06x07 - TV or Not TV

[bunniefuu]

[ED NEIGHING]

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse ♪

♪ Of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is,
of course, unless the horse
is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

h*-hum.

h*-hum.

- Ed, what's on your mind?
- I'm bored,

I've got nothin' to do.

Well, find something to do.

Will you help me look?

Ed, please.
I'm trying to read my paper.

[GRUNTS]

Ed, will you cut that out now?
I'm warning you.

Look, I'm trying to get
a little rest.

- What's gotten into you?
- I'm bored.

What can a horse do
around here?

Go in the barn and knit
yourself a hay blanket.

[MOCKING LAUGHTER]

Quiet!

Carol's father's in the house
trying to take a nap.

Now please
behave yourself.

[RADIO PLAYING]

Ed, you keep that up
and you'll be whinnying
through a fat lip.

But I'm bored, Wilbur.
I got nothing to do.

I wish they had
a day camp for horses.

Ed, you're gonna
get me in trouble with
my father-in-law.

Now, go in the barn
and find something to do.

Wait till he
asks me for a ride.
Maybe I'll be too busy.

- What did you say?
- Nothin', nothin'.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, good!
Hope it's a wrong number

so I'll have someone
to gab with.

Hello.
Wilbur Post residence.

Hello, Mr. Post,
you're on the air now.

This is Happy Hannegan,

MC of your
favorite radio program,
"Strain The Brain."

It's not my favorite program,
but keep talking.

Well, now, Mr. Post,
perhaps you've been listening

to our questions all week,
maybe while driving your car.

I don't drive a car.

Oh?
How do you get around?

I trot.

Just use your
own two feet, eh?

Well, you're half right.

Now then, Mr. Post,

Strain The Brain has selected
your name from the telephone
book

and if you can answer
our Jackpot Question,

you will win a brand-new
late-model color television set.

The answer is
William Shakespeare.

Mr. Post, I haven't asked
the question yet.

Well, ask me who wrote Hamlet
and send the set over.

Ladies and gentlemen
I see we have a kidder
with us today.

All right, Mr. Post,
now get ready for the big
jackpot question.

In 10 seconds, please,
tell me...

Who were the qualifiers
in the Interzonal
Chess Tournament

in Amsterdam in 1965?

Let's see.

There was
Larsen from Denmark.

Smyslov, Spassky,
and Tal from the USSR

and Ivkov
from Yugoslavia.

Why, that's correct!

I-I-I mean, Mr. Post,
you're absolutely correct!

Naturally.

Mr. Post, you've
just won yourself

a brand-new late-model
color television set!

I hope it's got
remote control.

I like to watch
while I'm in the hay.

Oh, yes, well,
congratulations, Mr. Post.

Your set will be
delivered to you tonight,

and we hope you will keep
listening to "Strain The Brain"!

Thank you.
It's a pleasure
to do business with you.

With my new color set,
I won't be bored anymore.

I can't wait to find out
if Skelton's eyes are red, too.

How about
some more coffee, Dad?

No, thank you, Carol.

I'm up to here with that
wonderful dinner you served me.

Maybe I'll take
a little walk later on.

Wilbur likes to walk
after dinner, too.

He'll be down soon
and he can join you.

In that case,
I'd better go now.

Dad, I wish you'd be
more friendly to Wilbur.

He has a feeling
you don't like him.

Strange.
I share the same feeling.

You might get to like him
if you'd talk to him once
in a while.

I have a parakeet
who can give me brighter
answers than he does.

Dad, you aren't being fair.
Wilbur has a brain.

I wouldn't believe it
if you showed me the x-ray.

Oh, Carol.

Here he comes now.

Talk to him on any subject.
You'll see.

Carol,
the laundry sent me back
the wrong shirt by mistake.

No, they didn't.
I checked them all
this afternoon.

Well, this isn't my size.
Look at this.

The fellow who owns this
must be built like an ape.

