03x11 - The Christmas Card

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail
And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[BOTH]
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year ♪

GEOFFREY:
♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪

♪ On an open fire ♪

Aah!
Aha!

♪ Jack Frost nipping-- ♪

[BABBLING]

♪ --at your nose ♪

[GEOFFREY HUMMING]

Geoffrey, don't you think
there's something

just a little impersonal
about a postage meter

on a Christmas card?

Why? It's got
a Christmas message on it.

"Peace on Earth. Bulk rate."

TONY:
h*, h*, h*. Merry Christmas.

Heh.
'Tis the season to be jolly.

Oh, hi, Geoff.

[TONY GRUNTS]

What a beauty, huh?

Huh?
That's gonna look great
all lit up.

Yeah, just like the guy
who sold it to me.

[LAUGHS]

Huh?

This is gonna be
a great Christmas.

You should see the goose
I got.

You sat on Santa's lap too?

You know, Mona,

I was gonna tell you
about my special stuffing,

but now I'm afraid.

Aah... Let's just say,

this Christmas is gonna be
a festival of Yuletide yummies.

Mm.

You'd better tell him.
I know.

I'm talking six digits
in calories here.

Six digits.

If you've got a belt,
open it one notch.

In fact, forget the belt.
Get suspenders. Heh!

Tony.
Hey,

I'm talking Scrooge would smile
if he saw this dinner.

If Tiny Tim came
to this dinner,

he'd leave
as Tim the Refrigerator. Heh.

Tony.

I know, it's a lot,
Angela.

I know it's a lot.

But, hey, Christmas comes
just once a year.

And you should see
the way she packs it in. Whoa.

Tony.

Jonathan, Mother and I
have been invited

to Christmas dinner
at Geoffrey's mother's house.

Oh, well...

They're all so anxious
to meet Angela. And her family.

Oh, well,
I'm having dinner here.

Tony's got a shovel
with my name on it.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Geoffrey,
I have a great idea.

Why don't we
invite them all here?

Great idea. Great idea.
Yes.

The more the merrier, right?

Tell you what.
I'll make six kinds of pie.

I was only gonna make three,
but with guests--

Tony. Tony, it won't work.

I won't make pie.
I'll make plum pudding.

You don't understand.
It's impossible.

Mother's already booked the
caterers. She's hired the help.

Eh, well, I...

I wouldn't wanna upset
the help.

Hey, Tony.

Let's go get
the Christmas lights, huh?

I have a sudden urge
to string something up.

Hey, hey.

I'm sorry.
I hope you understand.

Oh, yeah. I understand.
Are you kidding me?

It's Christmas. Families.

Caterers. Heh. Hey...

This is just like
a regular Dickens' story.

You know,
all you need is Mr. Magoo.

Mm. Huh...

I can't believe
I didn't find a thing for Tony.

Well, it wasn't a complete
waste of time.

You found a lovely present
for me.

I did?

It's on your charge card.

And you shouldn't have been
so extravagant.

Mother, what am I gonna do?

Pay it out in installments.

No.

I mean, about Tony.

Well, we found a lot of things
that Tony liked.

Look, the wallet, the belt,
the girl at the perfume counter.

No. I-- I wanna find him
something that's just right.

Something that--

Something that lets him know
how I feel about him.

How do you feel
about him?

Well, you know.

I feel that we have a...

But it's not
what you'd call...

And yet...

Just tell that
to the saleslady. Heh.

Thanks again
for the present.

Oh. You're welcome.
You're so easy to shop for.

By the way, Mother,
what did I get you?

I can't tell you that,
Angela.

I want it to be a surprise.

TONY:
Good shot, good shot.

JONATHAN:
All right. Try and beat that.

Oh, no,
you won my Mickey Mantle!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Dr. Ferguson,

you'd take a kid's
most valuable card?

You bet.

Ah, the Christmas spirit.
Ha-ha-ha.

Come on, Sam,
popcorn's all strung. Come on.

Hi, guys.

Aw, the stores were just mobbed.
I didn't have time for dinner.

Ooh, popcorn.

Go ahead, Angela. Finish it.

It comes with
its own dental floss.

Okay,
Dr. Ferguson...

double or nothing.

What baseball player
do you want?

You know the only baseball card
I really want?

A Tony Micelli.

Did they ever make
one of those?

Yeah, they made a few. Heh.

Are you kidding? I--
I had a great pose.

You know, I had that face on
that said,

"Wouldn't you like this guy
to endorse your product?" Heh.

Sort of like this. Hey.

Boy, I'd really like
that baseball card.

It'd make a great
Christmas present.

Well, I wish I had one
to give you.

