06x10 - Ed the Bridegroom

[bunniefuu]

[ED NEIGHING]

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is the famous
Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always
on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

Ah, Rosita...
No filly is sweet-a...

I adore you, chiquita
from your head to your feet-a.

What you doing, Ed?

[LAUGHS] I'm romancing Rosita,
my little Mexican chili bean.

Oh, she's a doll, huh.

She's pretty enough to
make the center page of
"Playhorse" magazine.

Yeah. But she won't pose
without a saddle.

Besides,
I don't want my future wife
in the public eye.

- Future wife?
- Yup.

And tonight when she drops over
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Get married?

Ed, you're a horse.
Horses don't get married.

Why not?

Who's got a better right than
two horses to get hitched?

Horses getting married.

[LAUGHS]

You know, after a day
with my father-in-law,
I needed this laugh.

I'm serious, Wilbur.
Will you get someone to
perform the ceremony?

- Make the two of us one.
- One what?

I don't know.
I've never been married.

Forget it, Ed. Horses
just can't get married.

Even if we pass
a blood test?

Not even if you get
your parents' permission
in writing.

Excuse me, Ed.

But it's not fair
denying horses a family life.

Two horses fall in love,
they have a kid.

And a year later,
what happens?

The son is racing
in Hialeah,

the father is
pulling a wagon in Idaho,

and the mother is
playing polo in Argentina.

I'll grant you,
Ed, it's not togetherness.

The only time my nephews
and nieces ever see each other

is when they're
running in the same race.

Ed, all this talk
is premature.

Rosita hasn't even promised
to become your wife yet.

You can help me,
Wilbur.

- You want me to
speak to her father?
- No.

While I'm proposing tonight,
you could put her in the mood

by playing your guitar.

Ed, I am not going to
stand outside a window
and serenade a horse.

Gee.

WILBUR: I can understand
your point of view.

I never thought of it before.

I mean,
it would be nice if horses
could have a family life

so that brothers and sisters
could live with their parents.

And maybe the older horses
could have their children
visit them on Sundays.

And on
Thanksgiving they can have
roast hay and stuffing.

Yes.

Oh.

Hi, Dad.

Wilbur, can you explain
what you were just doing?

Yeah, but I wouldn't
want to try.

I'm taking Carol to
the movie tonight.

You wouldn't care to
go along, would you?

Well...

I'm sorry, Dad, but I've got
a lot of work to finish up here.

Thanks for
inviting me, though.

Thanks for refusing.

ED: And thanks
for picking me over Carol.

A man can always
take his wife to a movie,

but how often does
his horse get married?

I wish we'd stayed
through the whole movie,
Daddy.

It was just beginning
to get interesting.

Not for me.
I hate movies where people
have a mental collapse.

Why?

It strikes
too close to home.

Daddy, one more
remark about Wilbur...

Ah, did I say Wilbur?

No, but you meant him,
didn't you?

Of course.

[WILBUR SINGING]

[RASPBERRY]

[PURRING PLAYFULLY]

[RASPBERRY]

[PURRING PLAYFULLY]

[PURRING]

- Hello.
- Hello.

Back so soon
from the movie, huh?

I suppose you're puzzled

about me being out here
playing a guitar.

Wilbur, nothing you do
puzzles me.

What puzzles me is why the state
doesn't step in and help you.

Oh, boy, I still
can't believe it, Wilbur.
Rosita said yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, that's great Ed.

Now I'll talk to her owner
and see if he'll sell her.

Then you can both
live here happily.

But first, you'll get us
legally married, right?

Ed, I wish you'd get
off that marriage kick.

You'd both be living here.

For shame, Wilbur.

You been seeing
too many Italian movies.

- Ed.
- I want to do
the right thing.

I happen to love this filly.

Ed, will you be reasonable?

Even if I wanted
to help you two kids,

where would I find
a justice of the peace

crazy enough
to marry two horses?

There must be
one in Las Vegas.

They'll marry
anything there.

No little barn
around the corner, huh?

I'm sorry, Ed.

Look, you've had
a very exciting night.

Why don't you turn in

and forget this whole
silly idea, huh?

Goodnight, Ed.

These California laws.

Well, I'm gonna
marry that little filly

if I gotta
take her to Mexico.

I wish Wilbur
would come in for lunch.

I wonder what's
keeping him in the barn.

Last night he was
serenading his horse.

Oh, Daddy.

Now they're
probably dancing together.

I know you've never approved
of Wilbur but if you'd only
try to understand him.

Impossible.

The State wouldn't allow me
to practice psychiatry

without
a medical degree.

Would you please ask him
to come in and eat?

[GRUMBLING]

Ed, you have got to stop
this silly hunger strike.

You haven't
touched a drop of hay
since last night.

If you don't eat,
you're gonna get weak.

If I can't marry Rosita,
I don't wanna live.