- Yours?
- Just call me King Kong.

It's my fault.

I put your shirt
with Wilbur's by mistake.

I'll take it up to your room.
I'm sorry.

[WHISPERING]
Talk to him.

Sit down, Wilbur.

Yeah, yeah.

[CRACKING NOISE]

What do you think
of the international situation?

What do you think?

- About what?
- The international
situation.

Oh well,
globally speaking...

I think we are standing on
the threshold of a challenge

that is fraught
with many overtones...

and many undertones.

If you know what I mean.

I haven't
the faintest idea.

Well, I've made Carol happy,
I've talked to you.

Now I'm gonna go
for a walk.

[BELL RINGS]

That's the doorbell.

I know.
I'll get it.

- Hi, Mr. Post?
- No, there he is.

Congratulations!

You answered the toughest
question they ever asked

on "Strain The Brain."

It's five weeks since anybody
won the jackpot prize.

Wilbur, did you win a prize?

You bet he did!
And, man, what a mind!

He's a regular
walking encyclopedia.

Are you sure
you've got the right Post?

There's a William Post
up the road.

You know, half the time
I get his bills.

Yeah.

I'm not sure, but I think
I put his son through college.

What a clown.

Did you hear the way he gave
that MC a hard time on the radio

today before
he won the contest?

There's a Nakamura Post.
Runs a judo school in town.

Wilbur, did you really
win a contest?

- I'm betting on Nakamura.
- Don't let him kid you.

He reeled off the names
of them chess champions
just like that.

The Russians,
the Yugoslavians,
the Denmarkians.

Boy, with a brain like his
should be hanging in a museum.

There's a Wilbur Posnick
on Polaski Drive.

Or is it Wilbur Polaski
on Posnick drive?

- Oh, Wilbur,
please stop teasing us.
- I can't believe it.

Wilbur, did you really know
the names of all those
chess champions?

Mister, I got a big
color TV set in my truck

and this man
sure earned it.

A color TV!
Oh, honey!

Carol, actually,
I didn't--

Sure, I won!
I was just putting you on.

I've got a pretty brainy
husband, wouldn't you say, Dad?

Color TV.

I can't wait to see
if Skelton's eyes are red, too.

Hey, I said that before.

He's gettin'
to think like a horse.

Wilbur, how did
you happen to know

the names of all
those chess champions?

I thought every child
knew how to play chess.

Matter of fact,

playing chess is one of my
numerous intellectual hobbies.

I've been a chess player
all my life

and I couldn't remember
all those foreign names.

Well, you know,
they say, Dad,

as you get older,
your memory starts to fade.

Not that you're
getting any older.

I mean, you have
a very young face for a man
who's as old as--

you don't even look it.

Wilbur, Dad's plays
a real good game of chess.

How about you two
playing some time?

Yes, how about
a game tonight?

Um, how about putting
the color set over there?

Well, honey, that'll
take a little thought.

I think...

Eh, eh!
Thinking's my department.

Prize-winning brain,
you know.

Well, where do you think
the set should go?

I don't know.

I do know.
I won that set,

and if it doesn't
go in my barn,

Wilbur's gonna have
a 1,200 pound headache...

Me.

[GROANING]

It's k*lling me.
Oh, Wilbur.

[WINCING]

Ed, come on.
Stop goofing off.

There's nothing wrong
with your leg.

Then why isn't it touching
the ground like the others?

You're just sore because
I won't put that TV set
in the barn.

Now, come on.

[GRUNTING]

That smarts.

- Hey.
- Now, cut it out, Ed.

Oh, my achin' foot.

See if you can find
a long branch,

something I can use
for a cane.

Maybe you'd like me
to rent a wheelchair
and push ya home?

Would it be
too much trouble?

Oh, come on.

Wait a minute.
I thought your left foot
went lame.

How come you're
holding up the right one?

Oops.

In my misery,
do I know what I'm doing?

Ed, will you stop
making things rough for me?

