04x12 - Ed's Christmas Story

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh,

full of hay.

I love Christmas.

Wilbur is so full of the spirit of giving,

and I'm so full of the spirit of receiving.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to be jolly,

tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Hey, we make a pretty good trio.

Trio?

Yeah, between us, we got six legs.

Hey, hold it, Wilbur.

What?

What are you kissing me for?

You're standing under the mistletoe.

So I am.

You want to have me tell you the real story of Christmas?

No.

Don't you want to hear?

If it wasn't for a horse, nobody would be getting Christmas gifts.

I haven't got time now, Ed.

What's this?

Attention, Wilbur Post, Ed's Christmas shopping list.

Yeah, just a few things I'd like to give the horses at the stable.

You expect me to buy gifts for 12 horses?

Seven.

The last five are for me.

You said nobody buys Christmas gifts for horses?

Which is why in stalls all over the world

you'll find tear-stained hay on Christmas Day.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, Ed, but see, I'm meeting Gordon.

We're going to do our Christmas shopping.

I'm buying something for Carol.

See you later, fellas.

Oh, hi, Gordon. You ready?

Yeah, I just jotted down a few things

that Winnie hinted she'd like to have for Christmas.

Why bother going downtown?

Why not just have them gift-wrap the department store?

Wilbur, I've got a thought.

Why spend all this money for these expensive, extravagant gifts?

Is there any reason why the four of us can't be sensible this year?

Just one reason.

Two of us are women.

Why can't we make an agreement

that we won't spend over, say, $15 apiece this year?

Well, you've convinced me, believe me,

but now you better try to convince the wives.

Well, I thought I'd let you take care of that.

Well, me.

Yeah, now, Wilbur, when you served under me in the Air Force,

you were always the first one to volunteer

for any difficult assignment.

Oh, sure, but what you're asking for now is a suicide mission.

Wilbur, as your former commanding officer,

I order you to volunteer.

Oh, but...

Hands up!

Oh, no, yes, please!

Oh, please!

Forward march!

No, you can't!

Hands up!

Hands up!

Forward march!

Only $15 for Christmas gifts?

When I go shopping, I spend more than that on parking meters.

Well, what can you buy for $15?

Well, you can get, uh...

Oh, they've got some very nice, uh...

Oh...

That's only some of the things.

But any other suggestions?

Well, uh, it's very simple.

For $15, you can get three $5 gifts.

Yeah, or five $3 gifts.

Oh, Carol, they're only joking.

They really had me fooled.

Oh, of course.

Look at the way they're trying to hide their smiles.

I really thought they were serious.

And they are.

$15, huh?

Well, are we all together?

Uh, let's have a show of hands.

Well, four people, four hands, that's unanimous.

It's the night before Christmas, and Wilbur's my boss.

If he doesn't get me those gifts, he'd better get a new horse.

Hey, have you seen my checkbook?

No, I haven't.

Hey, what happened to all the Christmas decorations?

I took them down.

Took them down? Why?

Well, if you won't buy gifts for my friends, it's not Christmas.

It's National Scrooge Week.

Don't you talk to me like that.

Now, you say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's good.

I'm sorry you're so tight you won't buy gifts for my friends.

Now, it's not a matter of being tight, Ed.

It's just that we want to have a sensible Christmas for once.

But Carol and I have agreed not to spend any more than $15 on each other.

That's swell.

That'll leave you a lot of money to blow on my friends.

I don't want to discuss this anymore, Ed.

The only horse that I am buying a gift for is you.

Maybe.

Yeah, you got all the money in, Hank.

Well, it looks like I've got to buy those presents for my friends.

I just hope Wilbur's kept his credit good.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Hello?

Hope Wilbur doesn't get this bill till after New Year's Day.

Remember, we don't spend more than $15.

Including the sales tax.

There you are, sir.

Gentlemen.

He just selected an exquisite necklace for his wife.

It was a bargain too, only $600.

What can I do for you, gentlemen?

