04x22 - Ed the Chauffeur

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

A horse's work is never done.

Well, looks like it needs a little dusting around here.

If I could grow a dustpan, I'd be able to do just that.

I'd have a complete set.

That's a nice job, Ed. I'm proud of you.

I've got the only 900-pound janitor in the country.

What's new around the house, Wilbur?

Oh, nothing much.

Oh, yeah, Gordon Kirkwood just went down to pick up his new car.

Cars, the push-button age.

You humans are getting soft and flabby.

Oh, yeah? Some horses I know are just as lazy as humans.

You never saw a horse riding in a taxi?

Ah, who can win an argument with an animal?

Animals are stronger than people because we exercise a lot.

Remember, when we go riding, I'm the one on the bottom.

Yeah, look, I do admit it. Horses do have a lot of stamina.

In all the years I've known you, I've never once seen you sit down.

And you've never seen me sleep on a soft mattress either.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you, Ed, how do horses sleep standing up?

We do?

Didn't you know?

How could I? When I'm asleep, my eyes are closed.

You big clump.

No kidding, Wilbur. Do I really stand on my legs all night?

It's a wonder to me how you don't get flat feet.

Hmm.

Must be Gordon Kirkwood with his new car.

Excuse me, Ed, I'll be right back.

Oh, okay.

I sleep standing up, huh?

Oh, my aching feet.

Oh.

Oh, Gordon, it's just beautiful.

The best of luck.

Thank you, Carol.

I can hardly wait to drive it.

Colonel, the key.

Winnie, I don't think you'd better drive it until it's broken in.

After the first year or two.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

This car belongs to both of us.

It's community property.

That's what I mean. I don't want my property scattered all over the community.

Oh, Gordon, you don't really have to worry.

Winnie knows how to handle a car.

Please. Winnie's the only driver in the country that signals with her right hand.

Hi, kids.

Oh, that's a little beauty, huh?

Congratulations, Gordon.

Thank you.

Winnie, I bet you can't wait to get behind the wheel and just zoom off, huh?

Did you have to say that?

Say what?

What did I say?

I said it's a little beauty.

Congratulations, Gordon.

Winnie, I bet you can hardly wait.

Troublemaker.

Thanks, Winnie.

John, the British are coming.

Oh, what a dream.

That Paul Revere weighed a ton.

Good morning, Ed. How about a little ride in the park?

Uh, how about a little snooze in the barn?

Come on, fella, it's a beautiful day.

I'll put your saddle on you. We'll take a nice brisk ride down the bridle.

I've got a better idea.

What?

Rent a bicycle.

Hey, I'll get a two-seater. What do you want, the front seat or the back?

I'm staying right here, Wilbur. I'm pooped.

Pooped from what?

You had to tell me horses sleep standing up.

So?

So, I was awake all night, watching my feet.

Good. I don't understand. You've always slept on your feet.

Yeah, but I didn't know it.

Now that I know it, oh, my touchies hurt.

Well, you take a little nap, and I'll tell Carol we'll go riding after lunch.

Uh, if my feet feel better.

Oh, Carol, I won't go riding till after lunch.

Okay. Oh, honey, I just got back from the Kirkwoods,

and Winnie is just miserable that Gordon won't let her drive the new car.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, I promised Winnie that you'd talk Gordon into letting her drive.

Will you see what you can do?

Okay, I'll have a go at the colonel.

If I'm not back by tomorrow, look for me in the guardhouse, huh?

Thanks, Winnie. He's out here.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, how's the little baby?

You know, I still can't believe she's mine.

Well, the first of the month, the finance company will remind you.

It's worth every penny. She's got every new gadget.

She's going to give me years of pleasure.

What about Winnie?

Well, there's still a few years left in her, too.

Gordon, why don't you let Winnie drive the car?

Why? Because I'm trying to preserve our marriage. It's that simple.

Gee, I didn't know you were having trouble with your marriage.

We're not, but we will the minute Winnie steps in this car.

You know, Gordon, when I served under you in the Air Force,

do you know the quality I most respected in you?

No, what was it?

Your fairness.

No, no kidding.

It didn't matter to you whether a man was a buck private or a commissioned officer.

You were just as miserable.

Fair, fair, fair.

Gordon, all those years when you were struggling through the ranks,

asking nothing out of life...

Oh, shut up.

Yes, sir.

Winnie, I've been reconsidering the entire matter.

You know about the automobile?

