04x05 - Be Kind to Humans

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Oh, boy, you had to wander off the trail, didn't you? Looks like you've got us lost.

Don't blame me. You're doing the driving. I'm just along for the ride.

Look, it's nine o'clock and I haven't had breakfast. Don't you have any idea where we are?

Nope, I'm a horse, not a Boy Scout.

How did you get lost? I thought animals had a natural sense of direction.

Of course we have. I'll show you.

Well?

Now we're lost in the opposite direction.

Oh, great. Ed, we've got to get on the San Fernando Road.

Wait a minute. Yeah, I smell food.

Food? Well, there must be people. Come on, Ed, giddy up.

Say the whole thing.

Giddy up, over and out.

Roger.

Mulligan stew. Mulligan stew, that's all we've been eating.

You got anything else, Duke?

I had planned to surprise you, gentlemen, with filet mignon.

But the cow got away.

Pardon me, gentlemen, I seem to have lost my way. Could you direct me to San Fernando Road?

Don't look at me. I don't know my right hand from my left without a road map.

I'll show you, mister. Just come right this way.

Now, see, we're right over here.

You go downhill about 50 feet by the lake and you turn right.

No, that can't be right.

The lake's over here. You better turn left.

There's a picnic grounds over there.

Can't do that. It's too north.

We're headed west.

No, it could be south.

Maybe east.

Well, these directions show me clearly one thing.

What's that?

You're lost too, huh?

Quite true, my good man. We're all lost.

Little children wandering in the boundless forest of time.

Seeking the elusive road to happiness.

Well, right now I'd settle for the road to San Fernando.

Hey, Ed, stop that.

Oh, let him drink, my friend.

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for this noblest of all animals.

You're fortunate indeed, my friend, to enjoy the companionship of this fine, handsome steed.

Ed, what are you doing with my wallet?

By George, he was offering me your wallet.

Yes, he was. Flatter him and there's nothing he won't do for you.

I mean, he senses when somebody says something nice about him.

Not that he understands, but it's just as if you heard two horses neighing to each other.

You might catch the general drift if you knew what they were talking about.

Neighing about.

I'll get my horse some more water.

Seems like a nice sort of chap, doesn't he?

Yeah, but he talks kind of funny.

The curse of civilization.

Living away from nature.

Herded together like caged animals.

It's no wonder people like him are so confused.

They're confused?

We're sleeping on the ground and living off handouts and they're confused.

Bobby, nobody's begging you to stay if you find things too tough.

Now, wait a minute.

I happen to be a career hobo. I was unemployed before people got paid for it.

It appears as though it might rain tonight.

We'd better find some sort of shelter.

I wonder how crowded the local jail is.

Yeah, we gotta find a place to flop.

Why don't you fellas come to my house?

Have dinner and sleep over.

What?

Swell!

We got a roof over our heads.

His voice sounded lower.

I got a little frog in my throat.

Well, see you at 17230 Valley Spring Road, fellas.

Valley Spring Road.

You can stay in the barn.

Thank you, sir. That's very kind of you.

Let's eat and get started.

I got a better idea.

Let's get started and eat at his place.

So many people are kind to animals.

It's about time we started being kind to humans.

What's the matter, sweetie? Bad news?

No, no. Dad is flying in to spend the day with us.

He's going to San Francisco on business.

Oh, then why the worried look?

It's Wilbur.

He's always been so scared to death of Dad.

Strange. A mother-in-law, I could understand.

But why should Wilbur be so frightened of your father?

He has a feeling that Dad thinks he's a kook.

Oh, my goodness. Whatever gave Wilbur that idea?

Because Father keeps calling him a kook.

Poor Wilbur.

Poor Wilbur? What's the matter? What happened?

Courage, Wilbur. Courage.

Carol, what's going on here?

Now, Wilbur, promise me you won't get excited.

You smashed up the car.

I've been drafted? You're leaving me?

Daddy's flying in to spend the day with us.

Oh, no. Oh, that's worse than I thought.

You're reading it upside down.

Now, honey, there's nothing to be so nervous about.

It's only my father.

He thinks I'm a kook.

Don't you worry. It's not going to get me this time.

No, sir, why should I be afraid of my own father-in-law?

What is he? He's just a person like you and me?

That won't bother me at all.

No, sir, don't you worry, Carol.

I'm going upstairs now. I'm going to get shaved, set the alarm, get a good night's sleep.

You call me when lunch is ready. I'll be in my office.

Carol, I'm scared.

I'm certainly glad that Carol offered to go down to the airport and pick up her father.

Gives me a chance to get this office straightened up.

Would you mind turning your father-in-law away from my stall?

Carol, he's curdling the hay.

I thought that would be a nice gesture.

Carol's father walks in the door, he sees his picture on my desk,

I hand him a box of his favorite cigars.

We're buddies.

Appeasement.

Stick an umbrella in your hand and it's Munich all over again.

