04x21 - Mae West Meets Mister Ed

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

Good morning, Ed. You have a good night's sleep?

Nope. By the time my late, late, late, late show ended last night, it was pretty late.

Oh, no, Ed, look at your stall. What a mess.

It looks okay to me. You should have seen the place before I cleaned it up.

You know, Ed, you're getting untidier and lazier every day.

Is this what your mother taught you?

Nope. Pop was the sloppy one.

Well, start cleaning this place up, huh?

But I like it this way. It has a lived-in look.

Yeah, like 30 pigs lived in it. Come on, pick up your things.

Yeah, a fine way to treat your horse after he closes a big business deal for you.

What big business deal? Who phoned?

Mae West, that's who.

Mae, you mean the Mae West?

She's coming here at seven tonight.

Wow, did she say what she had in mind?

She wants you to design a stable for horses.

Wow, wait till I tell this to Carol.

She always yells at me. I may run away and never come back.

But first, I'll take a little nap to build up my strength.

Yeah, good night, Ed.

Look at this. They're having a sale at Mayfair's.

A sale? On what?

Well, it doesn't say, but we better hurry downtown before they're all gone.

Hey, girls, guess who I'm going to work for.

Who?

Mae West.

Mae West? Oh, how wonderful.

She'll be here at seven o'clock.

Oh, how exciting. Carol, shall I wear my blue knit or that white jersey I bought last week?

Wear the white jersey because I'll be wearing my blue sheet.

Oh, but I don't have any shoes to go with that outfit.

Why don't you wear your green silk and then I can wear my blue knit?

Look, Miss West is coming by here for a business meeting, not to have a fashion show.

Wilbur, you mean you're not going to let us meet Mae West?

Mae West? What's this about Mae West?

She's coming by to see Wilbur on business tonight.

Wilbur, it won't do any harm to let us talk to her for a while.

There's so much I'd love to ask her.

Look, Mae West is coming for a business meeting. She just has a few minutes.

Wilbur's absolutely right. Miss West is not coming here to make a social call.

She's coming here to discuss business with Wilbur and me.

You?

Yes. During the w*r, Miss West came overseas and entertained the men in my command.

I never got a chance to thank her personally and frankly, it's been on my conscience.

Poor Gordon, suffering silently all these years.

Wilbur, if Gordon talks to her, we can talk to her.

Who says Gordon's going to talk to her?

As your former commanding officer, I do.

Any further questions, Lieutenant?

Just one, sir. Does anybody mind if I talk to her?

It's five to seven. Miss West will be here any minute.

Gee, that was rawhide. A friend of mine was playing the lead wh*re.

Yeah, well, you can see it next summer on the repeat.

Have you got your stall cleaned up yet?

Well, I started to, but I had a lot of interruptions.

What interruptions?

Twelve television shows.

Look at that, Ed. That's worse than it was this morning.

Ed, there is no excuse for this. Carol could have had the whole house cleaned up by this time.

Sure, but she's got rugs. I've got nothing to sweep things under.

Just because you live in a barn, there's no reason for it to look like a stable.

That's her.

Look, by the time I get back here with Miss West, I want that stall so clean you could eat off the floor.

Hey, what's the matter with him? I'm eating off of the floor right now.

Be back in ten minutes, boys.

Believe it or not, I've got to see a man about a barn.

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS

Oh, Miss West. I'm Mrs. Post.

Oh, my calling card.

The Queen of Hearts.

Thank you so much.

Would you come in?

Oh, Miss West, this certainly is a pleasure. I'm Wilbur Post. I see you've met my wife.

Yes. Won't you sit down?

Honey, you don't dare sit down in this gown. It's standing room only.

Miss West, I know you only have a few minutes, so why don't you step out in my office. This way, please.

Oh, Carol, I wanted to return this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.

Miss West, I'd like you to meet our neighbor, Mrs. Kirkwood.

Oh, it's a pleasure, Miss West.

My, you look stunning.

How do you manage to keep so young and glamorous?

Positive thinking and no drinking.

Oh, we've all heard so much about you, Miss West.

Yes, I know, but you can't prove it.

Well, I know you're in a hurry, Miss West, so won't you step out to my office, please?

Wilbur, I'm on my way to...

Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Not at all. What kept you?

Oh, Miss West, I'd like you to meet Colonel Kirkwood.

He has a speech prepared for you.

Oh, it's not really a speech.

It's just that I want to thank Miss West for entertaining my troops.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you, Colonel.

You haven't changed a bit.

My, but you look distinguished.

I've always admired men in uniform.

You have?

Oh, I even choke up when I see a good humor man.

Miss West, I know you're in a hurry, so if you'll just step out to my office.

Before you go, Miss West, just one question.

If you won't consider it too embarrassing.

Well, I don't mind embarrassing questions if you don't mind embarrassing answers.

Do you have any beauty secrets you might let us in on?

Oh, like I'm going to tell the ladies at the PTA.

You've got to be feminine.

Dress like a woman, look like a woman, act like a woman, and feel like a woman.

That separates the men from the girls.