Uh, uh, Gordon, would you?

Oh, no, that's all right, go ahead, let him wait on you first.

Well, I'd like to see something for my wife, please.

Those earrings, may I see those?

They are lovely, aren't they?

We just got them in from Italy.

Notice the delicate florentine design.

Oh, yes, she'd like those.

How much are they?

Just $165.

Too bad they're not her size.

Her size?

Yes, well, you see, my wife has very small earlobes.

And this earring is so long, why, she'd have to hook it on the top,

and it would hang down, seeing as she couldn't hear anything.

Small earlobes run in her family, it's a condition.

What do they call it again?

Too much money.

Too much money.

Wilbur, do you think that Winnie would like this handbag?

No, she'd hate it, she likes those big purses.

You're wrong, Winnie always carries a small handbag.

Oh, you're kidding, her purses look like duffel bags.

She always looks like she's going on a forced march.

Wilbur, who's been married to my wife for 20 years, you or me?

You.

Exactly, I know her purses like she knows my pockets.

Stubborn, stubborn.

I know she likes small purses.

Every time we go out, she asks me to carry her eyebrow pencil and her lipstick,

her eye shadow, her eyeliner, and her emery boards and nail polish.

I'm not her husband, I'm her makeup man.

Now then, how much is this purse?

Just $140.

She does like large purses.

I don't know, if you have to carry all that stuff for her, why...

Well, she can never find it in those ridiculously large handbags.

Gentlemen, it might help me if you tell me approximately how much you wish to spend.

$100?

$75?

$50?

$25?

$20?

$19?

$18?

$15?

You wish to tell me you wish to spend only $15?

Well, that's $15 a piece.

Can you recommend something for us at that price?

The Army and Navy store at the end of the street.

Think we ought to ask them to validate our parking ticket?

Winnie, do you think we went a little overboard in our gifts for the boys?

Overboard? I'd say we abandoned ship.

We certainly abandoned the $15 limit.

I'll bet we spent close to $200 a piece on them.

Well, the colonel can't complain. What I spent is money I saved on the food budget.

Oh, how long did it take you to save all that money?

I don't know. I start tomorrow.

Well, I don't feel too bad.

I know the boys won't stick to that silly $15 limit either.

Oh, of course they won't. Well, they'll probably spend twice what we did.

The colonel loves to buy me gifts.

Wilbur's the same way.

Hi, girls. We're back.

What's all this under the tree here?

Surprise. These boxes are your gifts.

And, colonel, all these are yours.

Wow. We got a couple of great little shoppers, huh?

All this stuff for just $15.

Well, never mind that. You boys run out to the car and get all the things you bought for us.

You want us to give you a hand carrying them in?

Uh, well, we already carried it in.

It weren't very heavy.

Oh, colonel, you bought me that emerald brooch I've been wanting.

And I'll bet this is that pearl necklace I've been hinting for.

Oh, you boys shouldn't have done it.

We didn't.

Boy, didn't we, didn't we?

Colonel, what's in this?

Well, it says right there, do not open until Christmas.

Oh, just tell me what's in it.

Well, it's a ring.

A diamond ring?

No, a napkin ring.

A genuine tortoise shell napkin ring from Hawaii.

Colonel, you bought me a napkin ring?

And Wilbur's giving Carol a pearl necklace?

Well, Winnie, I'm not exactly giving her a pearl necklace.

What are you giving me?

A teakwood fruit picker.

Well, see, if you get a box of candied fruit,

well, you just take the teakwood fruit picker

and you pick out the piece of candied fruit.

Keeps your fingers from getting all sticky.

I mean, I could have got you a box of candied fruit

to go with the teakwood fruit picker,

but that would have put me over the $15 limit.

Wilbur, we spent over $200 apiece on you fellas.

$200?

Winnie, we made an agreement.

Colonel, I'm surprised at you.

I never thought you were the sort of man

to make a bargain with your wife

and then selfishly stick to it.

