06x05 - Love and the Single Horse

[bunniefuu]

[ED NEIGHING]

Hello, I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

[PEOPLE
CHATTERING LOUDLY]

- Wilbur, you're a scream.
- Now, look...

I wish Wilbur and his friends
would keep quiet.

With all that noise,
how can a horse write
his diary?

They have noiseless
typewriters.

What this world needs
is noiseless people.

Guess we'd better
go home, Dexter.
It's 12:00.


was waiting for.

Sit down, Wilbur.
Folks, I've got a very
important announcement to make.

Exactly ten years ago,
this gorgeous little creature
became my wife.

- Congratulations!
- Thank you, very much.

- WILBUR: Ten years?
- CAROL: And you never
said a word...

Ghee, that noise!

If I could find
another horse that types,
I'd send my work out.

Oh, Phoebe, what a gorgeous
diamond ring.

Look, Wilbur.

Dexter, darling, it must have
cost you a fortune.

What's my money for if I can't
spend it on the little woman?
Right, Wilbur?

What did you get Carol
for your last anniversary?

A play suit.

It was a three-piece
play suit.

You could swim in it,
or you could walk in it...

or you could just
play in it.

Christmas,
I got her some of these
ivory fruit pickers.

Just look at it sparkle,
Carol.

Have you ever
seen anything like it?

It sure sparkles.

Wilbur, why don't you
get one for Carol?
You can afford it.

Oh, my little girl
likes practical things.

Sentimental gifts,
you know.

You should have seen the
tears in her eyes

when I gave her
the play suit.

- I got all choked up.
- Yeah, she...

- Well, good night.
- Night!

[OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

- You want
a ring like hers.
- Twice as big.

- And you want it tomorrow.
- As soon as the stores open.

Carol will you settle
for anything else?

No.

- Another play suit?
- No.

- A robe to go
with the play suit?
- No.

Slippers to go with
the robe and the play suit?

No.

A diamond ring to go
with the slippers,

to go with the rob
e to go with the play suit?

No.
Wait a minute!

Ah, you had your chance.

Wilbur Post!

Oh!

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

Ed, is that you typing?

Uh-oh, Wilbur.

I'd better
hide my memoirs.

- Ed, were you typing something?
- No and you'll never find it.

Come on now, Ed.
A man has a right to know what
his horse is typing.

Well, it's something
personal.

Still,
you oughta tell me.

Aw, don't
read that, Wilbur.

It's my memoirs,
the story of my life.

Oh.
I love the title.

"Love and
the Single Horse" .

[ED LAUGHING]

Look at you, Ed,
you're blushing.

Come here.
[LAUGHING]

This must be a pretty exciting
life you've led, huh?

Well, Wilbur,
I might as well admit it,

your horse has been
a g*y dog.

Say, this first
chapter is a little spicy.

[LAUGHING]

It's hard to believe you were
only two years old at the time.

Aw, come on, Wilbur.
Give 'em back.

Oh, no, no, let me read 'em.
I might learn something.

I doubt it.
What fun would you have
kissing horses?

Oh, "I will never
forget my first love, Yvette.

She was only
a little French filly,

but, ooh-la-la.

A kiss from her would melt
your horseshoes."

Yeah.
And what a shape.

She had so many curves,
her saddle kept falling off.

This is great stuff, Ed.

There's
an awful lot of this--

Would you mind if I
finished reading it tonight?

Well, I don't know, Wilbur.

That's personal stuff.

Come on, Ed, don't worry.
Everything in these pages

is strictly between you
and me.

And a hundred
happy little fillies.

[WILBUR LAUGHING]

- Wilbur?
- Hmm?

What's so funny
in the "Architectural Gazette"?

Oh, some clown designed
a building here that's
ridiculous.

[CAROL LAUGHING]

Carol!
You shouldn't be reading that.
That's personal.

What's personal?
"Love and the Single Horse"?

That single horse happens
to be our horse!

Wilbur, stop.
Your secret's out.

I think you've written
a very funny book.

That's no excuse--
I have?

It's a riot! And I loved that
part where the horse has to

get cleaned up for a date
so he goes out to a car wash.

Yeah, he got in the wrong line
and got himself spray waxed.

