03x23 - Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

Baby, come on, get dressed.

We'll be late for the play.

You know how excited I am.

Monique, my oldest friend, is coming to visit.

This is us on senior beach day.

That's her in that skimpy-a*s bathing suit?

Did she say her name was monique

Or mofreak?

Gotta get the groove on!

Gina, come on.

Everybody's trying to see this hit play,

Mama, I can't sing worth a damn.

It's been sold out for months. Let's go.

Hold on, montel.

Don't be bum-rushing my lady.

That goes for you and the horse you rode in on.

Pam, pam, look, look.

I found some more pictures of monique.

I'll look at the pictures later.

I'll meet her when she get here.

Who is this monique?

Tommy, you've never heard of monique taylor,

The motivational speaker?

That monique taylor?

Oh...i've read her book so real.

That sister is deep! Ha ha...

Hey, pam, now, don't even try.

When monique comes, I want us all to be the best of friends.

That's right, pam...

'Cause gina's going to need a few new friends.

Hanging around with you, she's picking up your bad habits,

And I can't take all the barking in the house.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

Ah, here, baby. That's the look you want?

That's it, baby.

Excuse me.

Looks delicious.

Uh-uh. Don't touch that.

What's wrong with you?

Gina don't want nobody touching this until monique gets here.

Calm down. You're going to get the table scraps.

At least I don't need telephone books to reach the table,

Eddie smurfy.

[Knock on door]

She's here. Get the door.

I'm not going to have her talking like that.

Gigi!

Momo!

Aah!

I love your hair!

Mercy! You look so great!

I know!

It's so good to see you.

Well, anybody going to introduce

Niquie-lick to old marty-mar?

Baby, baby, I'm sorry.

Monique, this is my fiancé martin.

Oh. Oh, you got double kiss for marty-mar, huh?

Just something I picked up in france.

Well, sh**t, let me think...

Uh, bop, bop.

That's something I picked up from around the way.

Lets you know that we cool.

This is one of our good friends, tommy.

[Speaking french]

Oh, well, coupe de ville and suki-suki, y'all.

So, tommy, you been to france?

Oh, france, spain, england, you know.

I get around.

Around where?

Huh? Oh--no, you know.

Just a figure of speech, dear.

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

Monique, my detroit homegirl pam.

Pam, my home homegirl monique.

How you doing, monique?

All right, y'all sit together!

So, gina, you ready for the big wedding?

Let me see the ring.

Heh heh, go ahead, baby.

Slide that rock. Show her the rock.

Lead with the left.

I picked it out.

What do you think?

It's so cute.

Look at that little diamond.

Uh, what you mean, "that little diamond"?

What...

I got a big damn receipt in the back.

Don't, baby.

Baby, no, no.

Monique is just playing.

Girl, you crazy. Just stop it.

You know, I am so proud of you.

You've really made it.

Thanks, gina.

Success is nice, but like my book says,

It's what's in here that counts.

Keep it real. That's what I am.

Hey, hey. 'Cause I believe in that.

Keep it real,

And the realness kind of does come back to you.

Gina, your place is so cozy.

Oh, you like it?

I was--you know-- we just redecorated and everything.

In this cute little place,

You two must be on top of each other all the time.

That's right, 'cause that's the way I likes it.

My baby all over me,

'Cause I'm damn sure all over my baby.

So you two were sorority sisters.

Right, tommy. We are sisters for life.

Pam, what sorority were you in?

Well, i--

You was a q-dog, right?

I think your verbal combinations were "woof woof."

What is it y'all--

Shut up.

I don't really know--

I never really joined any sororities.

It wasn't my thing.

Oh, that's too bad.

It's nice you became friends anyway.

What'd she say?

Monique, are you going to be speaking while you're in town?

She ain't stopped speaking since she got to town.

I'm interviewing to host a new talk show.

You say new talk show?

I do a talk show.

You ain't competing with me, are you?

I'm going for a national show,

But it's cute that you were worried.

I ain't going to be too many more cute-cutes, am i?

"I was worried."

Stop it.

She'll grow on you.

Yeah, yeah, like fungus she'll grow on me.

It's getting kind of late.

I probably should get going.

Oh...well, tommy, pam, do you mind taking her?

It's on your way.

Not at all.

I'll catch you later.

Hey, girl, good to see you!

We'll just take her home in our cute little car.

Bye!

Uh, look here, nips,

Give me another round at the table, man.

Got that, brother.

O.k. I appreciate it.

Baby, baby, tell monique about the show.

Oh, o.k.

Well, the show's cool.

Last week--

That reminds me, my interview went really well.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Very, very nice.

So glad the interview went well.

Ahem.

So anyway...

What I was saying--

We had some good people on this year.

We had b.b.--

B.b. And c.c. Wynans.

Oh, we go way back.

