04x17 - Ed the Desert Rat

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Morning, Ed.

The name's Dirty Ed.

Raw, stranger.

You wouldn't sh**t an unarmed man, would you?

Yeah.

When I count three, reach for your sh**ting iron, partner.

One.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

You didn't count to three.

That's why they call me Dirty Ed.

What's with this cowboy outfit?

You going to a barn dance?

Yeah, I've been reading these western comic books,

and I guess I got carried away.

Yeah.

Pecos Jack, Super Marshal, the Masked Gunfighter.

What a shot that Masked Gunfighter is.

Never misses, huh?

Always misses.

That's why he wears a mask.

He's too embarrassed to show his face.

Why are you so interested in these cowboy stories?

Because I'm a westerner myself.

I was born under the saddle.

I guess the old west must have been quite a place.

Yeah.

You know what we ought to do someday, Wilbur?

We ought to get out into the wide open spaces,

just you and me, and rough it.

The sky for our roof, and the ground for our bed.

We wouldn't even bother to shave.

Just let our beards grow.

You want to take off tomorrow?

Better not.

The paper says it might rain.

You big tenderfoot.

Two hours in the prairie, you'd be trying to hitchhike a ride home.

Not true, Wilbur.

I belong out into the wide open spaces.

Oh, give me a home

Where the buffalo roam

And the deer in the antelope play

Where seldom is heard

A discouraging word

Because what can a buffalo say?

That's because they're not as smart as us talking horses.

Don't get into roughing it, Ed.

You've been reading these western comic books too long.

Honey, we have company.

Hi, Jack.

Hi, Mimi.

Hi, Wilbur.

Hi.

We just happened to be in the neighborhood, so we thought we'd drop by.

We did not just happen to be in the neighborhood.

We just dropped in to brag about our new swimming pool.

Oh, you put in a pool?

Yeah, and today we're having it filled.

So tomorrow you've got to come over for a swim.

Wonderful.

We'll be there with bells on.

I'll stick to trunks.

Why don't you kids put in a pool?

Yeah, it's a great way to keep in shape.

Who needs it?

We only live a few miles from one of the biggest pools in the whole country.

What pool?

The Pacific Ocean.

Swim that thing once a day, you'll really be in shape.

Well, maybe he'll change his mind after he sees ours.

Oh, we have to run.

I don't want to miss that sale on rubber floats.

See you tomorrow, kids.

Bye, Jack. Bye, Mimi.

I'll walk you to the car.

I want to find out how you talked Jack into it.

Well, Ed, looks like I'm going to become the proud but poor owner of a swimming pool.

You know what'll happen if you put one in?

What?

I'm leaving home.

Leaving home?

Yep.

There'll be empty saddles in the old corral.

Ed, what have you got against swimming pools?

Well, the grass in our backyard is my little pasture.

If you get a pool, what am I going to nibble on?

Wet bathing suits?

I haven't made up my mind yet.

Carol wants the pool?

Yeah.

Then your mind is made up.

Nonsense.

Please, Wilbur, don't do it.

Think of your sweet little horsey.

One night I go walking in my sleep, and I wake up drowned.

Are you qualified to give a horse artificial respiration?

Sure.

All you have to do is pump the water out with his tail.

Wilbur, our yard is the only patch of prairie I've got.

A horse needs to be around green grass.

I understand.

And don't worry, I will not let Carol talk me into it.

Bless you, buddy boy.

That's why I love you.

You think like a dumb animal.

Thank you, Ed.

Carol, is lunch ready?

In a minute.

On the green...

Okay.

Green loveseat by the coffee table.

All right.

Dalzell pools.

Brower pools.

Lawrence pools.

Pools, pools, pools.

Dear Wilbur, I love to swim, and I look great in a bathing suit.

Guess who?

Can't be Ed, he doesn't want a pool.

Hey, now there's something worth looking at.

I like it.

Are you kidding? You know I'm crazy about peanut butter sandwiches.

How about a swimming pool?

No, thanks, dear, just a glass of milk.

Wilbur, why can't we have a swimming pool?

Mimi and Jack have one.

They don't have a horse.

What's that got to do with it?

Suppose one night Ed walks into sleep and falls into the pool.

He's not a very good swimmer, you know.

All right, we'll hire a horse as a lifeguard.

Now you're being silly.

Where are you ever going to find a horse that can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

I want a pool.

I know you do, Carol, but it is out of the question.

They're very expensive.

And there's the upkeep.

And you can only use them half the time anyway.

And, well, I'll have to take care of it every day.

And there's only one thing I've got to say to you, Carol.

Pick a pool, any pool at all.

Well, so you're turning my pasture into a cement bathtub.

I tried to talk her out of it.

I should have talked to her myself.

My dad always said, never send a man to do a horse's job.

Ed, when a man is married, he expects to lose an argument occasionally.

Occasionally?

Well, you lose more often than the Mets.

It's not as bad as you think.

I'll tell you what.

