03x09 - Whole Lotto Trouble

[bunniefuu]

Those were tonight's numbers,

But still no winners.

Our next drawing will be worth over $. Million.

Told you I don't play.

Dag. Another $. Worth of tickets down the drain.

$.?

Try .

That was my haircut money.

Wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all.

You know what? Y'all k*ll me.

Y'all ain't going to win no lottery.

Tommy, you got a better chance of growing a shag.

Shut up.

Right back through here, o.k.?

Pam, you know damn well

You need to be saving your money

To get yourself out of that kennel.

Cole, you got a better chance of flipping janet jackson.

Oh, really? Is that the word on the street?

Lottery machine now open-- $. Million.

[Pam] move out of my way!

Hey, baby.

Lookee here, how about loaning a brother a dollar?

Didn't you hear what I just said about the lottery?

Yeah. Damn the lottery.

I'm going to call janet jackson.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

What were those numbers again?

-----.

All right.

That's what friends are for.

All right. Bye.

Who were you talking to?

Dionne warwick from the psychic hot line.

She was giving me my lucky numbers.

She said somebody put roots on me.

Know what? This lotto stuff

Is driving you crazy.

Dionne said you would say that.

For real?

You should've seen me! I was here.

I was shaking 'em just like jordan, gina!

And we retired him, just like jordan.

Did you get the tickets?

Here ya go.

I can't believe you're still playing the lottery.ery.

Oh, laugh now, little man.

You're going to be even smaller

When I'm looking down at you from my penthouse.

When I get this money, you ain't getting nothing.

Nada.

Jack!

Brother, a man is only as big as his dreams.

Keep hanging out with pam,

All your dreams are going to turn to nightmares.

Y'all keep talking about winning the lottery.

Tommy, what would you do if you won?

Quit your job? Oops! My bad!

Oh! Yeah. That's good.

He ain't got no job.

Hey, girl, now I know why we're together,

'Cause we're here, gina.

We're seeing eye to eye.

Psyche, tommy! Dang.

No, seriously, I mean...

Cole, you wouldn't know what to do with . Mil.

I'd give half to moms...

Half to big shirley.

Other half I'd keep for myself.

How y'all sound, man.

You can't get something for nothing.

This is america.

If you want something, you got to work hard for it.

My baby's right. When he's right, he's right.

Y'all better listen to my man.

Let me take one more jab.

Ain't no such thing as a free ride.

Pam, you should know that most,

As much as you charge them kids

To trot you around the park.

All right, everybody, get your tickets out.

Tonight's the big night.

Nipsey, the tips tonight are great.

So I don't have to pay you this week.

Yeah, it works out for us both, huh?

Maybe I should've bought some more tickets, huh, tommy?

You know, y'all are bugging.

You're throwing away all your hard-earned money.

I'm really glad you stuck to your principles

And didn't get involved in this.

, , . Make me some money.

I thought you said we weren't involved.

No, I said I'm glad youdidn't get involved,

But if I win, I'll break you off a piece.

Fine. There's nothing left for me to say but good luck.

O.k. I see how you want to play it now, martin.

He want to wish us good luck.

We see right through you!

You want to get next to the winner

So you don't miss out.

Let me tell you something, tommy.

I know the value of a dollar.

I buffed floors. What else?

I delivered mail.

I even worked at hoochie burger

Flipping burgers, tommy. O.k.?

I represent the working man.

I don't have money to throw away.

Here goes the numbers.

Tonight's winning numbers are ...

"."

...

"."

...

"."

And .

Dang! I don't believe this.

Once again.

All your hopes, all your dreams gone!

Down the drain.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

Whoo whoa whoa!

Whoo whoa whoa!

Whew!

Oh h*!

Ah ha!

Martin, what is going on?

Aah! Whaa!

I won!

I played one ticket,

And I won the lottery!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

He won!

My baby won!

My baby--

My baby won!

Oh!

Baby!

Baby!

Yes, monsieur, monsieur to you, too.

Listen, home shopping channel,

Give me two of everything.

I want a gold pool stick,

The speed boat, all that.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Ouch!

How long have you been doing this?

Don't forget to get that stairmaster for big shirley.

Yeah. Give me a stompmaster for big shirley.

Yeah, all right,

And I want it delivered right away.

Thank you! All right!

Ahh.

Ooh whoo!

Let me see. Let me take a look.

Mmm!

Ahh! Yeah! I like it. I like it.

See? Ain't got the dirt up under the nails.

Nasty. Let me take care of you.

Yeah, yeah, cool. I'm there.

Wow. Got my ear.

Get me by the ear? O.k.

Take a little. Get on out of here.

Thank you. I appreciate this.

Y'all may want to be on standby.

Later on I might need a shape-up.

Yo, what's up now?

Lookee here. Give it here.

All right now?

Why don't we go back to our old high school...

And buy it?

You know what I'm saying?

