04x13 - Ed Gets the Mumps

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Ed, never mind that filing, would you get the phone, please?

Okay, boss.

Hello.

Oh, this is Mr. Johnson, secretary?

Well, this is Mr. Post, secretary.

Yes, the plans will be ready by Wednesday.

What?

Thanks a lot, honey, but I better say no. I think you would be a little surprised if we had lunch together.

Bye.

Thanks, Ed. You're a great help around the office. A man never had a better friend.

Or a cheaper secretary.

Your master's voice.

Think I'll take a carrot break.

Honey, you know Linda Richards, our nice neighbor down the street?

The one that's married to the Navy lieutenant?

Uh-huh. Well, her husband just called. His ship is docked in San Diego, and he wanted her to come down and spend a couple of days with him.

Well, fine. A wife's place is with her husband.

That's right, honey. That's what I told her. So I thought the neighborly thing to do.

Yeah?

Well, I told her we'd love to take care of her baby for a couple of days. Is that all right, darling?

I don't know, Carol.

Please say yes, honey. You must.

Why?

Well, the baby's already in the house, and Linda's on her way to the airport. I didn't think you'd mind.

I don't. No, it's fine. Fine with me. Like I said, a wife's place is with her husband.

And the baby's place is with its mother, or its father, or its neighbors, or anybody who'll take it.

I just talked to Winnie Kirkwood, and she said she'd give us a hand.

Well, let's give the Kirkwoods a baby to watch, and we'll give them a hand.

No. I promised Linda I'd watch Madeline, and it just wouldn't be fair to pass her on to the neighbors.

Why not? We can both take turns watching her until the kid's old enough to get married.

Honey, I have a thousand things to do. Will you move the crib upstairs while I fix the formula?

No.

That's a good boy.

If that baby thinks she's going to steal Wilbur away from me, she's got a hole in her bonnet.

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Wilbur!

What's up, baby?

Shh! Baby!

What happened?

It sounded like an earthquake.

You're close, Winnie.

It was Hurricane Wilbur.

Well, it's not my fault. My wife's carpet sweeper was double parked.

Give the little angel to me.

Here, come to your Aunt Winnie, sweetheart.

Ah, there. There, sweetie.

Nothing like the sound of a baby to brighten a hole.

Don't cry, honey.

Here, look at the colonel.

I wonder what made her stop crying.

Women of all ages find me irresistible.

Baby!

Well, there's something new on the baby market.

The pacifier with a mustache.

The mustache. That's it.

Madeline's father has a mustache.

You're right. The baby thinks you're her father.

Well, I don't, and it's my word against hers.

She needs her sleep.

Now, you let her see your face while I put her back in the carriage.

Oh, now, I'm not gonna...

Come along, Colonel.

Colonel?

Dandruff. Falling arches.

Oh, no.

I gotta find some sickness that'll bring Wilbur running back to me.

Nothing fatal, just sympathetic.

Ingrown toenails.

Migraine headaches.

Dementia precox.

No, I'd have to ask Scrooge,

and Wilbur'd never know the difference.

The common cold.

Toothache.

Falling hair.

No, I wouldn't know which end to let it fall from.

Hey, here's a goodie.

Monks.

A couple of apples ought to puff up my cheeks.

Ah!

That'll be milk, honey.

Bar's all closed at 2 o'clock.

What else we got here?

Hey!

Please!

Please!

Honey, you don't like music, you don't like milk.

All you like are mustaches, huh?

Please!

Please!

Please!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Wilbur who?

Gordon, I hate to bother you at this hour,

but the baby's crying again,

and, uh, well, would you bring your mustache over here?

Wilbur, we were in the Air Force together, right?

And I was your commanding officer, right?

Well, you take care of that baby post,

and that's an order.

He's a tape.

He's a tape.

Mitch Miller started this way.

You better marry a man with a mustache, honey,

or you won't get any sleep.

Help, burglar!

Ew, it's me.

Oh, Wilbur, you scared me to death.

I'm wearing this to stop Madeline's crying.

Oh.

I guess I better warm up the bottle.

Never mind that.

Just warm up the mustache.

