06x11 - Ed and the Motorcycle aka my horse hates Motorcycle

[bunniefuu]

[ED NEIGHING]

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse ♪

♪ Of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

[ED LAUGHING]

Man, look at those
horses. Bareback.

The only way to ride.

No saddle between
man and beast.

Gives riding that
intimate touch.

- Hi, Ed.
- Hi.

Watching television
so early in the day?

Sure.

Come on, Ed.
It's a beautiful day.

Probably go for
a nice long ride, huh?

No, Wilbur.
Can't I watch TV?

Not while we're riding,

unless you got
a very long cord.

Oh...

Well, Wilbur,
as long as we gotta go riding,

is it okay to
go bareback?

Well, Ed. I don't think
they'll let me in the park
that way.

Very funny.
Ha, ha, ha.

I meant me.

No, I don't want you
catching cold.

But you'll be sitting on me

and there's plenty of you
up there to keep me warm.

Very funny.
Ha, ha, ha.

What got you on this
bareback riding kick?

I was watching
those circus horses.

They don't wear
a stitch of saddle.

Uh-huh. Well, you're
not a circus horse.

The Indians ride
their horses bareback.

Which is why they
call them "redskins."

Oh, gee, Wilbur.

I wanna ride
bareback.

Ed, I'm having enough trouble
with my father-in-law
in the house.

Now, I don't want to hear
another word out of you,
understand?

Okay. But when
a horse can talk,

it seems like an awful
waste of talent.

Come on.

WILBUR: No, no, no.
And that's all there is to it.

I'm fed up
with you arguing.

I want you to stop arguing
from now on for the rest
of the ride.

Once and for all,
I am not gonna ride
you bareback.

But you don't need
a saddle to ride me.

Up there
I'm all baby fat.

Well, down here,
I'm not.

[GROANS]

Look, I'm tired
of arguing with you.

I'm gonna get
a drink of water.

Wilbur! I'm sorry.
I'm not wearing it.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, boy.

Someone is just begging
to miss Ed Sullivan tonight.

What are you doing now?

Ed, now cut that out.

Ed, you are
not supposed to--

Ed, please, now--

[GROANS]
Oh, Ed,

what am I gonna
do with these flowers?

COP: That's what
I'd like to know.

Yeah.

You realize there's
a law against picking
flowers in the park.

Yeah, well, I didn't
pick the flowers, Officer.
He did.

- Your horse picked
the flowers, is that it?
- Yes.

And he should
get the ticket,

and he should
pay the fine,

- Name, please.
- Ed.

His full name
is Mister Ed.

- And he lives at--
- No, never mind that.

- Your name.
- Wilbur Post.

He's been acting
terrible all day.

- Took off his saddle off,
threw it at me...
- Address?

He lives in the barn
behind our house.

- Your address.
- Oh.



Why have you written
"babbling incoherently"?

Because I don't know how
to spell "schizophrenic."

Well, hi,
there, fella.

You're a beautiful horsy,
aren't you, huh?

Here, how about some sugar,
old buddy, huh?

Don't you say...

Officer,
I wish you wouldn't make
such a fuss over him.

He doesn't deserve it.

Look, mister,
you stole the flowers.

Don't try to blame it
on this poor innocent
dumb animal.

[SIGHS]

[HORSE CLOPPING AWAY]

Wipe that innocent
dumb look off your face!

They'll go easy
on you, Wilbur,

if you promise them
not to pick flowers again.

Oh, you are
asking for it.

You are going to
wear that saddle!

Here. I'm gonna
show you who's boss.

No, no, you don't.

Come back!

[MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING]

Hi, Mr. Post.

Hi, Steve.

Say, I was wondering,
could I borrow some
lubricating oil?

Oh! Sure thing, Steve.
Sure.

Man, what happened?
Ed's saddle fall off?

Uh, oh.

[GROANS]

Take my advice.

