06x06 - Anybody Got a Zebra?

[bunniefuu]

[NEIGHS]

Hello,
I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

[ED LAUGHING]

Beautiful.
Beautiful.

Too bad they don't have
a Mr. Universe contest
for horses.

I'm out of this world.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, looking at yourself
in the mirror again?

Yep, and the two
of us agree

I'm just too much
for a horse.

About 40 pounds too much.

Oh.

I'll be famous, too,
when the news photographers

take our pictures
for breaking up that spy ring.

Forget it, Ed.
There'll be no publicity

on those cases
we solved for S.I.A.

You know how
Chief Slattery feels.

Yeah, and it's not fair.

Paul Revere's horse
saves the country

and he's a national hero.

Me, I'm still
standing around the barn

swatting flies
with my tail.

You think
you've got problems?

How would you like
to come home to your wife
at 3:00 in the morning

and then not be able
to tell her where you were?

Wouldn't worry me.

When I get married,
I'm wearing the saddle
in my family.

Well, I'm gonna take
Carol on a picnic,

try to get back
in her good graces.

Gee, no more Secret Service
work for us, huh?

No more, Ed.
We can hang up
our cloak and dagger.

Chief Slattery's got
everything under control now.

Murphy, this case
has got me stumped.

How could anyone
steal confidential papers

right out
of our own files?

I wonder what Washington
will say to this?

Maybe they'll
take it easy on us

since we broke up
that spy ring.

We know who saved
our skins with that one.

Chief, no,
you're not calling in
that screwball with the horse.

Yes, Chief?

Oh, Gertrude,
will you get me Wilbur Post
on the phone?

Him?
That screwball
with the horse?

Ah, Carol,
I'm all set for the picnic.

Me, too.
I've got sandwiches, cookies,
fruit, and cake.

Well, that's fine for me.
What've you got for yourself?

- Honey?
- Hmm?

You still don't
have to tell me
unless you want to,

but where were you
those nights when
you came home late?

Ah, I don't have to
tell you, huh?

Not unless you have
something to hide.

Carol, believe me,
if I had anything to hide,

you would be the last
person I'd tell it to.

What?

Carol, I told ya,
I did a favor for somebody

and they pledged me
to secrecy, okay?

Okay, honey.
I trust you.

That's my girl.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- Mr. Post?

Listen,
we need your help again.

I just can't.
That's impossible.

I can't--
I can't talk now.

I can't talk now.

I'm just
not available now.

This isn't just
for the S.I.A.

It's for your country.

Well, okay, Chief.
We'll do it.

- Who was that?
- Somebody listening in.

No, not you, Carol.
[CHUCKLES]

Look, I wish you wouldn't
ask me again.

I'm in enough trouble
with my wife now.

Hmm?

No.

No, listen.

Listen, can't you find
somebody else?

All right.
I'll be right down,
but I can't stay long.

Bye.

Carol, I've gotta
go downtown for an hour.

But, Wilbur,
I spent all morning
preparing these sandwiches.

Well, they won't be wasted.
I can eat a couple
as I'm driving.

Bye.

Post, someone's been
breaking into this office--

how, we don't know--
and stealing some of our
top secret papers.

Now, we're baffled.

We're here all day.

There's bars on the windows.
No one can get in at night.

What do you think?

I think my wife's
in Reno by now.

Sorry, Chief,
I can't help you.

Oh, don't say that.

There's something about
your unorthodox methods
that bring results.

- I know.
- You've succeeded

where some of our best agents
have failed.

- Yeah, but--
- Post, I've known some
top crime-busters.

The best.

But you?
You're in a class
all by yourself.

What do you say?
Will you help us?

Where duty beckons,
I follow.

When my country calls,
I heed.

Then you will
help us.

I'll have to ask
my wife first.

No, no, no,
don't tell anyone.
Not even your wife.

Now will you help us?

All right, Chief,
but this is my last case.

