04x24 - The Prowler

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Let's go back.

Yeah, do it right now.

So get behind me, Lois.

Dan, I'm afraid.

Lois, somewhere in these tombs, there's a fortune in gold.

Don't tell me that that silly story about some monster guardian

has you frightened.

It has me frightened.

Dan, what's this? It looks like a door.

Yes, this must be the secret entrance to the treasure room.

Or the monster room. Don't open it, Dan.

Don't open it, Dan.

Yeah, listen to us, Dan.

You can't turn back now, so get behind me, Lois.

And I'll get behind Lois.

Behind this door is a room that's filled with gold.

There, now it's open.

Let me have your lantern so that I can see what's in here.

No, Dan, stay out.

It's the monster.

Run! Run for your life!

Will you keep this, Sidney?

Ed, are you in there? Ed?

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Oh, I just saw a spooky movie on Goose Pimple Theater.

Brrr, what a chiller.

You and your horror pictures.

What was this one called?

Teenage Bride of the Mexican Mummy Monster Creature

from Outer Space.

A love story, huh?

Oh, they shouldn't show pictures like that to kids.

And horses.

Nobody's telling you to watch it, Ed.

Wilbur, are you in there?

Uh, yes, Gordon, coming.

Wilbur, if you've got a large screwdriver I can borrow,

I've got to put another lock on the kitchen door.

Sure thing. Why the extra lock?

Winnie has a foolish notion

there are prowlers in the neighborhood.

What makes her think that?

Yesterday, she claims a package of hamburger

disappeared from the refrigerator

and today, two pounds of liver.

Now, what sort of thief would steal only meat?

Maybe a burglar on a high-protein diet?

Now, Winnie, please stop worrying.

The police will get it back.

The police.

Now, Winnie, stop worrying

about a couple of pounds of meat.

One of the first things you must learn, Winnie,

is always stay calm.

Colonel, my mink stole is gone.

Your mink stole?

Call the police.

Call a private investigator.

Call the FBI.

Call...

Are you sure?

Yes, I left it in the den

and went over to Carol's

to see if she could help me mend the lining.

And when we got back to your house, it was gone.

Well, the police won't have much trouble

picking that thief up.

Just tell them to check their files

for a burglar who eats hamburger, liver

and wears a mink stole.

There aren't many of them around.

Thanks for breaking the case, Charlie Chan.

Come on, dear, we'll call the police.

That burglar's liable to ruin my beautiful mink.

Why couldn't you have stolen the moth ba*ls, too?

Come on, Winnie.

The police will get it back to you.

Looks like we do have a prowler in the neighborhood, huh?

Maybe I ought to put some extra locks on these doors.

And a 24-hour guard around your horse.

What are you worried about?

Why would a thief want to steal you?

Before a fast getaway.

That'll be the biggest mistake he ever made.

Besides, you'd lead him straight to the police department,

right, fella?

Wrong, fella.

When someone points a g*n at this horse,

he turns into a four-legged chicken.

I, uh...

I think I'll go over to Gordon's,

see if the prowler left any clues.

Whoa, boy.

What's the matter?

I'm not sleeping out here tonight.

I didn't expect you to sleep in my bedroom.

Yep, right between you and Carol.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I will look for your man in a half hour.

Goodbye.

The police department is sending over a detective

to make an official report.

Oh, Gordon, the mink stole wasn't insured, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, I renewed the policy last week.

Lucky thing I remembered to give you that check to mail.

Don't tell me.

Winnie, I gave you that check to mail.

What'd you do with it?

I left it in the pocket of my stole.

You forgot to mail it?

Well, if that burglar has any decency, he'll mail it.

Of all the boneheaded things...

Now, Gordon, this is no time to yell at Winnie.

Remember, she just lost a very expensive mink.

I'm afraid I'm about to lose a very expensive husband.

Sorry, Colonel.

It's all right, Winnie.

I should have mailed the check myself.

Well, don't feel too bad, Colonel.

Uh, we all make mistakes.

Uh, anyone for coffee?

I am.

Come on, Winnie, I'll give you a hand.

Well, you heard him say he should mail it.

Wilbur, what are you doing?