That's funny, but you know what?

I ain't got time.

I ain't got time in london, paris, or africa.

Boom...

Chaka la!

Boom chaka laka!

Hi, babe.

Martin, where did you get all this stuff?

Just went out and bought me a little something something.

I can't believe you're spending money we don't even have yet.

Gina, that's money in the bank.

What is you talking about?

I'm a millionaire.

If I want something,

They just put it on my tab.

Don't worry. On monday I get pizz-zaid.

That's right, boy. Come monday,

We're going to be pizz-zaid.

Cole, cole.

I said i...

Not we. O.k.?

Get the sugar daddy out your ear.

Right here?

Yes.

All right.

Sweetheart, I just think we need

To slow down a little.

Let's pay for the wedding

And save the rest for a rainy day.

O.k., Cool. Cool. You're right.

I guess I better take back what I bought you.

You don't need this.

No. I'm going to throw that away.

No, you don't want it.

Look at you, huh?

Oh, martin.

Oh, baby!

A cashmere coat?

That's right.

Sweetie!

And donna karan shoes!

Oh, these are bad, martin!

Well, I don't know if they're donna karan

Or don king or don cornelius.

But it's all good, gina.

It's all good, and it's all yours.

Martin, baby.

Yeah, baby?

Pick up your other shoe.

Yeah.

Those are donna karan!

You don't let one shoe stay on the floor.

You got both of them.

Baby!

Yeah, baby?

What I meant to say is we're rich!

We're rolling, baby!

That's what I'm telling you.

Whazzup?

Look at you looking as good as you want to look!

I understand. I like it.

What's happening?

What's happening?

Oh! You and the gym, bro.

Ouch!

Did I hurt you?

Well, then, get off me.

How you doing, scrappy doo?

Scrappy doo. Did you hear what he called me?

Scrappy doo!

I love it when you call me scrappy doo!

Want me to do another one?

Please do it.

In this ear.

What you doing here, nappy longstocking?

Say...

You're all right.

Get on. Get on.

Ohh!

Ha ha!

So, did you get the check yet, bro?

Not yet,

But when I do,

I'll be sure to invest in you.

Oh, really?

Sure. A fine clydesdale like you.

I'll have you in the derby in no time.

Just buckin'. Ride 'em.

Buckin'! Ride 'em!

Yahoo! Yahoo!

Martin.

Yeow!

Martin.

All in there.

Would you stop it?

No, no, no. That's o.k., Gina.

That's o.k.

I love it when he's like this.

I'll be over here.

I test-drove those cars like you wanted.

I think I like the ferrari best.

What? How's the engine?

Is it varoom varoom?

Better than that. Varoom varoom!

O.k., Well, uh, you want you a ferrari?

I say you want you a ferrari?

Hell, yeah, I want me a ferrari!

All right. Well, I'll tell you what.

You go get me one.

You going to get you a ferrari.

Ahem! Ahem!

Aw, cole, you want you a ferrari, too?

Sure, you right.

All right! Everybody gets ferraris.

My boys get ferraris.

Oh, oh, my bad.

Now, you know big shirley ain't going to fit in no ferrari.

You know what?

We could drop the top, grease her sides,

And slide her right in.

Yes! All right. Cool.

I'm with that. That's cool.

Now that I have everybody here,

I got something for you.

Gather up!

Now, don't crowd him.

Don't crowd him.

Somebody dab me.

I'm hot. O.k.

O.k.

Sit down. Easy, easy, easy.

Give me a little room.

No, you can slide in.

It's just your breathing was on my neck.

Come on in.

Everybody, sit on back.

I'm going to tell you like this.

I shouldn't give y'all nothing

After the way y'all treated me in nipsey's.

No, no, no. That was tommy.

No, not me.

See, when y'all thought

Y'all was going to win the lottery,

That's when y'all starting treating me all nasty.

No!

No, no. It's all right.

That's my man!

All right. Don't fight.

Don't fight. Don't fight.

Now, all right.

I'm a bigger man than that.

I'm putting that out of my head.

And--and--and very good-looking,

Might I add?

That was good, pam.

Well, you may add that.

Now, they say money can't buy friends.

No. No.

No. Money's known as the root of all evil.

But guess what I say.

I say they lie.

They damn lie!

Hell, yeah, they lie!

No way do they care.

I want to give y'all something,

And I want to do this in random order.

So here we go.

I'm going to take it out here.

No, past you.

Out here and--eeh-- tommy!

All right! All right.

O.k.

All right.

What is it?

Oh, my damn.

A check for $,!

Whoo!

Whoo!

I don't-- I don't know what to say, man...

Except what time the bank close?

Let me go, woman!

See y'all later!

O.k.

Me, now.

It's me.it's me.

No, you need to calm down.

We go here.

Aah! Aah!

Yeah.

Whoo!

Oh, whew!

This is my biggest payday ever.

I ain't seen this many zeros

Since big shirley stepped on the scale.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Whoo!

You know what?

I know that we've had discrepancies in the past,

But this is so good

To have you as a friend.

Girl, go ahead.

You didn't.

You been with my woman.

That's so nice of you.

Yeah, but it's for her.

You didn't.

No, you didn't!

What is this?

Let me see it.

"A gift certificate good for one week

At mr. Maurice's house of body waxing"?

Martin, how could you?

What you mean, how could i, gina?

All right, it's pam.

That's well over $, worth of work.

Look up under the neck.

See? They got the--

Get off me. Get off me!

Whoa! Damn.

All the money in the world ain't going

To make me kiss up to you anymore.

Tommy! Tommy!

See you later, you little paratrooper.

Baby, I don't know about this.

I don't want our friends to feel alienated.

What, gina?

No, baby, it ain't like that.

Look. Cole. Cole.

Are you alienated?

No.

I'm a baptist.

Where have you been? You are late.

I'm late because I got it like that.

Don't you push me, martin.

Woman, why would I push you?

I'm not trying to get no hernia.

That's it.

You are done at channel .

Oh. Well, frankly, it don't make me no never mind.

Tomorrow I collect my riches.

Now, leave me alone,

Looking like a chia pet in glasses.

Who are you talking to?

With that jacket you got at the salvation army.

Don't you talk to me!

Hi.

Hi, mrs. Rodriquez.

Hi.

Martin, wh...

What is all this about?

Oh, that's just bernice.

Oh, mrs. Rodriquez?

I rolled up on a lot of money.

Yeah, yeah, mrs. Rodriquez, I won the lottery! Yeah!

You won the lottery?

I'm rich!

That's terrific!

Now--oh!

Whoa. Whoa!

Hey, whoa!

That's my money, not your money.

That's my money.

Mrs. Rodriquez, I got to tell you,

I owe you.

You took a chance on me when I was a*s out.

If you will have me,

I want to collect my $. Million

Right here on channel .

Oh, I like that.

I'm going to call the lottery people right now.

Ooh, the common man accepting his millions on the job.

That's right. See, I won't forget my roots.

I'm a simple man. I'm a common man.

No, money won't change me.

Money won't change me at all.

Oh, I know.

Martin payne entourage coming through!

Coming through!

[For the love of money plays]

Hello, people.

Yeah, what's happening?

All right. What's happening?

Let me help you down here.

Watch the step. Come on, baby.

Hello.

Yeah!

What's happening?

Hi!

Baby?

Yeah?

They're jocking us.

Don't worry about it.

Get used to it, gina,

'Cause it's all part of being rich.

Now I know what oprah goes through every day.

Pose, baby, pose.

Snap the flicks.

Who of y'all is putting us in jet?

What do ya think?

All right. Bye-bye now.

Baby? Baby, time to go.

I got to go.

Watch your step.

Gina.

This is the moment we've been waiting for.

We're getting ready to get paid.

Don't be nervous.

Cash rules everything around me.

Dollar, dollar bill! Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

Something most unusual happened here today.

I'm happy to announce the biggest tie ever

In the history of the lottery!

Biggest tie? Biggest tie?

A -way split!

Congratulations to you all!

No, no,no!

Wait a minute!

What--what does this mean?

It means you get a big, fat $ a year,

Before taxes, chia pet. Ha!

You still living large?

Well, here's your slice of the american pie.

And next?

Oh, I'll tell you what's next.

Your a*s-whupping is next!

Oh, yeah!

Somebody give me my money!

Aah!

My money!

Give me my money!

Well, look. I'd appreciate that.

Yeah, well, she didn't mean it.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Bye.

Baby, that was the lottery man.

He's going to drop the charges.

Good, good, good.

He said he understands.

People just get like that

When a lot of money's involved.

I went off.

He said his neck a little sore, but...

He'll put some mercurochrome or something on it.

Whew.

Baby, so, how did we make out, honey?

O.k. Well, uh...

Let's see. Let's see.

I took back the stairmaster, the pool table,

The motorcycle,

Elephant man's bones...

I'm going to call michael

And see if he wants to buy those back.

Other than that, I'd say...

We still about $, in the hole.

Ouch.

Ouch, ouch.

But you know what?

I'm not going to hang my head low.

We just got to make our millions the hard way.

I ain't going to hang my head down.

At least we got to be millionaires for the day.

We felt what it was like.

Keep the head up. Put it up.

Don't let nobody drop it.

I'm not.

I love you.

Keep your head up.

I will.

We not going to hang our head down.

No, we not.

Let me see how you put your head up.

Up! Keep it up.

[Crying]

[Crying]

Martin, is everything all right out there?

Yeah!

Everything's fine, baby!

And you?

I'm fine!

Me, too!

Ouch.

Ouch!

Ouch! No money. No money. Ooh!