You don't even have one?

How can you not have
your own baseball card?

But, Dad--
TONY: I--

I used to have one, but...

a terrible thing happened.
Terrible.

What?

Uh, well, there was--

There was this sports fan,
and...

And he was in the hospital.

And it was his final wish

to have
a Tony Micelli baseball card.

So, what could I do?
I gave him my last one.

You know, his wife called me.
She said,

"Hey, you could have it back
after-- You know."

But, just my luck,
the guy gets better

He hits the lottery
and he moves to France.

Go be nice to people, huh.
It's unbelievable.

Oh...

Tony,
you did the right thing.

Well, you know, I...

Dad--
Samantha, um...

Don't you think
we should go and hang

what's left of this popcorn
on the tree?

Come on. Come on.

Okay.
Thank you. Excuse us.

Gee, I can't believe

the guy doesn't have
his own baseball card.

It's a piece of his history.

That's it.

His baseball card.
It's the perfect gift.

Oh, Angela, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]
No, not for you. For Tony.

Oh.

Boom.
Guy in a hospital?

Wins the lottery?
Moves to France?

Dad,
you lied to Dr. Ferguson.

Me? Lie?

Are you saying
that your father lied?

Like a rug.

You have that card,
I just saw it the other day.

All right, Samantha, I lied.

But I had a good reason.

If he knew I had that card,
he'd want it.

Dad, he would not take
your last baseball card.

Yes, he would.
You saw him.

He takes cards
from children.

Are you kidding me?
I want that card in our family.

Someday you're gonna grow up
and have kids,

and I want them to see

what their old Grandpa Tony
used to do, you know.

You don't remember
my baseball days, huh?

Sure I do.
Yeah.

Yeah.

They had the best peanuts
and the best popcorn.

Oh, and those
foot-long hot dogs...

Ah, they just don't make
junk food like they used to.

Yeah, yeah. You too.

No, no, what I mean is--

I mean, when your old man
was out on the field,

hitting home runs
and turning a double play

at second base.

No.
You were all dressed alike.

Well, those happen to be
very special times in my life.

That's a very special time.

You know,
sometimes I dream about it.

I think
about the crack of the bat,

and the sun on the back
of my neck, the crowd cheering.

Then I wake up
and it's gone.

And all that's left

are a few memories
and that baseball card.

All right.

I won't tell Dr. Ferguson.

But, Dad, the next time
you tell that story,

lose France
and k*ll off the guy.

Ooh. Yeah. I'll bury the card
with the guy.

Oh, nice touch.

I like that.
I like it too.

So you gonna come back in?
No. I've gotta get

Angela's Christmas present
finished.

Ooh,
let me see it.

Come on, hurry up.
How's it coming?

Oh, it's coming great.
It's coming great.

Uh-huh.
It's a little primitive,

but that handmade look is in,
you know.

She's gonna love it.
Look at that.

This one here...

Are you sure
you read the instructions right?

Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding me?

When this is finished...

it's gonna look
just like this.

That's amazing.

[LAUGHS]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Yeah, yeah. Uh...

h*, hey, I thought
Santa came down the chimney.

It's Geoffrey Wells.
Ha-ha-ha.

Ah, yeah, well,

that would have been
my next guess.

Can I give you a hand
with that, Geoff? Ha-ha-ha.

No, I think
I've got it.
Yeah.

That's an awful lot
of stuff.

Yeah. Just doing my part
for the retail sector. Heh.

Aah.
Way to trickle down, Geoff.

Thank you.
So, uh...

how many of these
are for Angela?

Oh, none.

Her present's right here.

Oh, that's sweet, Geoffrey.
Your love and affection.

No.

Diamond earrings.

Oh, well, they're good too.
Heh.

You don't think
they're too big, do you?

No. No, are you kidding?

They're perfect.
They're perfect.

She could use them
to signal passing ships.

So, what are you getting
Angela?

Oh. Oh, I got her
something great.

Something really great.
Pfft.

Yeah, it's fabulous.

But I wanna keep it
a secret.

See, it's top secret.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

All right, ladies,
what's your pleasure?

We got Jim Palmer
in his jockey shorts,

Bucky Dent beefcake

Uh, actually, we're looking
for a baseball card.

But I'll browse.

You drool on it,
you buy it.

So you're looking for
a baseball card.

I've got them all. I know
every player that ever was.

I'd like one Tony Micelli,
please.

Never heard of him.

I'll give you $50 for it.

Oh, that Tony Micelli!
Yeah, yeah.

He played, uh...
Second base.

Right, right. For the...
St. Louis...

Bird team.

Cardinals.
Right.

Oh, you know him.
I'm so glad.

This is so important to me.
Oh, yeah?

Uh, but not that important.

Prices tend to go up

when one appears to want things
too badly, dear.

Right.

It's, um,
no big deal.

It's just a little
stocking stuffer.

Oh, you need it
by Christmas.

All right,
I'll give you $100 for it.

Check back in January.

Hundred and fifty.

Hey, how about a nice
Mets beer mug?

Two hundred.

What if she just signs over
her firstborn?

You know,
people don't realize

how much is involved
in hunting these things down.

How much is involved?

About another 150 bucks.

[GASPS]
Three hundred and fifty dollars?

You must think
I just fell off a turnip truck.

I'll give you $325.

Not a penny more.

Deal.

You drive
a very hard bargain.

[GRUMBLING]
Mother.

So how much you want
for this?

Oh,
that's a very rare poster.

Forty-five dollars.
I'll give you 6 bucks.

Sold.

♪ You better watch out
You better not cry ♪

♪ You better not pout
I'm telling you why ♪

♪ Santa Claus is coming
To town ♪

Samantha. Samantha.

Stop singing
that obnoxious Christmas music.

Dad, you better watch out

because, you know,
Santa Claus is coming,

and he is not gonna like
that attitude.

Well...

Sam, I know, I--

I'm acting
just like a grinch.

But I just can't
figure out

what to get Angela
for Christmas.

Well, what about
the scarf?

Oh, come on, honey.
It's not good enough.

Angela's used to the best,
and my wallet isn't.

Aw. Dad, she'll love it
because you made it yourself.

You know,
it's just like that ashtray

I made for you
in first grade.

It's not that bad, is it?

Oh, wha--
Oh. No.

Not that I didn't like
your ashtray, sweetheart.

I loved your ashtray.
Okay, okay.

I don't smoke,
but I loved your ashtray.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Tony Micelli.

Yeah, I used to play
for the Cardinals.

There's a guy on the phone
wants to buy my baseball card

for 25 bucks.

Tell him it's not for sale.

Oh, you ain't kidding
it's not for sale.

Hey, look, pal, I'm sorry,
but it's not for sale.

That-- That card
is a piece of my history.

It's worth a lot more
than 25 bucks.

Heh. Hey, it's worth
more than 50 bucks.

A hundred bucks?

Are you sure
you've got the right Micelli?

Hey, look-- Hey, forget it.

Forget it--

Hey, look,
they don't print enough money

for me to sell that card.

Yeah.
How do you like this guy, huh?

Wants to buy my card
for 100 bucks. Heh.

I'm a legend in my own time.
Heh.

Well, you told him, Dad.

Yeah, I sure did.
I sure did.

Not that 100 bucks wouldn't
come in real handy right now.

Wish I could get Angela
something really special.

Ah.

Look, I hung up on the guy,
I don't even know who it is.

No.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah-- Hey, look-- Oh--
Oh, yeah?

Yeah? You may think everybody's
got their price but--

Two twenty-five?
That's mine.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

You sold your card?

Dad, whatever happened
to showing your grandkids

what Grandpa Tony
used to do?

Uh...
I'll dress up in my uniform

and tell them stories.

Hey, here it is.
Here it is.

This is gonna blow
Angela away, huh?

Two hundred
and fifty dollars.

Dad, you always told me

it's just the thought
that counts.

Yeah, that's right.

I thought,
and now I'm gonna buy.

♪ Santa Claus
Is coming to town ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh. Oh, Ed is so thoughtful.

Look, he remembered.

Passion pink
is my favorite color.

Yeah.
They all remembered, Mona.

Okay, what's next?

Well, how about
a few more presents, huh?

MONA: Okay.
What do you say, James?

Come in here.

ANGELA:
Oh! Oh! Heh.

TONY:
This way, this way, this way.

Ha-ha-ha.
That's my boy.

Let me tell you something,
Geoff.

I've gotta hand it to you.

This Rusty the Robot,
what a great gift.

Well, I figured he'd be
a great help in your work,

with the dusting,
buffing and sweeping.

Plus, he'll be a fun pal
to hang around with.

Oh, yeah, he'd be a great pal,
you kidding?

We can watch a game
and split a six-pack of STP.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, boy, an ant farm!
Oh.

GEOFFREY: Heh.
Thanks, Geoffrey.

Oh, you're welcome,
Jonathan.

But now remember
this isn't just a toy.

There's a lesson
to be learned here.

Ants work very hard,
they're industrious.

They're nature's
little achievers.

Yeah, but no matter
how busy they are,

they always have time
for a picnic, Jonathan.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

Uh,
ahem.

Santa gave me something for you,
Angela.