Agreed.
Now, what can I do
to help you?

Uh...

would you send
my horse in here?

Be glad to.

You want your horse
in here?

Well, I'll-- I'll be
needing him, you see.

He's part bloodhound.

How can a horse
tell you what he smells?

How can a bloodhound
tell you?

I mean, you must just
take them on trust.

Gertrude, will you come
in here, please?

- Yes, Chief?
- Gertrude--

Post, you're serious
about this.

You're not just trying
to put me on.

Chief,
what I'm asking for
is blind confidence.

Gertrude, there's
a horse outside this building.
Bring him in, please.

- In where?
- In here.

- In the office?
- In the office.

Yes, sir.

And shall I have the horse
booked and fingerprinted, sir?

Just do what
you're told, huh?

Yes, sir.

I'll see if I can
smell out a few clues.

Can I help you, Ed?

No, your nose
is too small.

[SNIFFING]

You've got a clue?
Your nose is twitching.

Don't get excited.
It might just be a cold
coming on.

[SNIFFING]

It's a clue,
all right.

What?
What do you smell?

[SNIFFING]

- Pennies.
- Pennies?

Yeah, whoever pulled this job
was carrying a lot of pennies.

I don't get it.

Why would a crook
walk around with a lot
of pennies?

Well, maybe he robbed
a chewing gum machine

on the way over here.

[SNIFFING]

Hey, something else
coming in on the beam.

What is it?
What do you smell now?

[SNIFFING]
Fur.

Fur?

Fur and pennies?
That doesn't make sense.

You'd better
believe it, Wilbur.

My nose never lies
to me.

Fur and--
that's not gonna
get us anywhere.

Yes, it is.
Just figure out what kind
of a person

would be wearing a fur coat
and carrying pennies.

A poor Eskimo?

Don't ask me.
I just smell clues,
I don't figure 'em out.

- [SNIFFING]
- Fur and pennies.

Fur and pennies.

Any leads, Post?

No, Chief.
We're just monkeying around
with a few ideas.

[WHICKERS]

Quiet, Ed.
Quiet, please.

Chief, I feel there is
a very definite--

monkeying around!

That's it, monkeying a--
it has to be.

Pennies and fur, Chief.
That has to be.

That's it,
pennies and fur.
That has to be.

Come on, Ed!
[LAUGHS]

Pennies and fur!

- [MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHITTERING]

Ed, we've been watching
for an hour.

So far there's
nothing suspicious.

Nothing.

He's the only organ grinder
in this part of town.

I wonder if that's
the guilty monkey.

I find it hard to believe
a cute little fellow like that
can be a spy.

Oh, monkeys will do anything
for a buck.

Hey, Ed.
Look, quick. Look.

[MUSIC,
CHITTERING CONTINUE]

Ed, she gave him a coin

and the monkey gave her
a piece of paper.

He's either a spy
or he's booking horses.

Bet the S.I.A. would like to see
what's on that paper.

- [HORN HONKS]
- Look.

Someone's picking her up
in a car.

Let's jump in a cab
and follow her.

Okay, let's go.

Sorry, Wilbur.
I keep forgetting
I'm a horse.

We've still
got the monkey.

Make him talk.

If he has the right answers,
we might crack this case.

Can you understand
monkey talk?

That depends.
If the monkey talks slow,

I might catch a few words.

It's worth a try.

Now, how do we get the monkey
away from the organ grinder?

Well, there is a way,
but there's some danger
involved.

For you or for me?

Wilbur, you oughta
know me by now.

- For me.
- Naturally.

Come on, let's go.

[WILBUR]
Now, Ed, how do I look?

Perfect!

Eh?

[SIGHS]

Get me a monkey suit
and I'll hop up on
your shoulder.

Let's go,
come on.

Wilbur, are you back?

Wilbur?

Wilbur who?

- [MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHITTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hey, you have
to play here?

