06x12 - Cherokee Ed

[bunniefuu]

[NEIGHS]

Hello,
I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

[ED]
Happy birthday, Mom.

♪ Oh, I love the dear silver
that shines in your tail ♪

♪ And your mane
soft and silky ♪

♪ Your fetlocks so frail ♪

♪ I would give all my hay,
oats, and barley to thee ♪

[BOTH SINGING]
♪ Oh, God bless you
and keep you ♪

♪ Mother of me. ♪

[LAUGHS]

[IRISH ACCENT]
Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful.

I didn't know
your mother was Irish.

She's not, but who writes
mother songs for horses?

[NORMAL VOICE]
You know, come to
think of it, Ed,

there may just be
a little Irish blood in you.

When you visit your mother
this afternoon,

why don't you find out
who your ancestors were?

Okay, but I got a feeling
most of them are horses.

Well.

Ah, got your mother
a little gift for her
birthday, huh?

Yeah, a seven-layer
hay cake.

It's quite novel, too,
I think, having the carrots
instead of the candles.

Yeah, this way she blows
on the carrots,

makes a wish,
and eats them.

You know what?
Let me fix this box up
for ya, okay?

Uh, why don't you
come along, Wilbur?

Then we can turn out the lights
and surprise Mom together.

Oh, not today, Ed.
I'm afraid I can't.

You see, Carol's father
has been put in charge

of the Pioneer Day Parade

and I promised him he could
try some ideas out on me.

Well, then,
will you at least send Mom
a singing telegram?

Sure.

If you can dig up
a horse that can sing to her.

[LAUGHING]

Dad, I'm so proud of you.

You came up with
a really wonderful idea.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Ah, what's this
wonderful idea, Dad?

Well, just by accident
I found a parrot in town

whose grandfather belonged
to General Custer.

Dad phoned the owner
and he agreed

to let it take part
in the Pioneer Day Parade.

Oh, what's the parrot gonna do,
announce the winning float?

Wilbur, you can brighten up
my whole day

by just coming in
at night.

I think Dad's idea
will get a lot of publicity.

I can see
the headlines now--

"Pioneer Parade Features
Pioneer Parrot."

"Riding Pioneer Palomino."

Mr. Ed.

Honey, I think
that's a great idea.

Don't you, Dad?

Well, do you think the parrot
would ride on Mr. Ed?

Well, sure.
And if it's a nice day,
they can both walk.

You know, that's not
a bad thought, Wilbur.

The parrot symbolizing
General Custer

and Mr. Ed the winning
of the West.

I'll call the boys up right now
and get their reaction.

Good thinking, Dad.

Mom, are you sure
I'm part Indian?

[WHICKERING]

No kidding.

You carried me in a shawl
on your back till I was
four months old?

Imagine, I was
a palomino papoose.

Well, me Indian horse.
[LAUGHS]

Ed, good news.

Wait till you hear this.

What, what?

Well, you'll be marching
in the Pioneer Day Parade
on Saturday.

And guess who you'll be
carrying on your back?

Who?

The grandson of the parrot
that belonged to General Custer.

What-- you mean
General George A. Custer,
Indian k*ller?

That's right.

Uh, Ed,
why'd you turn away?

You feel all right?

Ugh.

Indigestion?

Ugh.

Ed, talk to me, answer me.
Are you sick?

Ugh, ugh.

Will you stop
kidding around?

Aren't you excited
about carrying a descendant
of General Custer's parrot?

No.
Indian horse never carry
green chicken

that talk like man.

Indian horse?
Are you kidding?

Nope, me Cherokee Ed.
My mama done told me.

How can you be an Indian?
You're a blonde.

Under blonde skin
me redskin.

[LAUGHS]

You know, for a minute
I thought you were serious

about not carrying
the parrot in the parade.

You-- and you're
not laughing, are you?

If parrot what a ride in parade,
him have to ride skateboard.

Now, Ed--
now, come on-- look, Ed...

I promised Dad
you would carry the parrot
in the parade.

Now, you can't let me down.

Not possible.
Me redskin, you pale face.

We come from different sides
of covered wagon.

Oh, come on.

Settler take away
Indian land.

What do you want me to do,
pay you rent?

First of every month,
buster.

Ed, you can't
do this to me.

What am I gonna tell Dad?

And Carol,
she will flip her top.

Nothing new.

Old Indian saying,
"Every squaw born to squawk."

You know what you are?