[GASPS]
Oh, Geoffrey.

They're gorgeous.

Wow, they look
just like real diamonds.

They are.

Well, dear, you must
have been very good.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Here's a little something
to go along with it.

Oh. Geoffrey.

Oh.

A rider
for my insurance policy.

Oh, thank you.

Here's another one
for Angela.

Oh, Geoffrey.
Tiffany's.

You spoil me.

Well, actually,
it's not from Geoffrey.

Tony?

Well, yeah...

[GASPS]
Oh.

Oh, what a beautiful vase.

Oh, no, it's a vause.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Ooh!

Oh, Angela,
Oh.

that's French lead crystal.

Boy, oh, boy,

that must have cost
beaucoup de bucks.

[CHUCKLES]

Oui, oui, Madame. h*.

Oh, Tony,
it's just...

It's beautiful.

But you shouldn't have spent
so much money on me.

Well, yeah,
but Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Here's one for Tony.
Oh.

Oh...

From Angela.
Heh.

Let me guess,
a tennis racket.

No! Ha-ha-ha.

Come on. Open it up.

Okay.

See.

See, it-- It's a piece
of your history.

Oh, Angela.

This is the greatest present
anybody's ever given me.

I mean, look at this.

It's even bent on the corner
like mine was.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh.

Wait a minute.

This is my card.

I mean, it was my card
before I sold it.

No. No, you don't have
a baseball card.

You told Dr. Ferguson
that you di--
Well--

I didn't wanna give it
to him.

Well, then
why did you sell it?

You know...

Oh...

Oh, Tony.

I didn't realize how beautiful
this vase really is.

I mean vause.

[MONA & TONY CHUCKLE]

Well, Mother's turkey's
just about cooked.

Just a minute,
Geoffrey.

I wanna find
a really special place for this.

Well, what about my place?

[CHUCKLES]

How about...?

How about
right over here, huh?

Oh.

Gee, I sure like it.

I sure like it too.

Angela.

You're standing
under the mistletoe.

Well, I guess
it's time to be going.

Yeah, yeah. You know,
there's nothing worse

than dried up turkey.
Yeah.

Oh,
I'm sure Geoffrey's mother

is a very nice person.

Well, uh...

we're off.
Heh. Yes.

There's another present
in the car with your name on it.

Oh, Geoffrey,
you shouldn't have.

Merry Christmas.
Have a good time, everybody.

ANGELA: Yeah.
TONY: Bye, Jonathan.

Merry Christmas.
Bye, Geoffrey.

Have a good dinner, everybody,
and...

Merry Christmas.

Well, what do you say?

Who's ready
for a great Christmas dinner?

BOTH:
I am.

Come on, ladies.

Hey, hey, hey.
What are you standing there?

Clean this place up.

[BEEPING]

Merry Christmas to you too.
Heh, heh.

God bless us, everyone.

Jonathan's nestled,
all snug in his bed

while visions of sugarplums
dance in his head.

[CHUCKLES]

Sure it's not ants? Heh.

[CHUCKLES]

So did you have fun
at Geoff's?

Oh, the entertainment
was spectacular.

Oh, yeah?
Twelve drummers drumming,





You have any aspirin?

Yeah, sure. Hey,
let me ask you a question.

How did they do the maids
a-milk--? Never mind.

There you go.

Hey, uh, so...

...how was the dinner?

Turkey was a little dry.

[CHUCKLES]
Well, I wanna say,

but that's what you get
with those catered meals.

On the other hand,
you should've tasted our goose.

It was so juicy.
[SLURPS]

Oh, wap.

[LAUGHS]

Would you like
a little taste?

No, thank you.
You sure? A little taste?

Okay, a little taste.
Ha!

Aha! Here she is.

Here she is, huh?
Oh.

Yeah, sit down. Oh.
Oh.

Let me ask you a question,
how was the stuffing?

Well, it was a little bland.

Mother Wells
is on a low-sodium diet.

Ah. Poor thing.

There we go. Oh.

Just close the refrigerator.

Hey.
Oh.

I got it. Here we are.

[GASPING]

Some...

Oh, are yo--?
Are you having some too?

Well, I think I have room
for a little myself.

There you go.
Thanks.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Have some of this,
Uh-huh.

a little of this,
Mm.

some more of this,
Mm.

and a little of this.

A couple of potatoes.
Heh.

Tony, enough.
That's enough.

You have any cranberry sauce?
Oh, yeah.

Just happen to have some
right here. Hey.

Great.
There you are.

Thanks.
Huh.

Uh-oh.

You ready?
Look what I found.

Ahh.
Ahh.

All right.

Close your eyes
and make a wish.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]