04x16 - Ed in the Peace Corps

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Six-hour tie-up on the freeway.

Wow, man shot in supermarket, wife hits husband with baseball bat.

I wouldn't be a human if they paid me.

U.S. Peace Corps recruits volunteers for service abroad.

New group to leave for Pakistan.

I wonder if they take horses.

I hear those Pakistan fillies are really packed.

Good morning, Ed.

What's in the news?

Same old stuff.

Wilbur, do you think the Peace Corps would send a horse to Pakistan?

You keep messing up my desk like this and I'll send you to Pakistan.

Where's that Anderson contract?

I filed it.

You did?

Yeah.

The Peace Corps could use me, Wilbur,

you know, to improve the image of the ugly American horse.

You could improve the image of the American horse right here.

What are these apples doing in the filing cabinet?

Waiting for me to eat them.

You know you're not supposed to put apples in here.

Why not? I filed them under the A's, didn't I?

Can't even do that right.

Here's one under W.

It had a worm in it.

Ed, this is not your personal food locker.

Now, where is that Anderson contract?

In my feed box.

What is it doing in your feed box?

Well, the filing cabinet's full of my food.

Carrots, corn.

Oats.

Barley.

Hay.

Ed, you know you are not supposed to keep food in that locker.

Wilbur, I'm going to the clink.

Oh, my goodness. What a mess.

Honey, what happened?

You think the Peace Corps would send a horse to Pakistan?

What are you talking about?

Ed, really, he's got this place in such a mess,

I can't find a thing around here.

Well, I've been telling you for a long time,

what you need is a secretary.

A secretary?

Maybe you're right.

Yeah.

Carol, would you do me a favor and call some agency and get a girl?

Sure, honey. Leave it to me.

Great.

A secretary, huh?

Here's that Anderson contract, sir.

Anything else, Mr. Post?

Boss?

Sir?

No use, Ed. I'm still hiring a secretary.

Oh, no, Wilbur.

With a girl around, I won't be able to talk to you all day.

Ed, a businessman can't run a sloppy office.

And horses don't make good secretaries.

I need a girl who can file, type, take shorthand.

Yeah, but can you slap a saddle on her back

and take her for a ride in the park?

I'm not used to a secretary being around here.

Ed, I've got to deliver this contract.

Meanwhile, clean up this mess, huh?

Eternal rectangle.

A man, his wife, his secretary, and his horse.

One of us has got to go, and it won't be me.

Cornwall Secretarial Agency.

This is Mrs. Wilbur Post.

I'm calling regarding a secretary for my husband.

Yes, I'll wait.

Carol, believe me, it's a bad move.

I've been married to the colonel for 20 years, and you know why?

Because he never had a secretary.

Winnie, please.

Yes, a girl who can type, file, take shorthand.

Sit on his lap.

Sit on his lap.

Winnie.

That's right.

He's looking for a sort of a girl Friday.

And you'll be looking for him the rest of the week.

Oh? What's she like?

A secretarial school graduate? Good.

Business experience? Uh-huh.

Pleasant? Congenial? Attractive?

She used to model?

Sorry, wrong number.

Winnie, honestly, I trust Wilbur implicitly,

and he needs a secretary.

Now, when your husband was in the Air Force,

didn't he have a secretary?

Certainly, but his name was Sam.

Now, listen to me, Carol.

If Wilbur has to have a secretary,

why don't you get him one of those foreign exchange students from college?

Foreign exchange student?

Yes, one of those girls from Spain or Tunisia or even Turkey.

At least you know night she'll be studying algebra,

not your husband.

Hi, Ed.

You know, Ed, you're being childish.

A secretary would be a big help to both of us.

Uh, not to me.

I won't be able to talk,

play chess or ping pong.

I'm back to being just a horse.

And what's wrong with being just a horse?

I've lost the touch.

Please, Wilbur, before you hire a girl,

do me one favor.

Sure, Ed. What do you want me to do?

Fire her.

Wilbur, look.

I've been watching these roses for days.

Suddenly they go out in the backyard, and there they are, dead.

Well, for their sakes, I hope they went quickly.

What?

Wait a minute. I didn't know you felt that strongly about gardening.

Well, I never did, but suddenly I've got nothing else to do.

And when we bought this place, the garden was so beautiful,

I decided to try and keep it that way.

Why don't you hire a gardener?

I believe in doing things myself.

So do I.

What do you mean? Winnie says you're hiring a girl.

What do you want me to do, hire a horse?

I still say you do not need anyone to help in this teeny little office.

I say it's a gross waste of manpower.

That's why I'm hiring a girl.

You know, the more I think of it,

the less I like my idea of hiring an exchange student.

Well, what's the matter with an exchange student?

With your luck, she could be from Paris.

So what?

What does a French girl have that I don't have?

I don't know.