Now you know that set
is legally mine.

You told that announcer
your name was Wilbur Post.

Okay, so you won
the set.

But it was under
an assumed brain.

What possible reason
can I give Carol

for moving a TV set
into the barn?

Oh, oh.
Everything is spinning.

I-- I think
I'm going to--

[GROANS]

[THUD]

Great performance,
Camille.

Now take your bow
and let's go home.

[GROANS]

What happened?

Your parachute
didn't open.

Well, come on.
Get up, you big clown.

Ed, I'm gonna
ask you once more.

Are you gonna get up?

All right, if you don't get up,
I'll leave you right here.

Oh, no,
you're not, mister.

- Huh?
- You're gonna leave
that sick horse

here in this park?

Oh, well, he's
not really sick, Officer.

Then what's he
doing on the ground?

Oh, well,
that's just a difference
of opinion.

Difference of opinion?
What do you mean?

Well, there's something he wants
and I just can't give it to him.

What's he want?

You wouldn't believe
that horses watch TV, would ya?

You're trying to tell me
that your horse wants a TV set?

Color.

[SNIFFS]

If you're looking
for empty bottles,
you won't find any.

You're just wasting
your time, Officer.

There, boy.
That's my boy.

Thattaboy.
Come on, that's good.

Yeah, here, boy.
How about a piece of sugar?

I'm sorry, Officer,
he just doesn't deserve that.

You oughta be ashamed
of yourself,

riding a beautiful animal
like this into the ground.

What are you
trying to do, k*ll him?

k*ll him?

I've been carrying him
for the last couple of miles.

Never mind the jokes.

A fine animal like this
deserves the best treatment,

and remember that.

Yes, sir.

Look, if you beat that horse
one more time,

I'll throw
the book at you.

I'll bet his horse
has a color set in his barn.

Ed, what am I gonna do?

Wilbur, you've always
been a fair man.

Now I won that set
with my brains,

so I should have it,
shouldn't I?

Well...

Shouldn't I?

Let me talk to Carol.

[WHOOPS]

Look, Ed, I am
not promising anything.

Let's go, buddy boy.

Last one on my back's
a rotten egg.

Oh, okay.

[SING-SONGY]
I get my color set,
I get my color set.

That sure is
a wonderful set, Carol.

And it took a brain
like Wilbur's to win it.

Now do you still
call him a kook?

Yes, I'd call him a kook

who happens to know
a few stray facts
about chess.

Now, Dad,
don't be stubborn.

It's one thing
to memorize the names
of a few chess players.

But it takes intelligence
to play the game.

You notice how he backed out
when I challenged him to play?

That's because he didn't
want to embarrass you
by beating you.

[LAUGHS]
Daughter, if your husband
beats me at chess,

I'll treat you kids
to a second honeymoon.

Honey, did you hear that?

Dad said that he'll give us
a second honeymoon

if you beat him at chess.

Aw, who wants to play chess
with your father on a honeymoon?

How about a game
after dinner?

No, I don't do my best thinking
on a full stomach.

How about before dinner?

Or on an empty stomach.

What's the matter, Wilbur?

Afraid I might beat you?

Well, I was
just wondering, Carol,

why don't we move
the television set

to a better spot?

Wilbur, that chess game.

Like in the barn.

The barn?
Why would you want to put
the TV in the barn?

Well, after all,
I mean, it is our hobby room,

and we do spend most
of our time out there.

I'm hardly ever
out in the barn.

Wilbur, about
that chess game tonight.

If you beat me,
besides the honeymoon,

I'll throw in a set
of matched luggage.

Carol, about the TV set--

It stays right here.

And I'd love
a second honeymoon.

Well, Wilbur,
all you have to do

is use that great brain of yours
and you've got it.

Do we play chess tonight
or don't we?

We do.

But it's my set.

I won it with my brain

and it belongs
in my barn.