Why don't you go
someplace else, eh?

[ITALIAN ACCENT]
I've been someplace else.
I like it better here.

You better beat it, mister.
This is my street.

What, you pay rent?

Got your name
on the sidewalk?

- Hey--
- [CHITTERS]

Yeah, I'm gonna
say that myself, eh?

I didn't see you
at the organ grinders'
union meeting, eh?

How would you like
a nice big fat lip, eh?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ED WHICKERING]

Hey, you!

What do you do there, eh?

Go on, eh?
Go on!

Hey, look,
get away from me.

You no belong to monkey
organ grinders' union!

I'm gonna
give you what for!

How about you get out
from here, you hear what I say?

Come on, you no
understand English?

Out! Go on!

It's my street!
It's my beat, understand?

[CHITTERING]

Well, find out anything?

No, he must be
an out-of-town monkey.

He talks with
a funny accent.

[CHITTERING]

Try again.

Ask him who's been
stealing the secret papers
from the S.I.A.

Okay.

And promise him a banana
if he talks.

Okay.
[WHINNYING]

[CHITTERING]

What'd he say, Ed?
Is he spilling the beans?

He didn't even
open the can.

I thought you understood
animal talk.

I do, but this nut
is jabbering away in some
strange dialect.

I think it's Swahili.

Swahili?

Wait, he is
an African monkey.

Yeah, and he's using slang,
splitting infinitives.

It's a mess.

[CHITTERING]

Ed, we've gotta find out
who's the brains

behind this spy ring.

Well, if you want me
to find out what Jocko
is saying,

- there's only one way.
- What's that?

I'll need a zebra
as an interpreter.

- A zebra?
- Yeah, they're African
and part horse.

Where am I
gonna find a zebra?

Look under "Z"
in the classified phone book.

Well, what are we
gonna do, Chief?

Just sit here and wait
for this Post character

to tell us who's been
breaking into this office?

If I thought my grandmother
could solve this case,

I'd hire her in a minute.

At least she wouldn't
walk in here with a horse.

You don't know
my grandmother.

Chief, Mr. Post
is here.

Maybe he's got something.
Send him in.

- Okay, Mr. Post.
- Thank you.

Gentlemen, I am just about
to bust this case wide open,

but I'm gonna
need your help.

Anything, you name it.
The S.I.A will deliver it.

Do you want one of our
best agents to assist ya?

No, I don't want a man.

Then I'll assign
a top female operator.

I don't want
a woman either.

What do you want?

A zebra.

If you tell me to put on
a pair of striped pajamas

and help this guy,
I'm quitting.

A zebra?

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy,
Chief Slattery,

but I need a zebra.

- You want a zebra.
- Yeah.

You don't want a giraffe?

They're not
in the horse family.

Not in the horse family.

Oh, they think they are,
but actually--

Never mind, Post.

I allowed you to bring
a horse in this office,

make a fool out of me
in front of my whole staff.

Why, Chief Slattery,
I'm sorry. We can
forget the zebra.

Darn right we will.

You think you could get me
a donkey that's lived in Africa?

I'll tell you
what I think you oughta do.

You're badly in need
of a long rest.

Why don't you try Hawaii?

No, thank you.

If I did travel,
I know where I'd go.

Where?

Africa, 'cause that's
where I could find a zebra.

Here's your zebra, Ed.

You think he can
interpret for the monkey?

Sure, and if it's
a female zebra,

she'll add a few
thousand words of her own.

Here goes.

Keep your
hooves crossed.

Excuse me.

Hi.
Nice evening.

Oh.

The zoo is closed.

- Who are you?
- I'm the zebra doctor.

Is this the sick zebra?

I don't know.
I just come on duty.

Ah.
Uh-huh.

What's the matter
with him?

Mm, aha.
Bad case of zebritis.

Zebritis?
What's that?

Well, that's a very rare
African disease

that sometimes
strikes the zebra.