But I don't think you should give Wilbur a chance to find out.

I'm not afraid of losing Wilbur.

He loves me.

That must be her.

Get rid of her.

Tell her the office burned down.

Hello.

I am Eiko Tanaka. Are you Mrs. Post?

That's right. Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Oh, this is a lovely room.

It's so full of color,

like we have in Japan.

Thank you.

Eiko, I'd like you to meet our neighbor, Mrs. Kirkwood.

How do you do?

It is an honor.

Please forgive my staring, Mrs. Kirkwood.

That is one of the prettiest dress I have ever seen.

Thank you.

She has wonderful taste, hasn't she?

Yes, she has.

Hasn't she?

I still say hiring a secretary

is a gross waste of efficiency.

Now, why did you remain a navigator in the Air Force

while I became a colonel?

You were afraid of flying.

Exactly. Don't be funny.

Wilbur.

This is Eiko Tanaka, your new secretary.

Hello, Eiko. Welcome aboard.

Dana is mine, Mr. Post.

And this is my husband, Mr. Kirkwood.

How do you do?

A pleasure, Mr. Kirkwood.

Oh, I see you have a horse here.

Don't mind him, Eiko. He's just being temperamental.

Well, let's go, Winnie.

Oh, Eiko, take good care of my husband.

Yes.

Well, Eiko,

in the top drawer here

we have dictation pads and pencils.

Oh, these poor roses.

How can anyone let them die?

I didn't. They just died for themselves.

Oh, no. They did not have to die.

And that's the pencil sharpener right there, you see?

And there's plenty of carbon paper.

Do you have any idea what happened to them?

Oh, yes. I am measuring in hard to keep track.

I'm going to take a picture at the university.

Oh, and the contracts are kept in this top drawer.

This is powdery mildew,

a serious disease of roses.

And it appears at flowering time

and causes dwarfing of the shoots.

And this is the little drafting board.

I want you to please keep this covered up at night.

Do you think you could save the rest of my roses?

Oh, if it is not too late.

First, we must dust them with sulfur.

And, uh...

Well, Lella, tell me the rest on the way over.

Nice thinking.

You should have hired a secretary years ago.

Well, I keep the paper clips

and the elastic bands under the desk here.

And you've got to admit it.

Eko's only been here for two days

and she has accomplished miracles.

In two seconds, I can find anything I want.

Then find yourself a new horse.

I'm joining the Peace Corps.

Ed, don't talk like that.

I can't talk at all with her around.

If you want a dumb animal, get yourself a pussycat.

Now, Ed, be reasonable. I need a secretary.

You can dictate your next letter to me in Pakistan.

Look, Ed, if the Peace Corps asks for a recommendation,

I'm going to have to tell them the truth.

You're a terrible secretary.

I'm not bucking for a desk job.

I want to work right with the natives.

Pull a plow in Timbuktu,

clear fields in Malaya,

all timber in Ethiopia.

Teach those foreign horses

good old Yankee know-how.

The only thing you know-how is eat and sleep.

Where my country calls,

thither go I.

Thither?

Thither.

Try thither.

Where my country calls,

thither go I.

Oh, beautiful

for spacious skies,

amber waves of...

PHONE RINGS

Allow me, please.

Oh.

Hello, this is Mr. Paul's secretary.

Mr. Thompson.

Listen, yes, I mailed the blueprints to your office

and the duplicates to your home

and the contracts and duplicates to you

and to your partners.

Don't mention it, Mr. Thompson.

It is a pleasure to serve you.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hello. Is this the Peace Corps?

Yes, this is the Peace Corps.

Good.

Where does a horse go to join up?

Did you say a horse, sir?

Yes.

A beautiful Palomino.

What countries are we pushing this month?

Well, I'm not sure

we accept horses for overseas duty.

I'll have to check with Washington.

Okay.

Tell them this horse is honest,

ambitious, sober

and a small eater.

Well, uh...

Has he had his shots, sir?

If we did accept him,

he'd have to take malaria shots,

tetanus shots, tsetse shots and...

Hello?

Hello?

I wonder if the Peace Corps

sends horses to Miami.

That's all the colonel talks about.

How Ako saved his roses.

He thinks she's a Japanese Dr. Schweitzer.

Winnie, I still think

you're making too much of Ako.

Why, you couldn't be jealous of her.

Who, me?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Just because a girl takes an interest

in my husband's roses,

advises him, flatters him...

Of course I'm jealous.

I'm not worried about Wilbur.

I trust him completely.

I trust Wilbur.

I think I trust him.

For your back, Mr. Post.

Oh, oh, thank you, Ako.

A little to the left, would you, please?

There we go.

Oh, brother.

Well, thank you, Ako.

I could do with a pick-me-up.

He is sickening.

Another cookie, Mr. Post?

Why not? I live only once.