Look, Ed, I'll leave
the living room shades up

and you can stand outside
and watch the screen.

It'll be like being
in a drive-in movie.

Uh, swell.
One rain and I'm back
to my transistor radio.

Cheer up, Ed.
Look, there's one thing
about life,

you've got to learn
to be a good loser.

Which reminds me,
I'm playing chess
with Carol's father tonight.

So what?
I've got my own problems.

Yeah, well, Ed, you're
a very fine chess player,

and it's important to me
that Dad loses tonight.

So you want me to sit down
and play with him?

No, I'm just counting on you
to stand outside the window

and tell me
what moves to make.

Will you bet here?

I'll be there.

Aw, thanks, fella.
You're all heart.

I'll be watching for ya.

I'll be there,
but I may leave my brain
in the barn.

[HUMMING]

[MIMICS HUMMING]

Wilbur, make a move.

You've been studying that board
for 20 minutes.

Strategy, strategy.
I'm just planning my campaign.

Eisenhower took less time
to plan the Normandy invasion.

He didn't have
a second honeymoon at stake.

Ha.
Ahem.

My move.
Um...

Your move, Mr. Brain.

Well, they do say
Tahiti is very lovely
this time of year.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't look now, Wilbur,

but you just missed
the boat to Tahiti.

Check mate.

[LAUGHS]

The most childish game
I ever saw.

Left your king
completely unprotected.

Why, even your horse
could've done better.

Then why didn't he?

Don't blame me
for losing, Wilbur.

My emotions upset
my thinking.

And what does that mean?

I kept looking at my color set
in your living room

and all I could see was red.

All these years,
Dad's been calling me a kook.

I finally get a chance
to show him I'm smart

and what do you do?

You pull your brains
out from under me.

[GRUMBLES]

I'm tired of words,
words, words.

This calls for action,
action, action.

Possession is 9/10ths
of the law,

and I'm gonna have
all 10/10ths.

He wouldn't.

Yes, he would.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Beautiful.
Oh, gorgeous.

Oh, boy.
Now you've done it.

Ed, this is the worst trick
you have ever pulled.

What are you trying to do,
break up my marriage?

Please, not while
I'm eating.

- And what is this?
- A TV dinner, naturally.

You raided the ice box.
That's a pizza.

[ITALIAN ACCENT]
That's-a right, paisan.

Pass the parmesan,
please.

Okay, I--

ooh, Ed, what am I
gonna do with you?

This time you've gone
just a little too far.

Now I gotta get that set back
before it's too late.

[GRUMBLES]

All I need now is for--

Uh...

Uh, the-- uh...

Wilbur Post,
I can't believe it.

While we were sleeping,
you actually moved that
television out here.

No, it isn't t-that,

No, see, just because
the set is here and I'm here

doesn't mean that I
brought it here.

But it sure points
to it, doesn't it?

My poor daughter.

Oh!

Ed...

Well, you've done it again.

Once again you've proved
to my father-in-law

that I am a kook.

I'm sorry, buddy boy.

Would it help if I gave Carol
my color TV set?

Ed, you mean
you would part with it?

Right, for two reasons.

One, because I love you.

Aw, thanks, Ed.
What's the other reason?

I found out
I'm colorblind.

You-- c-colorblind?

- Yeah.
- Black and white, you--

[LAUGHING]

- What else?
- All this trouble
and you're color--

[LAUGHING]

Aha!

Oh, no,
you've won again.

This just isn't
your day, Dad.

Well, let's see,
that's one, two, three, four--

six honeymoons
you owe us.

- Care to try for seven?
- No, thank you.

Better luck next time.

Thanks, Ed.
I don't know what
I would do without you.

You love me more than your wife,
don't you, buddy boy?

- Well...
- Sure, you do.

There's a million blondes
in this world,

but where you gonna
find another horse
who plays chess?

True.

Ooh, I beat him,
I beat him, I beat him!

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yackety-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak unless
he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

MAN: