04x25 - Saddles and Gowns

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Camp town ladies sing this song.

Doo-dah, doo-dah.

Camp town racetrack nine miles long.

Oh, doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night.

Gonna run all day.

Hey, hold it, hold it. Who said anything about running?

We're so good, we ought to go on the Ed Sullivan show.

To him, you're just another singing horse.

Well, let's... Oh, there's Jim Maloney.

Yeah, good morning, Wilbur.

Hi, Jim.

Sure is a nice day, huh?

Yeah, yeah, we were just riding along, singing.

I mean, I was singing, he was keeping time with his feet.

I mean, say, are you going to the architect's ball next week?

Oh, yeah, we go every year.

He was keeping time with his feet?

Well, my horse has a great sense of rhythm, you know.

The front end is Gene Krupa and the back is Fred Astaire.

I mean, hey, that's an expensive looking saddle you got there, Jim.

Oh, well, it set me back a fortune.

But the way I feel, the best is none too good for Sir Lancelot.

Well, see you at the ball, Wilbur.

Bye.

Yeah, see you later, Jim.

Yeah, let's get going, Ed.

Oh, camp town lady, sing this song.

Doo, doo-dah, doo-doo-dah.

Ed, why aren't you singing?

Yeah, with this crummy old saddle, what have I got to sing about?

What's come over you all of a sudden? This is a beautiful saddle.

Please, my saddle is old fashioned.

It went out with a high button stirrup.

What do you want me to do, get a saddle designed by Schiaparelli?

Well, you heard what that man Maloney said.

Nothing's too good for his horse.

Oh, that's what it is. You're jealous, huh?

Well...

Ed, look, if we tried to keep up with the Joneses, you know where we'd end up?

Yeah, in a saddle shop, making our little horse happy.

I'd be better dressed if I lived on Skid Row.

Ed, if you don't take me home, that's where you may end up.

Is that supposed to be a threat?

Yes.

Well, then, let's go home.

How do you tell a husband you want to buy an expensive gown?

Use my system. I'll break the news to the colonel while we're having dinner.

You mean after dinner?

No, during. How much can a man yell with a full mouth?

Oh, it's a beautiful gown, Winnie. When Gordon sees it, I'm sure he'll let you buy it.

I hope so. I got it on approval. So far, I've got mine. All I need is his.

It's lovely. You'll be the hit of the architect's ball.

Well, the one you picked out of Betty's is just as pretty.

Have you spoken to Wilbur about buying it?

Not yet.

On approval. That's how I'll get my new saddle. I'll phone the store.

Carol, I'm as hungry as a bear.

Come on, Ed, let's get you undressed.

I always say that to him.

I've got to figure a way to soften up Wilbur.

When Wilbur sees my new gown, he'll have to buy you one.

Honey, how about some lunch?

Start your campaign, and then I'll come in in my gown.

Gee, I don't know, Winnie. I like being honest with people.

Of course, but Wilbur isn't people. He's your husband.

Now, do you want me to help you?

Yeah, sure.

Okay. And stop looking so nervous. Smile.

Hi, Carol. What's on the menu?

Roast beef sandwich with gown gravy.

Ooh, that's my favorite, gown gravy.

Gown gravy?

Honey, have I told you today how much I love you?

What'd you buy? A new handbag?

Cashmere sweater?

A mink coat?

Honey, I haven't bought a thing.

Carol, you always make me nervous when you kiss me without a reason.

I love you, honey.

Tantrum?

What's the matter? The party light break down?

Colonel, what are you doing here?

I'm here to rescue you. I thought you had your ear caught in the door.

Darling, that is nice, sneaking up on your wife like that.

Me sneaking up on you? Ha!

What were you doing, checking the door for termites?

What you got in that box?

Box? What box?

Right there.

Oh, this box?

Yeah.

Um, it's my new dress for the Architects Ball.

I haven't bought it yet, dear. It's on approval.

It's on its way back.

Wilbur, isn't this job just nice?

It sure isn't. I can't hear a word they're saying.