Well, Gordon, I have a theory,

and if it checks out, at least we'll find out how the crook got inside.

And just what is your theory?

Ah, well, it's a matter of simple deduction,

whereby we arrive at three facts.

A, this was definitely not an inside job.

You mean neither Winnie nor I stole the mink.

Exactly.

B, ipso facto, it must have been an outside job.

You follow me so far?

Well, you've certainly convinced me that the thief

came from the outside in order to get inside.

Exactly, exactly.

Now, facts A and B

lead us to the logical conclusion

three, C.

You see, that is that the thief

would try to find the easiest point of entry,

either through a door or through a window.

Or a chimney.

And it couldn't be Santa Claus because it's way past Christmas.

Wilbur, will you please let the police handle this case?

Now, they're sending a detective over to investigate.

Now, wait a minute, Gordon.

I have a feeling that the crook jimmied this door, eh?

He jimmied it very silently,

very quietly.

Well, we know he didn't try to jimmy this door

or otherwise he'd have broken the glass.

Right, Gordon?

Now, the first thing we've got to do

is find somebody to fix that glass.

Now, where's the good old phone book?

Attention!

I beseech all hearts

to hang down by this,

hang down by this,

hang down by this

and don't come back!

Ha-ha-ha!

Now, then.

The only way that crook can get in

is to be born here.

Hmm.

I look a little pale.

Nothing to be afraid of.

I got the door barricaded,

locked the windows to the office.

No way anybody can get in.

Hi, Ed.

Ed!

What happened?

I fainted.

I told you I do that in emergencies.

Hmm.

Oh!

I'm sorry, Ed.

The door was open.

I just walked right in.

I didn't think I'd frighten you.

You should never scare a horse

with high blood pressure.

Since when have you had high blood pressure?

Since you scared me.

Well, relax, Ed.

The police will be patrolling the neighborhood.

Now, why don't you turn off your light

and get some rest, huh?

I'm sleeping with my eyes wide open.

Then if I'm stolen in my sleep,

I'll know where they're taking me.

The detective will be here soon.

I'm going over to Gordon's

and try to dig up some more clues for him.

Good night, Ed.

Eh, take care of yourself, buddy boy.

I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.

Don't worry.

I'll be okay.

Yeah, I hope so.

Carol's next husband might be a horse hater.

Ow, ow, ow!

I might as well make them think

there's a watchdog in here.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Now then, Mr. Kirkwood,

would you give me a description

of the stolen articles?

Well, the mink stole was sapphire gray

with a gray silk lining.

And the other articles?

The liver was red

and the hamburger brown.

Liver, hamburger?

A pound of each.

They were wrapped in white paper.

But I'm much more interested

in getting back my mink stole.

Well, I don't blame you,

Mrs. Kirkwood.

Oh, Sergeant,

it was such a beautiful fur.

I wish you could have seen it.

I only took it to the finest restaurants

and theater openings.

It was almost like a member

of the family, wasn't it, Colonel?

A baby would have been cheaper.

Mrs. Kirkwood,

when did you first discover the theft?

Well, uh, the stole was taken today

and the liver and hamburger

were stolen yesterday.

I remember that.

Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Kirkwood.

There are certain other things

that I'll need to know.

Was there a name

or initials on the piece?

Oh, yes.

Whenever I order

a piece of meat,

the butcher always puts

my name on the package.

You see, uh, Mr. Schultz

always gets my orders confused

with Mrs. Kirkland.

My name is Mrs. Kirkwood.

And she buys the cheapest cuts

of meat you can imagine.

Honestly, your husband

looks like a little dried-up herring.

But not my colonel.

I feed him only

the finest prime grade A meat.

Which accounts for my shiny coat

and moist little nose.

Sergeant,

Mrs. Kirkwood's mink stole

did have initials on it.

How many letters?

Two in the lining

and one in the pocket.

The one that should have been

mailed to the insurance company.

Now, Colonel,

we both admitted

it was your fault.

Well, I think that's all

I'll need for right now.

If you don't mind,

I'll, uh, take a look outside

and see what I can find.

Hi.

You can save yourself

the trouble, officer.

I've just checked the yard

and I think I've rounded up

enough evidence

to wrap up this case.