If you ever wanna
go horseback riding,
buy yourself a car.

What for?
I just got myself
a new set of wheels.

Wheels?

Oh, I forgot your
generation calls
it a motorcycle.

Oh!
Yeah, yeah.

Ah!
Hey, that's a beauty, huh?

Uh-huh.
A lot of power?

Well, it's got


two-stroke single
cylinder engine,

a 160 cc displacement

and a compression
ratio of 9.5 to 1.

Yeah, man, like, that's
how I had it figured.

Say, Mr. Post,
didn't you ride a cycle
in college?

Oh, sure. Yeah.
I got the X-rays to prove it.

That sure is a beauty.

Would you like to take it
for a spin around the block?

No, Steve,
I'm a little tired.
[CHUCKLES]

I guess I'm the only horseback
rider in town

who has saddle
burns on his shoulder.

Excuse me, Steve.
I just thought of a way
to make him feel foolish.

I'll-- I'll get
the oil for you.

Thanks.

Make who feel foolish?

Man, that cat's way out.

A half-hour's up,
Wilbur.

Can I take it off now?

Are you sorry
you threw your saddle
on the ground?

- Yup.
- That's better.

I should have burned it.

Stubborn, stubborn.

Still insist
on riding bareback, huh?

Please don't yell
at me, Wilbur.

That nice cop in the park
didn't yell at me.

What a horse.

A couple of sugar cubes
and those cops have you eating
out of their hands.

Just like your
father-in-law has you
eating out of his hand.

All right.

Just for that, you're gonna
wear that hat until your head
comes to a point!

Whoa...

[GROANS]

Trying out
your new clubs, Dad?

I just can't wait to get out
to the golf course and use them.

Good. You can use
a little fun.

Dad?

Why don't you take
Wilbur along?

I'll tell you why.
He makes me nervous.

Terrible things
always happen to me when
he's around.

Tell me one terrible thing
that's ever happened.

He married you.

Dad.

Poor Wilbur. He had
to get a father-in-law
who's a mother-in-law.

Carol, it's not that
I dislike the boy.

Though that might have
something to do with it.

It's just that,

well, every day I spend with him
becomes Friday the 13th.

[WILBUR WHISTLING]

Here he comes, Dad.

Please ask him
to play golf with you.

I won't have to ask him.
He'll ask me.

Oh, he will not.

- Hi, Carol. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.

Oh...

I see you got those
new clubs, huh?

What do you say
we go out today
and play a few holes?

I mean, it's not fun
playing alone, is it?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, of course,
you can always pick somebody up
at the golf course.

Let me see these.

Oh! They're
beautiful. May I?

Careful, Wilbur.
Those are brand-new clubs.

Oh, for goodness sake,
Dad.

He's not
going to wear them out.

Hey!
That is lovely.

Of course I'm not gonna
wear it out, Dad.

You have nothing
to worry about.

I've played golf
for 20 years.

[MOTORCYCLE BACKFIRING]

[BANGING]

Guess what you're gonna
get for Christmas?

A postcard
from Reno, I hope.

Wilbur, you couldn't have picked
a worse time to break that club.

What would have
been a good time?

Honey, you just got
to speak to Steve Johnson
about that motorcycle.

That noise is gonna
drive us all crazy.

Carol, your father
doesn't hold a grudge long,
right?

No.

Good.

When you serve
the turkey tonight,

don't let him
do the carving.

Well, Ed.

Well, I'm glad to see
you finally decided
to wear your saddle.

One thing about you,
when you're wrong,

you're the last one
to admit it.

Rubber stirrup, huh?

Plastic. The trick store
was out of the rubber ones.

We are still
going riding, Ed.

I can get in that saddle
without a stirrup.

The only way you're
gonna get on me is by
helicopter.

All right.

I saw this one done
in western movies.

Just you stand
still, fella.

Waxed the saddle, huh?

Nope, greased it.