Life shouldn't be a constant battle.

Nothing is ever gained by hostility.

We should learn to get along with each other, help each other.

Then how come we didn't help those three nice hobos in the woods today?

Look, those three hobos didn't seem to need any help.

If they did, I'd have been glad to do what I could.

Would you mind putting that in writing?

It's Carol's father. He must have got here early.

Come in.

Come in.

Welcome, dear.

Thanks.

Well, I'll have a few for after dinner.

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

My favorite brand.

I never bother bending down for any other kind.

What are you fellas doing here?

Surely, my good man, you remember inviting us for dinner?

I did when?

When you went to get some water for your horse, remember?

You called us from behind a tree.

I'll be right back.

Just a minute.

Here.

Here.

Where do you think you're going?

It was such a nice day, I thought I'd get out of the stables, rent me a man and take a ride.

That's not funny. Why did you invite those fellas in there?

They got a Be Kind Animals week, right?

So?

It's about time we started being kind to humans.

Do you realize my father-in-law's coming here?

So what? He's practically human.

He must have fallen off a merry-go-round when you were a baby.

When he gets here and sees I'm running a hobo motel, he'll call me a kook.

Blame it on me. Tell him I invited them.

That's exactly what I will tell him.

Oh, I'm getting rid of them.

Ah, gentlemen, this is the life.

I feel like I've got a million dollars.

Which reminds me, Duke, you owe me ten cents.

When I feel like I've got ten cents, I'll pay you.

Ah, we run into a great guy here.

He's got a heart as big as the wide open spaces.

Well, I'm afraid that's where you fellas are gonna have to go.

I'm sorry, but my father-in-law's coming here and you boys just cannot stay.

I understand.

We wouldn't want to cause any family problems.

So we'll be on our way.

If, uh, Toothpick feels strong enough...

Oh, I just can't make it, Duke. I can't make it.

All right, take it easy, Toothpick. Don't strain yourself.

Looks like we'll have to carry him.

Well, what... what's wrong with him?

Oh, he's okay. He's just a little starved.

Mainly from not eating.

Look.

Look, uh, if you promise to stay inside here,

I'll try to fix you something to eat before my father-in-law gets here.

Bless you, sir.

Forget it. I mean, after all, they have a Be Kind to Animals Week.

Why shouldn't they have a Be Kind to Humans Week?

This is something I thought of. I'll be right back.

It worked like a charm!

Be Kind to Humans Week.

Congress would never pass it.

Wilbur, Daddy's here.

Oh, that's great.

Well, Mr. Higgins, Daddy, Dad, sir.

Daddy's plane got in early. Doesn't he look wonderful?

Yes, I'm very glad to see you.

Hello, Wilbur.

Oh, yeah, hello, sir.

Hello, Wilbur.

How are you doing, sir?

Carol tells me you fixed up your office or barn or stable or wherever it is you work.

Yes, come on in and take a... let's stay out here.

You can't go in there.

Why not?

Oh, why not? Well, it's because it's slippery.

See, I just waxed the floors. It's waxed.

Would you believe this, sir, that more accidents occur in the bathroom than on the freeway?

We were not going into your bathroom.

Well, why don't we go in the house and relax, eh?

I'll take the suitcase for you.

Still look cool.

How do all his friends like him?

Now, Daddy, stop it.

Wilbur knows lots of lawyers, bankers, judges.

Why, some of the finest people in town drop into our house.

Right.

Congress!

Congress!

Don't sh**t. Take my money.

I don't want your money, lady.

Well, then, take the apples, the orchard, the house.

Spare my life, please.

I don't wish to harm you, lady.

I saw these clippers and I thought I might borrow a few apples from your tree.

Oh, you did.

Well, you've got a nerve trespassing on my property.

Who are you?

Lady, I'm presently out of calling cards.

I happen to be a guest of your neighbor, Mr. Post.

Guest?

You're not Wilbur's father-in-law.

Good gracious, no. I'm passing through on my way to Miami.

What are you doing out here? You promised you'd stay in the barn.

Well, I thought a few apples might build up toothpick strength and we could be on our way.

Here.

They're only California apples, but they'll have to do.

Tourist, if you don't like this country, go back to Florida.

Who is that friend? Is he really staying here with you?

Oh, just for a short while.

Well, I mean, Ed invited him.

Hey, we've got to learn to help the people who are down on their luck.

I mean, they have a be kind to animals week.

But are we forgetting our friend, the two-footed animal?

The kangaroo?

People like you and me.

Okay. When the final word is writ on the story of mankind, let our conscience...

Wilbur, what are you trying to say?

Would you take three hobos off my hand?

Harold's father is right.

You're a gold-plated, dyed-in-the-wool, 14-carat, K-O-O-K, kook.

Don't evade the question.

Little Joe.

Play three butts against one half.

You got a bet.

Eleven.

Little Joe.