You are an Indian nut.

Now, listen to me
and you listen good, Ed.

That parrot is gonna
ride on top of you

if I have to tie him
into the saddle.

Put that in your peace pipe
and smoke it.

Nobody can force Indian horse
to march in Pioneer Parade.

Not even John Wayne.

[ED]
Okay, General George A. Custer.

This'll teach you to fool
around with us Indians.

Gotta stop using
these cheap arrows.

I missed you once, Custer,
but this is your last stand.

Ed, why are you--
Ed, hey!

Oops.

Are you out of your
alfalfa-picking mind?

You know,
you could've k*lled me.

Sorry, Wilbur.

The feathers on the back
of the arrow tickled my nose.

Are you still
playing Indian, Ed?

Ugh.

When the Cherokees
go on the warpath again,

I'm not waiting
to be drafted.

I wish you'd
cut out this foolishness.

There's a man coming by soon
with a parrot,

a parrot that you're gonna
carry in the parade.

If I carry that parrot,
it'll be to a barbecue.

Ed, my father-in-law
gave out a story to
the papers last night.

Today it will be
all over town.

You have just
got to cooperate.

Sorry, Wilbur,
this Indian horse

will never carry
a relative of Custer's.

If I did, I would sully
the name of Hiawatha.

Hiawatha?

By the shores
of Gitche Gumee,

by the shining
Big-Sea-Water--

Okay, okay.

Stood the wigwam of Nokomis,
daughter of the moon.

I said okay.

I was coming
to the best part.

- But behind it rose the--
- Never mind!

Are you asking me
to tell my own father-in-law

that I can't
keep my promise?

That I can't deliver
my own horse for the parade?

Is that what you
want me to tell him?

Yes, and you can quote me.

I'm not carrying
Custer's green chicken.

All right, I will tell that
to my father-in-law.

But just wait till you
want me to do you a favor.

I'll tell you to go
pedal your Gitche Gumee.

I'd like to help him,

but me Indian
and blood is thicker
than Wilbur.

[PARROT]
k*ll the Indians,
k*ll the Indians.

[SQUAWKS]

[LAUGHS]
You know, his grandfather

might actually
have been with Custer.

Circle the wagons,
circle the wagons.
[SQUAWKS]

Look at him.

He repeats everything he hears
on those TV westerns.

He does everything
but the commercials.

I guess I'd better
give him something to eat.

k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKS]

Circle the wagons.
k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKS]

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

Well, I see the man
brought his parrot over, huh?

Yes, he's leaving him
here till Saturday.

Until Saturday?
With us?

No, with Mr. Ed.
I figured it would be
a good idea

if they got
to know each other.

Uh, well, Dad,
I've been thinking it over,

and I don't think
that idea of mine
is so good after all.

I mean, you've heard
the expression,

"Fighting like
cats and dogs"?

Well, it's worse
with parrots and horses.

They fight like people.

Wilbur, this whole thing
was your idea.

You suggested that Mr. Ed
carry the parrot, remember?

Well, yeah,
but that was before--

k*ll the Indians,
k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKS]

Shh.

Circle the wagons,
circle the wagons.
[SQUAWKS]

Wilbur, what in the world
are you doing?

Well, you see,
it's Ed.

He's been very
anti-parrot lately.

Anti-parrot?

Oh, I know what
you're gonna say.

This is America,
the melting pot

where animals should
forget their differences
and try to get along,

but it just doesn't
work out that way.

Wilbur, you've got something
on your, hmm, mind.

Now, why don't you
come out and say it?

All right, Dad,
I will.

Dad, I'm pulling my horse
out from under your parrot.

Wilbur, I've got a lot of money
and an only daughter

and a will.

And I promise you,
if you don't play ball with me,

I'm going to live
and live and live.

Ed, you have just got to
carry this parrot.

No, and get that Indian k*ller
out of my wigwam.

k*ll the Indians,
k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKS]

One more word outta you,
Custer, and I'm plucking you
like a chicken.

Get the sheriff,
get the sheriff.
[SQUAWKS]

Shut your beak!

You stop scaring him.

I got a feeling
there's gonna be
a scalping party tonight.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, no?

Well, you just
leave him here tonight

and he'll wake up
with a convertible top.

[SQUAWKING]
Get the cavalry,
get the cavalry.

Look, Ed, I want you
to promise me once and for all

you will stop scaring this
little fella.