Did I mention that?

Four times,

And we've only known you two days.

Um, ahem, I'll--i'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Maybe I have been talking too much.

Really? What makes you say that?

No, monique. We love to hear you talk.

Yeah, yeah. Talking's good.

Communication is always a thing

That will get people to talk back.

O.k., Well, ahem...

Anyway, I had these ex-playboy bunnies one time on the show.

These sisters had--

They're fake. They're really fake.

They should get my book

And learn how to be real.

If I could get a word in edgewise,

I say if you got it, flaunt it.

Mouth almighty, tongue everlasting...

Excuse me?

You know, I think I want to get us some hors d'oeuvres.

Pam, would you please join me?

You need any help?

I'll get some ribs.

I just thought she said, "excuse me."

No. It wasn't like that.

Whoa...

The last thing she really needs is some ribs.

How can she eat animal flesh?

It's fattening, and it's spiritually wrong.

Don't worry about pam.

She'll work that off chasing squirrels.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, that's funny, martin.

Does she stuff nuts in her little cheeks, too?

Whoa, whoa.

You don't know that sister

To be clowning her like that.

If anybody crackin' on pam, let me.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Excuse me.

Gina, baby, can I see you at the bar?

Slide to the bar as I'm rapping.

What's wrong?

Your friend, o.k.?

She's starting to get on my damn nerves.

She been clowning pam since she got here,

And you better recognize--

Give her a chance.

She is really, really sweet, now.

Can you please do me a favor?

Go over and make nice with my friend.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Yeah, I know. I read that in your book.

And that's real. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Uh, look,

We're going downstairs to sh**t pool.

Want to join us?

I love pool.

Teach me some of your trick shots?

You want trick shots,

Talk to my baby pam. She has--

Not interested.

I want to see what you can do.

O.k. Hey, baby...

We're going to sh**t some pool, o.k.?

O.k.

All right.

I'm going to show that trick a shot.

Show her a shot.

Hey, hey, hey...

Martin, I never thought I'd say this,

But monique's more annoying than you.

You ain't got to sweet-talk me.

We can get her out.

What do you want?

I want her out.

We'll hate each other later.

I'm down.

I'm down.

I'm down.

I'm down.

Damn, you got a lot on your mind.

[Knock on door]

[Knock knock knock]

Who this?

It's me--pam.

What's the password?

Open the door, dummy.

That ain't no damn password.

Just open the door!

Stupid.

God.

Good disguise.

I didn't recognize you.

You look like a human being.

Yeah, you look like a normal-sized adult.

Whose shoulders you standing on?

All right, look...

This is what I want--

We got to dig up as much dirt

On monique as we can get.

We'll show gina what time it is with her girl.

Did you bring the night-vision goggles?

Night-vision goggles. Bam.

You look like you got military-style ones, too.

Let me see.

Aah! Whoa!

They got you right up in the thing.

O.k., Did you bring the secret surveillance camera?

Got that--

Zoom lens.

Say "ahh."

Want a pose?

Yeah. Wait. Let me get you.

Naw, naw.

All right, that's for all the brothers on lock-down.

O.k., Now...

Did you bring the new biggie smalls album?

Yeah, I got that.

Right here.

♪ Baby, baby ♪♪

What you need that for?

I lost mine.

This will come in handy.

We got to do this like teamwork, o.k.?

We're partners.

It's like jordan and pippen.

In our case, elroy and astro.

Shut up, boy.

Come on, let's go.

Watch your back.

O.k. I got yours, you got mine. Slip 'n' dip.

O.k. I got yours, you got mine. Slip 'n' dip.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Girl, I haven't shopped this much since college.

When I move back to detroit,

I'll whip you into shape.

There's my baby.

Hey, baby.

Give me my luscious. What's happening?

Oh, the french one. Is that it?

What's up, monique? Keeping it real, I hope.

Always.

Look what I bought. Isn't she cute?

That is cute.

Gina, damn!

$ For a doll, baby?

Gina, you could go down on detroit avenue

And get a woman for half that price, baby.

Martin, that doll's an antique.

So? The woman on detroit avenue's

Been there about years, o.k.?

Martin.

All right...

Monique know I was just playing with her.

That's a little jokey-joke.

Just keeping it real.

I knew she'd grow on you.

Yeah. She real cool.

Monique, I was wondering,

How would you like to come on my show?

That would be great!

Martin can introduce you to all of detroit.

I guess it wouldn't hurt

To meet your hip-hop, street-jive audience.

Well, they would love to meet you,

My hip-hop, street-jive audience.

I wouldn't even ask you to come on

If you weren't so--so real.

Oh, I'm real.

I can be down.

Right on, my brother.

Power to the people!

Yeah--yeah, I can dig that.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Fake-a*s angela davis.

So you about ready?

