02x20 - Tony for President

[bunniefuu]

♪ There is more to life
than what you're living

♪ So take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road
and a road that's hidden

♪ A brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you
my friend

♪ Nights are long
but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life
around the bend ♪

Uh, okay, okay.
Here we go now.

The word we've all been
waiting for.

There. Eh? 89 points.

Wow.

Wait a minute.

"Korchflap?"

What's a korchflap?

It's a little flap
on the back of a korch.

You think I made it up?

Yes.

What? You want me to get
the dictionary?

BOTH: Yes.

Okay, so I cheated.

Phew.

That is it, I am fed up
with Joanne Parker.

I mean, she's the worst
president.

She doesn't care about
the Parents' Association.

All she wants to do is push
her husband's insurance.

Well, how did she get elected?

He's got the lowest rates.

Come on, Tony. She must know
something about
the Parents' Association.

Oh, yeah, Mona, yeah?

Tonight we had to sit through,
"Life Insurance," the movie.

What happened to you?

I left early. I walked home.
What, are you kidding me?

I couldn't stand to watch
Joanne Parker
get nominated again.

"Who, me?
Why, I'd be honored."

That's just what she said.

And just how she said it.

Yeah, well, I just wish
somebody would run
against her.

Good news.

Somebody will.

That's great. Who?

Someone with integrity.

Yeah? Who?

Somebody who cares about kids
and the community.

Who?

Somebody we can be proud
to have as the president
of our Parents' Association.

Angela, who?

You.

Who?

-Tony, you'd be perfect
for the job.
-Aw.

Besides, after you left I kind
of gave them the impression
that you might be interested.

Well, what did you say?

-"I nominate Tony Micelli for
president."
-Aah.

I second the nomination.

-All in favor of Tony for
president, say "Aye."
-Aye.

-Aye.
-Aye.

Mr. Micelli, do you accept the
nomination of your party?

Who, me? Why, I'd be honored.

Bravo, bravo.

Oh, thanks, Tony.

Selling a candidate is just
like selling anything else.
It's what I do for a living.

Oh, yeah. Well...

My only criticism...

Oh, you have a criticism?

It's the slogan.

It doesn't have the...

Doesn't have enough oomph.

Oomph?

You know, oomph?

Yes, I know, I invented oomph.

And I can tell you
categorically

that this slogan has exactly
the right amount of oomph.

I hurt your feelings,
didn't I?

No, of course not.
I'm a professional.

I'm used to dealing with
pigheaded clients who think
they know it all.

Well, I mean... You know,
on second thought...

"Micelli's our man," eh?
It's great. It's perfect.
It's perfect.

Oh, you're the client.
As long as you're happy.

Ah-ha.

I'm glad I found you two
together.

Look what I got
for your campaign.

Eh?

Now that's what I call oomph.
Eh?

Well, I mean, uh,
it's not bad, it's not bad.

Mother, I'm surprised you
didn't stoop lower.

That I like, Mona. I mean,
you got them coming and going.

Mother, you are pandering to
the lowest common denominator.

Oh, thanks. I hoped
you'd like it.

Oh, Mother, dear. Just...

Please don't wear
it to the debate Friday night.

Oh, eh...

The what on Friday night?

Oh, just a little "meet the
candidates" thing I set up.

You and Joanne, one on one.

Angela, I hope you're talking
basketball.

Oh, Tony, trust me.

I'll get you ready.
We'll go over every
possible question.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Oh, come on, Tony.
Don't worry.

AIL you have to do is stand up
there, and be yourself.

Speak out about the issues.

They'll love you.

Thanks, Mona.

And it wouldn't hurt
if you took your shirt off.

Hello, hi.

Hey, nice to see you.
Thank you very much.

-Are you nervous?
-Are you kidding me?

Not since you've been
coaching me.

Come on, hit me with another
one of those questions.

What's your position regarding
school lunches?

Well, let me just say this
about that.

Ketchup is not a vegetable.

-Tony.
-Joanne.

Good luck tonight.

Now, we may be opponents,

but we can still be friends.

Yes.

Can I ask you a personal
question?

Sure.

What're you paying for car
insurance?

Well, I'd have to look that
up, Joanne.

Well, whatever it is,
I'm sure Walt can beat it.

It's too bad. I mean, she
seems like such a nice lady.

Too bad I'm going to have to
mop the floor with her.

We're going to start now.
Candidates, please
take your places.

Hello.

Um...

Have you decided who
you're going to vote for yet?

Oh, not yet. That's why
I'm here tonight.
I'm keeping an open mind.

And on my right, the finest
this community has to offer.

A man following in the
tradition of Thomas Jefferson,
Abraham Lincoln

and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Weighing in at


Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony.

Tony. Tony.

Okay.

We're gonna start with a
question for Joanne and then
Tony has a chance to rebut.

Let the games begin.

The chair recognizes Beverly.