[STAMMERS]

- Is that clear?
- Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, pale face.

Ed, promise me
you won't hurt
the little parrot.

Well, okay.

Will you shake on that?

Okay.

Hope I can believe you.

[GRUNTS]

Come on, Apaches,
it's our land.

Don't let 'em take it.

k*ll the Indians,
k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKS]

Take to the hills, redskins.
We'll ambush them tomorrow.

Head 'em off at the pass,
head 'em off at the pass.
[SQUAWKS]

k*ll the Indians,
k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKS]

Keep that up, buster,
and you'll be shopping
for a green wig.

Anything in the paper
about the Pioneer Parade
tomorrow, Dad?

Right on the front page.

And, look,
they even mention me

for suggesting that Mr. Ed
carry the General Custer parrot.

Oh, yes.

I'm so glad Wilbur
gave you that idea.

Carol, I've asked you
never to mention Wilbur to me
on an empty stomach.

Now, Daddy,
if you think Wilbur

is going to take Mr. Ed
out of the parade, forget it.

- He's only teasing you.
- Of course I was.

You can have
anything I've got.

After all, you gave me
your daughter.

Least I can do
is give you my horse.

Wilbur, while I'm fixing
your eggs,

maybe you better see
if the parrot's all right.

Oh, stop worrying.

He spent
the night with Ed.

What could possibly--

I'd better get out there
and count heads.

Polly wants a cr*cker,
Polly wants a cr*cker.
[SQUAWKS]

Ah, everything
okay here, huh?

k*ll the Indians,
k*ll the Indians.
[SQUAWKING]

Good morning, Ed.
I hope you slept we--

Ed, what's wrong
with you?

I think I caught
parrot pox.

Parrot pox?

It's like chicken pox
only it's green.

Green parrot pox?

It's a horse sickness.

Uh-huh.

[MOANS]
Hey, it hurts.

I'm sorry, Ed.
I--

I...

Green parrot pox, huh?

I may be the first horse
to die in living color.

Ed, are you sure
you're not putting me on?

When did these spots
first appear?

This morning.

I went to sleep naked
and I woke up in
polka dot pajamas.

Ugh.
I'm a sick Indian.

It looks like
Custer's parrot

is gonna have to find
another horse tomorrow.

Oh, no, Ed.
Dad would k*ll me.

Wha-- Ed, now, look.

Look me right in the eye

and tell me
this is not a trick.

Uh, uh...
this is not a trick.

Are you sure?

Wilbur, when have
I ever lied to you?

Oh, January, February,
March, April, May.

But I'm having you
checked by a vet.

Wilbur, uh,
okay,

but don't
ride me over there.

Call an ambulance.

Bad news, Dad.
You'll have to get
another horse for the parade.

[COUGHING]

Wilbur, what do you mean
get another horse
for the parade?

I'm taking Ed
down to the vet.

I think he's
got parrot pox.

What'd he say?

Something about Mr. Ed
coming down with parrot pox.

[COUGHING]

Daddy, now, come on.
Don't get upset.

I never seen anything
like this before.

What makes you think
there's such a thing
as parrot pox?

Well, for one thing
he has it.

Hasn't he?

Mr. Post, 28 years
I've been looking after horses.

I never even heard
of parrot pox.

Huh?
Well, look, Doc,
I want him cured.

And money is no object.

If necessary, I'll fly him
to the Mayo Clinic.

The Mayo--

Mr. Post, I think someone's
been pulling your leg.

Just a minute.

[QUIETLY]
Doc, you mean
you think he's faking?

Faking?
Who's faking?

My horse.
You think he's
putting us on?

Now, why would he
do that?

You see,
he's an Indian horse

and he's gotta carry
this parrot in the parade.

Parrot?

It's all
a little involved.

What in the world
are you talking about?

Would you hold it down?

[WHISPERS]
Why?

[NORMAL VOICE]
You know, you're right.
We got nothing to hide.

And, for his sake,
I hope he hasn't.

Will you excuse me
a minute, Mr. Post?

We'll find out about
these green spots in a hurry.

- Ooh.
- Ed-- I better
hold him for ya, Doc.

Yeah.

Looks like vegetable dye.

I was right, Mr. Post.

[DOCTOR LAUGHS]
Someone's been having
a little fun with you.

Ooh, ow, ow.

That'll be on
your bill, too.

Doc!

I played innocent
on the grounds of insanity.

That parrot
drove me nuts.