- That wasn't in the book.
- I guess he forgot.

Who? Who forgot?

Uh, the author!
Ed! Me! I forgot.

Look, Carol, it's late.
Why don't you put out the light
and go to sleep?

Honey, if your book
got published,

then you could really
afford to buy me
a diamond ring.

Oh, look, no publisher
would print this.

I mean, who cares about
a horse's love life?

Outside of other horses?

And they can't read.

Now go to sleep.

Wilbur!

Hi, honey.
Where did you go so early?

To a publisher.
I just sold your book.

That's nice...

Oh, no!
Not the memoirs!

You didn't sell the memoirs!

Isn't it wonderful!

The publisher just flipped' over
"Love and the Single Horse."

And look, Wilbert.
He gave us an advance.
$500!

Oh, I can't wait
to call Phoebe!

Just wait till she sees
the diamond I get.

Mr. Post, you're making
a big mistake,

"Love and the Single Horse"
is bound to head the fiction
list.

Just why don't you want it
published?

Well, you see,
it's not exactly fiction.

Then what is it?

It's a diary.

I suppose your horse
wrote this diary, huh?

You said it, not me.

[LAUGHS]

You know, Post,
that's a wonderful
publicity angle.

For a while there,
you had me fooled.

I thought you really wanted
to take your book back.

- I do.
- But, why?

Well, I just don't want to
start any trouble at home.

Nonsense!
Your wife said she was
acting as your agent.

She's very excited
about having the book published.

Well, I wouldn't have
the fight with my wife.

Then who would it be with?

[CLEARS THROAT]

My horse.

You are joking.

I'm not laughing.

You are pulling my leg.

You're just having a little
joke with your publisher,
aren't you?

No. Mr. Durvis, you see,
my animal is a palomino,

and they're very proud.
Very proud.

How would you like
the whole world were to
read your diary?

I'd feel like we had
a best seller.

Now, Mr. Post, let's not
discuss this any more.

We have a deal.
I paid you an advance.

- Well--
- Let me carry the ball.

Could you at least
keep my horse's picture
off the cover?

Give my best
to your wife.

Gotta keep this place
clean for Wilbur.

Oh, this house cleaning.

A man's work
is from sun to sun,

but a horse's work
is never done.

[WILBUR WHISTLING]

Ed, you don't have to do
this kind of work.

I gotta.

I'm building up hours
for my unemployment insurance.

Wait till you see
what I got for you, Ed..

Oh, some lovely things.

First of all,

here's this little blanket
that you've always wanted.

Eh?

Mm-hmm.

Here, your very own
monogrammed feedbag.

And how about this?

Imported carrots.

What happened, Wilbur?
One of my rich uncles die?

No, no, no.

I just wanted to
buy you a few gifts.

But, why?
Is it my birthday?

No, Ed, I just wanted
to get you something.

[LAUGHS]

Bless you, Wilbur.
No horse ever had
a better father.

Well, I try, Ed.

You know, Ed, sometimes
I have to do things
for your own good.

I know it doesn't
seem like it at the time,
but later on,

you're always glad
I did what I did, right?

No,
but keep talking.

Well, you know those pages
you gave me to read?

My memoirs. Wilbur,
what happened to my memoirs?

You mean your book.

No.
I mean my memoirs.

Ed, I wish you'd
think of it as a book.

- Why?
- Because it's gonna be.

My private love life?

You're blabbing it
to the whole world?

Ed-- listen to me, Ed.

You see...

Carol got a hold
of your diary.

You see, I fell asleep
while I was reading it--

no, Ed, don't!
Ed, stop.

No, Ed, now,
listen to me!

Ed-- Ed!

Ed, open up!

That was my diary.
My private life.

You promised
nobody would see it.

Ed, nobody will.

Believe me, people buy books,
they don't read 'em.

Ed? Ed?

[THUD]

Ed,
I don't hear you
breathing.

He's fainted!

Ed, are you okay?

Ed, you're holding
your breath.

Now, you stop acting
like a child.

Ed, your face
is turning purple!

Your eyes are popping!

Ed, you're
going to explode!

That's not fair.
You scared me.

Ed, I'm sorry if
I hurt your feelings.

Yeah, I'll bet.
To you I have no feelings.