Perhaps I have been a little unfair.

Colonel, you're letting me drive it?

Yes.

Oh, you great, big, wonderful man.

The key, the key. Where's the key? Give me, give me.

The key? Oh, yes, the key.

Well, come on, darling. I can't wait. Can't you find it?

I must have lost it.

Well, I'll send it to Detroit. It'll take a few days.

Well, now, Winnie, it's not there. No, now...

I've got it.

Colonel, will you take the key off the chain, or do I have to get a blowtorch?

Very well.

But now, you've got to promise no passing red lights,

no U-turns in the middle of the street,

and no cutting in front of trucks.

Yes, yes.

And stay out of tunnels, and no short cuts through alleys,

and stay off of highways and freeways and driveways.

No, no. I'll just drive up and down our block.

And stay out of parking lots.

That's where you smashed up the last time, remember?

Well, it was that man's fault.

He could see me putting on my lipstick as I was backing up.

Winnie, did you say you were putting on your lipstick as you were backing up?

Well, I, I signaled.

Just what is the hand signal for backing up?

Wilbur's out of his mind, but I'm not.

My car, my beautiful car.

Ooh.

Ow.

Ooh, ow.

Ooh, ow.

Ooh, ow.

Hey, get, get this off.

Oh.

Last post.

Who gave you permission to touch this automobile?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Colonel, sir.

I, I, I didn't touch anything.

Well, what happened was I, I thought your headlights weren't seen.

I, I just pulled the switch and, and I turned on your window washers.

And incidentally, they're squirting a little bit off center, you see.

I think you better get that fixed right away.

It's been nice talking to you, Gordon.

There's a scratch on my car.

There is?

Oh, yeah, sure.

There certainly is.

Yeah, well, that's probably caused by some little boy with a stick

or a little dog with a sharp paw.

Or a neighbor with a loose screw.

And you'll notice that, ironically,

it is exactly the shape and size of your belt buckle.

Yeah?

Well, by George, it is, yeah.

Well, I'm sure glad we cleared that kid and the little dog.

Oh, Gordon, after all, we're Army buddies.

We shouldn't be fighting over a little scratch.

How much is it?

Five, 10, 15 dollars?

Oh, like you say.

After all, we are old Army buddies.

We shouldn't fight.

Thanks, Gordon.

We'll let our lawyers fight.







Oh, oh.



Oh, no.

You still taking the same nap?

What nap?

This is still last night's sleep.

Which I lost on account of you.

Boy, this isn't my day.

First, my neighbor blames me for putting a scratch on his car.

Then my horse blames me because he can't sleep.

You never should have told me horses sleep standing up.

It gave me a mental block.

I've had enough trouble today, huh?

Let's go for a little ride, shall we?

Oh.

My feet are k*lling me.

Do you think I ought to get arch supports?

I've had enough of this.

You're a horse.

Horses sleep standing up.

Why, Wilbur? Why?

Why? Because...

Look, tomorrow we are going riding rain or shine.

Oh.

And we're not going riding in a car.

Hey, why not?

Why can't I ride in a car?

My own private car.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi. Hey, you've been shopping early, huh?

Uh-huh. On my way home, I stopped in to see Winnie.

Is she still trying to persuade Gordon to let her drive the car?

Yes.

Do you know what he called her?

What?

A woman driver.

Well, that's a terrible thing to say.

It certainly is.

Why, I think women can drive just as well as men.

Don't you agree, Wilbur?

Yeah, yeah.

Women add a dash of excitement to driving.

The element of chance.

Like Russian roulette.

You men are all alike.

Well, that takes the gamble out of marriage.

Oh, honey, wait a minute. I forgot.

Gordon asked me to give you this.

Hmm. Probably an apology.

You know, he's trying to sue me for that little scratch in his car.

But after thinking it over, why, I'm sure it's $79.50.

Seventy...

Gee, honey, that seems an awful lot for a little scratch.

What'd he cover it with, mink?

I'm gonna straighten him out.

Oh, honey, please don't lose your temper.

Gordon is in an awful mood.

He might bite your head off.

He doesn't scare me.

Well, I'm going...

Into my office, and I'm gonna write him a nasty letter.

Go get him, tiger.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Think I'll get the convertible.

Yeah, ride with the top down

and blow my horn at all the little fillies.

$79.50 for a tiny little scratch.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tell that Iron Major a thing or two.

Wilbur, if you were going to buy me a car,

what kind would you get me?