Ed, my father-in-law is going to stay here for at least another two hours.

He's bound to run into those hobos.

We've got to get rid of them.

This food is kind of dry.

Will you give me a couple of ice cubes?

Ice cubes?

I'd like some carrots on the rocks.

Oh, you're a big help.

Look, I'm going to slip them a few dollars and send them on their way.

Excuse me.

Wilbur, don't do it.

Toothpick is a sick man.

What can I do about that?

My name is Wilbur Post. I'm Ben Casey.

Well, you've got to help a fellow human the same way we animals help each other.

You mean animals always help each other?

Well, sure. Take the elephant.

One elephant will never let another elephant go hungry.

Oh, come on, Ed.

Think, Wilbur. Did you ever see a skinny elephant?

I didn't come to think of it.

Same goes for squirrels.

You mean they share their food?

You betcha. When one squirrel calls on another, it's open house.

Their motto is, nuts to you, brother.

Uh-huh. You mean all animals always help each other?

Sure.

And where do they get that expression, the law of the jungle?

Well, that's a smear campaign spread by humans to give us animals a bad name.

I don't think that's true, Ed.

Believe me, Wilbur, all animals are gentle, kind, and generous.

Ah. Even the man-eating tiger?

You'll never see one who doesn't share the man with another tiger.

Yeah. Well, Ed, I'm awfully sorry, but those hobos have got to go.

I mean, if my father-in-law sees them around here, he'll be convinced I'm a kook.

So what? He knew that when he got here.

I'm sorry, Ed. They go.

Oh.

We've got to be kind to humans.

People need all the help they can get.

Hey, what is going on here?

Oh, come on. You fellas have had your lunch.

Look. Toothpick's okay now.

No, no. Uh...

Good luck here.

Here's a few dollars.

Good luck to you.

Five?

Uh, why don't you make it six so we can split it even?

It's deductible.

Why don't you keep us around a while? You could write us off as dependents.

All right, here. There's six.

Now get all your things together.

Wilbur. Wilbur.

Wilbur.

That's my father-in-law.

You've got to hide. All of you.

Hide. Come on.

Now back here. Come on.

Here. Come on.

In there. Hide.

Oh!

Hide.

Don't just sit there. Hide.

Hide.

You hot!

No, you belong here.

Whose clothes are those?

Clothes? Oh, they're mine.

Well, see, I just wear them around the garden.

When I'm gardening, where the flowers are.

Carol said you were doing very well. Don't you have a washing machine?

Oh, yes, yes, but I prefer the old-fashioned way, you know.

Rinse them out in a running stream and slap them across some rocks.

Let them drip dry. Nature's way.

Dear Mom,

I've been riding the rails for 18 years now.

Last night, I was out in the sanitation dumps and I was thinking of you.

I sure miss you and Dad also.

As soon as Dad's parole comes up, let's all get together for a happy reunion.

I'll let you know when I arrive so you can come down to the freight yards to meet me.

Writing a short story.

You know, you never know who'll buy them.

Why don't you try the Sing Sing Gazette?

That's funny. I must tell that to Miss Higgins.

Your daughter. My wife.

Wilbur, I've been meaning to have a talk with you.

Yes, well, Dad, why don't we go outside where we can talk in private?

What do you mean in private?

Well, away from the horse.

The horse?

You're right. He's family, sure. There's nothing we couldn't say in front of him.

Well, I'm sure you'll find this a little offbeat.

I mean, me working here in the barn.

But actually, it's very convenient.

It doesn't make any difference where your office is.

It's how you run it that counts.

And I also feel that an office reflects a man's personality.

And this place, this is me.

I'm out of poop, sir.

My methods may seem eccentric to those who are not acquainted with me,

but you'll find they make sense.

I'm just a normal man, living a normal life,

doing all the things any normal architect would do.

I think I'd better sit down for a minute.

Well, Dad, I guess you're wondering what all these fellas are doing here.

Well, you know, they have a Be Kind to Animals Week.

Has the thought ever occurred to you they should also have a Be Kind to Humans Week?

Oh, my poor daughter.

Oh.

Well, your father's plane get off on time?

Mm-hmm. You know, he must have been sorry to leave,

because all the way to the airport, he kept patting my hand and saying,

my poor daughter, my poor daughter.

Oh.

He also told me a strange story about you and some hobos

and a Be Kind to Humans Week.

What happened, Wilbur?

Oh, I just fed three hungry men and gave them a few dollars.

And according to your father, that makes me Mr. Kook.

That makes me Mrs. Kook, because I'm glad you did it.

I'll start dinner.

Sometimes I'm glad you married that blonde.

Me too.

Ah, Ed, wouldn't it be wonderful if people all over the world

were to adopt this policy of being kind to their fellow humans?

Yeah, then it'd be Christmas every day, huh?

That's right.

Gee, 365 presents a year.

Oh, no, you miss the point.

Get my neck out.

All right.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.