Oh, I'm in a hurry, Miss West, so just step out to my barn.

To the barn?

That's where my office is.

Oh, glad you told me.

Now, Miss West, just how much remodeling do you want done on this table?

Quite a lot.

You see, I bought these horses in Paris, and I'd like the barn designed in French Provincial.

French Provincial.

Keep the horses from getting homesick.

Yes, yes.

Do you have any other ideas for the interior?

Oh, I'd like a French decor, plus air conditioning, unit heat, acoustical ceilings, mural wallpaper, and a rollaway feed box.

A rollaway feed box?

With a built-in moisturizer to keep the hay fresh and crisp.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Nothing like starting off the day with a mouthful of dry hay.

Really.

Then I want louver windows, stereophonic music, overhead sun lamps, and a tuck-away tack room.

A tuck-away tack room?

When not in use, it will swing into the wall and keep the saddles and bridles out of sight.

I see.

Make them forget they're beasts of burden.

Exactly.

As I was telling your associate...

Associate?

The one with the deep, masculine voice.

Oh.

I'd like to meet him sometime.

Sounds like a man about town.

Yeah, well, you could say he knows his oats.

You mean he likes to horse around.

Yes, yes.

Miss West, don't you think your stable might be a little too ostentatious?

Oh, no.

Horses are among my favorite creatures.

Oh, mine too.

I never go riding without one.

Well, I don't ride these horses.

You don't?

What do you do with them?

I race them and lavish them in the lap of luxury.

Lavish them in the lap of luxury, huh?

How sweet.

If horses ever get the vote, she'll be our first lady president.

Well, that was a delicious breakfast.

I'd better get started on Mae West's plans.

Oh, I sure got a kick out of meeting her last night.

She certainly is glamorous looking.

And the way she dresses.

Now, that's my idea of a real woman.

What am I?

Huckleberry Finn?

Right now, you look like the inside of a TV set.

Oh, I do?

Watch it, Gordon.

I think your set's about to blow a tube.

Well, you have to give Miss West a lot of credit.

She certainly keeps herself trim and youthful.

Oh, she sure does.

Boy, a lot of girls just get married and let themselves go.

Oh?

You think I'm letting myself go?

No, no.

No, I think you look great.

For a girl who doesn't exercise or watch her diet.

Well, I don't have to exercise or diet.

There's nothing wrong with my figure.

No, of course there isn't.

Not right now.

But, I mean, in a few years, if you don't watch it,

you'll wind up looking like your mother.

Not that there's anything wrong with your mother.

I mean, you know, she likes to eat and she's pleasingly...

But on her, it looks good.

I mean, a lot of women can't wear fat.

Oh, boy.

So, I look like the inside of a TV set.

Well done.

I'm sorry I can't walk around looking like Mae West all day.

Well, I'll bet she wouldn't walk around wearing one of those Mao Mao's.

This is a moo moo.

It's a good name for it.

Makes women look like cows.

Oh, so now I'm a cow.

Oh, no, I'm the cow.

You're the television set.

Huh, what's that?

Oh, the phone.

Okay, okay, keep your saddle on.

Hello.

Hello, is this Mr. Post speaking?

No, I'm his associate.

Who is this, please?

This is Miss Mae West speaking.

Well, I saw one of your movies on TV last night.

Gee, golly, oh boy, wow!

That was my movie, all right.

When do you think Mr. Post can start designing my stables?

Well, when would you want him to start?

Immediately. Tell him I'm a lady who's not used to waiting.

Well, he's got a lot of work, but I guess he can squeeze you in.

Oh, sounds delightful.

You have an interesting voice.

Are you married?

No, but I'm not your type.

Honey, they haven't invented the man that isn't my type.

Yeah, well, I'm not exactly a man.

What are you, a monkey?

No, but you're in the right category.

Well, tell Mr. Post I'd like to see the plans as soon as possible.

Well, goodbye, Miss West.

Goodbye, whatever you are.

Not a man, not a monkey.

Must be a cool cat.

Mae West.

Maybe she can come up and shoo me sometime.

Terrible.

I'm sorry, Ed, no more TV. I've got work to do.

Aw, gee, why can't you work during the commercials?

Never mind that.

Ed, you still haven't cleaned that stall up.

Well, I began cleaning up, but I ran into a problem.

What's that?

I can't hear the TV set when I'm running the vacuum cleaner.

Why don't you use a broom?

I started to, but it looked so delicious, I ate it.

I've had enough of your sloppiness.

Now, listen to me.

Don't you turn away when I'm talking to you.

Sorry, Wilbur, I was just going to...

Never mind that.

Now, there'll be no more television for you until you learn to keep your stall clean.

Oh, don't take away my TV set.

That's cruelly to animals.

Ed, you brought it on yourself.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

The sooner you learn to keep your stall clean,

the sooner you'll get your set back.

Well, Mae West doesn't make her horses clean their stalls.

I bet they have maid service.

Ed, you better get started.

Mae West treats her horses right.

She gives them love and affection.

And what do you give me?

A dirty old stall to live in.