Um, Joanne, what do you
consider to be
your greatest strength

Unlike my worthy opponent,
who's living in sin with his
so-called boss.

Well, that certainly gets
things rolling.

Tony, would you like to rebut?

Yeah, you bet I'll rebut.

That is a total lie.

I mean, Angela and I are
employer and employee,
and friends.

Oh, friends.

Wait a minute.
What are you getting at?

Well, I mean two healthy,
attractive adults
cohabitating.

Are you telling me
nothing ever happened?

Nothing.

No meaningful glances across
the dinner table?

No.

No stolen caresses as you
pass the butter or

oil or whatever it is
you people use?

Never.

What, you expect us to believe
that all this time you two
have been living together

you've never shared a bed?

Uh...

Well, it was an accident.
I... Uh...

Listen, I thought I was
getting into somebody
else's bed.

He handles himself well under
pressure, huh?

See we were watching
this scary movie, right?

So, Sam, Sam, had a nightmare.

So she came in to my room,
but Jonathan
was already there.

So she went to Angela's room.

So then Angela couldn't sleep
so she went to Sam's room

so then Jonathan got
sick and tired of listening
to me snore

so he told me that Sam wanted
me to sleep with her in her
room so I went there

thinking it was her.

And it wasn't until the next
morning that I found out
it wasn't her.

How was I supposed to know
it was Angela?

Mr. Micelli, the Parents'
Association demands the truth.

Wait, that is the truth.

Eh, we never took
our clothes off.

Tony, we're not on trial.
We're here to discuss issues,

not whether or not
we've seen each other naked.

Well, that was
an accident too.

A-ha.

What are you a-ha-ing about?
Look, I don't have a bathtub
and she does.

I didn't even know she was
home.

So I picked up my
Captain Bubble
and headed for water.

♪ Going down the path with my
bubble bath, heigh-h*

♪ Heigh-h*, heigh-h*, heigh-h*

♪ Heigh-h*, heigh...

Holy smoke.

Well, so...

As you can see

it was an accident.

And you know statistics,
they say, 90 percent of all
household accidents

happen in the bathroom.

Are you telling me

you've never shared
a true moment of passion?

Uh...

Well, that was
an accident too.

Now, seriously. Now, wait,
wait, wait... See...

See, it was Angela's birthday.

And I was baking her a cake.

Ah, stop it...

Angela, cut that out,
you think that's funny?

Oh!

Hey, hey, have some flour.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It could happen to anyone.

And you know what?
It shouldn't even count
because we were half crocked.

Uh, were there
any other questions?

Well, we're ruined.

Our names have been
dragged through the mud.

What are we going to do?

First thing in the morning,
I'm gonna call Walt and cancel
your insurance policy.

Yes. Yeah.

Thank you, Mother.

Your date came by
and took one look at you.

I thought he was going to
dump his groceries.

Yes, yes, Mother.
You are right. That was bad.

But this is worse.

See, my skin cleared up,
but my reputation
is blemished forever.

Yeah, talk about
blemished, huh?

Oh, boy, I mean, I gotta go
stand in line
at the grocery store

while people put
down their National Enquirers
and talk about me.

And me.

Oh, yeah, Angela. What was I
thinking of? Gee.

Pff, I know you must feel
a lot worse than I do.

Oh, thanks, thanks. That's
very sensitive of you, Tony.

Yeah, I know how I'd feel
if it was all my fault.

All my fault?

Well, I mean, the whole debate
was your harebrained idea,
wasn't it?

Well, then you must feel
really bad since
you're the one who choked.

I choked?

You opened your big mouth
and jumped in with both feet.

Oh yeah? You're the one
who set this whole thing up...

-What if I set it up...
-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You are both on the same side.

Of course, it is the
losing side.

But, I mean, if you don't
stand up for each other,

it's becoming
very apparent that
nobody one else will. Huh?

You know, Angela, she's right.

She's right. You know Joanne
is responsible for this.

Now she's accusing us
of doing things
that we never did.

Or even thought about.

Do me a favor, would you?

Please come over here and just
stir this for a while
so I can get the butter.

-We have to get this campaign
back on the track.
-Like that.

-Hey, no, no, no, no, no.
No, not like that. Like this.
See here, come here.

Now, hold like that.
Okay, go ahead. Yeah.

We just have to dispel
any suggestion that you and I
are in any way intimate.

I'll stir.

Uh, I'll get you the butter
or oil, or whatever it is
we people use.

Angela,
this is ridiculous now.

We're over-reacting.
Things aren't even normal
around here anymore.

No, I know, you're right.
You know, people in
this neighborhood know us.

They're not going to
fall for this.

They've probably forgotten
about it already.

That's right.

Ah, here they are.
The decadent duo.

Did you know that you two
have been spotted in the
cemetery?

Romping naked
in the moonlight?

The last thing we need
right now is more gossip.

