04x26 - Moko

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Can you get me that can of silver polish, will you, please?

Okay.

I've got all this work to do,

and Gordon Kirkwood wants me to polish his punch bowl for his party tonight.

Well, why didn't you tell him you wouldn't do it?

You know he was my colonel in the Air Force.

I still haven't learned to say no to him.

He asked me to polish it. He practically ordered me to.

Thanks.

I hate people that order other people around.

Get the polishing cloth.

I hope that goes for horses, too.

And please get the polishing cloth.

Yes, colonel.

If I could salute, I would.

He's giving the party. I'm doing all the work.

Oh, thanks. Now, get me the brush.

What am I working for?

I wasn't even invited.

Ed, would you get me the brush, please?

Yes, general.

And you're not missing a thing, you know.

These reunion parties of Gordon's are the dullest.

When you leave, you tell him what a good time you had,

and then go out and try to have one.

Thank you.

Oh, not that brush. The little one.

Yes, Mr. President.

Ed, look, you left the file drawer open. You better shut it.

What are you naying for? You know how to speak.

If you're gonna work me like a horse,

I might as well talk like one.

Ed, get the phone.

I'm tired. Answer it yourself.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Miss Laverne.

Yes, the plans for your beach house will be finished at noon.

You can see them then.

Thanks for calling.

All right. Goodbye.

That Gloria Laverne.

If she had two more legs and a tail,

I'd give up being a bachelor.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'll be glad when her plans are finished.

Every time she comes around here, Carol gets jealous.

I don't know why.

Wilbur, one of these days,

you and I must have a horse to mantel.

Thanks, Dave.

Wilbur.

Ah, is the bowl polished?

Yes, Colonel.

Yes, sir. I mean, yes, Gordon.

Wilbur, we're neighbors now.

Besides, I'm retired from the Air Force.

I wish you'd stop treating me like I was still your commanding officer.

There's still a spot on that bowl.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I want this party to be the most memorable.

What can I do tonight to make everybody happy?

Cancel the party.

Wilbur, you can help the party tonight

by leaving your questionable sense of humor at home.

For the first time, I am being honored

by the presence of a four-star general,

General Lucius Bromley.

And I expect perfect dignity and decorum from everyone.

Now, Wilbur, I'm depending on you

to tell a few jokes and liven up my party.

Why did you put this bowl on my head?

You and your awful jokes.

Now, what made him do that?

Come on.

Moko, why did you make that Earthling

put that silver bowl on his head?

Oh.

I was just testing my powers

to see if I could control his mind.

Totty, I'm planning another trip to Earth.

Oh, no.

I'm bored, Totty.

I'd like to taste a piece of steak,

smell a rose,

dance, dance with a woman.

A woman?

Oh.

Oh, yes, I remember.

Back on Earth, they still have two sexes.

Thank goodness we've evolved past that stage.

I think we took a wrong turn someplace.

Gordon, what are you looking at?

I don't know,

but I have the strangest feeling

somebody's looking back.

Maybe it's a peeping Tom.

Oh, no.

You're hardly the type anyone would peep at.

I still feel I'm being watched.

Well, as long as someone's watching,

let's give them something to watch.

You went home?

Hello, Carol.

Hello, Carol.

Hi.

I need some advice.

I'm worried.

Wilbur is designing a house for that Gloria Laverne,

and, well, you know what her reputation is.

Oh, yeah.

She's been married so many times

she has her own Justice of the Peace.

Isn't she an actress?

Well, that's what she claimed

when she was on What's My Line?

Well, I'm sure you can trust Wilbur.

When he was in my squadron,

there was this beautiful flight nurse.

Wilbur got sick.

Come to think of it,

he got sick eight times in two hours.

You'd better hurry and check on him.

Oh.

Poor Carol.

I've seen pictures of Gloria Laverne and...

Please, dear.

I can't get over the feeling I'm being watched.

I can't get over old Ironsides

putting that punch bowl on his head.

I heard of spring fever,

but I thought his spring was sprung.

Miss Laverne will be here any minute.

Oh, Wilbur, I forgot to ask you.

Would you like mustard or mayonnaise

on your chicken sandwich?

Mayonnaise on your chicken sandwich.

You know, this is the tenth time

you've asked me about lunch.

What you really want to find out

is that Miss Laverne's here, huh?

But, dear, you don't have to be worried about her.

I am a married man,

and I'm in love with my wife.

So were all the other husbands she married.

If you're that worried about her,

just put garlic in the sandwich.

Well, I don't have to do that.

But I can tell you this.

If you get any closer to her

than this three-foot ruler,

you will be paying $100 alimony every foot.

You're just upset because she's a movie star.

To me, she's just another client.

Just a plain, ordinary woman.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Miss Laverne.

I'd like you to meet my wife,

Garlick.

Garlick.

Carol. Carol. Her name...

Your name's Carol.

How do you do, Mr. Post?

How do you do?

Remember, $100 a foot.

Family joke.

I still have a family.

Well, I'm just dying to see

those plans, Mr. Post.

Oh, well, they're on the desk,

all finished.

Now, um, here is the living room.

Yes.

And over there is the patio.

That's a nice arrangement.

Um, what's this room?

Uh, that's the kitchen.

Oh, and how far is that from the patio?

Three feet.

Everything has to be three feet.

What?

Well, it's a scale.

It's drawn.

And, um, where are the bedrooms?

Those you'll have to find yourself.

Mr. Post, is there anything wrong?

No, no, no.

I just want you to see the house from the front,

and I'll see it from the back.

Why?

Why?

Oh, well, I drew it from the front,

and I've never seen it from the back.

Well, Mr. Post,

you're a very talented architect,

but couldn't you calm down a bit?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, Mr. Verne.

Now, what's this central area here?

Oh, well, you see, it's a circular house,

and each room opens up on a terrace

which surrounds the pool.

That's a very clever idea.

I thought you'd like that.

Then I've got sliding glass doors

opening up in every room.

This gives you plenty of space.

Oh, Carol,

would you like to see Miss Laverne's plans?

I think I know what they are.

And when I came in with the chicken sandwich

with the garlic on it,

it was too late.

He was already kissing that girl.

Oh, you poor dear.

Kissing her?

How despicable.

Well, I'll go over there and get rid of that hussy.

Oh, no, you don't.

Moko, please don't go through with this project.

Don't go through with it?

But, Moko...

Now, I won't harm that Colonel Kirkwood.

Just for a short time,

I'll enter his mind and take over his body.

I beg you not to.

Now, remember the last time you did that.

Yeah.

I think his name was Mark Antony,

and Cleopatra was so delightful.

Well, the trip must have been pretty tiring.

You came back exhausted.

Well, it wasn't a trip.

It was rowing that queen down the Nile all night.

Moko, what are you going to do?

Just watch me.

Earth, here I come!

Gordon, you are being ridiculous.

There is nothing between Miss Laverne and me.

Really, how could you even think of such a thing?

Well, I only came over here to look at the plants for my house.

You're not talking to some callow youth,

you know, Miss Laverne.

I've heard about you,

and I came here for just one purpose.

To invite you to my party tonight.

You mean you want me to come to your party?

Yes.

Oh, you were as lovely as she was.

But don't expect me to row you down the Nile.

What's gotten into you?

You have no idea.

You will come.

I have waited so long for this.

And bring some of your friends.

What do you call them down here?

Oh, yes.

Swingers.

This sounds like this party is going to be a real ball.

But I wouldn't have traveled so far if it wasn't.

Until tonight, then.

Until tonight.

Goodbye, Mr. Post.

Bye.

Bye.

And good riddance.

Well, I certainly told her off.

Told her off?

You call inviting her to your party telling her off?

I invite...

Wilbur, how can you stand there and look me in the eye

and say a thing like that?

I just did. I heard you.

You heard...

Oh, now I get it.

You invited her before I got here,

and now you're trying to blame me.

I'm going to tell Carol she's right.

You are after that girl.

Oh, I wish we were back in the service

so I could strip you of your good conduct medal.

Did you just hear what I just heard?

I heard it, but I can't believe it either.

Gordon did invite her to the party.

And also some swingers.

What happened?

That isn't the same Gordon.

I don't know what he's taking,

but I'd sure like to get the same prescription.

Boy, what a trip back.

We've got to do something about those Earth astronauts.

They're really reckless drivers.

Moko, forget this whole adventure.

Instead, tonight you and I will think a beautiful symphony.

A symphony?

You must be out of your cloud-picking mind.

I got a swinging party going tonight.

Gordon is trying to blame me for something that he did.

I told you this story five times.

Let me hear it again.

Gordon Kirkwood was talking sternly to Gloria Laverne.

In the middle of the conversation,

a strange leer came over his face

and he invited her to his party tonight.

For the sixth time, I still don't believe you.

It just so happens I've got a witness.

He was standing in the stall and heard the whole thing.

Who?

For the seventh time,

Gordon Kirkwood was talking sternly to Wilbur.

Wilbur, I tell you this.

Tonight at that party,

if you so much as look at Gloria Laverne

with those innocent blue eyes,

one will be innocent blue and the other innocent black.

Wilbur?

Wilbur?

Gordon, I'm afraid this champagne punch is a little weak.

You're absolutely right, my dear.

I hope General Bromley doesn't think this punch is too strong.

He doesn't approve of alcohol.