Darling, let's be reasonable.

I'm always reasonable.

I'm perfectly willing to listen to anything you've got to say before I turn you down.

Oh, Wilbur.

Okay, let's ask Wilbur.

Wilbur, when you get finished with your exercises, would you mind settling an argument?

Sure. Yeah, I was just doing some push-ups.

What was the argument about?

It's a waste of time. You know he'll stick up for you.

No, I won't, Winnie.

I'll listen to both sides of the argument,

and I will give a completely fair and unprejudiced opinion.

Now, Wilbur, you served under Mr. MacArthur.

And you know that I never allowed duplication of purchases.

True, Colonel. True.

To me, it's a gross inefficiency for Winnie to buy a new gown

when she's already got a perfectly good one hanging in the closet that she's only worn once.

Colonel, I am not going to wear my wedding gown to that party.

Well, I've heard both sides of the argument.

And speaking impartially...

You would stick up for him.

I didn't say anything.

You servicemen are all alike. You always stick together.

I didn't say anything.

And for your information, I'm getting a new gown, too.

Now I'm going to say something.

I knew those kisses weren't on the house.

Colonel, may I keep the gown?

No, you may not.

It's going back to the PX.

Shut up.

Now, look, I want to talk to you, Colonel, about this.

When I put my foot down, I keep it down.

Wilbur.

Don't worry, Carol. You looked lovely in last year's gown.

But all the girls have seen it.

That's a silly attitude.

What if Ed were to say he's unhappy because the other horses have seen his old saddle?

You think I'd go out and buy him a new one?

I think you would.

Absolutely not. I made that perfectly clear to him.

I mean, if he did come to me, I'd tell him it's too expensive.

He's very understanding.

I mean, because animals have a sense of...

They...

Gown bravy?

My beautiful new saddle.

On approval and on Wilbur's charge account.

It's got my approval.

Now I only need his.

Uh-oh.

I'll break it to him gently, and I hope he does the same for my head.

Hi, Ed. Chow time.

Wait, Wilbur. I don't want any hay.

No hay? How come?

I'm allergic to it.

A horse allergic to hay?

Yeah. It gives me hay fever.

Ed, come on.

Why, it does. Listen.

You big clump. You nearly had me fooled.

Come on, have your lunch.

Hit...

Hit me, and I phone the SPCA.

Ed, I demand to know where that saddle came from.

I ordered it from the saddle shop. On approval.

You didn't.

There's a receipt on your desk which says I did.

Do you know what you've done?

You know Carol's been after me for a new gown.

If she sees that saddle, she'll leave me.

Then there'll be just you and me. Oh, boy.

Ed.

I always said three's a crowd.

Ed, I'm sorry, but that saddle goes back.

Please, Wilbur.

People have lots of clothes, but all a horse has is a saddle.

Please, Wilbur.

Okay, Ed, you win.

Oh, bless you, Wilbur.

And I'll remember you on Father's Day.

You know, I'm only lucky Carol doesn't know your tricks,

or I'd be out a saddle and a gown.

Come on, eat your lunch.

This is a pretty desperate trick, Winnie.

Do you think Wilbur will see through it?

Not if you're wearing a slip.

You know, this dress of Aunt Sophie's is nearly 70 years old.

I've been meaning to throw it away for years.

Believe me, when Wilbur sees you in that old rag,

he'll beg you to buy that new gown.

There's nothing like appealing to a husband's pride.

How come you don't try this on Gordon?

Because the colonel has no pride.

He wouldn't care if I showed up in a low-cut duffle bag.

Oh, that's not so, Winnie. He adores you.

Well, how does it look?

Perfect.

What?

Perfectly horrible.

Thank you.

Shall I call Wilbur now?

You'd better.

If we wait any longer, that thing might come back into style.

Wilbur!

Honey!

Will you come down a second?

Sure, Carol.

Remember, the colonel said if Wilbur gets you a new gown,

I get a new gown.

Okay.

Do a good job. You're fighting for both of us.

