fortunately, I got a pretty good look at that crook.

I think I'll be able to sketch him from memory.

That ought to help the police.

Too bad I didn't have my new camera along.

I'd have gotten his picture and his fingerprints.

His fingerprints? Where would you get those?

On the money when he paid me for his picture.

Well, we'll never be seeing him again, that's for sure.

What did Gordon have to say about the bank robbery?

He said Wilbur acted just the way he thought he would.

Just exactly what did he say?

I can't remember, but it did remind me

that the colonel wanted chicken for dinner tomorrow night.

Winnie, what do you think your husband would have done

if he'd been in Wilbur's place?

Oh, well, the colonel's very impetuous.

He probably would have done a foolish thing,

like capturing that crook.

Winnie, I have news for you.

While my husband was out flying fighter planes,

your husband sat behind the lines

in a very nice, comfortable office.

And I have news for you.

What?

Jim.

Alice, I've drawn my conception of the bank robber.

Perry Mason couldn't save him now.

Oh, let's see it, honey.

Here it is.

Practically a photograph of the man who robbed the city bank.

Wilbur, that could be anybody.

How can they identify him from that?

It's too bad you couldn't get him to take off his hat and glasses

just for a second.

He was too busy robbing the bank to pose for a portrait.

I'm glad you didn't try to catch that man, honey.

I'd rather have a live husband any time.

Well, it wasn't easy holding myself back.

I could have used that k*ller karate.

Chop there, cut there, and splash.

Well, like I was saying, it's lucky for him I held back.

But if our paths ever cross again,

this is what will happen to him.

Uh, someone's sneaking around the yard.

It's that robber.

I'd better hide my carrots.

You don't know it, fella,

but you carried that loot away from the bank for me.

I'd split it with you,

but your relatives have taken plenty from me at the track.

Hey, come on, come on.

Come on, out of my way.

Look, I got no time for games.

Oh!

Crazy, crazy horse.

Will you get back?

Get back there. Stay there. Stay there.

What's all the racket here?

Ed, are you okay?

Who are you?

What are you doing in here?

Uh, I thought maybe you need some extra help.

I'm looking for a job.

In the middle of the night?

Well, that's the best time.

Don't get too much competition.

Well, then, why don't you come around the front door?

Why do you sneak around the back here like a thief?

A thief?

That's not a nice thing to call a fella

trying to earn an extra buck.

Well, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

Okay, okay, forget it, forget it.

Wait a minute.

That voice.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

No, I've never been there.

Hey, I've seen your face before.

I know, I know.

Colucci's Fruit Market, the green section.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I never forget a face.

Well, that's a blessing.

What are you, what are you, what are you?

Some kind of a clown?

No, no, that wasn't me.

That was my horse.

See, he does those kind of things,

but he doesn't like somebody.

Not that he doesn't like you, fella.

I mean, uh, well, about that job.

Um, you leave your name and address.

Oh, uh, you can reach me, Colucci's Food Market.

I'm in the green section.

And who did you take a picture of then?

Your friend, the bank robber.

Oh, stop.

You probably scared that poor man half to death.

I'd better check on him.

Wait, wait.

Master.

I, I saw a flash go off.

What's the idea of taking a picture of me?

Yeah, well, that was a mistake.

I don't like being mugged.

Now, come on, hand over the picture.

Well, look, I don't want you to be angry.

I mean, if the picture comes out all right,

you can have a copy in full color.

Just leave me your name and address.

Again, with the name and address.

Wait a minute.

That voice.

I know you.

That's right.

My horse is...

All right.

Come on, inside.

Yeah, well, wait.

Let's get that picture.

Let's get that picture.

The camera is right over here.

It's right over here.

Oh.

Yeah.

Uh, well, yeah, yeah.

Now, don't be cute.

That picture ran out of cinch to be picked up.

Now, come on, hand it over.

Yeah, well, uh, you see,

the picture...

Ooh.

Yeah, I am, but you see,

the picture is in the camera,

and I don't know where he put it.

Where who put it?

Him, he put it.

Okay, you want to play games?

We'll go in the house and talk it over.

We will not.

You are not welcome in my house.

Ooh, oh, yes, after you.

Hey.

Hey.

He's still playing it cute, Shorty.

Pick me up in half an hour.

Don't worry.

If you don't come across another picture,

we'll take him along with us.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, uh, what are you doing over there?

Oh, nothing much.

Just...

Just doodling.

Bring the doodle over.

I never liked doing business with married guys.

They don't care if you live or die.

If this drawing worries you,

why, we can fix it up.

I'll just get rid of some of this hair,

like that, you see,

and then we'll just add a mustache like that

and a beard like that, see?

Now, if the drawing gets out,

they'll pick up Mitch Miller.

Wilbur, Winnie and I are going to the movies.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Ah, may I play?

I present my wife, Carol.

Carol, this is the bank robber.

How do you do?

Uh, look, uh, Blondie.

Yep.

Not you, huh?

You like your husband, right?

You want to see him for breakfast in the morning, right?

Then tell him to fork over the picture he took of me, Blondie.

Wilbur, fork over the picture you took of him.

I haven't got it, Blondie.

Uh, Carol.

Wilbur, I don't want you hurt.

Whatever he wants, give it to him.

Okay.

Uh, look, if you just give me a minute,

alone in the barn, I'll give you the picture.

That's a good idea.

Then make sure you're alone.

I'll go with you.

You, Blondie, in the closet.

Not you.

In the closet, come on.

Wilbur!

Come on.

Come on.

Wilbur!

Get in, missus.

Get in.

All right.

Come on.

You.

Carol, put your nose close to the keyhole.

You'll get more air that way.

Come on.

Come on.

Just a minute.

All right.

All right.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just thought he might have...

Whoa.

Ah!

Well, go ahead.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

No, he...

He didn't, uh...

Oh, excuse me.

Maybe he, uh...

No.

Look.

Look, I'm tired of playing games.

Now talk.

What about?

Where's that picture?

Well...

Look, if you really want it...

Of course I want it.

Well, you're gonna have to do everything I say.

What do I have to do?

Just, uh...

Just turn and face that way.

Okay?

You sure you know what you're doing?

Face that way, please.

Whoever took that picture and hid it better find it.

He doesn't want to lose his chess partner.

Face that way.

Wow.

Not a very good likeness.

Whoever took this is a crummy photographer.

I don't...

I don't know what you're laughing at.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

You are?

Well...

Look, as...

As fellow Americans,

couldn't we sort of talk this over?

Hey!

Stop!

What are you doing?

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Open the door!

Open up!

Stop it!

Hey, you did it!

You saved my life!

If the guy wants to hold a bench, okay.

But nobody is calling me a crummy photographer.

You're the greatest.

The greatest.

Hey!

Sorry.

I'm proud of you.

If you hadn't captured that crook, he might have k*lled me.

Oh, I just did what any other American hero would do.

You know, the police say the bank will give me a reward.

You?

Wilbur, I captured that crook.

It's my money.

What would a horse do with money?

Who knows?

I might want to get married someday.

Married?

Married?

Oh, no!

Oh, Carol, I'm sorry.

In the excitement, I clean forgot.

How long were you planning on keeping me locked up in there?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll be bound to find you in the morning when I came for my coat, blondie.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course.

And a horse is a horse, of course, of course.

The horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his voice.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.