Ed, why are you doing
these things to me?

Because I want to be
like a circus horse.

Well, you're acting more
like a circus clown.

I'm going bareback
if I gotta join a nudist colony.

Just you keep this up, Ed.
Just you keep this up.

[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING]

That crazy kid.
He's gonna wake up Dad.

Ed?

To punish you,
I'm gonna take away something
you really like.

Now, what is it
you like most of all?

My saddle.

Oh, hi, Mr. Post.

I brought your oil can back,
and, thanks.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Uh, come here.

Is that your girlfriend?

Huh?

Oh, no, no.

Cute.
What's her name?

Search me.

You don't know her name?

No, but you gotta have someone
to ride on your cycle with you

so I borrowed her
from one of my buddies.

You borrowed her?

You know, man,
to hold onto the back
of the cycle.

She doesn't look
very heavy.

Well, it's the best I could do.
All the chubby ones were taken.

- You gotta be kidding.
- No, man, it's truthsville.

A girl sort of dresses up
the back of a cycle,

and I can't afford a foxtail.

[CHUCKLES]

I've heard of babysitters,
but motorcycle sitters?

Oh, look,
I wondered if you'd
do me a favor.

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, well, see, my
father-in-law is taking a nap.

Would you hold down
the noise a little?

Oh, I dig.

Oh, say, you're sure
you don't want to take a little
spin around the block?

Oh, no, thank you.

Although the way Ed's acting,
I may trade him in on one
of those things.

Well, listen, if you do
and you need a girl to hold
down the back--

No, thank you.
I have a horse.

Oh.

Man, he's so far out,
he's gonna need a capsule
to get back.

Ed, I think you're
gonna have a rival.

One that won't
throw off his saddle.

[MOTORCYCLE BACKFIRES]

That noisy motorcycle!
Just look what it did
to my cake!

You, too?

I'm going to have a talk
with that young man's father.

He owes me two golf clubs.

And his mother
owes me a cake.

Here, cut that out!
Stop that noise!

I'm ordering you to
cut that noise.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, no.

Uh, care to go for
a little spin around the block?

Wilbur, have you
lost your reason?

You're a mature,
responsible--

oh, what am I
talking about?

Well, you see, I--

I've been having a little
trouble with Ed, you know?

He wanted to ride
without a saddle,

so I figured I'd be better off
riding one of these things.

And you went out
and bought this cement mixer?

No, I just rented it.

See, these are a lot better
than horseback riding.

You can depend on these things,
and they're faster.

What's more important,
they don't throw their
saddle at ya.

Well, I guess I'll just
zip off on my new wheels.

Oh, I forgot.
Your generation calls
these motorcycles.

[BACKFIRES]

Well, Dad, did you
have a talk with Steve?

Oh, my poor daughter.

I'm not losing Wilbur

to that oversized
coffee grinder.

I gotta do something
to win him back.

Oh, poor Ed.
I'm so sorry for me.

[CHIMING]

Ed, you know you're not
allowed in the house.

- Uh...
- Ed, what are you
doing in here?

I'm sleepwalking.

How come
your eyes are open?

When I'm asleep,
how do I know what I'm doing?

All right, then how come
you're talking to me?

Ever heard of people
talking in their sleep?

Oh, Ed, stop it.

You're just trying
to get some sympathy.

[STAMMERS]
Wilbur, where am I?

What's this house
doing in my barn?

Oh, Ed, stop.
You know very well you are not
walking in your sleep.

Well, I didn't
take a cab here.

How was your motorcycle
ride today?

Oh, Ed, that was wonderful.
Wonderful.

[GRUMBLES]

You know, it's such a pleasure
to ride something

that doesn't give you
any backtalk.

Obeys your every command.

[GRUMBLES]
Those nice cops
in the park

wouldn't talk to me
that way.

Fine, fine.

Good night, Ed,
and I'll thank you to turn
out the light on your way out.