See how the stripes
are beginning to run together?

Well, what's going
to happen to him?

Well, fortunately
that can be controlled
by aspirin,

if I happen
to have any here.

Oh, I have some
in my locker.

That is, it's human aspirin,
it's not zebra aspirin.

Would you like me
to get some?

Please, and don't
bother hurrying.

There's still lots of space
between the stripes.

Dear me.

Stripes
running together.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I've heard of Dr. Zorba,
but Dr. Zebra's ridiculous.

Ed, we have got to find out
what this monkey knows.

So let's get
our signals straight, huh?

Okay.

Okay, now,
I'll tell you the question

and you ask the question
to the zebra.

Now he'll translate
that question into Swahili
for the monkey.

- Understand?
- I dig ya, Dad.

[CHITTERING]

Stop blabbing, monk.
Wait for the questions.

You act like you're still
in the jungle.

Now, listen, the monkey,
of course, will answer
in Swahili.

Then the zebra will translate it
into horse talk so you'll
understand,

and then you translate it
from horse into English for me.

You think it'll work out?

As long as the four of us
don't get in a bridge game.

The bidding
would drive us crazy.

Yeah, now, here's
the first question.

Ask the zebra
to ask the monkey

who stole the papers
from the S.I.A.?

Roger.

[COUGHS, WHICKERING]

[BLEATING]

[CHITTERING]

[BLEATING]

Well?

We've got
a little problem, Wilbur.

What is it?

The zebra wants to know
what's in it for him.

I've got some of your
sugar cubes here.

Here you are, fella.
There you are.

Now you pay attention
to the monkey.

[CHITTERING]

[BLEATING]

Oh, boy, did you hear that,
Wilbur?

Hear what?
What did the monkey say?

[ED]
I never would've
believed it.

Believe what?
What did the monkey
say to the zebra?

Before I tell you,
what's in it for me?

Post, if you know how
those secrets were stolen
from this office,

why don't you
come right out and tell us?

I'll do better
than that, Chief.

[DISTANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHITTERING]

I'll give you a demonstration,
if you'll cooperate.

I have a feeling
it's cuckoo time again.

Give him a break.
Let's see what's on his mind.

Okay, what do you
want us to do?

Would you gentlemen mind
joining me in the closet?

If the horse is in there,
it's gonna be a tight squeeze.

What are you
trying to do?

If we don't clear this room,
we'll never solve the case.

Now, come on.

Please.

Come on.

Hurry.

Be with you in a minute, Shelby.
I just have to get my hat.

[SCREAMS]

Aren't you kids a little old
for hide-and-seek?

[MONKEY CHITTERING]

There's your spy.

[CABINET DRAWER BANGS OPEN]

- I knew it.
- [SCREECHING]

I knew it.
Aha, this proves it!

The zebra was right!

What did he say?

You heard what the man said,
"The zebra was right."

Post, I can't
believe it.

This monkey has been
stealing our papers?

Yeah, well, he's not
the brains behind the mob.

You know who it is?

Yes, it's an organ grinder
out there on the sidewalk
called Krona,

but before you pick him up,
would you do me a favor?

Sure, what do you want?

Well, ask the D.A. to take it
easy on this little fella.

He just got in
with bad company.

Listen to this,
Wilbur.

"The S.I.A. yesterday
cracked another spy ring

headed by a man
posing as an organ grinder."

Hmm, no mention
of us, huh?

Nope, and it ain't fair.

We saved the country,
no mention of us.

That spy robs the S.I.A.,
he gets two columns.

Ed, it really doesn't matter
who did the job

as long as the spies
were caught, right?

Wrong.
When I work I like
to get rewarded.

Ed, you helped
your country.

Isn't that reward enough?

[LAUGHS]
Yeah, sure.

We make a great combination
of brains and brawn,

right, brawny?

Right, brai--

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always
on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[MAN]