I'm just a leather hide
with stuffing underneath.

- Now, Ed--
- For all you care,

I might as well be
an animal in a wax museum.

Ed...

[EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST]

Wilbur, here's
to the success of your book,
"Love and the Single horse."

- May it sell
a million copies!
- Two million.

"A leather hide with
stuffing underneath."

Wilbur, wake up,
this toast is for you.

Our absent-minded author.

Absent minded--
oh, I almost forgot.
Carol, for you.

[GASPS]
A diamond ring!

Oh, Wilbur,
you shouldn't have done it!

They always say,
"You shouldn't have done it,"

after you did it.

Ed, I hope you
managed to get over...

Ed?

Ed?

"Dear Ex-Friend,
since you treat me like
a statue without feelings,

I may as well be a statue.

Do not try to find me.
It is better that way.

P.S.
Please forward my mail
to the Wax Museum.

Sincerely yours, Waxie."

No...

Abe Lincoln said
"Never swap horses
in midstream."

But I
got no choice.

Crazy horse!

Ed, are you out of your mind?
Come on, let's go home.

Ed, I think you're
acting very stubborn.

So what if "Love
and the Single Horse"
is published?

Think of it--
you'll be the first horse
that ever wrote a book.

Ed, believe me,
nobody's going to know

this book is the story
of your love life.

It could be any
one of a million--

[SCREAMING]
What?

Oh.

Young fella, you got
a gap in your gourd.

You better come home with me
and let me doctor you.

Oh, this isn't a wax horse.
It's a real one.

Sure, sure,
he's a real horse.

So is that Indian, too.

Come on, Ed.
It's hot under these lights,

Your wax is gonna melt.

What am I talking about?

Try and get him
to come home with me

and I'll poultice
his head.

Uh, say, buddy.

Just what are you
doing in here?

Oh, well, it's my horse.

He ran away
and I'm trying to
get him to go home.

He's just standing still
like that to try to make me
look bad.

Yeah, I'll show you
that he's real.

Watch.
This always breaks him up.

[CHATTERING]

He's biting his lip
to keep from laughing.

Inside he's
just busting up.

I think
I saw that horse move.

Maybe I better go home
and get some spring tonic
for myself.

Oh, Guard,
can you tell me where
the Napoleon exhibit is?

Yeah, I think it's right here.
Be right with you, lady.

- Let's go, mister.
- Please give me a chance.

- I've got to talk to him.
- Beat it, mister.

If you're still here
when I get back, I'll have
you run in.

This way, lady.

That Indian looks real,
doesn't he?

There are some better ones
at the end of the hall.

Ed, will you
please listen to reason?

Come on home.
We'll get into trouble here.

- Never.
- Ed, listen to me.

Here comes
that kid again.

B.J.: I want to look
at that Indian again.

All right, dear.

Hey, Mom!
This Indian is real!

I am not,
If you don't beat it,
I'll scalp ya.

B.J.,
stop making so much noise.

I tell you, Mommy,
the Indian is real.

He moved and he talked.

And he said
he'd scalp me!

Nonsense, B.J.

This one sure feels
different than the others.

[SNEEZES]

- Excuse me.
- You!

The guy who was talking
to the horse!

I'm throwin' you
outta here, you nut!

Come on, get--
[GASPS]

Look, Mom.
The horse is real, too.

Let's get out
of this place!

He's real.
My wife was right.

I've been
working here too long.

Ed, I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings.

Will you please
forgive me?

Well...

if you promise
me one thing.

- What?
- When they make my book

into a movie,
I'd like to direct it.

- Mr. Post?
- Yes, yes, Mr. Durvis.

Well, here you are,
Mr. Post.

The first copy of
"Love and the Single Horse."

Or "The True Adventures
of A Palomino Playboy."

Mr. Post,
if you don't mind,

I'd like our new author
to autograph this
first copy for me.

No trouble at all.

Would you mind--
turn around and face the wall
and close your eyes.

Turning around
just for just a signature?

Uh, it's a quirk.
You know us writers.

I never could write anything
with people looking at me.

Uh-uh.
I won't be a second.

You can turn around now.

Here you are, Mr. Durvis.
The author's signature.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