You shouldn't let
down like this, Ed.

Oh, my,
look at this hay.

It looks so yummy.

No.

Ed, this hay looks so good
I just can't resist it myself.

Mm.

You don't know
what you're missing.

You better hurry
before I finish it all.

Look Ed.
Hmm.

I was just tasting this hay
to see if it was fresh.

Carol wants you
in for lunch,

but I'll tell her
you're putting on
the feedbag with your horse.

No! I'll be right in, Dad.

No hurry.
Finish your hay.

Now see what you've done.
He thinks I'm a nut.

So do I.
What man eats hay?

All right, Ed.
If you don't wanna eat,
don't eat.

[GULPS]

[THUD]

Ed.

Ed.

What happened?

[GROANS]
Justice of the peace.

Marry me legal.

Ed, I cannot talk
to a justice about this.
He would throw me out.

It's getting dark... dark.

Mother...

The lights
are going out.

Well, okay,
Richard Burton, you win.

I'll talk
to some justice.

Oh, boy!

I'm only doing it
so I can get some peace
and quiet around here.

And tell him my fiancée
wants a June wedding.

I'll talk to one,
Ed, but...

No justice of the peace
is gonna marry two horses.

Just make a pitch, Wilbur.
That's all I ask.


horses in the world.

I had to get the one
who wants to be married.

Well, Mr. Post.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

Now, just when do you plan
on having this marriage?

Well, the bride
wants a June wedding.

How about
the fifteenth?

Oh, the fifteenth?

- Oh, that'll
be just fine.
- Good.

Uh, before we go
any further, your Honor.

I think you should know
that this wedding will
be a little different

from most of
the weddings you performed.

Why, of course, Mr. Post.

Everyone thinks
his wedding will be
different from all others.

That's natural.

Now, uh, where is
your little lady?

Well, that's where
the difference begins.

See, this wedding
isn't for me.

Uh, I should explain it.

Uh, uh, let me ask you.
Can you perform this
ceremony for anyone?

Why, of course.
To me, all young lovers
are alike.

They walk through my door
as two separate individuals.

And they walk out as one.

Well, for this couple,
you're going need a bigger door.

They're a little
on the big side, huh?

A little.

Well, it's no problem.

Uh, we can have
the ceremony outdoors,
you know.

Now, I really
should meet the groom.

Yes. He's right
outside the window.

The poor man.
They all get so nervous,
you know?

Well, I'll call him in.
[LAUGHS]

The poor soul.

There's nobody
out there but a horse.

I told you this wedding
was going to be different.

Mr. Post.
Mr. Post.

The groom is a horse?

Would you like me
to bring over the bride?

You've had your
little joke, sir.
Good day.

Look, it's not a joke.

Mr. Post, a marriage ceremony
is a serious thing,

and I don't like
practical jokes.

But it's not.

I just don't see
why two animals who want
to start a family

under the laws of
the State of California
cannot be legally married.

You get the State
to issue your horse
a marriage license

and I'll perform
the ceremony!

That's ridiculous!

You said
they were in love!

You...

Mr. Horse--
I mean, Mr. Post,

would you please go
and leave me alone?

I'm not a well man,
and you're disturbing me.

If you should
change your mind,
give me a call.

I know horses
can't get married.

But I'm glad
he heard it from you.

Dad, I'm going shopping.

- How about veal cutlets
for dinner?
- Fine.

Who are you looking up
in the phone book?

A psychiatrist.

Oh for goodness' sake.

Carol,
believe me, your husband
is not normal.

I didn't want to worry you,
but I caught him eating hay.

Wilbur eating hay?

And what was worse,
he was enjoying it.

Did everything
but wag his tail.

Oh come on, Dad. Can't you see?
Wilbur's having fun with you.

How about his
serenading the horse
with his guitar last night?

Dad, think.

Wilbur only does
his silly things
in front of you.

Not me.
Not anybody else.

Always in front of you.

You mean I bring out
the nut in him?

Let's say you
bring out the clown in him.

You stop picking on him,
and he'll stop teasing you.

- See you later, Dad.
- Bye, bye, honey.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

No, Mr. Post isn't home now.
Who is this?

This is Richard A. Greer,
Justice of the Peace.

Mr. Post is my son-in-law.
Can I help you?

No. He is the one
who needs the help.

I suspect he strayed
from the house today
without his nurse.

What did he do?

He wanted me to perform
a marriage ceremony
for his horse.

For his horse?

Oh, I know who this is.

[LAUGHS]

Wilbur, I recognized
your voice right off.

You couldn't fool me
for a minute.

I was onto you when you
were serenading your horse.

And I knew you
were kidding around
when you ate that hay.

Sir, is that
a private residence
where you are?

Or is there a doctor
around I can talk to?

Okay,
Wilbur, you've had your fun.