This party will never make the society page,

but it's certain to be in the obituary column.

Tonight, I am answering the door,

and if it's that Gloria Laverne,

she's not entering these premises.

I still can't understand why he invited her.

It's hard to explain what gets into certain men at times.

Mrs. Chambers, so glad you could come.

Nice to see you. Hi.

Good evening, Gordon.

You're looking good.

Thank you.

I'm looking forward to meeting General Bromley at a party.

I've served under him for 20 years

and have never heard him say the two words,

at ease.

If I know General Bromley,

you're not going to hear him say it tonight either.

Major, how are you?

Good to see you.

Thank you.

Is the General here yet?

Not yet.

Good.

Then we still have time to steal a smoke.

You know, I hate to say this,

but from what my husband says,

General Bromley must be something of a stuffed shirt.

Thank you.

Oh, don't get the wrong idea about General Bromley.

Under that stuffed shirt, stuffed underwear.

That's very funny.

Oh, here he is.

Good evening, Kirkwood.

Good evening, General, sir, Mrs. Bromley.

It's an honor to have you to our party.

We're happy you invited us.

Fix your tie, it's sloppy.

Since we moved out to California,

it's nice seeing some of our old friends.

Allow me to get you some punch.

My, you look lovely tonight, Carol.

Thank you, Gordon.

Oh, here, let me.

Oh, thank you.

Gordon, this is delicious lemonade.

Wilbur, General Bromley does not approve of alcohol.

Then how'd he get so stiff?

I'm sorry I laughed, Gordon.

I forgot it was a party.

I promise I won't laugh anymore.

All the guests are here.

That must be Miss Laverne.

Well, I'll dispose of her quickly.

And you were trying to tell me

that he invited her to the party?

Yeah, this is Mr. Kirkwood.

He's giving the party.

Miss Laverne, I'm giving the party.

But I regret to tell you and your friends that...

We're wasting time.

Come on in, let's have a ball.

We're gonna have a real ball.

Come on now, we're really...

Well, don't just sit there like a bunch of deadheads.

I didn't travel 80 million miles to go to a funeral.

There he goes again.

Come on, kids, let's get this party jumping.

All you musicians, put the music on.

Right over there with the piano.

Now, come on.

All right.

Well, Brownlee, don't just stand there.

Help the kids move the piano.

Well, come on, Dory, let's have a drink.

All right.

Gordon, I don't understand.

Who concocted this mess?

You did.

Kirkwood did, not I.

I make punch.

I wanted to have punch.

Ah, that's better.

Gordon, I think you and I should have a talk.

Sure.

And I'll save the next dance for you, sweetie.

And the one after that for you, Tootsie.

My queen, shall we dance?

Surely he flipped his lid.

I'd call the doctor, but I'm afraid he might want to kiss him, too.

Hey!

I don't understand it.

He's never acted this way in his life before.

It must be that Gloria Laverne.

I'll put a stop to this.

I'll get rid of that girl.

I'm sorry, Miss Laverne, but you're going to have to leave.

She certainly is not leaving.

She certainly is.

Then I'll make sure she stays.

Laverne, as I just said, you are leaving.

You're leaving Pops and you're dancing with me.

How did that Gloria Laverne woman get in here?

Gordon Kirkwood, I've had about enough.

You're right, dear.

Giving me orders?

Kirkwood, if you were still in the Air Corps, I'd have you court-martialed.

But when I speak to you, stand at attention.

Luce, just keep calm.

Oh, nonsense. This takes a firm hand.

And as usual, I'll have to take over.

I'll get rid of that woman immediately.

Stop this nonsense.

Young woman, you go home.

Now, look, Grandpa, don't start lecturing like Tati.

I'm here to have a ball.

Young man, you're intoxicated.

That young woman leave, I'll eject her bodily.

I guess I'll have to take care of you, too.

Oh, my dreamboat, you're beautiful.

I love you.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, man.

It was the most bewildering evening of my life.

Gordon, first you danced with Gloria,

and Wilbur said he'd throw her out.

Then, Wilbur, you danced with Gloria,

and Gordon said he'd throw her out.

Then the general went to throw her out,

and he danced with Gloria.

This went on till 4 o'clock this morning.

I wish I could explain it.

Wish I could remember it.

May I have a cup of coffee?

Oh, boy.

I was watching that party last night.

You, Kirkwood, and the general

were acting like two-year-old colts

eating loco weed.

I don't know what happened to us.

What do you suppose made us do it?

Wilbur, there are a lot of things

in this world that can't be explained.

Yeah, but what do you do about it?

Nothing. Just enjoy it.

I know I did.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and no one can talk to a horse, of course,

that is, of course, unless the horse

is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse,

he'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak

and waste your time a day,

but Mr. Ed will never speak

unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.