Her horses have air conditioning,

mural walls, roll-away feed boxes.

I have to eat out of a feed bag, like a horse.

Ed, I don't want to hear any more out of you.

I wish I were Mae West's horse.

She knows how to treat us lovable pets.

There's the phone. Call her up.

Maybe she'd like to have a sloppy palomino for a lovable pet.

You make a fine lap horse.

That dirt will travel.

If he won't get off my back,

I'm taking my back out of here.

Oh!

Oh, Miss West.

Oh, Miss West.

Miss West, look.

Oh, what's this horse doing here?

I don't know.

It says here,

Dear Miss West,

I'm leaving my little horsey on your doorstep.

You can give him the care I cannot afford.

Please give my baby a good home and the love he needs.

Bless you, a desperate mother.

Oh, poor little fellow.

Watson, get the guests all ready.

We've got an orphan in the family.

Honey?

I'm home.



Hi, honey.

Hi. What are you doing?

Exercising.

It's a wonderful way to lose weight.

As well, but how about dinner?

We're not having any dinner.

That's another wonderful way to lose weight.

Oh, Carol, just because Mae West can't...

Excuse me, honey, I've got to do my deep knee bends.

Wonderful for the stomach.

So is food. How about getting some...

Look, Carol, this is just being absolutely...

This is being ridiculous, Carol.

Now, look, you're letting this whole Mae West thing upset you.

You never see Winnie acting silly like this.

Peel me a grape, Colonel.

Don't you stand up when a lady comes into the room.

As we were driving to the wedding chapel,

my mother kept telling me,

son, this is not a normal girl.

I thought you liked your women glamorous and exciting.

Winnie, I like you the way you are.

Whatever that is.

Now, please, dear, sit down.

It ripped.

So what? It's only a dress.

It cost over $100.

Over $100?

Oh, Winnie!

Yes, that's right, Sergeant.

My horse is missing.

No, I've no idea where he might be.

Yes, he's run away before,

and every time he finds himself up to his neck in trouble.

Scrub him down good, boys.

I don't want him to smell like a horse.

Make him look sleek and chic.

I don't think he likes his bubble bath.

He's been bathing us more than we've been bathing him.

He's just a playful baby.

Aren't you tall, blonde, and bushy-tailed?

Brush him a little harder, boys.

I want his coat to look like a full-length mink.

Read his tail nice and tight.

I hate a horse with a sloppy hairdo.

I always say,

promise a horse anything,

but give him perfume.

Uh-oh. He sneezed.

Oh, dear.

Give him a tissue.

Think he's catching cold, Miss West?

Feel his pulse and take his temperature.

His pulse? Where can I find his pulse?

In his wrist, of course.

Never mind.

Give him all the vitamin shots from A to Z.

Gee, this horse seems pretty nervous, Miss West.

Think this needle might scare him?

Oh, no. A couple of shots in the hip won't hurt him.

After all, horses sleep standing up.

PHONE RINGS

Yes.

Yes, Sergeant.

I know I called five minutes ago,

but I thought you might have heard some news.

You what?

Never mind, Sergeant. I think he's back.

And he better have a good excuse.

Oh, never mind. Never mind.

Come in, Ed. Come in.

Well, the prodigal horse has returned, huh?

Wow.

Perfume.

Powder, yeah.

Eau de Cologne.

Know where I was, Wilbur?

Lady Tosca's Beauty Ranch?

Oh, no.

I was at Mae West's house.

Well, certainly nice of you to drop by and visit me, Ed.

And you look charming.

It's kind of late now.

Don't you think you should hurry back before she misses you?

No.

Please don't send me back there, Wilbur.

Why not, Ed?

I thought you liked to be lavished with love and affection.

Well, not when she dresses me like this.

My name is Ed, not Edwina.

Looks like you got the full treatment.

Yeah, I did.

I got a bubble bath, a mud pack, a facial, a manicure.

I got everything but a negligee.

And now you want me to take you back?

I'm begging you.

On all four bended knees.

I'm your little horsey, and my place is here with you.

Now, okay, Ed, I'll take you back on one condition.

I know, I know, Master.

Keep scrubbing, Wilbur.

I can still smell the perfume.

You weren't too happy at Mae West's house, huh?

Oh, she's a fabulous lady, Wilbur.

And she treats her horses very nice, but...

But?

All those vitamin shots every day.

I'm a horse, not a pincushion.

Excuse me, Ed.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Miss West.

Yes, I've sketched out some ideas.

I'd like to bring them by this afternoon.

I know what a busy man you must be, Mr. Post.

Why not let your associate drop them by?

My associate?

The one with the deep, interesting voice.

I'd like to speak to him a moment.

Yes, yes, just a minute.

Ed, Miss West wants to speak to you.

Oh?

Hello.

Could you bring the plans to my house?

Well, gee, I'd like to come up to see you sometime, Miss West.

But I have a previous appointment.

Can't you break it?

Who is the appointment with?

Uh, with the U.S. Army.

I've just been drafted.

Oh, they just can't do this to me.

I guess I'll have to start my own draft board.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety-yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.