I told you I
recognized your voice.

Hi, Dad.

You'd have to get up pretty
early in the morning to...

Wilbur, that phone call
was for you.

- Oh? Who was it?
- A justice of the peace.

You mean he's going
to do it?

Do what?

You say it first.

Wilbur, were you
really trying to arrange

a legal marriage
ceremony for Mister Ed?

Well, yes.

Oh, my poor daughter.

No, no. You got to hear
my side of it.

You see, I really wasn't trying
to arrange a marriage.

It was sort of a gag,
you know.

I was trying to prove something
to a certain party.

You see...

Now, then, Mr. Post,
if you'll just try to answer
my questions calmly.

Doctor, my father-in-law
is completely wrong about me.

Now, now, now,
Mr. Post.

We're not going to get well
if we're going to fight Doctor.

I understand you've taken
to eating hay. Is that true?

It's not true.

Good.

Once.

I see.

And did you enjoy the hay?

No, it was awful.

But the alfalfa
wasn't bad.

The barley
I could take or leave.

Now, Mr. Post, this business
of playing a guitar.

Serenading your horse.

Oh, I wasn't serenading
my horse.

- You weren't?
- Of course not.

It was his girlfriend.

Mr. Post, why were you singing
to your horse's girlfriend?

Do I have to answer that?

It might help to
unmuddle your thinking.

Why were you singing
to your horse's girlfriend?

I was trying to get her
in the mood for a marriage
proposal.

I didn't want you
to ask me that one.

Just relax,
Mr. Post... Relax.

And let us try
to think this thing through.

All right, Doctor.

Now, you don't think
horses should legally
be married, do you?

Of course not.
That is ridiculous.

Of course, they should enjoy
some sort of family life.

Family life?

It doesn't seem fair.

Take an average horse family.

Now picture this.

The son might be
racing in Hialeah.

the father pulling
a plough in Idaho,

the mother's playing polo
somewhere in Argentina.

They are never
to be together again.

Never to see each
other again.

Not even on
Thanksgiving.

Very interesting.

I never thought
of it that way.

You know, Mr. Post,
my c*ck spaniel

had a litter
of six puppies last week.

Well, that's lovely.

Doctor, are you
gonna give them all away?

I was planning to,
but somehow

it doesn't seem right
to split up the family, does it?

Keep talking, Doctor.

It might help to
unmuddle your thinking.

Goodnight, fair Rosita.

Maybe someday in that
great big pasture in the sky,

we'll be able
to get married.

Hi, Ed.

Hi.

What's the matter, fella?
Can't you sleep?

[YAWNS] Why can't horses
get married, Wilbur?

I guess the world
isn't ready for it, Ed.

[YAWNS] I wish
I could have a wedding.

Marry Rosita.

Wish I could have

a real legal wedding.

[SNORING]

Friends, we are gathered
here today

to witness the first legal
horse marriage in history.

We welcome the relatives
of the bride and groom

who have come here
all the way from Pimlico,

Saratoga,
and Hollywood Park.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Sorry.

Also Sir Cecil III
from Epsom Downs, who won
the English Derby...

and is still wearing it.

And now,
let the ceremony commence.

How do you feel, Ed?

Weak.
That bachelor party
last night k*lled me.

Here she comes.

Isn't she beautiful?

[LAUGHS]

Please, Ed! Don't kiss her
before the ceremony!

Okay.

And now, before I join you two
in the bonds of fetlock...

may I point out that
in the pasture of life,

there are many
barbed wire fences.

Face them together
and you will succeed.

Back into them separately
and you'll be scratched
at the post.

Hurry up, Wilbur,
that limousine I got waiting

cost me ten bucks an hour.

And now before I pronounce
these two horse and wife,

if there is
anybody who objects
to this union

speak up now or
forever hold his peace.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Ed, what's he saying?

He says he's
Rosita's husband.

- What?
- I don't believe him.

- Go on with the ceremony.
- All right.

- Ed, look at that.
- What?

[HORSE NEIGHING]

He says those
are Rosita's kids.

She left them on the farm.

Ed, it must be true,
they look just like her.

Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no!

No!

No!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, what a nightmare.
Oh, boy!

Ed, what's the matter?
What did you dream?

I changed my mind, Wilbur.

I don't wanna marry Rosita.

Why not?

I don't want to go on
my honeymoon family plan.

Come on,
back to sleep.

- Hi, buddy boy.
- Hi, fella.

- Wilbur?
- Yes, Ed.

If I ever did get married,
could my wife live here with us?

Sure, sure.
And if it'll make you happy,
we'll even take her mother in.

Gee, I forgot. If I get married,
I get a mother-in-law, huh?

That's right.
There's one to a customer.

Forget the whole thing,
Wilbur.

I wouldn't wish that
on a human being.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

MAN: This has been
a Filmways presentation.