06x04 - Spies Strike Back

[bunniefuu]

[NEIGHING]

Hello, I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse
is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

[ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING]

[WILBUR]
Ed, what are you doing?

Taking a shave.

Taking a shave?

Ed, what's the big idea?

When the president kisses me
for discovering that spy ring,

I don't want my whiskers
to scratch him.

Forget it, Ed.

There isn't even a mention
of it in the papers.

Boy, y-you think
secret intelligence

would award us
some kind of decoration.

Oh, no.
No decorations for me.

Why not?

Where can you pin a medal
on a horse where it won't hurt?

How about in the tail?

Would you wear a medal
on your tail?

You know, Ed, we, uh--
we can be proud of ourselves.

Exposing Kosh's
chow mein joint

as a rendezvous
for spies.

[LAUGHING]
If he only knew

you were gettin' all of
your information from me,

Oat-Oat-Seven.

Yeah.

I wonder
where Kosh is now.

I don't know.
But wherever he is,

I can just
hear him saying:

[SHIVERING]
"I am freezing cold, Derek.

Close the window."

I'm freezing cold.

Derek, close the window.

Kosh, I wish
you'd let me take care

of that smart alec fellow
with the horse.

Nah.

Please, Kosh,
can't I k*ll him?

Just a little bit?

No, I-- I don't like
to tangle with him.

There's something uncanny
about that man.

Something strange.

He seems to know
everything I plan to do

even before I know.

There's only one way
to stop him.

Thank you so much, sir.
Please come back again.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Why shouldn't I k*ll Post?

How do we know
he's not Secret Intelligence?

No.
I checked him out.

He's a struggling
architect,

probably trying to pick up
a few extra dollars.

We take things
from the government

and he takes them from us.

That fellow is nothing
but a common crook.

Yes.

Unfortunately,
spies don't have a union,

so we can't even
throw him out.

Brockman is flying in tonight
from South America.

Now you see
why I want no problem?

Brockman is here
for only one purpose,

to buy the formula
for the rocket fuel.

Unless that Post fellow
takes it from us first.

He seems to know
everything we do.

Just don't k*ll Post.

But if you wish,
you can worry him to death.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[SIGHING]

She's still sore at you
for comin' home late, huh?

Yep.

I wonder why
Secret Intelligence

doesn't want
a man's own wife

to know he's working
for them?

Well, they figure a woman
will be able to keep a secret,

but those 20 gals
she tells it to

in the beauty shop
might not.

I suppose I'll have to go in
and see if she'll forgive me.

Well, in case she don't,

I'll throw some extra straw
on my bed for you.

Thanks, pal.

There's my little doll.

Here I am.

Ready to spend
a nice, cozy evening at home,

just the two of us.

Just the one of us?

[LAUGHS, GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

That's what I like
about you, Carol.

I mean, some wives,
if their husband came home
at 4:00 in the morning,

they would rave and scream
and pull tantrums, but...

not my little girl.
No, sir.

You just sit there
for 3 days, not talkin' to me.

I'd like to know
where you were that night.

Well, look, dear,

I was doing something
that was very important.

I mean, it was--
it was a secret and highly
confidential.

And it's something that
I won't feel sorry for,
for the rest of my life.

Was she blonde
or redhead?

She was bald
and I adore her!

Look, look, Carol,

this favor that I did
for these people,

well, I mean,
it's all over and done with.

And I'll be coming home
nights from now on. Okay?

Okay.

Mm.

[PHONE RINGING]

Mm, mm.

Mm-hmm?

This is Derek.

You and your horse
are going to die.

Uh-- uh, Carol, there's
nothin' to be scared about.

It's just a crank call.

Better get under the couch
and put out the lights.

Wilbur, I don't wanna die.
I'm scared.

Tonight I wanna sleep
between you and Carol.

Take it easy, fella.

You're much bigger
than Derek.

You weigh 1,200 pounds.

And his b*llet only weighs
two ounces, but it's faster.

Now, Ed, we have got
to calm down.

Wilbur, run right down
to Secret Intelligence

and tell Chief Slattery
you and your horse demand
protection.

Ed, we've
got to be brave.

Would you rather
be brave or alive?

[WILBUR]
And that's it. I demand
protection from the S.I.A.

I want an armored car
for myself

and a b*llet-proof vest
for my horse.

You mean for your wife?