Peace Corps, here I come.

I'm packing for Pakistan.

You know,

you must be a great little cook.

I like to cook.

Oh, perhaps some evening

I make a real Japanese dinner

for you and Mrs. Post.

Oh, that would be lovely.

I get kind of tired of pot roast and steak.

I'd better go back to my typing.

Unless there is something else you wish?

No, no, Ako,

you've done about everything

except take off my shoes.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Oh, no, no, Ako,

there's no need for that.

Please, I'm very ticklish, I warn you.

We can't let Ako show us up.

We've got to fight fire with fire.

You're right.

I can imagine how you feel

with Ako spending her lunch hours

with Gordon in the garden.

Oh, I don't know.

I have a lot of faith in the colonel.

And my high-powered binoculars.

Wilbur is just dying to taste her cooking.

But I'm gonna beat her to it.

Are you really gonna feed him a Japanese meal?

I'll feed him,

I'll fan him, I'll tickle him, the works.

Number one geisha girl, not going to become number two.

And I think I know how to get that Japanese beetle

out of my husband's garden.

Didn't I see you in bitter rice?

I helped Master Husband

wash our honorable flowers.

Never mind that, Tokyo Rose.

I got enough...

No, no, no, no, they've had enough water today.

No, now, no...

Oh, no, no, you'll drown him.

I'm not gonna...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted you to know how I felt about Ako.

Well, don't cry, honey.

I didn't marry you

because you were a gardener.

I married you because you were

a helpless, gorgeous American female

with a wealthy father.

Thank you, darling.

That's the sweetest thing you ever said.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, sorry, lady.

Welcome to humble home, husband-san.

I think my wife-san flipped her wig-san.

Hey...

Hey, what's going on here?

Make husband comfortable. Take off shoe.

Carol, cut that out.

Darling, is you some kind of nut?

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Look, I just wanted to surprise you

with a real Japanese dinner.

Oh, I enjoyed the floor show.

Oh, thank you.

Well, what have we here?

Sally.

Oh.

If you're going to eat a Japanese dinner, we've got to dress for it.

There.

How does that feel?

I don't know.

I feel a little naked without a slip underneath.

Hey, what brought all this on?

Well, I heard you tell Eiko how much you'd enjoy a Japanese dinner.

Now, just because I make it...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Well, it makes me nervous to eat anything when it's staring back at me

Well, there's plenty of other food. Why don't you try your soup?

Where is that?

Under the geraniums

Oh, yeah

Nothing I like better than geranium soup

Not unless it's dandelion cutlet

You would have loved it if Aiko had made it

Now, Carol

And how do you know she kisses better than I do?

I didn't say that

You kiss better than she does

I mean, you both kiss the same

No

Never mind

Oh, Aiko

I have these contracts packed up, Mr. Post

And if you will sign them, I can mail them

Oh, thanks, Aiko

The oriental setting was Mrs. Post's idea

She surprised me with this Japanese dinner

Which he would gladly exchange for a hamburger

Oh, it looks delicious

Won't you join us?

Come on, sit down next to Madame Butterfly

No, thank you

I must get back to the university before the library closes

Well, how about tomorrow night?

I've got a feeling this food's gonna be around here for some time

Mr. Post

I am afraid I must resign my job

Why?

I know, I've been working you too hard

From now on, you'll come in an hour later in the morning

And you'll leave an hour earlier in the evening

And in between, you'll have two sukiyaki breaks

It is not the hours, Mr. Post

I am afraid I cannot give enough time to my schoolwork

I'm sorry you can't stay, Aiko

I was hoping you'd teach me how to cook a real Japanese dinner

Oh, it's very simple

Just find a store that sells Tanaka Yoshida TV dinners

Goodbye, Mr. Post

I enjoy working for you

Aiko, sayonara

And best of luck in your schoolwork

Thank you, and goodbye, Mrs. Post

Goodbye, Aiko

And do come by to see us whenever you can

Thank you

Sayonara

Sayonara

Oh, boy, I'm gonna miss her tickling

Oh, you are, are you?

Yeah, yeah

No, no, no, no, no

On the feet, on the feet

On the feet

Hello, Ed

Ed, are you in there?

You calls, are you?

Never mind that

What's with the dark glasses and the pith helmet?

I'm joining the Peace Corps

Oh, Ed, come on

Pakistan or bust?

Relax, Ed

Aiko resigned

Why, you'll be able to talk to me again all day long

Oh, really?

How about throwing a welcome home party for me?

Really, we're gonna join the Peace Corps, huh?

Oh, yeah

When I make up my mind

Sorry

You big phony

You weren't going anywhere

That's just a lot of old newspapers

Well, I called and found out

They're only taking camels for overseas service

Yes?

And you know me

I hate surgery

Oh, brother

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course

Unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed