03x16 - Ain't Nuttin' Goin' on But the Rent

[bunniefuu]

[Singing]

♪ I don't want to be your baby ♪♪

Still trying to fix that hot water pipe?

I got this. It's a rough one,

But you want to dig on it.

What do you know about plumbing?

What do you mean?

I know I got to fix this 'cause the landlord won't.

I asked him to fix this three weeks ago.

He ain't fixed jack.

Why are you always sweating mr. Lopez?

He's a nice man.

He's probably busy with all his other tenants.

Just chill, my brother.

I'm taking my shower

If somebody call me.

Why you going to play me?

You know no regular-sized shower cap fit that head.

You know that.

No, no, no, girl.

Go on with this.

Put that over your head.

Put that around like that.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

By.

You got the pressure tape on there.

Would you be careful?

I am being careful,

But you got to press your tape, see?

You are pushing too hard.

I'm keeping the hawk from coming in,

Or the cold gonna be all up in your neck.

Oh!

Martin!

You done let the hawk in here.

Give me that. I'll stuff it.

You're trying to turn the tables.

You did it.

You did it.

Oh, whoo!

Cole, whazzup?

Whazzup?

Whazzup, man?

There's a storm coming out there, man.

It's freezing!

Got some hot chocolate?

Yeah. Gina went shopping. It's in there.

Make yourself at home.

No. This is your week to shop.

You were supposed to go shopping after work.

You were supposed to go. This was your week.

We had discussed alternating weeks.

O.k., What--whatever.

So basically, what you're saying is,

You ain't got no food.

Gina didn't go shopping,

And she's breaking windows, man.

[Knock on door]

I guess I got to get the door.

Trying to make me feel like I'm mr. Belvedere!

What's happening?

Whoo! We barely made it here, man.

They're starting to close down the streets.

We're going to have to order a pizza

Because martin forgot to go shopping.

I didn't.

You know, that's not the only thing martin forgot.

Ahh!

What's that?

It's an eviction notice.

It was tacked to your door...loser.

Aah!

Where am I gonna live?

I knew it.

This is all your fault, pam.

They don't want me having pets up in my place!

Get the leash.

You got to go.

Why are they going to evict us?

Didn't you pay the rent?

No. I didn't pay no rent.

Not last month. Not this month.

They be lucky if they get something next month,

Not until the landlord

Does what the landlord supposed to do.

Martin, you haven't paid the rent in two months? Why?

Because he's raising our rent,

And he don't do nothing around here.

I'm on a rent strike.

I ain't paying the .

A lot of things need fixing.

I'm with you there.

I rent struck against mom.

I just told her, "I ain't paying."

What happened?

After the doctors took the shoe out of me,

We came to an understanding.

I paid, but I ain't giving that shoe back.

Yo, gina, please turn up the heat.

It's freezin'.

Baby, there is no heat coming out of the heater.

Mr. Lopez turned off your heat

'Cause you didn't pay your rent.

All right. Look, everybody, stay calm.

All right?

Now, we're all men around here.

There's only one woman up in here,

And that's my baby.

You better be quiet, frosty the short man.

[Stomach growling loudly]

Ooh! Whoa! What was that?

Uh, I'm sorry. That's my stomach.

I'm too hungry to play,

So I'm gonna just watch.

Oh, man!

[Growl]

Oh, man!

It smells like ravioli!

Cole, don't be lettin' no hungry aroma off up in here, man.

One more time, and you're gonna have to roll!

That's just despicable, man!

That--that's nasty, man!

Look, just shuffle the deck, jackass of spades.

[Loud rumbling]

You got to walk! Go on!

But, martin, that wasn't me.

Excuse me.

But I'm hungry, martin. I'm a little hungry!

You my woman!

I'm sorry!

Baby, my mouth was open!

My mouth was open!

Stop bein' so crazy.

I'm--i'm--i'm hungry, too, man!

I can't play no cards!

All right, everybody,

Since we're stuck here, let's just order something, o.k.?

Now, there's a pizza place

About four blocks from here,

But the only person that can make it in this blizzard

Is the abominable snow-pam.

Why can't you go, martin?

We could get a rubber band and fling your little a*s.

We need some poor soul who doesn't know any better.

[Chanting]

I--i--i mean...

I--i--i mean some-- some brave soul

Who's used to working

In this rugged kind of weather

To go get our pizzas.

Uh-uh! No!

Get out! Get out!

You ain't gettin' me to go!

Tell him about what's gonna be on it.

Pizza, cole!

I mean anchovies...

Ooh!

Pepperoni...

No! No! No!

Onion!

I'm sorry.

Uh, bell peppers...

Uh--uh, extra cheese...

Mushroom! Mushroom!

You ain't gonna make me do it!

Hey, c-carl, carl,

Y-you don't even have to use your own money.

You hear him, cole?

Y-you don't even have to use your own money.

Come on, man.

[Stomach] time to roll, cole.

I'll go!

All right!

That's my boy!

Yeah! Go get it!

So tell me what you want.

We want a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

Get a move on. They close in minutes.

So you're really dependin' on me for this, huh?

Hey, man!

Are we dependin' on you?

Man, it's been about you for the longest...

Hey, who's it about?

It's about you, cole! You was always the man!

Why don't you just go get it?

I'm the man, huh?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

You're the man!

I'm goin'!

Go, cole!

Go on, cole!

It's about you, cole! I admire that boy!

Think he gonna make it?

In this blizzard?

Ain't no way in hell.

I'm hungry. Where's cole with these pizzas?

Stop pullin'!

[Knock on door]

That might be cole!

Hold on, man!

Yeah?

What's happenin', chief?

What's happenin', james? What's up?

You know my sales slogan--

You want it, I got it.

If I ain't got 'em, I'm gonna get it,

So get it while the gettin's...good.

Hustle man's out here in this kinda weather...

Whatchoo sellin', hustle man?

I got somethin' you gonna dig.

I got a special on free range chicken.

What the hell is free range chicken, man?

For me, it was free.

For you, it's gonna cost in the range of $.

Man's got damn hens on a branch.

We're not buyin' no damn barbecued pigeons, man!

We don't want none!

Just one, please?

Martin, those look good!

Of course.

That's my special sauce.

I made it with pork and bean juice.

See, what it is,

You got to marinade it for three-to-two days.

Really?

Yeah.

So you marinade it for...

Yeah.

So do you use honey?

No. That's passé.

We use molasses now.

Molasses?

Yeah 'cause it's thicker.

Man, you get your seagull-sellin' a*s

On up outta here, man!

Step, man!

It's your loss, chief!

Your loss!

It's cold in here.

What, you ain't paid your rent?

Y'all sittin' there tryin' to buy

Three of them damn chickens--pigeons on a branch, man!

Y'all know where he got that!

Stuck it right through the pigeons!

Martin, cole's been gone for over an hour, man.

Pam, take your claw out of the glove please

And turn on the radio.

I got it, pam.

Stop startin' with me, martin.

Snow drifts are up to feet high.

All major roads are closed.

In other words,

If your a*s ain't home, ya better git there 'cause I'm out.

Look out the window and see if you see cole.

[Martin] I don't need this.

[Gasps]

The snow's already up to the fourth floor!

How could the snow be up to the fourth floor?

But it is!

I'm goin' out there!

I'm gonna find my boy cole!

He put his life on the line for us, man!

Martin, be careful.

Listen, girl!

I don't come back...

I'm somewhere in the damn snow!

All right?

Who wants to get the pizza?

Get the pizza!

All right!

We're gettin' ready to munch!

Oh!

We got to be smart about this

'Cause we gonna be here a minute.

We got one bottle of... Water.

One can of creamed corn.

We got half a tube of toothpaste.

Tommy, whatcha got, bro?

I--i found a peanut in the coat.

Put it down here.

Bring the peanut right here.

Now we gettin' somewhere.

Pam, how much food you got stored up in your cheeks?

I know she got food 'cause...

That's very funny, martin.

I'm sure you have some lucky charms

Somewhere hidden on you, little leprechaun.

Yeah.

They're magically delicious!

I'm gonna tell you, girl.

All right?

Don't tell her, martin! It's all your fault, man!

Why don't you pay your rent like anybody else?

What did I say to you, man?

I am not payin' the !

I ain't payin' no rent increase!

If y'all don't like it,

You two can match up and leave!

Oh, trust me, we would if we could,

But we can't

Because we're snowed in, jiminy cricket!

We gotta ration the water.

Everybody gets a capful.

O.k.

All right, hold on. Hold on.

Got your cap there.

Got a splash there. Splash.

Gina, come on, get your water.

Don't forget about the brothers who ain't here.

Whatchoo doin', man?

We are about to be the brothers who ain't here!

Gimme the water.

Gimme the water!

Gina, come on, baby, come get your capful.

Mm-mmm.

What you mean uh-uh?

You gotta drink water, baby. Come on.

Mm-mmm.

You gonna get dehydrated.

Now come on.

Martin, look. She's hidin' some food in her mouth.

What? Wait a minute.

[Mumbling]

"Mm-mmm" my a*s.

Crumbs on your cheek.

What's it, gina?

Your man needs you to whistle.

[Whistling]

Blow it.

I can't help it. I gotta eat!

I'm feelin' lightheaded.

[Everybody yelling]

Hold on! Hold on!

All right, hold on!

Back up off my baby!

Did not!

All right, now hold on!

Ain't nobody puttin' my baby out in the cold.

That's right!

Unless she don't give up on the crackers.

[Everybody yelling]

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Hold on.

Lopez! It's lopez!

Tell him we're going to pay him.

That would be best, right?

Yeah!

Lopez!

We ain't payin' ya jack!

Aah!

Get your fingertips up here.

Your fingertips.

Ah-choo!

Damn it, cole!

That was the last match, and you got snot on me, man!

What do you expect?

It's below out there.

All you can do is catch a cold!

Just gimme my space!

I don't need you, either!

I'm fine.

Look at that head on tommy...

Lookin' like a big old milk dud.

He better not go to sleep,

Or I'm gonna get my grub on.

These clowns thought they had me.

I got three tic-tacs and a packet of soy sauce

Stashed in my purse.

That'll teach them to make fun of my head.

Truth be told,

I don't have a big head.

[Echoing] head...head...head...

Tommy sure is crazy about me.

Look at him.

He can't stop lookin' at me.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Lord, pam sure got a big rump roast on her.

Whew! It's big, all right.

But I don't eat no damn swine.

[Knock on door]

Y'all...that may be... Somebody.

Hold on.

Sorry brother couldn't come through the window, martin.

There's a few snow flurries out there.

Brother man, we ain't got no food,

If that's what you came down for.

Wait. We got some fuzzy bread

With some nasty green mold on it.

Shucks...

Y'all just don't know how to eat.

I'll scrape the mold right off it.

Sho'nuff have me a wish sammich.

What's a wish sandwich, brother man?

Wish I had some meat to go up on it.

I'm off.

Catch y'all on payday.

Damn...

Sho wish I had me some milk duds.

I ain't gonna make it! This ain't gonna happen!

I got somethin' to tell you.

If y'all have to eat me,

Just save some pieces for my mother to recognize me.

I ain't tryin' to have no damn filet of cole!

Martin, just go up there and pay lopez the rent.

Aw, baby, look, keep your money.

I'm gonna go talk to him, all right?

I'll see if I can negotiate with him,

Talk eye-to-eye.

Eye-to-eye?

Aren't you gonna need a stool?

I'm gonna use the same stool I used

When I milked you, elsie.

[Fan motor starts]

Oh...y'all...

What's that?

I think that's-- it's the heat!

The heat's comin on!

Hey, the water's on!

Look! It's hot!

Martin must have paid the rent.

Hey! Baby! Did you pay the rent?

No.

Did you see mr. Lopez?

Oh, I saw all of him.

He's down in mrs. Jackson's apartment,

But mr. Jackson ain't home.

[Banging on door]

Ooh! Ha ha!

Mr. Lopez, how you doin'?

Hey!

Martin, mi amigo...

Hey! Hey!

Martin, look...

Uh, I know what it looked like,

But don't let your eyes fool you, o.k.?

I was only fixing mrs. Jackson's pipes.

Oh...well, I guess mr. Jackson's

Gonna be glad to hear about the pipework ya been at.

Martin, now that we're talking man-to-man,

I would like mr. Jackson to stay out of this.

Well, maybe you should stay out of mrs. Jackson.

I turned everything on like you wanted.

[Speaking spanish]

...comfortable!

Oh-whoa!

Cool. Then, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna pay the back rent,

But I'm not payin' the increase.

I can't pay the .

Well, I was thinking .

I was thinking .

Estamos aquí. Me and you, baby.

What did you say? Aquí?

Yeah!

Ricky-ky!

[Gina] oh, baby!

Wait till mr. Jackson get home.

We didn't even have to pay the whole increase.

Glad you got your stuff turned back on.

I just stood up for what I believed in.

I don't blame you.

I don't believe them

Trying to raise your rent $.

Man, if it had been $, I'd have moved.

Well, % is still a little steep.

It is a lot of money.

%? Are ya crazy?

Girl, we talkin' $..

What?

What? Martin?

You...

You put us through all of this

For lousy dollars?

That's cheap, man!

You short and you stingy!

I froze my butt off for $.?

I don't like the way

The barrage is comin' at me.

It's like the wrath is comin' down on me!

You know what?

I'll be a man! Be a man!

I been waitin' to say this all year.

And I'm gone say it, and this is a good time!

Get to steppin'!

Step...

Damn!

No. As cold as it is out there,

I ain't goin' nowhere!

Oh, you ain't gonna step out, huh?

You ain't gonna step out?

Well, hustle man got burgers!

[Banging on door]

You gotta let us in there, martin!

Stop playin'! I live here, too!

You live out there right now!

Martin!

What?

♪ The...audience ♪

♪ Is... ♪

♪ Listening ♪

Perfect. Perfect.

♪ The-the-the the-the-the audience ♪♪

Didn't y'all ever see that in the movie theaters?

Where they go, "the audience is listening"?

Naw!yeah. Yeah.

What's that brother talkin' about "naw"?

There would be one brother-- "naw, I ain't seen that."