A cattle car.

Can you see me driving a station wagon?

Huh?

Can you see me driving a station wagon?

No, but I can see you pulling an ice wagon.

What is all this about a car, Ed?

I gotta have one, Wilbur.

My feet are so tired.

Ed, this is the most ridiculous thing you ever came up with.

A horse could never learn to drive a car.

If I prove I can drive a car, will you buy me one?

Oh, of course, of course.

And if you ever get tired of it, I'll buy you a motorcycle.

I'm gonna finish this in the house.

You are too much today.

Temper.

Temper, temper.

He said I could have a car if I could drive one,

and he always keeps his word.

Hello, Abercrombie Car Rental.

Yes, sir.

Would you like to put me in the driver's seat?

I'm gonna drive that car if it's the last thing I do.

If you could only get a hold of that key.

It's impossible. He's got it on a 12-foot leash.

I think he walks it every night.

Why don't you act cool for a while?

You know, refuse to kiss him.

I couldn't do that.

How about a nice, juicy crying routine?

You know, hit him with both faucets.

Oh, no.

Carol, you've got it.

Oh, you're gonna cry, huh?

No, he's gonna cry.

Every time I threaten to visit my mother, he goes to pieces.

Aw, he must really love you.

Yes.

I hate to do this to the Colonel, but w*r is w*r.

My first solo.

Now I know how Lindbergh felt.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, nice.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

If you change your mind, I'll be at Mother's.

But, sweetheart, you just don't throw away



traveling down life's highway side by side.

With me walking and you driving.

All right.

If it means so much to you,

you may drive the car.

I may?

To the corner and back.

Unpack your duffel bag. You win.

But just be careful.

Remember, it's all I've got.

You're all I've got.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Now, don't worry.

I'll stay off crowded streets.

I'll only drive on freeways.

And away we go.

Hey, watch where you're going.

Boy, this beats horseback riding.

Look out there.

Phew.

Oh, my aching back.

Yippee!

Oh, Ed, you crazy fool.

Look, Ma, no hands.

One-way street?

Well, that's okay. I'm only going one way.

Hey.

Say, uh, could you tell me how to get to the...

You'll have to take the wheel, Hilda.

I'm not well.

Whoo!

Whoo! This is fun!

Whoo!

Uh-oh. I'm running out of gas.

Okay, buddy, uh...

Whoo!

Where can she be? She's been gone over three hours now.

Now, Gordon, stop getting hysterical.

Winnie is a good driver.

Why, she passed her test in only the...

the fourth try, remember?

Oh, that must be her. She's back.

Darling, I...

Trying to make up, huh?

What do you want, Post?

About that $79.50 you want for the scratch on your car, Colonel,

here is what I think I owe you.

There's nothing in it.

Exactly.

Post, you are a loony bird.

Honey, this is no time to discuss business.

Gordon is very upset about Winnie.

What happened?

She's been gone for hours with the car,

and he's worried something's happened to her.

Oh, Gordon, you don't have to worry.

Nothing could happen to Winnie.

Sure, she's smashed up a few cars before this,

but she's never been hurt, right?

I should never have given her the key.

The key, yes.

The car, no.

Well, I'm back.

Oh, Winnie, thank heavens you're safe.

And the car, how about the car?

Uh, how much do you love me, dear?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

See, now you can hardly see my scratch.

Once a woman driver, always a woman driver.

What happened?

Colonel, I know you won't believe this,

but on the corner of Santa Monica and Western,

I saw a horse driving a car.

You saw a horse drive...

Let me smell your breath.

A horse driving...

Excuse me.

Use the brush, Wover.

I got it coming.

Ed, a horse driving a car through traffic downtown

in the thick of the hole, people coming...

You could have been hurt, Ed.

That's all right, Wolver.

I have hospitalization.

I'll get you.

Hey, watch where you're going.

Stay in your own lane.

Walk your horse, Wolver.

Oh, hi, Wolver.

Gee, what a dream.

You had your fill of driving, huh?

Uh, yeah.

That's for people.

Horses should have more brain.

I see you're sleeping standing up now, huh?

I guess the shock cured me.

It's the only way to sleep, Wolver.

You ought to try it.

Oh, come on.

I mean it. It's very healthy.

The blood rushes to your feet where it belongs.

No kidding.

Come on, try it.

All right.

Excuse me.

Good night, Ed.

Good night, Wolver.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People use the word Mr. Ed

Yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.