Sergeant,

this is my neighbor,

Wilbur Post.

How do you do, Sergeant?

Mr. Post,

is this the one you said?

Yep.

He's the nut

who broke the window.

Exactly in the line

of investigation.

Sergeant,

I've rounded up a few vital clues

which I think should lead us

straight to our man.

Here is a coat button.

Here's a piece of fabric

I found in a rosebush

just outside.

And here.

There's some stray hairs

I found on a loose twig

just outside the window there.

Too large to have come

from a caterpillar.

I also measured a footprint

outside there

and I found that, uh,

our criminal

wears a 9 1⁄2 shoe

D-width.

I think you should

brush those things

through the crime lab

so he can get out

an APB right away.

I told you he was a nut.

Gordon,

that isn't a nice thing

to say.

I think Wilbur's

handled this case

like a regular Perry Mason.

I dare say

it'll be the first case

Perry Mason's lost.

I suppose this button

seems to come

from your jacket.

Yeah.

By golly,

I think you're right.

And this piece of fabric

seems to match

the tear in your, uh,

pants cover.

Yeah, yeah, it does,

doesn't it?

And these pairs

just about the shade

of your hair.

Oh, and, uh,

what size shoe

do you wear?





Well, Wilbur,

we've got everything

but your signed confession.

Mr. Post,

why don't you leave

this investigation

to the police department?

We don't mind.

We do this sort of work

all the time.

Very well, too.

Look how quickly

he caught me.

We'll have a police car

patrolling the neighborhood,

so don't worry.

Sergeant,

uh, do you think

the burglar will come back?

Well, it's possible.

That's why it's essential

that the two of you

go about your normal business

just like nothing

had happened.

We don't want him to suspect

that we're watching the place.

Good night.

Good night, Sergeant.

Good night.

Bye, Sergeant.

Nice work.

Colonel,

I won't be able

to sleep a wink tonight.

Now, Winnie,

there's nothing to worry about.

The sergeant said

he'd have a man

watching the house.

And I'll be on guard, too.

I'll be sitting

in my bedroom window

with a shotgun pointed

right at your house.

Now, I won't be able

to sleep a wink.

Wilbur, once and for all,

will you let the police

handle this case?

Okay, Gordon.

Good night, fellow.

Hey,

you sure this tape's

gonna hold?

Who am I kidding

with this snoring?

I'm wide awake

and scared to death.

I think I'll check

my burglar trap.

The crook

trips over that rope.

He pitches forward

and grabs the hanging rope

and then,

ha, ha, ha,

then the fun begins.

Uh-oh, footsteps.

The crook.

I'd better hide.

Only one of us

is walking out of here

and I hope

he has four legs.

Whoa, whoa.

Ed, Ed, what happened?

Get me out of here, Ed.

Ed.

Colonel,

it's getting late.

Why don't you

come into bed?

Oh, in a few minutes.

Why don't you go to sleep?

I can't.

I'm afraid.

Why, Wendy,

there's nothing

to be afraid of.

The police

are patrolling the area.

Patrolling the streets.

Detectives around the house.

Nothing could possibly...

Gordon.

Help!

It's okay.

It's only me.

Wilbur,

if you want to come in the house,

why don't you

knock on the door?

I didn't want to scare you.

I was in the barn before

and I got a great idea.

Why don't we set

a trap for this burglar?

Get him to come here

to us.

I don't want

that awful man

in my house.

The last time he was here

he took my mink stole.

Believe me,

it's the only way.

Now, first, Gordon,

we've got to let Winnie

sleep at my house.

Huh?

I think she'll be

a lot safer over there.

Well,

yeah, he is right, dear.

I would feel

a lot better

if you were next door.

But the detective

said not to do

anything different

and make everything

seem normal.

Look, Winnie,

don't worry about it.

I know what I'm doing.

If that crook

is watching this house,

he will never know

you're gone.

I know how to handle crooks.

Come on, then.

Come on.

Wilbur,

I don't give this marriage

two days.

Not so loud.

That prowler

could be outside

right now watching us.

Just the same.

I think the whole thing

is ridiculous.

I'm only doing this to help.

Right now I could be

back at my house

with my own husband.

Wife.

Act natural.