Oh. Even if it is
about Joanne Parker?

Dish it out, Mona.

Well, it seems that her
pool man visited her
four times last month.

So?

So, she hasn't got a pool.

All right, Mona. All right.

Now, we got her, we got her.

And I'm gonna
show her what mudslinging
is all about.

-She'll rue the day she raked
your muck.

-Ooh.
-Sorry to rain on your parade,
but we can't use it.

Why not?

Because two wrongs
don't make a right.

What about three wrongs?

We are going to win
this election fair and square.

Well, that's the hard way.

It's the only way.

Well,

let me know if you
want to hear about Joanne
and Don the dry cleaner.

When she drops her clothes off

so does he.

Angela, Angela. Are you sure
we can win this election
without using that stuff?

Absolutely.

I hope you're right, Angela.
Gee, I want this.

I want this. I mean...

You know, this place has been
really good for Sam, you know?

And I would like to give
something back.

I mean, these are good people
here. They're good people.

Oh, eh.

Oh, my stars.

You see them too?

Who did that to you?
Who gave you that shiner?

Some creeps at the park.
They were bugging us.

So we popped them one.

Jonathan.

Well, actually,
Sam popped them.

I kicked them
when they were down.

All right, young lady.
Now, what did I tell you
about fighting?

Lead with my left.

You know what I mean.

They deserved it.

They've been
riding us all day.

About what?

Just your basic stuff.

Mom, are you and Tony doing
something wrong?

Absolutely not, sweetheart.

That's what Sam told them.

Right before she made them
eat dirt.

It's, uh...
I don't believe
it's gone this far.

Yeah, hey, look, kids.
Go wash up for dinner.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

Oh, darn.

That kid's tooth chipped
my nail polish.

He'll pay for that one.

All right. I don't believe it.
I mean...

It's one thing to pick on us,

but they're picking
on the kids.

All right, look, you're
my campaign manager.

What do you think I should do?

Tony, Angela,
no hard feelings, I hope?

We all want what's best
for the kids.

Yeah, sure, Joanne.

Joanne,
that's a lovely blouse.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, Joanne, who does
your dry cleaning?

Don Simpson. Why do you ask?

Oh, well, I'm just looking
for a new place.

I understand that Don
has the best one-hour service
in town.

Attention, may I have your
attention please?

It's time to
elect our new president.

Wendy. Um...

I have something to
say and, uh...

I got to say it before the
election.

Uh, point of privilege.

Point of what?

Is that really a thing?

I hereby withdraw
from the election.

MAN: What?

Never mind.

Do you want to tell us why?

No.

I'll tell you why.

No, Angela, please.
It's over. Forget it.

I don't want to forget it.

Tony Micelli has been living
with me for almost
two years now.

But, I see you all know that.

But what you may not know
is that this man is a fighter.

He's never run away from
a fight in his life.

And I just saw him resign.

And I ask you why?

Do you want us to guess?

Tony Micelli moved here

so that his daughter could
have the benefits
of growing up

in a great community
like ours.

But now she's being
teased and tormented by
this smear campaign.

A campaign that is utterly
without foundation

or truth.

Really? You mean there's
nothing between you two?

Yes, there is.

There's friendship.

And there's respect.

And caring.

But nothing good?

This community needs
a man like Tony Micelli.

Angela, it's too late,
he's already dropped out
of the race.

Well, that's our loss.

Because he's the finest
man I know.

And I trust him

with the most precious thing
in my life.

My son.

And she lets him drive her
Jaguar too.

He is the best thing that ever
happened to Jonathan.

He's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And he is the best thing that
could ever happen to
this Parents' Association.

I re-nominate Tony Micelli for
president.

I re-second the nomination.

Let's hear it
for Tony Micelli.

Angela.

That was... That was
beautiful. I mean...

I thought I'd have to be dead
to hear things like that
said about me.

It was a nice speech,
wasn't it?

Wait a minute.

You were the one

who talked me into resigning.

Oh, was I?

You did that
so you can get their attention

and then you could make
this big speech, huh?

What's a campaign strategist
without a strategy?

I'm just glad that they went
for it before I had to sing
God Bless America.

Huh, uh. Gee, I...

I don't know if I've mentioned
this to you, Angela, but...

You've got a lot of oomph.

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

♪ God bless America

♪ Land that I love

♪ Stand beside her
and guide... ♪

TONY: Who's the Boss?
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Hey, Angela. We really did it,
didn't we?

Yeah, we really did.

Yeah, you know...

All that stuff you said about,
uh,

you know, me being the best
thing that's ever happened
to the Parents' Association?

Yeah.

You know, and about, uh,

me being the best thing
that's ever happened to
Jonathan?

Yeah.

And, uh,

about me being, uh,

the best thing
that's ever happened to you?

Did I say that?

I think I heard you, yeah.

Well, that was just all
part of the campaign.

That's what I thought.