Well, I am.

I'll get it, Diamond Jim.

Mrs. Post?

Yes?

I delivered all those packages of the bond

like Mr. Post ordered.

Will you sign here, please?

Oh, yes.

Certainly.

Thank you.

Thank you, ma'am.

Oh, Winnie, these adorable clowns

have had all of our gifts delivered to the barn.

What gifts?

Oh, now stop it, Wilbur.

The joke is over.

I have the order right here.

Let me see.

Saddle, bridle, feed bag,

water bucket, horse blanket,

one bale of imported hay.

Wilbur,

you got Ed all these gifts

and I get a fruit plucker?

That's a fruit plickler.

Plickle fruiter.

Look, I didn't order all these gifts for Ed.

It's a mistake.

And believe me, they're all going back.

Well, we can drop them off on our way downtown.

I believe we have some more Christmas shopping to do.

Yeah, this looks like the end of the $15 plan

and the beginning of the 12-month payment plan.

I'll meet you outside in five minutes.

Make it 15.

I've got a little unfinished business

to take care of in the barn.

Ed, I have spoken to you before

about buying things over the phone.

Ed, those gifts for your friends in my office

are going back, do you understand?

Even the saddle I ordered for myself?

Especially that one.

Gee.

After what you've pulled,

Santa Claus is putting nothing in your horseshoes this year.

It's not fair.

If it wasn't for a horse,

the kids all over the world

wouldn't be getting presents on Christmas morning.

What are you talking about?

You want to hear the true story

how Santa was able to give all of the kids gifts?

No, I don't.

But I got a feeling I'm going to hear about it anyway.

Well, it was a horse that gave him the idea.

I thought so.

Sit down, Wolver.

All right.

Ah, now I'm going to tell you the real Christmas story.

The one Hollywood didn't dare make.

Ed, do you really expect me to believe

that a horse was responsible for kids all over the world

getting presents from Santa Claus?

Have I ever lied to you?

Ah, never mind. Just listen.

Okay, go ahead with the story, Mother Goose.

Well, once upon a time,

there lived at the North Pole

a kindly little toy maker named Wilbur Claus.

I mean Santa Claus

and his faithful horse, Ed.

Santa had a great love for children,

and every Christmas Eve,

he'd try to give free toys to all the little kids in his village,

but it was never enough.

All these letters from children wanting toys.

What can I do?

I'm so poor, all I have are eight reindeer

and one lazy horse.

Oh, but what can I do?

I can't disappoint the children.

I'm just a poor toy maker.

To whom can I turn?

By turning this way.

Who said that?

Me, you little old toy maker, you.

My horse, you can talk?

Who do you think has been teaching your dolls to say, Mama?

Why didn't you tell me you could talk?

You never ask me.

Can you, can you help me?

Santa Claus, I'm gonna make you famous all over the world.

What?

You'll be giving out toys to every kid

from the North Pole to the South Pole.

But where will I get all the money to make these toys?

All Scrooge Kirkwood is loaded.

He's a banker, isn't he?

Oh, yes, but you know how stingy he is?

He keeps all his money in that alligator wallet.

And it's a real live alligator.

He's always complaining about the noise

from your shop and your reindeer.

So this is how you can get him to lend you the money.

Now, uh, let me get this straight, Claus.

You want the North Pole's Savings and Loan

to lend you enough money to make toys

for every child in the world?

Uh, yes, Mr. Scrooge.

Ah, Mr. Kirkwood.

And just what kind of toys do you need?

How much collateral do you have to give me, Claus?

The laughter of children,

the joy reflected in little faces,

the undying gratitude of tiny hearts all over the world.

Oh.

Mr. Kirkwood, I've come here to make you a proposition.

Proposition?

You are always complaining about the noise from my workshop,

my reindeer eating the grass from your lawn.

And some strange, heavy voice

yelling, Mama, Mama, all night.

Well, that's my horse.

Why?

My horse throat.

Yes.