[ED GRUMBLES]

When love goes out the window,
the horse goes out the door.

Farewell, Wilbur.
[SOBS]

[SOBBING]

Morning, Ed.

I'm sorry about that little
argument we had last--

Ed, I--

ED'S VOICE:
"Dear Wilbur,

I hope you'll be happy
with that two-wheeled
smog maker.

Me, I'm joining
the mounted police force.

Hope to see you around
the bridle path someday.

P.S.-- excuse
the handwriting.

It's hard to see
through tears.

Signed,
your ex-horse."

That crazy horse.

I love him so much.

Ed!

Ed!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

You know it's against the law
to ride a motorcycle

in the bridle path.

Yeah, well, I--
I was looking for my horse,
Officer,

but I see you have him.

What are you talking about?
That's a police horse.

Oh? How long has he
been on the force?

I don't know.
We just found him
standing in the police yard.

Figured he'd been transferred
from another precinct.

No, he just ran away from home
after we had a disagreement.

Disagreement?
With a horse?

Yeah, well, see, he wanted me
to ride him bareback.

How do you know?

Oh, well, uh, uh...

That's one way I know.

Look, I'll mail his resignation
from the police force into you.

Come on, Ed.

Ed, come on.
Come on.

He certainly doesn't act
like he knows you.

He knows me
all right.

Why-- look, I taught him
a lot of tricks.

Watch this one.

Wiggle your ears, Ed.
Wiggle your ears.

Well, he's--
he's a little bit upset.

Watch this.
Ed, roll over.

Go, roll--

[WHICKERS]

He's doing the opposite
just to spite me.

Look, this is my horse
so you can borrow my motorcycle.

Just a minute, mister.

We have to do this
by police regulations.

If you want
to claim this horse,

you have to come down
to the station and--

Wait a minute.
I know one way of proving
that he's mine.

He has a gold crown
on his right lower molar.

- A gold crown?
- Yeah, right in here.

Not me, the horse.

Open up.

Open.
Ah.

Don't be stubborn.
Open, Ed.

He knows there's
a gold tooth in there.

He's just trying
to make me look bad.

Now, Ed, will you
open your mouth.

- [WHICKERS]
- Quick, look,
there it is.

- Yeah?
- Huh? Yeah, I see it.

How come your horse
has got a gold tooth?

Cap.
It's a gold cap.

See, this dentist
is a fraternity brother of mine.

Dentist?

You took your horse
to a dentist?

Yes.
You should've seen
the looks we got

going up in the elevator.

Uh, well,
we'd better straighten this out
at the station house.

You follow along behind
on your motorcycle.

Okay.

What's the matter
with him?

I think I know
what he wants.

What?

I missed you, Ed.

And I missed you,
buddy boy.

Ed, you still want me
to ride you bareback?

You can ride me bareback, piggy
back, any back.

Just so it's your back
on my back.

That's the way it'll be, Ed.

[LAUGHING]
Oh, boy.

Well...

I thought that was
a very good circus show, Ed.

Oh, yeah.

If I can't be
a bareback horse,

I'd like to be something
in a circus.

Oh? Why don't you get
another couple of horses

and start up
a trapeze act?

No, that triple somersault
would k*ll me.

You're terrible.

Wilbur, let's play
circus, huh?

I'll be the lion,
you be the trainer, okay?

Ed, I haven't got time.

Please?

No, no, no.

[LAUGHS]

Come on,
on this stool.

Front end or back end?

Front end, come on.

I wish you wouldn't ask me
to play golf with that kooky
husband of yours.

Now, Dad,
you promised.

Now, you go in there
and ask him.

Now, go on.
Go on.

Mm, very well.

Come on, lion, jump.

I'm not afraid of you.
Come on, Simba.

Up on that stool.
Get up on the stool!

What's got--
what's wrong with you?

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yackety-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak unless
he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

MAN:
This has been
a Filmways presentation.