Twice a week, I'll take you to the park.

You can eat all the grass you want.

Never mind.

You know I hate to eat out.

Ed, that pool is going in.

Where are you going?

To take a last look at the yard before you pull my grass out from under me.

And exactly where were you thinking of having me put your pool, Mr. Post?

Well, I thought...

Oh!

Will you look at that now?

A four-leaf clover.

Sure, this is going to be my lucky day.

Well, after seeing your price list, I agree with you.

Oh, Mr. Post, look out!

Don't step on that twig.

It might belong to one of the... one of the wee people.

The who people?

Not the who people.

The wee people.

Leprechauns.

They use twigs and bits of straw to build their homes.

Callahan, don't tell me you're superstitious.

Certainly not.

I never do anything to anger a leprechaun, but that's just good common sense, man.

Yeah, yeah.

So he believes in leprechauns, eh?

I think I'm about to start the California chapter.

Well, anywhere in here.

Well, I'd better get on with me measuring.

Oh, one thing, Mr. Callahan.

Be sure you don't put the deep end too close to the barn.

You see, my horse sometimes walks in his sleep, and he's liable to fall in.

Doesn't the animal swim?

I'm not sure.

I know he's never taken lessons.

I mean, I've never seen him in the water, you know.

But he says... I mean, he seems to have a big fear of drowning.

I mean, you can't blame him.

After all, if you're wearing four iron shoes, it's hard to tread water.

Well, now, don't you worry, Mr. Post.

I'll put the shallow end right close to the barn.

And then if the beastie should happen to wander in his sleep,

he could walk down a couple of steps, splash a little until he's awake.

He'd like that.

Well, that'll be fine, Mr. Callahan.

If you want me for anything else, I'll be in the house.

In the house.

So, Ren, what is it you think you're doing, lad?

I'm measuring out to put the ship...

Who said that?

Me, Irving Leprechaun.

Irving Leprechaun?

President of the WPA.

The WPA?

The We People of America.

And get your big foot off my wife.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't even see that it looked like that.

And you didn't see the sign, either.

The one that says, keep off the grass.

Now, what sign?

Where is it?

Are you blind, man? Under the grass.

And that's where you'll be if you put a pool in here.

But this is my business.

I get paid for digging pools.

And this grass is my home.

You start digging it up and I'll turn you into a diving board.

No, you couldn't do that.

Oh, there's a high board at the city pool that said the same thing.

Is that the truth now?

That it is.

Begora, Faith and Bejabors and all that jazz.

Well, then, I'll... I'll be on my way.

And right now.

Watch out for my wife.

I'm sorry, man.

Very sorry, man.

Callahan, I forgot to mention...

Mr. Post, you're going to have to get someone else to dig your pool.

What's the matter?

You got a yard full of leprechauns.

And I wouldn't disturb the wee folk for all the money in the world.

Callahan, that is ridiculous.

Oh, it is, is it?

Well, you go talk to the high board at the city pool.

Goodbye, Mr. Post.

Goodbye, Irving.

Wilbur!

I thought we...

What's the matter? What happened?

He quit.

He said we got a yard full of leprechauns.

Leprechauns?

Yeah, the wee folk.

You know, they stand about so high

and they build their homes out of straw and twigs.

Something like a GI home.

What did you say to Mr. Callahan?

Nothing.

No, he's very superstitious.

He said we had leprechauns in the yard.

I don't know what he saw or what he heard.

But I got a pretty good idea.

I'm innocent, Wilbur.

You're hanging the wrong horn.

Huh?

All right, now, uh,

let's run through your alibi once more, shall we?

Duh.

Where were you when Mr. Callahan was measuring the yard?

Uh, just lounging around the stall,

reading my western comic books.

Huh.

Which one?

I'm not saying a word

till I get a lawyer from the SPCA.

I believe I am allowed one phone call.

Come on, Ed.

All right, you were, uh,

you were reading your comic books.

All of a sudden,

you claim you heard Mr. Callahan talking to a leprechaun.

That's right, Mr. Mason.

Uh, Wilbur.

Now, uh, what, uh,

what did this leprechaun look like?

Uh, he looked like any average leprechaun.

You know, about three inches high,

blue eyes, little beard.

Four legs.

White tail.

Oops!

It was you.

I was just trying to save my little green corner of the west.

A horse has to look at wide open spaces.

Wilbur, don't fence me in.

I'm sorry, Ed, but you've been naughty,

and I'm gonna have to punish you.

Punish me?

Now, I'll, uh,

I know.

I will take away your comic books for a week.

Oh, no, no, Wilbur.

Beat me.

Take away my food, my water, my TV set.

But don't take away my comic books.

Ed, you have got to be punished.

And I hope you have learned your lesson.

Yeah, yeah, I have.

From now on, I hide my comic books.

Take away my comic books, Willie.

There's enough here to start a public library.

Ah, I forgot my reading glasses.

Uh, what book you got there, kid?

Supermarshal.

Supermarshal?