I got the pictures, you got the questions.

Let's put this plan into action.

Hey, you break a leg, monique, o.k.?

Be careful what you ask for.

You just might get it.

Thank you so much for supporting monique like this.

Don't thank me now. Thank me later.

So, monique, you about ready to do this?

This little cable show? Please.

O.k. In...

......

......

[Music plays]

Whenever you can come back

With applause like that,

It makes you want to come back.

Welcome back to word on the street.

My next guest is the author

Of the best-selling book so real.

Give it up for monique taylor.

Yay!

Whoa!

Thanks for having me on, martin.

I'm glad I could have you on, monique.

Monique, tell me and my audience

What makes you such an expert

On how to be... So real.

It's the way I live my life.

Stay true to yourself, and you can't go wrong.

All right.

Yeah, girl.

Yeah, I hear you, sister monique.

Like you said in your book,

I am a supernatural woman.

I don't need no makeup.

Hell, half the time,

I don't even brush my teeth.

Work it, girl. Don't brush those teeth.

Thanks for reading my book.

It says here in chapter three,

"The body is a temple."

Explain why the body would be a temple.

I'm a vegetarian, and I don't believe

In eating any kind of meat.

All right!

All right!

So you're into fruits and vegetables?

Yes, absolutely.

But if it's like "my bologna has a first name,"

You don't mess with it?

Never.

You like your fruits and your vegetables.

Well, how do you explain

This big-a*s slab of ribs?

Look at the grease on it.

How do you explain that?

Say it ain't so, mo'.

See, i--

What is martin doing?

I have no idea, gina.

I'm as shocked as you are.

Excuse me.

I have a question for meat-munching monique.

Oh, we going to take some questions from the audience.

Ma'am, what's on your mind? Speak it, tell it.

Hey. How y'all doing?

All right.

Monique, in your book,

You talk about charitable donations.

Whazzup with that?

I believe that giving to charity

Is good for the soul.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, girl.

You're a good-hearted person.

We have a picture

Where you are giving a check

To the real brothers society.

That was a very special moment for me.

Aw, don't-- don't cry,

Because here's another special moment,

Where you're collecting money

From some thick-a*s brother downtown,

Working the boulevards or something.

That's not me. That's not me.

Maybe it's your twin sister skeezin' around town.

She ain't real, y'all! She ain't real!

Look at her,

Collecting the dough.

Isn't it time for a commercial?

Yeah. We'll be right back

With sisters who are living foul.

Look at the money that she collects

As you watch it yourself

With your own vision.

Clear!

Gina, how could you let this happen?

I didn't know anything about this.

Yes, you did-- you and your scrawny little fiancé.

Whoa. Whoa.

Wait. I don't think you want to go talking

About my man, o.k.?

This doesn't surprise me.

I always knew you'd end up with a roughneck.

[Martin] oh.

To hell with you, o.k.?

'Cause I love my roughneck.

Step--just step.

Whoa, whoa.

I don't have time for autographs.

Oh, no, sister. You don't understand.

I paid $ for this book,

And you ain't even real.

I ought to kick your little fake, fancy a*s.

How could you do this to me?

I thought you were so real.

Get over it, 'cause I'm paid, o.k.?

Well, if you're so paid,

Give me back my hair comb that you borrowed.

No! No! No! No!

Whoa.

There's a bald horse in detroit

Freezin' his a*s off right now.

I know what you're going to say,

But we did it for you, baby.

I can't believe monique's such a phony.

I know you think I was jealous,

But she had a snake attitude.

And if anybody knows about snake attitudes,

It's your road dog pam.

Shut up before I flick your a*s back to smaltimore.

I guess we back to normal.

Hell, yeah.

Psych.

Thought she had a friend.

Ha ha ha ha!

Take care, gina.

Bye.

No, don't look at me.

Don't look at me like that, baby. I just wanted to help.

Martin.

Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah?

Martin, monique was my friend.

If anybody should have put her in check,

It should have been me.

Yeah, but you was taking too long.

Well, martin, I would have

Seen through her eventually,

But I'm glad you had my back.

That's what I'm here for, baby. I'm your man.

I'm glad that's what you're here for.

Well, I'm here for more than that,

But we can do a lot of that later.

But if you're ever looking

For your girl monique,

Check it out. Here she is.

Come on out of there, monique!

Come on out of there!

Look at that. Look at that.

[Cough cough]

You o.k.? I got you all choked up.

Get it out. Go on.

[Hacks]

Stop.

Look at her.

Not a real damn strand in the whole thing.

I could knit a sweater with this.

♪ Got to get your groove, boy ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

Hi, man.

Go on.

They just jammin' on that song.

♪ Got to get your groove, boy ♪

♪ Got to get your groove, boy ♪♪

All right, all right. I'm ready.

You know, this is just fun for our audience.