Wilbur, I...

I, uh, I believe it's your turn, sir.

Hello?

Hurry over, Wilbur.

I'm sick as a dog,

and that's terrible for a horse.

I'd better put my mumps on.

Who was that on the phone, dear?

Uh, wrong number.

Yeah.

I, uh, I think I'll get myself a sandwich.

Hey, what's all this about being sick?

Man, your cheeks are all puffed up.

What's wrong, fella?

It's the mumps.

The mumps?

Yeah, I caught it from that baby.

That's impossible. She doesn't have them.

She's probably a carrier, like Typhoid Mary.

She might be Mumpy Madeline.

I never heard of a horse getting the mumps.

Well, just look.

I'm all puffed out, and I'm not blowing a trumpet.

Does it hurt, then?

Only when I talk or eat or sleep or breathe.

Open your mouth. Let me look.

Oh, I wouldn't want you to catch it.

I couldn't catch it. I had it when I was a little baby.

Not the horse mumps. They're bigger.

Got me worried.

First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call a vet.

If I'm still around.

Oh, you will be.

You see, there's nothing really serious about the mumps.

I've got the worst kind.

The traveling mumps.

The traveling... What?

Now I feel them in my neck.

If they travel down my back, I might wind up a camel.

Relax, Ed.

First thing in the morning, I'll take care of it.

Look, I've got to get back to Carol and help her with that baby.

Go ahead.

If a stranger is more important than your own flesh and blood.

All right, Ed. What can I do?

Sing me to sleep, Wilbur.

What a night.

Please.

Okay. Come on.

Put your head on my shoulder.

Come on, come on.

There you go. That a boy.

Rock-a-bye, Eddie

On the treetop

When the wind blows

The cradle will rock

When the bough breaks

The cradle will fall

And down will come Eddie

Mumpsy

And all

Mumpsy?

Wilbur?

Yes, dear?

If you're going to kiss me, Wilbur, shave first.

Wilbur?

Wilbur?

Hi.

You were a big help last night.

Hiding out here in the barn so that I had to walk the baby.

I'm sorry, honey. I must have fallen asleep.

I don't think it was fair at all.

Well, I had to take care of Ed, so he came down with the mumps.

The mumps?

Yeah. Well, see, he didn't have them when he was a baby.

Wilbur, this is the wildest story you've ever cooked up.

Horses don't have the mumps.

Well, his cheeks are all puffed out, and he wasn't whistling Dixie.

The baby's over at the Kirkwoods.

Now, please, get dressed. I have some shopping for you to do.

Okay.

Uh, Carol, look, uh, stay away from Ed.

See, if those are the traveling mumps,

why, you might end up looking like a camel.

You know, I can't get over Wilbur

ducking out on me all night like that.

Now, don't get yourself all worked up, Carol.

The colonel promised he'd give us a hand with the baby today.

Halt, colonel.

Oh, stop, honey.

Stop, darling.

Here's your Uncle Gordon with his magic mustache.

I'm shaving it off right after lunch.

Oh, darling.

When the preacher said, till death do us part,

he meant the three of us.

You, me, and little fuzzy-wuzzy.

Uncle Gordon.

Hi, honey.

Hello, Winnie.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

Woo, woo, woo, woo.

Hi, Mother.

Honey, here's what I want you to get.

All right.

Oh, you better write it down.

Oh, I don't need to do that.

I got a brain. Just what do you need?

A box of talcum powder,

half a dozen flannel diapers,

a pair of knitted booties,

a bottle of olive oil,

and some safety pins.

Mm-hmm.

Got it?

Sure, simple.

Honey, you better write it down.

Uh, olive powder, safety booties,

and a half a dozen knitted n*pples.

Wonderful. I didn't think you could do it.

I forgot what to get Ed at the feed store.

Thanks for reminding me.

I gotta get something for his mumps.

Mumps?

Did he say his horse has the mumps?

Wah!

Wah!

Colonel.

Wah!

Wah!

Wah!

Olive oil, safety pins,

talcum powder, safety booties.

Uh...

Uh...

You don't look so good.

Ed, I look better than I feel.

Look, Ed, I'm going down to the drugstore.

Is there anything I can get you?

Uh, just a little wreath.

I'm not long for this world.

I better phone the vet right away.

Yes, Doctor, I'm sure my horse has the mumps.

No, I'm not calling from a bar.

It's his cheeks. They're all puffed up.

Well, did you ever see a man playing the bagpipes?

Well, he looks like the bagpipes.

Doctor, surely there is something you can suggest.

A psychiatrist.

For the mumps?

Oh, for me.

The doctor.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, you said?

Oh.

Isn't there a vet in town that'll believe a horse can have the mumps?

Oh.

How did you get them, anyway?

I told you, Wilbur, from that baby.

But you've never seen the baby.

Yeah, but you have.

Next thing you know, you'll be bringing me measles,

whooping cough, and before you know it, diaper rash.

Diaper rash?

Well, later.

Looks like I'll just have to stay here and treat you myself.

Oh, bless you, Wilbur.

You're more than human.

You're all horse.

Thank you, Ed.

Oh, relax.

Maybe they're busy at the drugstore.

Wilbur's been gone for over an hour.

When I think of that phony excuse he gave me for disappearing last night,

his horse has mumps.

Did you look at Mr. Ed?

What?

Well, you don't really think...

Who knows?

Maybe horses get mumps.

People get Charlie horses.

This I've got to see.

Whew!

How's the orange juice, Ed?

Ah, delicious.

I can use another gallon.

Coming up.

Is this orange juice really doing you any good?

Oh, yeah.

One thing about mumps,

if you can't lick them, you've got to drown them.

The medical book also says you've got to stay out of draft,

so keep away from the door,

and don't wave your tail any more than you have to.

Okay.

Wilbur, what on earth are you doing?

Uh, I'm, uh, I'm squeezing oranges.

I thought I sent you to the drugstore.

Drugstore?

For the baby, remember?

Baby?

Who, who, the baby?

Oh, well, honey, I, uh, I have a very sick horse here.

He isn't even here.

What? What? No, it's ridiculous.

He...

Well, he was here a minute ago.

Well, I...

How would you like an ice gallon of orange juice, dear?

How would you like to spend the night on the couch, dear?

I thought you'd never leave.

Why did you disappear?

Oh, I, I hate family quarrels.

Well, I'm going to have to square things with her.

Oh, don't leave me, Wilbur.

I'm cold.

Oh?

Well, look, I'll, I'll cover you up.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah-choo!

Uh-oh.

No.

Oh.

You had the mumps, huh?

Yeah, holler, but don't hit.

This is the sneakiest trick you have ever pulled.

What are you, some kind of animal?

Well, with that baby around, I wasn't seeing very much of you.

Well, you're going to be seeing even less of me from now on.

Yeah, then that settles it.

I'm leaving home.

Fine, I'll help you pack.

After dinner.

I never travel on an empty stomach.

Here.

You can eat your mumps.

Oh.

Well, Madeline, you little troublemaker.

Looks like you've won.

Goodbye, Wilbur.

What's she yapping about?

She wasn't thrown out like me.

Why doesn't Carol get up and take care of that kid?

Might be a pin sticking her.

Well, it's not my problem.

No.

You're not going anywhere.

Come on, Ed, back to your bed.

I'll never figure you out.

Excuse me.

You're not mad at me anymore, Wilbur?

You really like little Madeline, don't you, Ed?

Gee, how could a big horse like me be jealous of a little baby?

Just an old softy.

Excuse me, Wilbur, I gotta change her.

Oh, you come on to bed.

So much for the boss's mail.

Pretty dull stuff.

Nothing worth steaming open.

Hello, good morning, Ed.

Sure is a beautiful day, huh?

Yeah, you sound happy, boss.

Is your wife talking to you yet?

We started kissing this morning.

So we'll be talking before you know it.

Oh, hey, isn't this nice?

Postcard from Madeline's mother, thanking us for taking care of the baby.

I better show this to Carol.

No, don't leave me.

Why not?

I think I've got chicken pox.

You're laying an egg, Ed.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.