Good.

Would you mind reading it to me?

I forgot my glasses.

Okay.

Supermarshal reached for his g*n.

Draw, Black Dan, he said.

Black Dan's fast, awful fast.

You talk?

Yes.

Keep reading.

Supermarshal's faster.

I know, but he's a bleeder.

The g*n in Supermarshal's hand spoke three times.

What did it say? What did it say?

Bang, bang, bang.

That's the kind of talk I like to hear.

I told you Supermarshal was faster than Black Dan.

Why, Stevie, what is this horse doing here?

I was reading to him.

Reading to him?

Yeah, he told me he forgot his glasses.

What an imagination.

Come on with Mother now.

Bring your glasses tomorrow, horse, and you can read to me.

First, Wilbur takes away my backyard and then my comic books.

Well, there's only one home for me now.

The wide open spaces.

Giddyap, Ed.

Come on, Carol.

We were due at Mimi and Jack's an hour ago.

I'm ready.

Now, remember, honey, you promised you'd ask Jack the name of that pool contractor.

I will.

And stop worrying about Ed falling in the pool.

I've got that problem licked.

I'm gonna put swim fins on him before he goes to sleep.

Swim fins?

Yeah.

Then if he should fall in the pool, why, he can dog paddle to the side

and hang on till a tow truck arrives.

Talk.

You ever try to pull a wet horse out of a pool?

What a time for company.

Oh, hi, Jack. Mimi, we were just leaving.

You stay right here, Wilbur.

What's wrong?

Our place is a madhouse.

All morning, the neighbors have been dropping in,

and they just happened to be wearing their bathing suits.

Not only that, they brought all their kids along.

Who just happened to be wearing their bathing suits, too.

They brought along all their little friends who were wearing their bathing suits,

a 20-by-40-foot pool, and a 60-by-80-foot crowd.

You ought to have some new towels made up.

His, hers, and theirs.

But you kids do love your pool.

Love it?

We haven't even been in it.

We've been too busy making sandwiches, serving towels, and calling the rescue squad.

This way, Jack. You haven't lost a pool, you've gained a YMCA.

You know what I feel like doing?

Filling my pool with cement while the people are still in it.

Take my advice, Carol. Forget the pool.

Well, if Wilbur won't be too unhappy about it.

No, no, dear.

And if the weather gets too hot, we can always join the mad throng at their place.

Ed, I've got some news that's gonna make you happy.

We're not...

Dear Wilbur.

Hope you're happy with your new pool.

Me, I'm a horse.

I gotta be near green grass.

So I'll be out on the prairie, living with my kind.

Don't try to find me.

I'm taking Route 78 to Bakersfield,

then the new Hall Cut-Off,

then straight out Highway 66.

Where the grass grows tall and the wind blows free.

Crazy horse.

He's not heading for the green grass, he's heading for Death Valley.

I'm gonna call a helicopter service.

This...

This is the hottest prairie I've ever seen.

I wish I could get into the shade.

But the only shade is under me.

No.

Dead horse gulch.

If I owed somebody a hot day,

I'd pay him off with this one.

Look at those swallows.

Must have lost their way to Capistrano.

Swallows or vultures.

Oh, can't be vultures.

They only circle around dead.

Uh-oh.

Shoo! Beat it!

Nobody here but us live horses.

Oh, what am I doing here in this heat?

I should be home.

Splashing around in my little swimming pool.

Coyotes.

It sounds like I'm outnumbered.

If you can't beat them, join them.

Whoo!

I'm one of you!

Whoo!

I'm a coyote, too!

Whoo!

Shut up!

There'll be no free lunches on that.

I'd better keep moving.

Show them I'm alive.

That got rid of them.

Or did they go home to bring back ketchup?

Wood.

I'll start a fire to keep away the coyotes.

But how?

Those Boy Scouts are never around when you need them.

Why did I leave my cozy little swimming pool

in that little stall?

Hey, look at the size of that vulture.

He's got two men in him, and he's still hungry.

Oh, woe is me.

I gotta get out of here.

Come here!

It's Wilbur.

Oh, thank heaven I found you.

Wilbur, am I glad to see you.

Take it easy now, boy.

Keep my comic books.

Put it in your pool.

Just...

take me home.

I thought you liked it here.

Here in the wide open spaces.

Maybe this is the home where the buffalo roam.

But it's sure no place for horses.

Come on in. Let's go home.

Oh, Wilbur.

My feet are k*lling me.

That feels good, Wilbur.

How about rubbing my back?

Okay.

Harder. Harder.

You know what would feel good after my massage?

What?

A nice swim.

Why don't you let me have a pool, Wilbur?

I never saw a horse change his mind faster than you.

You were real scared out there in the desert, weren't you?

Who, me? I was only kidding.

It takes a lot to scare this horse.

Help!

Help!

Coyotes! Help!

Wilbur!

Oh, it's you.

Oh, Wilbur.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. A.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. A will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. A.

This has been a Filmways presentation.