If I'd meant my wife,
I'd have said my wife.

They threatened
my horse.

Come on, Post.

Your horse doesn't know
his life has been threatened.

Then why does he want to sleep
between my wife and me?

I mean-- I mean,
he acted like that.

He's a scared horse
and so am I.

I'm a scared man.

Listen, post.

It could be that
Kosh is merely trying
to scare you off.

Well, he succeeded.
[EXCLAIMING]

First thing in the morning,
I'm going down

and buying two plane tickets
for Australia.

Post, I want you to go back
to that Chinese restaurant.

Carol could fly down
and join us later.

Our agents report

that somehow Kosh
has gotten possession

of some highly classified
government information.

Maybe we could go down
to Mexico for two years,

change our names.

We don't know what secret
Kosh has stolen.

We've got to find out
what it is before he tries

to sell it
to another foreign agent.

Africa might be better.

I could put stripes on Ed
and pass him off as a zebra.

Post, I hate to ask you
to tangle with Kosh again.

Then don't.
Don't.

Look, why don't
the two of you burst
into the Flaming Dragon

and arrest
the whole g*ng?

- On what charge?
- Anything.

Chase 'em across the street.
Get 'em for jaywalking.

Now, listen.

The S.I.A. never moves in
unless they can catch
a spy red-handed.

Otherwise we'd never
get a conviction.

So you want me
to go down there

and find out what secret
Kosh has stolen, is that it?

Will you do it?

I could get k*lled.

You could.

I see you're broken up.

Wilbur, what happened?

I send you
for police protection,

and you sign us up
in a suicide club.

Ed, our country
needs us again.

What do you say?
Shall we do this together,
Oat-Oat-Seven?

Well, ok. But this
is my last assignment.

My mother didn't raise
her horse to be a jackass.

Boy, Ed,
you're a true thoroughbred.

I don't know.

Lettin' you talk me into this,
I must be a jackass.

Ah, let me see.

How can I find out
what secret Kosh has
stolen this time?

Easy. Win over
his girlfriend, Mai Ling.

Make love to her.

I can't do that, Ed.
I'm a married man.

What do I know
about love?

You've gotta
force yourself.

Remember, buddy boy,

you'll be smooching
for a stronger America.

Okay, Ed.

Chief said I could pick out
any disguise I like.

Uh, mm.

Hmm.

Brockman's plane
just landed.

He'll be here at midnight
to pick up the formula.

I'm still worried
about that Post fellow.

Instead of scaring him,
I should have used my knife.

Stop worrying, Derek.

I have a feeling we have seen
the last of Mr. Post.

[DOOR OPENING]

Yes, sir?
Do you have a reservation?

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Actually, no.

I just popped in
for a spot of tea,

a spot of chow mein,
a spot of egg roll,

and all that sort of
spotted rot, you know.

Follow me, please.

Certainly.

Walk this way, please.

My dear, I couldn't walk
that way if I tried.

[LAUGHS]

Cheery little bistro
you have here.

I'm quite balmy
about American food,

even if it is Chinese.

Ah, you're a saucy bit
of baggage.

And a baggy bit
of sausage.

Excuse me.

That ridiculous Englishman
is Wilbur Post.

Of course. We spotted him
the moment he came in.

You should have
let me k*ll him.

Do you still want me

to pass the formula
on to Brockman tonight?

It has to be you,
my dear.

And the way you do it,

no one would dream that
you're passing on a message.

[MAI LING]
You have to be a genius

to think up that
method of transmission.

That's true.

I had to fulfill
the one condition
Brockman insisted on,

that there should be no contact
between him and me.

He didn't want
to take any chances.

What about Post?

Shall I k*ll him now?

[KOSH]
Of course.
k*ll him now.

Uh-oh.

[SNORTING]

[WHISPERING]

Good evening,
Mr. Post.

Pip-pip.

Frankly, Mr. Post,

this is hardly up to
your usual high standards.

I would have expected
much more ingenuity from you.

You disappoint me.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Shall we try it over again?

He is all yours, Derek.

Stand back!

This fortune cookie
is loaded.

One false move, I blow us
all to smithereens!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

You think
he's fooling?

No, these married men
don't care if they live or die.

Back! Get back!
Get back!

C'mon, back.
Now turn around.

And you drop that knife.

[LAUGHS]

"This is a good time
to travel."