Ed, this is the sneakiest trick
you have ever pulled.

And I'm gonna punish you.

I know how.
Keep me out of that parade.

I am locking you in the barn
until we leave tomorrow.

And, Ed, I warn you,
if you try to escape,

those spots won't be green,
they'll be black and blue.

Come on!

[SNIFFING]

Oh, no,
he's barbecuing the parrot!

There.
That's my message.

"Indian horse in trouble.
Send help."

Hope it doesn't bring
those Albuquerque Indians.

They don't fight,
they just sell blankets.

What's going on here?

Ed, what are you doing?

I got a fire and a blanket
and I'm sending for help.

You know you shouldn't
be doing that.

You mean I'm too young
to smoke?

Ed, sometimes I just
don't understand you.

That's because
you're not an Indian.

[GRUMBLES]

Ed, make me an Indian.

Uh, make you an Indian?

Ugh.

Gee, I don't know.
Why should I?

Well, for one reason,
if I was a fellow Indian,

why, I couldn't
make you carry the parrot
in the parade tomorrow.

[LAUGHS]
Raise your right hand.

Okay, now what?

Repeat after me.
I will help the Indians...

"I will help
the Indians..."

...to stamp out
the pale face...

"...to stamp out
the pale face..."

...so help me
Gitche Gumee...

"...so help me
Gitche Gumee..."

...roger and out.

"...roger and out."

Okay, Wilbur,
welcome to the tribe.

Yahoo!

Now, where's
that pale face parrot?

We'll k*ll him!
[LAUGHS]

- k*ll him?
- Well, yeah.

You know old Indian saying,

"An eye for an eye
and a scalp for a scalp."

Let's get him.
Yahoo!

Eh, wait, Wilbur.

Why wait,
Chief Big Horse?

Indian wait long enough
for revenge.

Yahoo!

Wait, Wilbur!
You can't k*ll him
without your w*r paint.

Put on w*r paint
during barbecue.

Ha ha!

If that parrot
had any brains,

he'd join our tribe too.

[SQUAWKS]

Make tomahawk
plenty sharp.

Hold chicken by head
and timber!

Get the cavalry!
Get the cavalry!
[SQUAWKS]

Wilbur, maybe we oughta
let him keep his scalp.

Just give him
a butch haircut.

Oh, no, no.

Green chicken
must pay for crimes
of ancestors.

They, uh-- they a lot
of dirty birds.

Too many moons
have Indian suffered
at hands of settlers.

[LAUGHS]

[PARROT SQUAWKS]
Circle the wagon,
circle the wagon.

Indian get revenge
for settler who steal our land,

k*ll our buffalo,
and give us very bad deal
on New York.

[PARROT SQUAWKS]
Get the cavalry,
get the cavalry!

This is end of the trail
for you, Custer.

Next time, you be careful
what ancestors you pick.

- [SQUAWKS]
- Stop!

You crazy Indian.

What's wrong, Chief?

Gee, I don't know,
Wilbur,

but it just doesn't seem right
to k*ll Gabby.

Oh, Chief,
remember what his
ancestors did to us.

I know,
but he didn't do it.

Maybe we oughta forgive
and forget, huh?

Well, I don't know, Ed.

After all,
he is one of our enemies.

Now, Wilbur,
you're a man, I'm a horse,
and he's a bird.

But underneath our skin,
tails, and feathers,

we're all Americans.

Corny but true.

Well, all right, Ed.
We'll spare his life.

[SNIFFS]
Hey, I smell
someone coming.

Carol,
you won't believe this.

Now, I not going
to say a word,

I just want you
to see for yourself.

Oh, Dad,
you must be kidding.

Now, Carol, come on.
Let's go in.

But, Carol,
he was-- he--

oh, what's
the difference?

Did you hear something?

[LAUGHS]

[GIGGLES]

[SQUAWKING]

Well, that certainly was
a beautiful parade,
wasn't it, Ed?

I don't know.
That darn parrot almost
got me to break a leg.

Why, what'd he do?

Well, when we passed
the revue stand,
he yelled at me.

"Salute the flag!"

Salute the flag,
salute the flag.
[SQUAWKS]

See?

Ed, you made a big man
outta me with Dad

by carrying that parrot

and I want you to know
how much I appreciate it.

That's okay, Wilbur.

Just put a little something
in my feed bag this Christmas.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always
on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

[MAN]
This has been
a Filmways presentation.