I, uh, I keep telling my wife about it all night.

I call her Mama.

What about this proposition you were offering?

How long do you think it would take me

to deliver a toy to every child in the world?

To their every child.

Years.

Why, do you ask?

I say I could do it in one night,

from Christmas Eve to Christmas morning.

And I say you belong in a padded igloo.

Mr. Kirkwood, if you lend me the money to make these toys

and I don't deliver them all on Christmas Eve,

I'll close up my shop, sell my reindeer,

and get rid of my horse.

Uh, my horse-ness.

You mean no more reindeer,

no more noise from your shop,

and no more strange voices at night?

Santa Claus, you got yourself a deal.

With the money he borrowed,

Santa's little workshop became a gigantic toy factory

with hundreds of people working day and night

to fill all the orders which had piled up.

Fortunately for Santa, he had a tough shop foreman.

Come on, boys, let's go.

Let's stop working like men and start working like horses.

Well, the toys are all finished.

I don't know how I'm gonna deliver them

to all those children in just one night.

I've got news for you, Santa.

I taught your reindeer how to fly.

My reindeer can fly?

Donner was a little chicken at first,

but now he's doing loops like an ace.

Really?

And Rudolph's nose makes a beautiful landing light.

I can't believe it.

The sleigh's all loaded, Santa,

and you're cleared for takeoff at 1800.

Well, I'm all ready.

I hope those reindeer know where they're going

because I certainly don't.

Well, what is this?

The flight plan I worked out for you.

How did you map it out so fast?

I call the auto club.

You think I'll be able to cover all these countries

in just 12 hours?

Only if you don't ring doorbells.

Maybe I'll just go down the chimney, huh?

Good thinking.

Only remember, pull your stomach in, chubby.

Yeah, well, I'd better get going.

Old Kirkwood's out there with a stopwatch.

Excuse me, Edward.

Uh, Santa, don't forget the bit I taught you this afternoon.

Oh, I've got it.

Uh, h*, h*, h*, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.

No, no, you still haven't got it right.

Listen.

h*, h*, h*, Merry Christmas,

Merry Christmas.

Uh, let's try it together.

All right.

h*, h*, h*, h*,

Merry Christmas,

Merry Christmas.

Up Donner, up Blitzen,

up Dancer, up Prancer.

Here he goes.

So, you see, Wilbur,

if it weren't for a horse,

there'd be no gifts from Santa Claus on Christmas Day.

And that's why you feel your friends at the stable

deserve presents, huh?

What do you say, Santa?

I'm sorry, Ed.

Aw, gee.

I'm sorry I tried to deny you

the very thing that Christmas stands for.

Giving.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Then I can give my friends gifts, huh?

You bet you can, Ed.

And we'll deliver them

just as soon as Gordon and I get back from shopping.

Oh, boy.

Oh, uh, one thing, Ed.

Not that I doubt that Christmas story of yours,

you understand,

but, um, where did Santa get the money

to make all those toys the next year?

Uh, why don't you ask me that question next year?

I will.

Merry Christmas, Ed.

Merry Christmas, Wilbur.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

Hi, girls.

Well, we're, uh, back.

Yeah.

Ahem.

Did you get all your shopping done?

Oh, yes.

Merry Christmas, darling.

Oh, Gordon.

Now, whatever could be in this emerald brooch box?

Just for you, Carol.

Oh, my pearl necklace.

What a wonderful surprise.

Oh, Wilbur, you shouldn't have.

Well, that's what the bank's gonna write on the check

when they send it back.

Boys, Carol and I were talking,

and we decided that next Christmas

we should be more sensible.

That's right.

We're going to set a limit of $20 for gifts.

Why not stay with the $15 limit?

We know that'll only cost us $200.

Well, excuse me. I've got things to do.

Come on, Ed.

We'd better get going

if you want to deliver these gifts to your friends.

h*, h*, h*, h*!

Merry Christmas!

h*, h*, h*, h*!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this!

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.