[HOOVES CLOMPING]

I must never
underestimate that man.

It looks like
a plain fortune cookie.

It is one minute
before midnight.

Where is Brockman?

[DOOR OPENING]

He's here.

You sure you heard right?

How is Mai Ling going to
transmit that formula to
Brockman?

Don't ask me.
I'm just a dumb animal.

Shh, shh.
Listen.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mai Ling.

That must be Brockman,
the fella taking the notes.

But how is she transmitting
the formula to him?

That's how!

Wow. Dig that
crazy transmitter.

Ed, you got
a pencil and paper?

No. And I left
my typewriter home.

I'm just gonna have
to memorize her moves.

One to the right,
that's two to the left.

Well, what's that?

Move the head.

Let's try that
last part again, Post.

Yeah, well, there was
one to the left,

and then there was two
to the right like that,

then a big one
to the left.

And then--
then, uh, well,

then the hands went like this,
see, and as you would
move to the left,

and one to the right,
and then one quick one
to the left,

and then-- and then--
and then her head did that.
Uh...

Ok, chief,
I've got it.

Go on, read it.

"No deal tonight.

jerk watching at window
is Wilbur Post,

government agent."

Sorry, fellas.
I-- I guess I goofed it.

That's all right,
you dance beautifully.

Ed, Mai Ling spotted us
at the window.

We'd better get
out of town fast.

Ed?

Ed?

"Be at the Flaming Dragon
at 2:00 A.M.

Come alone and unarmed

otherwise, you will
never see your horse again.

Sincerely yours,
Kosh."

Kosh, what did you do
with my horse?

Oh, put that knife down,
Derek.

That doesn't scare me.

That does.

If you are a wise man,
Mr. Post, you'll tell me.

How do you get all your
information about everything
I'm planning to do?

That is for me to know
and you to find out.

I guess there's no harm
in two of us knowing.

Now we are
getting someplace.

Go on, talk.

How do you find out
all these things I'm planning?

[SIGNALING]

Uh, I have
magical powers.

I wish you'd stop that, Derek.
You're making us all nervous.

So we have
a mind reader now.

All right,
Mr. Magician,

tell me, what do I
have in my hand?

[SIGNALING]

Uh-- uh,

it's a locket in--
in the shape of a heart.

And there's
an inscription on the back.
It says:

"To Zelda from Tubby."

He's right?

It's a trick.
Just some cheap parlor trick.

That's no trick.

I make things happen.

Watch. I shall now
make it rain.

[BOTH SNICKERING]

That would be magic.

The stars are shining
and the moon is bright.

Abracadabra.

The plains in Spain...

One, two, three,
I command you to rain.

Okay, rain stop.

Rain stop!

Kosh, how does he
do these things?

In California,
it rains anytime.

Make him talk.
Throw another knife.

Kosh, I don't like
his magic tricks.

Tricks, hmm?

Derek,
throw another knife.

All right.
All right.

I gotta do all
the work around here.

Stop that.

No.

[THUMPING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Please!

No more magic, please.

No more magic,
please.

Have mercy on us.

You idiot.
What are you doing?

Here, take this. Please!
Please take this.

Don't move.

[SOBBING]

Well, Kosh,

once again
we have matched wits,

and once again
you have lost.

Now, I want you
to meet my partner,

the source of
all my information.

The one who made it possible
for justice to reign.

Rain?

Mr. Post,

Kosh and his g*ng
are behind bars,

and Mai Ling will never
be able to wiggle

that secret formula
to anyone.

Yeah. It looks like we put
salt on her shaker.

Post, you've got
Secret Intelligence baffled.

Breaking all these
cases single-handed.

Single-handed
plus four hoofs.

[CAROL]
Wilbur?

Oh, hi, Carol.

Carol, I'd like you
to meet Mr., uh...

- Mr. Smith.
- Smith, yes.

And thank you
for your subscription, Mr. Post.

Right, Mr., uh, Smith.

What subscription?

He didn't say.

You mean, you bought
a subscription

without knowing
what it was for?

What's the difference?

We've got all sorts
of magazines now,

we never read 'em.

Wilbur, I still
want to know

where you were
half the night.

Carol, I can explain
everything.

I can clear up all
the trouble between us

if you will just answer
one little question for me.

- Do you trust me?
- Yes.

Good girl.

Well, that was
my question.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse
is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

[MAN]