Well, how do you like it, honey?

I'm wearing it to the ball.

You just bought it, huh?

No, I got it out of the truck.

It's Aunt Sophie's.

What do you think?

Well...

Of course, if you think you'd be ashamed of me in this gown,

I could always buy a new one.

Oh, no, no, don't do that.

No, I think it's sensational.

You like it?

Oh, absolutely. It's fabulous.

You look just like you fell off a cameo.

You don't think it's a little old-fashioned?

No, no.

Oh, the best thing about it is

that none of the girls have seen you in this dress.

You don't think the sleeves are a little too long?

Well, let's see.

Well, you could shorten them a soupçon.

Like this?

That's nice, that's nice.

That kind of piques the curiosity.

People wonder what you got up the other sleeve.

Oh, that's made it, honey.

That's just made it. Absolutely.

Now, you show both arms.

Let people know you got a set.

I love what you've done with that rose.

I love that.

It adds a dash of color.

Not too much, not too little.

Just a bold dash of color.

I like that, I like that.

That's good, that's good.

This hemline is perfect.

That's continental, isn't it?

Real continental flair.

Daring, but discreet.

Yeah, that's good.

Very nice, yes.

Do I make one suggestion, dear?

Could you raise the bustle just a wee bit?

A soupçon?

I think that'll be perfect.

On second thought, wait a minute.

I liked it better the way it was.

Oh!

Oh, sorry, honey.

Better luck next time.

Oh!

Carol really thought she could fool you

with that old dress routine.

Can you imagine that?

You know, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning

to put one like that over on me.

Yeah, I had to get up at three

to con you into that new saddle.

Yeah, and remember, Ed,

I don't want Carol to see that saddle

till after the ball.

Otherwise, I'm going to have to get her a new gown.

Don't worry.

I got it hidden away where she'll never find it.

Good. Where is it?

On my back.

Oh, no!

Ed, you must be out of your mind.

I love my saddle so much, Wilbur,

I just had to sleep in it.

If Carol sees this, I'll be sleeping with you.

Uh, suppose she accidentally saw it, Wilbur,

then could I wear it?

Ed, let me put it this way.

If Carol accidentally sees this saddle,

then a certain horse is accidentally

going to be getting his mail in Mexico.

Comprende?

Si, senor.

I'm just going to lock this up

and remove the temptation.

Oh!

Don't do that, Wilbur.

You can trust me.

It's not like I'm your wife.

I won't wear it, I promise.

Cross my hooves and hope to die.

Ed, I'm sorry, but I've got to make sure

you don't wear this until after the ball.

What am I going to be in the meantime?

A nudist?

Yeah, I've got to open this lock.

But where am I going to get a hairpin?

No, I can't do anything to hurt Wilbur.

He's been too nice to me.

Hello, Ed.

Who are you?

I'm the devilish part of you, Ed.

You want to wear your new sound today, don't you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay, get the receipt on the desk

and let Carol see it.

No, I can't do that to Wilbur.

You want me to turn in my best friend?

Why not?

Anyone can turn in an enemy,

but it takes character to turn in a friend.

You're a devil.

I didn't get these horns at the five and ten.

Go away. I love Wilbur.

I'm going to give him this receipt

and tell him to tear it up.

This is just a bad day for devils.

I've got to get this receipt to Wilbur.

No sense fighting temptation.

I am not being childish, Wilbur.

Well, you're certainly acting like one.

Uh-uh. The w*r is still on.

I'd better get back to the American zone.

Don't worry, I'll get you that gown.

Uh, uh, Carol, why don't you stand up

and I'll move a chair around

so you'll get the sun right on your face, huh?

I don't want the sun in my eyes.

Oh, uh, why not? That's very good for you.

That's all vitamin D.

Builds nice, strong bones.

Tan bones.

Wilbur, please.

Oh, honey, stand up. There's a bee.

I'll k*ll it.

Bee.

Uh, flew away.

The bird, bird scared it.

Birds will always scare the...

Well, in the house, I'll tell it all about the birds and the bees.