Let's talk.

What do you and Winnie

talk about at night?

What a nut

we got for a neighbor.

Shh.

I think I heard a noise.

Winnie,

Gordon ordered you

to stay at our house.

He's not going to like

your barging in on him.

Well, I just want to

make sure he's all right.

I'll just take a peek

through the patio window

just to make sure.

Wilbur, you're right.

Somebody is out there.

Uh-huh.

I told you this would work.

I'll make it look natural.

Put your arm around me.

I think I'd rather be robbed.

Come on.

Get your g*n ready.

Make it look good.

Come on.

Come on.

Wilbur,

move your head a little.

One of your curlers

is sticking in my ear.

You homewrecker.

I know that's what

happens when I make stuff.

Winnie, stop it.

Winnie, stop it.

Winnie, Winnie.

It's Wilbur.

Well, I don't care

who she is.

Wilbur.

Wilbur, what are you doing

dressed like that?

This is part of my plan.

I want the prowler

to think that I am Winnie.

Why?

So that everything

will look normal.

You think you two

look normal?

Never mind how we look.

Now, Winnie,

go on back with Carol.

But Colonel,

if Wilbur's supposed to be me,

he should go back with Carol

because that's where I am.

Winnie.

Come on, Winnie.

I think Mr. and Mrs. North

want to be alone.

I don't feel right

about leaving you in the house

with another woman,

even if it is Wilbur.

Come on, Winnie.

You know,

that's the first time

I was ever the other woman.

There's someone at the door.

Go see who it is.

You go.

You're the husband.

Now, go on,

answer the door.

I'll be right here

keeping you covered.

Never knew you

were the kind of man

who would hide

behind a woman's skirts.

Go on.

Now, that's an order.

Open the door.

Open the door.

I hope you weren't in bed,

Mrs. Kirkwood.

Mrs. Kirkwood?

No, I'm Wilbur Post.

You met me this afternoon.

Oh, Mr. Post,

will you please stop

playing policewoman

er, policewoman?

Someone's in the kitchen.

I'll take care of this.

It's a doll.

You better stay here, ma'am.

Here.

Watch it, Wilbur.

Thanks, Ed.

You didn't see

a little dog around here,

did you?

No, I didn't, cutie.

Never mind.

Now, what I'm looking for...

Ed, this dog is a thief.

You're harboring a fugitive.

I know it's wrong

to steal, Wilbur,

but she needed that meat.

Oh, she did, huh?

And how about

Mrs. Kirkwood's mink stool?

I suppose she needed this, too?

Look under the blanket, Wilbur.

She did it for her kids, Wilbur.

Well, I'll be darned.

Excuse me, Ed.

Hey, Gordon, come here.

I've caught the prowler.

Coming, Wilbur, coming.

Oh, no.

Gordon, sit down

and I'll tell you all about it.

I'm awful sorry, Gordon.

Oh, well.

What's going on?

Just look at them.

Have you ever seen

anything so adorable?

I'm glad they slept

in my stool.

I did that the first

few days I had it.

I can't get over it.

Our prowler turns out

to be a mommy doggy

getting food for her puppies.

Actually, I had a suspicion

it was a dog all along.

See, when I saw

those footprints,

I figured it was

either a small man

or a large dog

or a man trying

to simulate a dog

or vice versa.

You know what I mean?

He made more sense

when he was my wife.

Why don't we let them

get a little sunshine?

Gordon, would you

carry your little

grandchildren out

into the yard?

Sure, come on, fellas.

Come with Grandpa.

There you go.

Thanks, Sherlock Holmes.

Little puppies

are cute, aren't they, Ed?

Yeah, but I wouldn't

want to own one.

Why not?

It might look a little

silly, a horse

walking a dog

every night.

A horse is a horse,

of course, of course,

and no one can talk

to a horse, of course,

that is, of course,

unless the horse

is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source

and ask the horse,

he'll give you

the answer that you endorse.

He's always on

a steady course,

talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack

a streak,

and waste your time

a day,

but Mr. Ed

will never speak

unless he has

something to say.

A horse is a horse,

of course, of course,

and this one will talk

to his voice, his horse.

You never heard

of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been

a Filmways presentation.