Wilbur, will you please stop trying to make up with me?

Right. That's the way you want it.

You can, you can just get up

and go on in the house for all I care.

All right. Maybe I will.

Honey, honey.

Wilbur, will you please stop trying to bother me?

Who's bothering you? I'm your husband.

I can dance with you whenever I feel like it.

Carol, you've got a piece of paper stuck on your pants.

Oh.

So you bought that saddle for Mr. Ed.

Knew there was something I forgot to tell you.

Coming downtown with me, Winnie?

Downtown? What for?

To buy some new gowns.

Oh, why?

Come on. I'll tell you all about it in the fitting room.

Nice of you to spot that receipt, Colonel.

Well, how was I to know?

Anyway, what sort of a place is that to file your old bills?

I wonder how that receipt got there.

Uh-oh. I'd better find a good lawyer and plead insanity.

Why did you double-cross me?

Oh, I didn't, Wilbur.

I was bringing that receipt out to you to tear up.

Honest, I was.

Ed, you are the last talking horse I'll ever trust.

Oh, don't say that, buddy boy.

Don't you buddy boy me, you... you Benedict Arnold.

Wilbur, stop. Turn around.

I want to remember you the way you are now.

Mean and nasty.

Gee, honey.

Oh.

You look gorgeous.

You like?

Oh, I'm glad I got you that dress.

You'll be the prettiest girl at the ball.

I won't exactly look like Cinderella, myself.

We certainly married a couple of beautiful women.

Expensive, but beautiful.

Well, we'd better get started.

Yeah. Allow me.

Uh, look, I'll be right back. Excuse me.

Ed, I just came in to tell you we're going to the ball.

Okay, I heard you.

If you... if you say you're sorry you squealed on me,

I... I may let you wear your new saddle tomorrow.

What new saddle?

I sent it back to the store yesterday.

You did? Why?

I don't want a gift from a man who doesn't believe his horse.

You mean you actually sent the saddle back?

All I've got under this blanket is me.

Well, Ed,

were you really bringing that receipt out to me?

No.

I just wanted a wallpaper Carol Slats with it.

Ed, I...

I apologize.

Will you forgive me?

Sure.

I don't expect you to be perfect like me, Wilbur.

You're only human.

What I want to know is how did you get that saddle out of there?

I put a padlock on the feed box.

Easy. I sawed it in half.

You really did?

Yeah. Unfortunately, I also sawed the saddle in half.

Oh, no!

We may have a little trouble with the refund.

We?

Yeah.

Camp town ladies sing this song.

Doo-dah, doo-dah.

Camp town race track nine miles long.

Oh, doo-dah day.

You, uh, you tired, Ed? You want to go home?

Oh, no, Wilbur.

With you on my back, I can ride all the doo-dah day.

Ed, you don't feel too badly about not having a new saddle, huh?

No, not a bit.

I like my old saddle.

Like old wine and old Wilburs.

Give me the old thing.

Oh, hi, Jim.

Well, hi, Wilbur.

Hey, that was a nice party last night, huh?

Oh, yeah, we had a wonderful time.

Um, say, uh, you notice anything different about my horse?

Uh, no, no.

Well, it's the bit. I just bought it for him this morning.

It's sterling silver.

Oh, yeah. What happened? They run out of gold ones?

Well, I like to spend money on this fella.

Well, I'll see you.

Bye, Jim.

Well, Ed, let's get going, shall we?

Giddyap.

Giddyap yourself.

Now what's wrong?

Sterling silver for that plug.

Scrap metal for your horse.

You just told me.

Are you buying me a sterling bit, Wilbur?

Maybe for our silver anniversary.

Are you going to get going, or will I have to have you towed in?

Cheapskate.

What did you call me?

Huh? Nothing, nothing.

Had a horse talk to himself.

I never get new things.

Same old junk.

Same old horseshoe, stirrup, saddle.

What a life.

If you're not careful, I'm going to get you a silver muzzle.

Jam town ladies, sing the song.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.